- Name: Terri D.
- Username: picard
- Location: Feels Like Home, NC, USA
- Member Since: 11/9/2004
- BMI: 28.6
- Post Op
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My Story  |
In the beginning . . .
The journey began for me in the summer of 2003. At that time, I put my name on the waiting lists of two surgeons in my area who perform the Lap-band procedure. There was a one year wait for the initial consultation. I’d already decided against Gastric Bypass, so figured the year would provide ample opportunity to think about and research the Lap-band.
I am a 35 year old divorced mom of two (15 & 1). Although I’ve been overweight for as long as I remember, I never considered surgical intervention. Not once. I’m tall, and have always “carried the weight well”: I’m proportionate, don’t carry much weight in the middle, and have the typical black girl hips and thighs. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m considering surgery now. I just know that something has to change. The woman in the mirror (majestic queen that she is), is no longer satisfied with the woman looking back. Perhaps the birth of my son is forcing me to confront and address some personal issues that I’ve conveniently chosen to ignore. I’ve created a life, but I would not say that I’m happy. So, I pray and ask myself, am I ready to claim happiness? What if it means letting people go, and changing my circumstances? Can I do it? Can I possibly consider putting myself first? I mean, this is who I am, right? Either you accept and love me for who I am, or you don’t? Right? My God, what if the clichés are true? What if I have to learn to accept and love myself first? Can I do it? Let’s see . . .
Why Lap-band?
The realities of my excess weight are forcing me to consider surgical intervention. The day I delivered my son I weighed 293 pounds. I’d only gained 15 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost the baby weight, but gained it back by the time I went for my yearly check up. For the very first time, it dawned on me that I was about to tip the scale at 300 pounds. Where had I been my whole life? You don’t get to 300 pounds overnight. No matter how tall you are, or how well proportioned you think you are, 300 pounds is 300 pounds. So here I am. Why Lap-band?
I initially heard about the procedure in 2001. A co-workers mother was one of the first patients in our area to have the procedure. Through her, I learned some Lap-band basics: less invasive, shorter recovery, fewer complications. As soon as I put my name on the waiting lists, I began the arduous research process. On the internet, I found piles of research results, testimonials, and ad-hoc information. I read government reports, physician articles (pros and cons), and manufacture findings. I collected a lot of data.
I got the call in June 2004. My consultation was scheduled for 7/21/2004. The appointment was uneventful. I was not overly impressed with Dr Larson. He answered all of my questions (I had a list), but did not offer much. I guess I was expecting him to convince me that this was the right thing to do. I told him right away that I was not interested in Gastric Bypass. He felt that I was a good band candidate, so I watched an Inamed produced video that concentrated on the procedure, risks, and side effects.
After the video, I met with the nutritionist who provided supplementary details. Specifically, she talked about aftercare: diet, exercise, lifestyle changes. She educated me about what to expect regarding hunger, initial weight loss, etc. Sara was great. Dr Larson talked about the procedure. Sara talked about the real stuff. I needed that. By the end of the appointment, I still was not sure I wanted to do this. I prayed about it, and my answer was Matthew 17:20. There would be no mountains.
Insurance and Approval Process
I must tell you that I work for a major insurance company who is also my insurer. However, I did not take that for granted and did my homework. Just as I researched the band, I researched my companies WLS policies. I knew the contract language, and that my company did not consider the band experimental. There were no specific lap-band restrictions. In fact, they were approving them left and right. As such, I was approved within a week of paperwork being submitted. I read everyday about the struggle many people have attempting to get insurance approval. I say to you, don’t give up. Stay strong. In His time, it will be done. For me, it was good timing. Within a few months of my surgery, the entire approval process had changed.
Surgery
I returned to the doctor on 9/1/2004 to schedule surgery. I GOT A DATE: 9/16/2004. Eight weeks from the initial consultation to a surgery date. Eight weeks!!
No psychological evaluation and no pre-op diet. A few days before surgery, I went to the hospital for blood work and an EKG. Everything looked great. All I had to do was show up on the 16th.
