The picture (above left) was taken when I was about 400 pounds, which was most of my adult life. The picture on the right was taken last week (9/15/07) at approximately 150 pounds. In my lifetime, I have suffered greatly due to my girth. As an example, I have broken chairs, avoided social situations,  fended off taunts and suffered ill emotional and physical health, all due to my addiction to food. The bigger my body grew, the smaller my world became. I was a virtual recluse, and my spirit and personality were almost silenced by my struggle with morbid obesity.

Fast forward to now....The success of this process is much deeper than can be depicted in a simple photograph.   Now,  I weigh less than I did at 10 years old.  This fact boggles my mind. My newfound mobility thrills me. I feel very free, but I am mindful that the weight can be regained if I am smug and don't follow directions. I am determined to succeed! I take responsibility that is mine alone. I follow the example of other successful patients. I want to keep this new, smaller shell, and will work hard to make sure that happens.

I must mention that I have been thrown a curve-ball or two. Perhaps the success of the tool is part skill, part faith, part luck, and taking responsibility for your own destinity. I have received the education of my life through this process, and I am still learning every day. Please see my story below~keep in mind that nothing worth fighting for is easy, but attitude is everything. 

~ Wishing you all the best, regardless of whether you decide to have bariatric surgery, or take another journey. The decision is very personal. ~ Pam (9-17-2007)
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3/2005: Hi, everyone! My name is Pam, and I am a married professional living in West Los Angeles. My insurance company approved me for GB the first time out of the gate-Yipee! My BMI is 64-very shocking to me, and my mobility is becoming so limited. I am so ready for this surgery!!! I am 364 pounds and ready for a change. I was 401 pounds a few months ago, but I long to break free from this prison of flesh! Even though I am going through each step as expected, I have a hard time believing it can really happen. It still seems so surreal. I am having my surgery done at Cedars-Sinai. I have completed the first round of tests: Bariatric consult and Behavioral Assessment. Tomorrow is my GI consult. I am happy, scared, excited, thrilled. I am concerned about missing work, and the impact of the surgery on my hubby. Even so, I look toward my future with so much hope and enthusiasm.

5-25-05
Surgery was postponed. Seems I need cardiac clearance. A necessary precaution, but I am sad about the delay.

6-14-05
Yipee. I just received cardiac clearance. I am elated. Now, I can reschedule. More updates to follow.

6-30-05
My new surgery date is 7-18-05. I cannot believe this is actually going to happen. The last surgery date was postponed at the very last minute due to an abnormal EKG. Now that I have cardiac clearance, I pray it will be smooth sailing. Maybe the second time is truly the charm. I would love to hear from anyone for words of support. I am getting a little nervous, but excited just the same. I am ready to soar the sky!


7-13-05 363.2 (BMI 64)
Hello there. I saw the Doctor yesterday, and he emphasized several times that I am a high risk. This scared me, but I will have the surgery in a few days on 7-18-05, and hope the angels are with me. I want so much to participate in life, to walk and to breathe better. Bless my husband, who has been a rock. My friends and family have been behind me 100 percent. I am scared, but excited. I know it can only get better.

7-17-05
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I am doing laundry (my supersized hospital gowns). I was a little worried I may lose them into the hospital laundry abyss. They have been a part of my life for so long. Always buying supersized this or that, always having to adapt in a world that cannot adapt to my size. However, I realized I probably will not need them for much longer. I am reflective and nervous, but excited all the same. I cannot wait to start my new life. One very wise post-op friend told me she couldn't promise I wouln't have complications, but overall, I will come to view this as the best decision I have every made in my life. That is realistic, and optimistic at the same time. So, with that, I bid you all the very best wishes as I prepare to be reborn tomorrow. Love to all...Pammy

7-21-05 (353 and swollen)
Well, I made it through. I woke up feeling extremely thankful that I was able to have the lap (versus open) procedure. Thanks to all the wonderful members of this site who wished me well and brought me comfort. I also have to commend the wonderful staff at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. My Doctor and his team were great, and the 8th floor nurses and CNA's treated me like a queen. Above all else, my dear husband has been my salvation. He is one in a million, and I want to get well very soon so I can show him just how much he is loved, lol. My folks, friends and extended family have been fantastic support as well. I am blessed.