My best friend Donna accompanied me to the hospital. I sent my teenager to school, and my toddler was with my mother. Like me, Donna suffers from obesity. However, she was not 100% on board with my decision. She felt that hard work would yield results. She was right. Like many of us, she had some success with several diets. Just not long term success. This time I wanted treatment: Long term treatment. No more band-aids, gauze pads and antibiotic ointment to treat a terminal disease. I digress. Let me get back on point. Donna supported me anyway and never left my side. As I waited to be wheeled into surgery, we cut jokes, and did our usual sistergirlfriend thing. There was much love in the room, understood and unspoken. Donna has since changed her opinion about WLS, but she can tell her own story.
I felt like crap when I woke up. I had a fever, and could not shake the anesthetic. My surgery was at 10:00 a.m. I was not moved to a room until almost midnight. Something was not right. I felt sick. I was not in pain, just sick. The barium x-ray the next morning provided the explanation. As soon as I sipped the barium, I threw up. It took several horrendous minutes of torture to get enough barium down in order for the technician to get a good picture. The result: The band was positioned too low around my stomach. I was going back to surgery. The short story is that as soon as I woke up from the second surgery, I knew all was well. I felt great. Nothing like the day before: no fever, no nausea, no vomiting. This is what I expected to feel like the first time. Fault could not be place on my surgeon (I guess). He made a decision about where to place the band based on his experience, and for me it was too low. According to him, I was the first of his patients that this happened too. If you say so.
Immediately Post-Surgical
Within a few hours of being released from the hospital, I was off to my stylist getting my hair done. Why? I had a funeral to attend. In the week and a half prior to my surgery, my paternal Grandmother had fallen from her hospital bed, suffered a head injury and subsequently passed away the day before my surgery. I was by her side everyday. It was a very special time. She was unable to talk much, but she could nod and shake her head in response to our questions. I have a very large family. My father is the oldest of 14. Everyone made it home to see her. All of her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren were able to see and speak with her, love and touch her, cry and laugh with her before she left us. They all encouraged me to go ahead with the procedure. I did.
Post surgical diet and weight loss
I followed the post-surgical eating plan to the letter. For the first time, I was 100% disciplined about following a diet and did not try to manipulate the plan. I took all of the lessons to heart: eat slow, put your fork or spoon down between bites, take 20 minutes to eat, stop when you feel full. I did this on liquids ya’ll, and it worked for me. I was on full liquids for 2 weeks, followed by soft “mushies” for 2 weeks, followed by 2 weeks of slowly re-introducing solids to my plan. It was a long 6 weeks. By the time of my follow up visit on 9/29/04, I had lost 19 pounds.
October through December - 2004
I had my first fill, under Fluoroscopy, on 11/8/04. By December 29th, I’d had 3 fills and had lost a little over 40 pounds. Three fills probably sounds like a lot during such a short period of time, but Dr Larson was very conservative about fill volume. As a balance to the conservatism, I could go back every two weeks.
January through March – 2005
One additional fill, a little over 50 pounds lost. Okay, anyone reading this may think my loss was very slow. You’re right. It was slow, but I was comfortable with the rate I was losing. I knew going in that Lap-band results were much slower than Gastric Bypass. I wanted a more natural rate of loss, so I did not get a fill every two weeks. I took more time to work the tool, while knowing it was working for me.
April through June – 2005
Two more fills, 65 pounds lost. Still slow, very slow. It was around this time that I realized that my bandiversary was only a few months away. I wanted to be a lot closer to goal by then. So, I got a little more aggressive and a little more serious. I started working that protein, and all the other band rules in order to see greater results.
July through September – 2005
It’s my Bandiversary!! This was my anniversary post on the Lab-band board:
I'm one year post-op today. It's been an amazing and wonderful journey. The short story is that I'm down 87.5 pounds. I'm a mere 5 pounds from “onederland” and 15 pounds from goal. My goal weight is a little higher than some, and many things contribute to that. Mainly, my height and just knowing when I'd want to stop. I've never had a desire to be a size 8, and will settle comfortably and nicely at a 12/14.
I've had 6 fills. It took me that long to get to my sweet spot. Stay strong and you'll get there. Don't expect the band to do more for you than you're willing to do for yourself.
I don't exercise as much as I should, and my mental image has not caught up with my physical image. I have more trust issues now than I did before. I was cute and single before surgery, so when a guy asked me out I was confident that he liked what he saw. Now, I wonder if these guys would have talked to me when I was bigger. I'm trying to get past that, but it's an issue.