Now that I am home, I am a little disheartened that I am not able to keep anything down. Water is especially hard. I am frustrated because we are in the middle of a big heat wave and I am swollen, parched, and a little panicked. Oh well, it is bound to get better and I will raise these questions with my Doc when I see him next Tuesday. Love to all, Pam

7-28-05
What a difference 10 days can make! I had some adjustments and discomfort, but each day I can feel myself getting stronger and more energized. I waited a week to start my vitamins and supplements due to severe nausea, but now that I have started taking the supplements, my energy is back. My edema is gone, and I have lost almost 20 pounds. For the first time in many years, I have hope for a brighter future. I used to worry that each month I was moving closer to 400 pounds. Now, it is nice to know that I am moving the opposite direction with each day that passes. I am very thankful for the sugery, and the love and support of family and friends. How lucky I am!

7-31-05
I weigh 330 today. That is down from about 364 a few weeks ago. Somehow, I keep thinking that I will be the first person NOT to lose weight after gastric bypass. My head is so used to being FAT. I just added pureed soups yesterday, and I somehow feel like I am cheating. It tasted so good, so sinful, so fattening. I just found a good protein powder that finally agrees with me. it is called "Unjury". and it comes in an unflavored form. I added it to the tepid pureed soup, and it was undetectable. I am finally keeping something down, which feels great. I hope it doesn't hamper my weight loss. Obviously, I still have lots of work to do with my psyche.

8-3-05
I am having a very difficult time getting protein, water and vitamins in. It is scary, and I guess it takes real commitment. I never thought eating would be a chore, but that is exactly how I feel. On the plus side, I have lost a shoe size and can walk easier. I am less out of breath (one friend said I was always panting like a doggie prior to surgery). I appreciate all the positive changes, without a doubt. Sometimes, however, I feel like I made a deal with the devil. Yesterday, I had 12 oz. of water and 2 ounces of plain fish. That was it. The day before, I had 20 oz of water and one soft boiled egg. Intellectually, I know this is not enough to sustain my nutritional needs. I know I have to make an effort to somehow get the protein and more liquids in. I just have the hardest time putting it all into practice.

8-23-05
317 today. Feeling generally good, and relieved to have dropped some weight, My knee and hip feels better, and I even have a little "pep" in my step. I am still struggling with food, and even chopped food is a challenge. I sometimes have trouble keeping it down. I feel better with protein shakes and protein pudding, which sort of "slide down". I have support group tonight, which I find very helpful. Several people have become friends, and it is nice to see their progress. We exchange words of encouragement, and I am feeling very blessed to have these people in my life. Bye for now!

9-2-05
310 pounds. I finally had an epiphany. I realized why I am throwing up so much. I sometimes do not listen to my body when I am eating. I eat too fast or do not let enough time go between bites. Sometimes, the bites are too big. I was afraid of integrating foods into my program, but after 7 weeks, it was time. As my little pouch heals, and I experiment with different foods, I begin to understand when I am full. It is a hard lesson, since I spent 42 years NOT being in touch with that feeling. I ate whether I was hungry or full. After surgery, there is a penalty for such cavalier behavior. I am finally starting to get that. Unfortunately, I am also starting to get excited about food again, which scares me. Of course, it isn't in the same exact way as before...I am thrilled that a small portion fills me up. The other day I had lunch with my office mates. We ordered out, and I had a cup of lentil soup. I did not finish it. It was different and exciting. I never liked lentil soup before. At a $1.75 for my entire lunch, I have now become a cheap date. It feels good eating "normal" portions. I remember eating two sandwiches for lunch in the past. I hope that behavior is behind me forever. Well, off to do some walking. Bye for now!

9-12-05
307 pounds. Weight loss is slowing. I am frustrated. I need to up my protein intake and increase exercise. The exercise is the most challenging. I have such incredible pain in my joints that it makes it really hard to move. I have to investigate some movement that will be low impact. Unless I move more, the weight will cling to me. I also have to make an effort to consume the 80-90 grams of protein recommended by my nutritionist. It's a challenge. I just want to fall below 300 pounds. I could never break that plateau before surgery on my own, and it still feels like I can never break it, even after surgery. When I finally get into the "twos", I will jump for joy and do a happy dance. I hope that time is soon, before the end of the month. I want to make it happen!

9-24-05 (297)
A few days ago, I stepped on the scale and realized I was "IN THE TWO's". Oh, joy, elation, rhapsody and bliss! I have not been able to crack 300 pounds for at least 10 years.....I never thought it would happen. I thought I would go up above 400 pounds, and be on the news as paramedics broke my door down to get to me. Alas, life has not been as dramatic as the windmills of my mind. Eating is a challenge, but overall, this surgery has been just the ticket I needed. I am very thankful things have worked out thus far. While not easy, I feel it was the best decision I have made for myself. I love the energy! I love not being under the "spell" of food any more. I love the normalcy.

10-7-05 (294)
Went for my three month checkup yesterday. B/P is 115/57. A big change from 180/100 before surgery. I never thought this weight loss would make me feel all these emotions. All at once, I feel delight, elation, disbelief, fear, anticipation, happiness, freedom. My head cannot keep up with all the emotions. The best part is realizing that I can stand and walk and start to live like a normal person. I lost so much mobilty at my high weight of 401, and that led to such depression! I am not saying that all my challenges have disappeared, but boy, life is better and more managable. Today, I am meeting a few of the ladies from my support group. We are going out to lunch, of all things. I already checked to see what I could have at this particular restaurant. I feel confident and carefree about my healthy decision of white bean soup. The best part is that these are terrific people, and I enjoy their company so much. We are like three six year olds, trading stories of our trips to Disneyland. We are all being reborn! When we talk, you can hear the excitement in our voices. We detail all the positive changes. One gal mentioned how she fit in a particular chair for the first time. She was so gobbsmacked, she stood up and sat down 3-4 times to make sure it was real!!!!! I could relate, because I have had the same experience in the movie theater. I love sharing these little successes with people. I have bonded with 6 women from my support group, and we all get together during various times. My long-time friends are just as supportive, and my folks and dear husband are great. Even my co-workers are sensitive to my needs, and rooting for me. Last week I stood in line for a concert with my husband and a friend. I didn't need my portable chair, as I usually do. I was able to stand. It was glorious! I no longer look for the closest parking space, because I can walk!!!! I think I amuse my husband with my new perspective on life. I cry when I put on the seatbelt in our car, because I could never do that before. Okay, off to enjoy the day. No more couch (or computer) potato behavior for me.

10-31-05 (280 pounds)
Holding fast for 2-3 weeks at 280. Those darn plateaus! Over the last week, I have been able to digest chicken and other animal protein that I couldn't handle since the surgery in July. I also find I am able to eat a larger volume, which terrifies me. Of course, my husband and friends say that I am eating the amount of a small child at any given meal. I guess my perceptions are a bit skewed. I am afraid of becoming obsessed with eating again, an obsession that I have not experienced since surgery. Now, I am starting to crave food. I hope I can continue to lose, and not stand still. I am ready to increase exercise, but my patience is so short. I want to drop more weight at a faster pace.

11-7-05
277 pounds. 87 down, which feels good. Posted my "before" pic on this website. Very hard to look at. 364 in the pic. I hardly ever let anyone take a picture of me, lest I see the reality of my obesity problem. So, there I am, in all my glory, like a prized hog waiting for a ribbon at the world's fair. I am now waiting for the day when I can post a lovely "after" picture.

11-16-05
270 pounds. 94 pounds down. I can start to feel a difference, but my belly is still so prominent. Oh well, a little closer every day. More to follow.

11-30-05
Home scale says 265. That is 99 pounds gone. I am starting to feel hopeful, but cautious at the same time. I love how it feels to walk now, to move, to participate more. It's very freeing.