I could go on and on. My story is not unique, but it's mine. This board in great, and not a day goes by that I'm not here lurking and learning. I recently changed my screen name to Terri D., so if you don't recognize me, that's probably why. Take care ya'll.
11/11/2005
Adjustments – Attitude and Other Stuff
I’m almost 14 months post-op, and I’ve been on a serious plateau for weeks. I participated in a “protein train” sponsored by the good folks of BAF (Black American Forum) and saw good results. They were short lived. Last week, I had another fill. It had been 3 1/2 months since my last one, but because my fills have a tendency to evaporate a little, I went in to be “topped off”.
I took a long time setting a goal weight. When I finally did, it was to loose 103 pounds. Well, the closer I got, I realized that was not going to get it. Therefore, I made an adjustment, and my new goal is to loose 113 pounds. That’s another 15 pounds!! It seems so far away, ya’ll. Almost unattainable, but I’m not going to give in to those thoughts. Self sabotage isn’t a joke. If you plant the seed, it will grow.
To support my effort, I’m adjusting my exercise program. Well, let me be honest – I’m starting an exercise program (again). I’ve joined a new gym, and on Tuesday I have a health consultation. I will meet with a personal trainer and develop a personalized exercise program. Some people have the ability to start a program and never waiver. I always waiver, so I’ve been gathering some information and collecting tips. I’m ready, and I’m excited. I want a little jiggle when I walk, but not this much.
I’m still adjusting to the new me. The mental image and the image in the mirror do not always connect. I think my problem is that I never thought I was that big. I know better now. In order to accept the new me, I have to accept the old me. That’s more than a mouthful ya’ll.
To newbie’s and old heads, pre-ops and post-ops, stay encouraged. Adjust means to alter to match or fit; to bring into correct relationship; to conform or adapt; to make correct by regulating. Isn’t that what our journey is about? It does not and will not happen overnight, and it’s a constant state. Altering, correcting, regulating – it’s who we are and what we do. Embrace it.
01/12/2006 –
Forgive me OH, for I have sinned. It’s been two months since my last update.
I reached “onederland” in November, but did not post about it because it was like an elusive lover avoiding permanent capture. I struggled with the same 1 or 2 pounds for weeks, and eventually stopped weighing in. It was incredibly frustrating seeing the numbers on the scale go back and fourth. I didn’t’ feel like I was overeating, so I decided to monitor what and how much I was eating and increase physical activity. Eventually, I discovered the culprit: My protein shake. I use a powder and the shake I make with it is sinful. It’s loaded with carbs, and tastes so good! As soon as I cut it out of my daily routine, the scale moved. It moved so well that I hit “onederland” and made it the 100 pound club. Yep, I’ve lost 100 pounds (102 to be exact) and resolved my issues with the scale. During this process, I once again adjusted my goal. Ten more pounds, and I’m stopping. My goal is to get there by March 16, 2006 – my 18 month Bandiversary.
Thanksgiving was good. I didn’t cook because I accompany the youth of my church to an annual conference during Thanksgiving weekend. This is a blessing because it limits the amount of time I spend surrounded by edible temptation. My kids spent part of the day with their dad, so I had dinner with my mother and few other family members who stopped by. I had great restriction, but ate a little of everything I wanted, including lemon and sweet potato pie. Honestly, the hardest part was that I wanted to eat more. When I looked at my plate and saw such small portions, I found that I missed seeing the heaping plate full of food. Essentially, I was not visually stimulated. It’s always such a revelation when I get a brief moment of clarity regarding my struggle with obesity. With this revelation, I recognized that I habitually put too much food on my plate knowing I would not be able to eat it. In doing that, I was sabotaging my effort because I felt as though I was not getting enough. As a result, I was eating slower over a longer period, thereby eating more. This did not happen daily, but often enough to require a change. I purchased smaller plates and/or eat half of what’s on my plate. In addition, I scrape the plate and put the food away as soon as I get full or get a soft stop (band term). Another battle won.