12-20-05
I am officially a member of the "century club", having lost a grand total of 105 pounds thus far. Scale says 259. Doing a happy dance, although I have only lost 6 pounds in the previous 3 and a half weeks. I need to step up exercise and water drinking BIG TIME. Doc also said to cut down on edamame (soybeans, which I use as a diet staple) because it can slow the thyroid and metabolism. I had never heard that, but it is a good idea to vary one's diet. I really need to move my body more. No getting around it, and I find it can actually be (a little) fun.

12-27-05
Scale says 251. 114 pounds are gone. Boy, my skin is hanging. Not very attractive, but also very, very uncomfortable. Still counting blessings, as I feel so wonderful with my increased stamina and mobility. I look forward to getting healthier!

2-8-06 Scale needle is hovering between 239 and 240. That's 124 pounds in the 6 months since surgery, and 161 since my all-time high last year of 401. Boy, I love shedding this weight and feeling better. I love being able to walk more, although I still have some joint pain. More than anything, I pray to get below 200 pounds. I have to exercise more. Maybe that will speed things up. I hope so!

3-7-06 Okay, it has been a month, and I am still at 237. So, this is what a plateau feels like. Oddly though, I am able to fit into a size 18 (last month was a 20-22) and my ring size has shrunk to a 5 and a half. Funny how that happens with not much change in the scale. Frustrating, but I am going back to basics (more water, more protein and MORE exercise). Ciao for now!

3-21-06 225 pounds. Well, that pesky plateau seems to have abated. I have had a really bad flu, and no appetite. I have avoided my twice daily sugar/fat free lattes and beef jerky for a while, since I can't taste a thing. Maybe that is what caused a drop. I tell myself I can have those things, but I was starting to inch to 1500 calories a day. Maybe I just needed to reduce the intake a bit.(I know, and INCREASE the exercise). I was able to get things down to 1000 cals and still keep the protein up somewhat. As a result, I have lost a few pounds. It is challenging coming up with cold medication that agrees with the pouchie. My dear husband scoured the stores and found a diabetic cough medicine, which contains no sugar, aspirin or narcotics. He also got me some theraflu strips,which melt on the tongue. I use these things sparingly, since I am unsure of the side affects. This is my first major flu since surgery, and it is a doozy. Can't wait to feel better and start walking.

4-15-06 218 Pounds. Exercising more and drinking more water. My Doc said I would probably level out at 200 pounds, but I long to be in the "onesies". I am so thrilled at wearing size 16/18, something I have not been able to do in over twenty years. I love the increased energy! I love NOT worrying about theater/plane seats, restauraunt booths, and small spaces. I am enjoying a freedom I never thought was possible. Now the skin that hangs from my body in monumental sheets must be addressed. The arms and pannis are particularly painful, and require much upkeep in order to manage. Still, I am thankful for my good fortune thus far. Here's to a happier, healthier future.

5-4-06 Okay , so I am 214 pounds. It feels wonderful, but I am becoming obsessed with losing more weight. I long to get to "one-der-land', and this goal occupies my thoughts, dreams and desires every waking moment. I also want to increase my stamina and health.

The main reason for today's post is to express concern for my friend Gary, who had the surgery two days ago. He is a dear, sweet, young man, and the father of six beautiful children. I encouraged him, and now he is experiencing complications from the surgery. I don't know why this has happened, and my heart is heavy with worry. I pray he is in good hands, and recovers swiftly. I feel tremendous guilt for being someone who came out of surgery with few complications, and I don't know why Gary didn't experience the same luck. I have a few friends who have had complications, with no rhyme or reason. The thought of any human being suffering breaks my heart. It's particularly sad when they look to surgery as a last resort to saving their life. I know that there are risks with every surgery, but it just doesn't seem fair. When I was vomitting 4-5 times daily for the first four months, I never saw it as a complication. I saw it as a challenge, and I truly believed I could overcome any challenge with the right attitude. I was lucky in that I was able to be patient and somehow minimize the discomfort in my mind, and look toward the future. I hope Gary is able to be as resilient.

5-22-06
I am pleased to report that my bariatric friend Gary is doing better. He seems to be adjusting to his new stomach, and the life changes that go with it. I am very happy that his path seems to be going well. He has lost about 40 pounds, and is feeling optimistic.

I have been on a month-long plateau. I notice that I am hungry now, really hungry, and thinking about food a lot more. I knew this would happen eventually, but I continue to journal my food, count sugar, fat, calories and protein grams. I abstain from flour, rice and bread products. I fear that my body is settling in at 214, and I so hoped to go below 200. I pray that will happen.However, I am thankful for all the positive life changes that have come my way since losing 186 pounds from my top weight, 150 of those stubborn pounds from surgery.

I must increase exercise, and I have to face that fact sooner or later. There isn't the calorie reduction I first enjoyed as a new surgery patient (going from pre-surgery average of 5000 calories a day, to 1000 cals per day post-surgery).

The only way to create more weight loss is to burn more than I take in. I am frustrated because my joints are tender and painful from all the years of being morbidly obese, but I must do muscle-building and bite the bullet somehow. I am really in flux, and I am so fearful of gaining the weight back. I like my life too much now to let that happen!

5-29-06
209 pounds. Slowly inching toward my dream of being in "one-der-land". Pray it happens. It is only a number, I know, but it would signify so much for me. I haven't been in the "ones" since Reagan was in office. I would be so happy to be there, and stay there. I love feeling so free and being released from my prison of flesh. Yesterday, I was on the floor, playing with my kitty, and a got up and down with no effort. I did five loads of laundry, when one used to tucker me out to the point of incapacitation. Now, I can do anything I set my mind to doing. Now, that's living. I have many blessings, for which I am very thankful.

6-15-06
Ended up in the hospital. Throwing up blood and had bloody diarrhea. Thought is was related to the bypass, but after many tests, was diagnosed as Gastroenteritis. Not sure how to even spell that, but apparently, it is a virus. They gave me an IV with fluids and a drug called Reglan, which stopped the vomiting. I went home after 8 hours, and felt okay enough to go to work the next day. Scary, but good final outcome.

6-20-06
Well, holding fast at 208. The GREAT news is that I got on a bike for the first time in almost 30 years. My husband and I went to Venice Beach, and I rode one of the chopper bicycles. Oh, happiness, joy and elation! I had tears of glee streaming down my face for the first mile. I was so thrilled, I couldn't stop crying. What a new and freeing experience. We probably did close to three miles. Pretty good for someone who felt destined to live her life wearing the springs down in her tired old sofa. I spent the last twenty years like that, but after a total weight loss of 193 pounds from my highest weight, there is a NEW girl in town. Yipeeeeeeeee!

6-23-06: Broke the barrier, and hit 205. So happy that in 4 more pounds, I will have lost 200 lbs total. Gotta go..my students are graduating today. What a miraculous year!

7-21-06 My one year anniversary was 7-18-06. I am thrilled, and even more thrilled that I am 200 pounds as of this morning. I am wearing some size 14's (who ever thought?) and cannot wait to break into "one-der-land". Please lord, hurry...lol.

7-23-06 Oh, rhapsody, joy, elation, and bliss. I hit nirvana! I am 198 pounds. I am "in the ones". I thought I was destined to live my life "in the fours" and now, here I am, getting to an number I have not seen for almost 20 years. I screamed when I weighed myself (in my apartment, at 6 am on Sunday morning) and even though that was not very considerate, I could not contain myself. My husband Ted, who has been my rock, danced me around the room. My cat Percy, was indifferent, lol. I immediately called my Dad and Stepmom, and they were literally crying with joy. They have been so supportive through all this. Dad lost over 150 pounds without surgery, and I always wanted to make him proud of me. He walks daily and watches his food, and has kept his weight off for almost 10 years. I am proud of him, and now, he is finally proud of my loss, though he has always been my number one cheerleader! I am so thankful to my wonderful husband, family and friends for being there for me. Now, I can say with certainty, I can also be healthy and present for them! I am sooooooo thrilled! Yipee!!!!!!!!