Sidebar # 1: There is a distinction between eating “around” the band and “warming” the band. For me, eating around the band are those moments when I willfully eat slower so that I can eat more. In contrast, warming the band means taking the first bite or two then stopping to allow enough time for food to pass through the esophagus. Afterward, you can eat at a normal pace. Those of us who experience greater restriction at certain times of the day will “warm” at mealtime to avoid getting stuck which may lead some bandsters to PB.
Sidebar #2: On a weekend trip to NC a week before Christmas, I had the opportunity to meet and spend an hour or so with Nia P from the BAF board. Naaila is a vision. She is the epitome of beauty and intelligence. This sister is regal, and she knows it. Don’t get it twisted. What I’m saying is that she knows her value. Did you know that when you value self, your tolerance for poop diminishes greatly? I know it. I’m convinced Naaila knows it. What about you?
Christmas was exactly what I wanted. We had an awesome church service and the kids had a great day. My young uns are 17 and 3. Both have a giving spirit, which makes giving to them a joy. I cooked a fabulous Christmas dinner, and ate entirely too much. I did that slow, willful thing I previously mentioned. It was shameless and premeditated. The worse part was the leftovers. I ate for days. Mentally, I just knew I was going to pick up a pound or two. However, the reality was that I lost a few pounds. I was well pleased when I got on the scale last week.
Onward I go, making adjustments when and where needed. I still have the occasional battle with the image in the mirror, but I love and appreciate every struggle and every triumph.
01/20/2006
In Celebration
What makes you think that just because I am an attractive Godly
woman of intelligence that I'm incomplete without a mate?
Who told you that without a man something's missing from my life?
And if so, what would that be?
Love?
I love myself
And more importantly
I love the Lord
He told me that when I delight in Him,
He will give me the desires of my heart
Security?
I have everything I need according to His riches in glory.
Intimacy?
Now, how's a man going to get to know me
When he doesn't even know who he is in the Lord
See my Father told me I'm above a ruby's worth
And a gem does not seek
It is sought
I'm single and that's all right with me
See, it's not that I oppose relationships
It's that I detest co-dependency
As a woman
I know it is not my role
To chase after any man
Esther 2:14 reads:
That I am to wait on my king and when he's delighted in me. He will call me by my name.
My Lord does not intend for me to be needy or desperate.
I am to be Cherished, Relished, Valued, and Honored,
It's not my job to convince him
Or convict him of that,
My mate will already know it
And consistently show it
And he will stay on his knees daily
Not just to adore me
But to praise the Lord for
The virtuous woman he has found
So, when you see me by myself
I'm not alone
I know what I have coming to me
I'm single and saved, and right now that's all I need to be!
03/01/2006
This has been the most challenging update to write. I have re-written and edited this thing so many times that I’m inclined to chalk it up to a loss. It’s a serious undertaking. I’ve witnessed the power of profiles, and I'm determined that my updates be meaningful and useful. That ain’t always easy. Yes, I said ain’t.
The central question I’m struggling with is whether every new experience, challenge or opportunity is directly tied to or the result of obesity, or by extension WLS. I’m not defined by my surgery, and everything that has happened to me in the past 18 months is not a direct result of weight loss. Is it? At what point do I separate what’s happening in my life from weight loss surgery? I’m not sure, so I’ll just tell you what’s happening and see where it goes.
The Playground and the Beauty Salon
Remember as a kid, how it felt to line up on the playground and choose teams for kick ball? How you prayed you wouldn’t be last? I remember standing there, silently begging “choose me, choose me”. I hated that feeling. I hated it more than spending Saturday mornings getting my weekly press-n-curl at Ms Berthas. The air in her basement shop was thick with the scent of singed hair and lye, and it was hot. As I recall, the playground was hot too, metaphorically and physically. The burns on my psyche were as tangible as the burns on my neck and forehead. The only difference was that the former lasted much longer. The psychological burns resulting from this playground tradition fostered in me a deep seeded need to be chosen, selected, and separated from the crowd. Over the years, I attempted to “dress” the burns by throwing a little baking soda or butter on them. It took a long time to learn that grand mamma’s fix for handling burns would not heal a broken marriage or prevent me from accepting less than what I wanted and deserved from people and relationships. I needed skin grafts.
Somewhere along the way I received proper treatment. I grew up. The wounds healed, and I moved on. However, a few things happened recently that reminded me how much I value being chosen. This time however, I chose right back.