8-15-06 I am 195 pounds and wearing size 14. I am thrilled, and also I am determined to keep healthy and stay on a proper eating regime. I continue to journal my food daily, counting fat, sugar and protein grams. I am even starting to enjoy exercise. I want to be successful in the long run. It is up to me. I have to choose to be successful!

My husband took the dreaded pictures requested by the insurance company. I cannot believe the monumental amount of skin that hangs from my frame. Not only is it unattractive, but it is painful. It gets in the way of normal, everyday activities. It chafes and rubs and hurts more than I can describe. I look at the pictures with tears in my eyes, and cannot believe I look so horrible after so much hard work. I guess it is truly the wreckage of my past. Losing more than half my body weight has taken a toll on my skin and muscle tone, it is true. However, I have to remember that it has also left me with increased health, vigor and a feeling that is beyond wonderful. I am cautiously hopeful that I can continue this journey and see my reconstructive surgery and healthy recuperation to fruition. Bye for now....Pammy

9-12-06: The scale is hovering around 190 pounds. Weight loss since surgery: 174 pounds. Total weight loss from highest point: 211 pounds. Total skin hanging: 70 million feet, or so it seems. However, I am still counting blessings at being able to maintain a workable food and exercise program. Success feels good, and I hope to keep the good habits I've developed over the last year for my entire lifetime.

I keep having dreams in which I am morbidly obese again. One recent dream had me walking down a mirrored corridor. Every 10 feet, I was gaining 20 pounds, until I was over 400 again. I lost my sure gait, and broke into a wheeze and sweat. I woke up screaming "no", and my husband got quite a start. I guess it doesn't take Freud to figure out what is going on. I have to remember that I can be successful if I employ all the tools and knowledge I have recently acquired. The mind is having a hard time keeping up with the body's changes. I cannot fathom that I can wear a size 14, and I am constantly looking at clothing items thinking they are too small. When I try them on, I am surprised that they fit, or in some cases, prove to be too large. There is still much work to be done, obviously. I end this by expressing gratitude for my mobilty and increased health.

10-9-06: 185 pounds. The needle on the scale is going down, but ever so slowly. My skin is hanging lower than then belly of a snake. However, I have energy to burn. Just wish my knee didn't ache so much, but still, I have much to celebrate. 216 pounds are gone. Whooooooo-hoooo!

12-24-06: Just wanted to memorialize this date for my own records-the night of the blockage. Long story sort~Surgery, a gastric bag for two months, a close call, and later, gratitude for being alive. All very character-building.

6-28-07: Well, I just erased almost a year's worth of anecdotal info by accident. Pity the fool who fails to back up files. In a nutshell, I had a blockage, almost died, recovered, and developed a new, healthy respect for food, making it down to 150 pounds and a size small/medium. I weigh less now than I did at 10 years old. I am extremely thrilled at the internal and external changes, and feel like I am able to live a meaningful , happier life. Passing for thin, as they say, is quite the experience. My heart will always be with the chubs, however. No disrespect meant, I just gravitate to larger folks because I so relate to them. 

I have some students who are so special to me. They have weight issues in varying degrees. It is my sole mission to assure them of what valuable and fabulous human beings they are, regardless of their size. Children (and adults) can be so cruel to people of size! When I see these students, it brings me back to memories and pain of my own experiences with morbid obesity , which originated at age 4. I made it my business to please others and seek their approval. I sang, danced, played the piano, would do anything to have people like me.  Sometimes I was successful, other times, their disdain was so palpable, I could cut it with a knife.  I see it now, in my students, and I want to protect them from all the pain I experienced as a child. However, there is only one summer to a customer. I can no more protect my students than erase my past.  I CAN give them unconditional love and acceptance, and know that their experiences will build strength and character, just as it did in my case. I only wish the road to self-discovery and esteem is smoother for them. Now, off for a little vacation where I will ride horses, whale-watch, and do all sorts of activities I never imagined  in my wildest dreams. I was housebound at between 350 and 400 pounds for the last 25 years, so there is such a lot of living to do with my handsome, wonderful, intelligent and studly husband , Ted. Bye for now!

7-24-07: 150 pounds. I went to see the movie "Hairspray" yesterday. The 1988 original with Divine had been my favorite big girl movie for so long. I identified with the heroines, and sang the songs as my personal anthem. In the movie yesterday, I sobbed. Something about all the "big and beautiful" hoopla struck such a powerful chord. I will always be the "big girl" in my mind, regardless of how I seem to look to others. I have said before, it is not about the looks, but rather the health and mobility. I am so happy to be in a smaller, healthier body in which I can better navigate. However, I mourn my big-girl demise. I still pass by Lane Bryant and Torrid with longing in my heart. I can't shop at those places anymore,  even though I was once too large for their largest sizes. These stores had been my salvation for a long time, and I feel like I have been kicked out of the club. Strange, aye? 

7-29-07: 152. Revelation time. I was up a few pounds. I think it was due to incorporating non-protein things into my program (fat/sugar free lattes, sugar-free fudgecicles, pita bread, soy chips - very addictive and all basically JUNK FOOD. HELLO?????). I was so hungry Friday night, like a bottomless pit. This scared me. I haven't had that kind of voracious hunger in 2 years. So, I went back to basics. Lean protein and salad. People!!!! It does fill you up. I plan to nip the 2 pound weight gain in the bud!  The old Pam would have shot her wad and ordered take out. However, there is a new girl in town, one who treats her body with loving care! It's all up to me. Nobody else. It is MY responsibility to honor this gift given to me by Dr. Khalili. I must be respectful of it. It is much easier to maintain a stable weight than to lose a bigger amount all over again! I am NOT going there!!!!!! Eat your protein, people, honor your gift .  More revelations ( It's been a big weekend).  I bought two dresses in size 10. Me. Pamela. Size 10. Me. Jeez. Okay, then, we got another kitty named Crumpet. A rescue kitty. Sooo darn cute. I hope he integrates well with my current love kitty, Percy,who is so spoiled. I am now officially " a crazy cat lady". Who ever thought?  Third thing, I cut all my hair off. I had grown it long for several years, but everyone said my face is long and narrow since the weight loss, and I needed new hair. I am a bit shocked. It will take some getting use to. I will post pics of Percy, Crumpet, my new hair and Ted, my wonderful hubby (the love of my life) very soon. 

8-24-07: Still 150 pounds. amazing to me. Took my first plane trip in many years to visit dear family. I had a blast. Spent time with people I love and adore. Walked all over tarnation.  Who would have ever though that possible? I am sooo grateful. I just love being able to walk, regardless of the heat or distance, with nothing to keep me down. Before, I used to actually calculate the shortest route. i walked as little as humanly possible. Those days are over, baby!!!! I also bought a dress in a size small, and a few tops in size 8. I used to sit at every mall bench I saw, but I was running around a mall for three hours, and never sat down once. My knees need replacing, they hurt, but I am able to ice them and go for a few hours.  My Doctor says I have an amazing tolerance for pain. I guess he is right.

I had an interesting plane ride both ways. When I embarked on my trip. I effortlessly made my way down the narrow aisle. I sat down, fastened the seatbelt and exclaimed to no one in particular "Dear God, it actually fits".  The man next to me said "Why wouldn't it fit,  PIPSQUEAK?".  Now, being called a pipsqueak, especially at my age, is a bit odd. Neverthless, that man unknowingly did me a world of good.

On the way back, I sat next to a lovely girl who was quite large. She was overflowing in the seat and sitting on my thigh, arm, my entire right side, really. I felt for her. I asked if she would be more comfortable with the armrest up. She was grateful. She said "you just don't know what it is like to be big". I blinked in disbelief as she continued. "They wanted me to buy two seats, but I can't afford it." She apologized profusely. She had been conditioned so she didn't feel entitled to breath someone else's air.  I so felt for this girl. I usually tell everyone about the surgery, but I refrained this time. I didn't want this dear girl to see it as a personal attack, or that I viewed her as anything other than the beautiful person she is. She didn't know I was a 400 pound person for the last 20-odd years. She didn't know I was simply passing for thin. I thought everyone could spot my story a mile away. This girl was fooled , though.... Later, she struggled as she went to the bathroom, barely squeezing between the narrow aisle. This world is just not sensitive to the needs of larger folks. I asked her if she wanted my airline snacks (she did) and I ate a small fuji apple I had in my purse. They tray table did not go down on her side, but rather , rested on her full belly. I remembered those days too well. As I pulled down my own tray (all the way)  I silently thanked God for all the opportunities I had been given. Well, dat's it for now. 