I have an Angelette!!
Solo Dancer will be surprised that I’m writing about her. She is a phenomenally beautiful sister who went out on a limb and asked me to be her Angel. I was moved and incredibly honored.
We corresponded via email, talked on the phone, and finally met at BAF’s February Meet-n-Greet in DC. She’s a jewel, inside and out. We’re kindred spirits, and have often felt like sisters separated at birth. We can talk about anything, and she gave me a proper introduction to House Music. Girlfriend got me sitting in KY listening to House, ya’ll. Do you understand the implication? I’m in Kentucky . . . where am I going to find House down here? LOL.
In any case, I feel blessed. God has given me a sister, better yet; he’s given me a sistergirlfriend.
BAF
Since I mentioned BAF’s February Meet-n-Greet, let me take just a moment to talk about it. I experienced a tangible feeling of love and well being while in the company of BAF participants. It was truly spiritual. I would never have crossed paths with these wonderful people were it not for this forum. We had an amazing time. My respect for our journeys has increased tenfold.
New Boo
In January, I posted a poem about the notion of women being incomplete without a man. One particular verse says “. . . it is not my role to chase after any man”. Well, that doesn’t mean I won’t let the man chase me . . .
So, I let him chase me . . . then, I let him catch me. LOL. He’s an amazing man who works hard to show me how he feels about me everyday. This is no small task considering we’re 680 miles apart. That fact alone, gives reason to pause, but we’re taking a chance. We’re learning (again), loving (again), laughing, longing, and looking forward . . . once again.
Okay, I’m done for now. I got on the scale today, and I’m down an additional 3 pounds. Yeah me!! I’m here, present and accounted for. Still working the tool . . .
04/01/2006
Mama Boo, Elvis, and Calvin Klein
This update practically wrote itself. It is relevant to my journey because it speaks to the origin of my struggle with obesity. However, it also prompted me to trek down memory lane, and conjure up images of home.
Sidebar: The word conjure is not a suggestion or in any way reflective of my religious beliefs or practices. I am a Christian. I’m merely being a “wordsmith”. I like the way it sounds, and the images it brings to mind. When I hear the word, it reminds me of things old, dark, and beautiful. I’m compelled to remember sights, sounds, and smells. I remember Mama Boo - old, dark, and beautiful.
Mama Boo was my maternal grandmother. Her given name was Sudie Elizabeth. My mother was her youngest child and only daughter. Her house was the center of the family universe. We were raised there, some of us literally, some figuratively.
It was here, in this alternate universe, that I became fat. I do not seek to diagnosis or intellectualize it. Nor will I attempt to address every contributing factor that helped it persist. I just want to think about it. I want to explore it, touch it, and feel it. When I’m done, I will accept it and move on.
The kitchen was our gathering place. It’s where we completed homework, received counseling, and had our bruises mended. It’s where politics and religion were debated. It’s where I was when I found out Elvis was dead. I’d just turned nine. The kitchen was the alpha and omega of our sustenance. We were fed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you Father, we were fed.
My relationship with food is inextricably linked with these memories. It’s not difficult to see how I became an emotional eater. Food was (and still is) connected to every family gathering and occasion. Sometimes it was the reason for the gathering, and at other times it was merely a supplement. Either way, every meal was an event. Breakfast was never just cereal and toast. No, Breakfast (with a capital B) was bacon, eggs, homemade biscuits, grits, country ham, fried apples, fried corn, fried chicken, pancakes (with homemade syrup) . . . you get the picture. We celebrated with food. We mourned with it. It was a steady companion. You could mark the seasons by the type of fruit in the cobblers and pies: apple, peach, strawberry, blueberry.
So, how does this help me? I learned that they loved me the best way they knew how. Food and fellowship were apt substitutes for the material things they could not provide. I mean, who really needed Calvin Klein jeans? They didn’t come in my size anyway. In addition, I realize that I don’t eat when I’m sad, upset, or depressed. I eat when I’m happy, feeling good, the sun is shinning . . . Food is not my anesthetic, it’s my opium.
Where am I today? Post WLS? I can feel good, and not eat. I can gather with friends and family, and not associate a good time with food. Today, I remember who was there, and what we laughed about, not what I ate. Please, don’t misunderstand. I still want to know if anyone is bringing banana pudding. However, I’ll prepare for it. I know that I will not walk away from the buffet table with two plates, or return for a tad more of this, or a bit more of that. I will have a modest amount of food. I will survey the offerings and choose wisely. On a good day, I know what my band will allow and how much. I may be able to eat an extra deviled egg, maybe not. When I’m done, I push the plate away. I sit back; turn left then right, to see which conversation I’m going to jump into. I’ll be back later for a little banana pudding.
Oh, by the way. Calvin and I get along just fine now . . . if I’m so inclined.
May 25th, 2006 – 20 Months and Counting . . .
It’s funny (and kind of sad) that I did not see myself at 293 pounds. I mean, I lived on the planet. I worshipped. I mothered. I worked. I did what the living do. However, I never really saw myself. I didn’t want to face the truth that obesity had ravaged my body, and had rooted its armaments in my mind and spirit. I could look at myself long enough to see if there was a tag hanging out, or if I needed to wear a slip, but real introspection? Never. Perhaps if I had faced my weight issues sooner, I would have received the blessing of WLS sooner, but perhaps not. I believe things happen in His time.
I read that for some WLS patients, it takes an average of two years for our mental image to catch up with our physical image. Looks like I’m right on schedule. Today, not only do I see myself, I can see and feel a two or three pound gain or loss. What is imperceptible to the average eye, is the proverbial pink elephant to me. This is a good thing. I need this type of trigger to keep my weight loss balanced. If I refuse to see it, the pounds will creep up, and while I don’t think I will weigh 293 pounds again, two pounds can quickly become 4, 8, or 10 if left unchecked. So today, I’m seeking balance. The scale, mirror and I need to reach a final agreement.
Yesterday, I went to my surgeon for a check up. I felt a very minor fill was in order based on what I’ve been able to eat recently. Bandsters will understand that restriction is fickle. From morning to night, or from one day to the next, you can experience different levels of restriction. As such, I really debated the necessity of a fill, but I wanted to keep my options open. I advised my doctor that I wanted to lose a bit more. He disagreed that additional loss was necessary. It was kind of funny actually. He grabbed my waist and felt my hip bone. He did the same thing with my wrist and upper arm, and noted my collar bone. After that “exam” he declared I was skinny enough. He flipped through my chart and had me look at my before picture. Wow, what a difference. I remembered that outfit, and thought it looked good. Well, it really did. I had some good big days. LOL. I’d reached and exceeded his goal back in November. What more did I want?
Honestly, I think I can stand to loose a few more pounds. Not much, and not in the next week, but a little more. Of course, everyone around me says enough already, but I live in my skin. It’s loose, but it’s mine. I don’t want to get the “look”, but I need to get to the point where all three of us (the scale, the mirror, and me) are satisfied.
The short story is that I indeed got a slight fill, from 3.2cc’s to 3.3cc’s. It’s enough. I want my final weight to be between 180 and 185. Anywhere in that range will do. My trigger is 188. When I see that number, I’ll know it’s time to assess, evaluate, and take action. Therefore, I need to loose a few more pounds. Well, six to be exact. This fill will get me there. I won’t be a slave to the scale, but I will weigh regularly: Balance. I will notice a gain or loss of a pound or two, but I won’t beat myself up: Balance. The mirror? Well, she and I get along fine now. She reflects, and I see: Balance.
I have another Angelette, Sassy Chic, and I’ve not given her the attention she deserves. I’m working on that.
One more thing: I am sick and tired of thinking about food and weight loss every single minute of every single day. Yes, I said it. I’m sick and tired of thinking about it. I want to trust that my new habits are mature enough to sustain me without thinking about it so much. However, something inside me knows better. Something is telling me that the lifestyle changes I’ve achieved will require a lifetime of regular maintenance. I can’t be lazy about diet and exercise. I subscribe to the “all things in moderation” theory of WLS, and it works for me. However, I keep asking myself, “will I need to add a scoop of protein to my oatmeal for the rest of my life?” I guess the answer is yes. If I’m gonna eat it, it might a well pack the biggest punch possible.
Onward, good people. Onward . . .