9-16-07: Still 150 pounds. Amazing. hey, last night we went to a wedding to celebrate the marriage of my Godson, who is recently back from Iraq. He looked so handsome with his new bride. I have not seen him in a year. When I went to kiss him, he exclaimed "WHO ARE YOU???". He truly did not know. I have known him since he was 4 years old, and he didn't recognize me. He had tears in his eyes, for many reasons, I am sure. He said he was amazed at my transformation. Kind words, especially since this day should have been all about he and his bride. I pray they have a safe, loving and happy marriage. I felt like a queen with my handsome Ted on my arm. He is truly the light of my life. I am soo lucky. I was thrilled to be wearing a size 10 dress. I even have a few things in size 8. Who ever thought????

Funny thing about my hair-a few months after bypass it thinned out - typical stuff, until I adjusted my supplements and could eat more protein. Well, just like a chemo patient, the quality of my hair changed. It had always been stick straight, all my life. I would perm it every few months, regardless of the trends. I hated straight hair, but I wasn't thrilled with the brillo-pad look I had from all the perm damage. I was never happy with my hair.  Anyway, fast forward to two years after bypass.......Be careful what you wish for, lol!  The hair thinned, it said goodbye to my scalp, only to return a virtual stranger. It appears to have come back curly. STRANGE! These changes make it such that I hardly recognize myself these days. When I wash my clothes and hang them up, I can' t imagine that I can get into these little frocks. They look like doll clothes to me. My former clothes always reminded me of painter's tarps.

Food is still an issue in my mind, but I seldom act on my impulses. At the wedding there was prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, rice, mashed potatoes. I didn't touch any of it for fear of dumping. I had some idea that I would run into this, so I had a chicken salad before we left. Good plan! I am thankful that I am one of those who still dumps, though I seldom let it happen. When it does, it is purely accidental! I don't intentionally eat poorly, but every once in a while, I have a bit of cream in my coffee or some salad dressing in a restaurant, and that is enough to make me VERY ill. So sensitive to fat and sugar! 
However, I am pleased that I have this type of behavior modification to temper my demons.  Well, off for a walk, and then a nice healthy breakfast of egg whites and soy sausage. Ciao!

9-20-7: Still 150 lbs. That's quite a long stretch at a stable weight. Glorious! I guess the 1900-2000 calories I am taking in daily mean maintenance for me. That's a lot of calories, but I journal my food daily. I count my fat, sugar and protein grams. I count my water, document my exercise, and give gratitude for being able to get a handle on healthy eating for the first time in my life. A former student came by yesterday, and could not believe the change. It's funny, even family members and longtime friends don't recognize me. Heck, sometimes, I don't recognize myself. Having been obese since childhood, many people have never seen me at a normal weight. I cry as I think of all the years lost being mentally and physically incapacitated by excess weight, but I am thankful I got the chance to live life from this different and new perspective. Better late than never. I guess i am what you would call a "late bloomer".

10-13-07: 150 pounds still. STILL. Wow.
10-24-07. Okay, here I am , still 150 pounds. If the scale inches up, I just increase protein, decrease carbs  (even if they are complex) and step up the water and the motion. I am really feeling the effects of the extra skin, and although I have more pressing health issues, I am really beginning to face my fear of plastic surgery. I cannot deal with these painful rashes any more. I may have to investigate this more, once and for all. I have avoided it for too long! Okay, enough of that. On to something more pressing...

A special prayer goes out to all the people touched by these terrible fires we are experiencing in Southern California. I have never seen anything like it in my life. I pray for their safety, and thank all the firefighters for putting their lives on the line. Bye for now.