06/27/2006
1 Corinthians 13:11 . . . Wooosaaa
Today, I feel like celebrating. I feel like celebrating me, the woman. I’ve built my house upon a rock. My shoulders are strong. I stand on my own merit. I live life on my own terms. I consciously choose a different path. Today, I sidestep the abyss created by the self-serving and the sanctimonious. I am a cultivator. Step into my light.
07/05/2006 – 07/12/2006
Okay, that was funny. I must admit that I wrote that as an “introduction” to my monthly update. I was going through something, and those words fought their way to the surface. I’ll honor them by allowing them to stay, but I won’t give them anymore time or attention.
“Embrace It and Move On” has been my personal affirmation for the past few years. It’s about accepting circumstances, situations and people that are beyond my control. It’s about accepting the things that I can’t change. Sometimes, it means forgiving and letting go. It’s an act of faith.
It’s a personal testimony about where I’ve been and where I’m going. Admittedly, I’m a reformed control freak. I used to tell people they would be happier if they would simply do what I wanted, when I wanted. I’d say it with a laugh, but I meant it. Worse, I believed it. WLS ushered in a period if introspection and change. For the first time, I was truly ready to take control. Fortunately, that included letting go of some things. I feel so much better in my skin. I don’t worry as much, or as long. I still worry about some things, but I no longer suffer those irrational fears that kept me awake at night. I still process (sometimes over process), but I have a peace that allows me to move on.
This is especially true when it comes to my weight loss. I rarely feel the need to explain or defend my actions. So, I tell. I also eat dessert when I want to, or have cornbread with dinner. I don’t feel guilty about it. I learned a long time ago that I could not make people feel better about things they don’t understand. WLS can be one of those things. It’s a personal decision and an individual journey. I will share my experiences when asked and allow people to discern for themselves what will or will not work for them.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I subscribe to the theory of all things in moderation. I don’t diet, but I do watch what I eat. I follow the rules, but I’m not obsessive about it. I’m happy with my success. I don’t burden myself with thoughts about how fast or slow the weight has come off. The bottom line is that it has. This is not a competitive sport. It’s a life long process. Each of us must define our journey in our own way.
I reached my personal goal several weeks ago. I stood in Dillard’s dressing room and slid comfortably into a size 12 pant. As women, we know an “exact” size is an oxymoron. From one store, style, or brand to the next my “size” can be anywhere from a 10 to a 14. Let me clarify, I’ve never gotten my behind into a size 10 pant. Dresses, yes – pants no. I’m happy with my size. I want the number on the scale to remain consistent. I waver within a 4 to 5 pound range. Restriction is good, no complications. I make the necessary changes to ensure continued success. Anything I can’t change, I embrace then move on.
My Angelettes are doing well. They help me stay focused. We’re all struggling to drink enough water. They are still early in their journeys, but I do not doubt their success.
Personally, things are moving at a lightening fast pace. I’m happy, and that’s all I have to say about that.
Peace and blessings.
03/01/2006 - 188 lbs
01/12/2006 - 191 lbs
09/28/2005 - 201.6 lbs
09/14/2005 - 205.5 lbs
09/07/2005 - 208 lbs
08/31/2005 - 211 lbs
08/10/2005 - 212 lbs
08/03/2005 - 214 lbs
07/27/2005 - 221 lbs, 6th fill (lost some again) total 3.0 cc's total
07/06/2005 - 221 lbs
06/29/2005 - 223 lbs
06/22/2005 - 228 lbs, 5th fill (lost some again) 2.9 cc's total
06/01/2005 - 229.8 lbs
05/13/2005 - 232 lbs
03/16/2005 - 242 lbs, 4th fill, 2.8 cc's total
01/10/2005 - 248.5 lbs
12/29/2004 - 252 lbs, 3rd fill (lost some again) 1.1 cc's total 2.2
11/22/2004 - Second fill (lost some of first) .6 cc's, total 1.8 cc's
11/08/2004 - First fill 1.2 cc's in a 4.0 band
11/03/2004 - 268 lbs
09/29/2004 - 274 lbs
09/01/2004 - 293 lbs
WLS (Lap-Band) on 9/16/04.
Profile created by BraNdi on 09-28-05
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