Well, it has been some time since my initial banding. In a couple of weeks, I will be three months post-op. I am trying desperately to stay positive. I have not lost any more weight since my initial first few weeks after surgery. I have only had one fill, which was over three weeks ago. My surgeon did inform me that with the first fill, most people don't get any real restriction. He was absolutely correct in my case.  So, even today, nearly three months out of surgery, I am still basically on a diet.  What does that mean?  It means that I am failing at dieting!

I wanted to get to the 280's before my next fill, which is coming up on the 14th of August. I keep fluctuating between 289 and 303. I am working on re-establishing the use of bandster rules. I try not to drink with my meals, and I work on chewing my food, but I must admit that without proper restriction, it is just easier to fall into the habits of old, and eat the wrong foods.

I rededicate myself daily to this process. Some days I do okay, but most days I feel like a failure. Today, I feel like a failure.  I pray that the success that I am supposed to experience from this band is not dependent on will-power.

Since my surgery, I have been maintaining a good level of INSANITY!  You know, doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different reuslts.  Pre-banded life, I held myself to such a high standard of compliance to lose weight.  The result?  Well, first, a pervasive feeling of fa ilure when I didn't get things perfect.  As a perfectionist, this fit right in with my perfectionist attitude.  Basically, I felt that if you can't do something very well, then why bother?  If you don't try, than you can't fail.  What a horrible cycle.

What I have to remind myself of, and continue to work towards is the journey.  I have to continue to try new things when I don't get the outcome that I expect.  For example, why would I continue to not prepare meals, and expect to always make good food choices?  It never happens that way!  I need to try something different.  I know that seems so simple, but I kept telling myself that I would be strong enough and motivated enough to make the right food choices.  It rarely happens!  So why keep doing it?!?

What is crystal clear to me is that this journey is not about will power.  This journey is about realizing what has not worked for me in the past, and striving everyday to find what does work for me.

It is time to refocus.  I need to refocus so that I can see my way to the future on this journey.

I had lap-band surgery on May 16th.  That puts me at about 3 weeks out.  I have a lot of mixed emotions right now.  Unfortunately the two emotions pulling me in two very different directions are hopefulness and hopelessness.

By reading posts and looking at all of the success stories, I am hopeful that this band will work for me.  On my day of surgery, I weighed in at 305 pounds on the hospital scale.  Right now, my home scale says 295.6.  There usually is about a 3 pound difference between the two, with my scale being more forgiving.  I understand that I am in the healing process, and that weight-loss is not expected, but I certainly am hopeful for it.  As I continue to learn, practice and perfect the lifestyle that I will need to be successful, I am reminded daily of what a huge learning curve this is.  While the nutritionist and surgeon have guidelines for what to do, I realize that much of what I put into, and how I move my body is highly specific to me as an individual.  At times, it gets to be overwhelming.  This overwhelming feeling leads to a sense of hopelessness.

I wonder when, and on tougher days, if I will get all of this together.  I know that the key is to take things one day at a time.  Sometimes, I know I need to take things moment by moment.

I really wish that I had a support system where I live.  I certainly know that I can come to OH for information and support.  I also know that the hospital where I had my surgery has monthly support groups.  Those resources are great.  I am speaking of something beyond the virtual and remote.

I relocated to a state distant from my family.  I am here by myself.  Well, I do have my faithful beagle!  But, he isn't much for talking.  He's a great listener though!  And so appreciative of my presence.  Seriously, though, I don't have a network of friends.  I do have some co-workers who I hang out with from time to time, and I do have people that I can call in case of an emergency, but, for the most part, I am pretty isolated.

I used to talk to my best friend two or three times a day.  I didn't even have to set my alarm to get up in the morning.  His phone call was like clock-work.  And more often than not, we talked on the phone as I made my commute from work to home, and even still we would often talk on the phone before we went to bed.  That sustained me for friendship.  I know that's sad, but it's a long story that I would prefer not to get into.

It's not that I am anti-social.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  The problem is that I moved from a very diverse place to one that is not.  The people here are not so ready to embrace diversity, and I don't have the energy to fight it.  I am very thankful to God that He has given me an independent spirit, or else, I don't think I would have been able to make it here.  Sometimes, I do get sad and lonely, but that too, as all other challenges, passes.

I moved here for the employment opportunities.  I have no regrets about that.  I am definitely reaping the financial benefits and experiencing great professional growth and stability.  I feel that I am on course with what God has planned for me in my life.  I think I have packed enough love for myself on this journey.  I'm still standing, and walking strong.  What I know for certain is that whatever I didn't pack for myself for this journey, God will provide.

I had my lap band surgery on May 16th.  Prior to the surgery date, I was kind of nervous because I didn't think that I would loose the weight that I needed to in order to have the surgery.  My inability to lose the weight was purley psychological.  Afterall, prior to the weight loss surgery, I had lost and maintained a weight loss of nearly 100 pounds for over three years.

I can't fully explain why I was allowing me to sabotage myself.  God knows better, and wouldn't allow it.  In spite of myself, I was able to lose the minimal amount of weight required.

I did a bowel prep two days before.  That in conjunction with a three day liquid diet put me in the positionof having lost 12 pounds prior to my surgery date.  One of my personal goals was to be below 300 pounds before surgery.  The truth of the matter is that a goal without effort is just a wish!

I didn't put the kind of effort that I needed to in order to achieve the weight loss that I wanted, so on the day of surgery I weighed in at 305 pounds.  That is actually 2 additional lost pounds beyond what my surgeon required.

Since surgery, I have continued to lose.  I had very little appetite, and did mostly liquids.  My surgeon's group is not as conservative about the post operative diet as some other surgeons.  I was allowed to eat pureed foods on day 4.  Even though it has only been two weeks or so since my surgery, I am now eating solid foods.  My surgeon is supportive of this.  He said that right now, I should focus on allowing the band to settle in, and to allow my body to heal.  As other patients have said, if I lose weight during this time, it will be a bonus.

I started out on this web-site with a BMI of 52.5.  Today my BMI is 48.2.  I am appreciative of that.  To some that may seem rediculous, but when put into perspective, I feel phenominal about it.

At one point in time I weighed over 400 pounds.  Even though I am at the very top of the 200's, I feel like I will never have to weigh 400 or 300 pounds again.

I have admired obese women who are confident about their appearance.  I have always wanted that confidence.  I fake it, but I would love for it to be authentic. As many women have stated, the extra weight that I carry has been a barrier for me for so long.  We all have reasons why the weight is here.  For me, it served a real purpose.  At this point, in my life however, it has become a major hinderance, and crippler to my self esteem.   more later

I attended my pre-op seminar today.  It lasted three hours.  The other people there had so many questions, and their surgery dates are fast approaching.  I asked if anybody had heard of OH.  The only person other than me, was the nurse running the seminar.

I told them how helpful OH has been to me in my journey thus far.  Everybody seemed interested in taking a look at OH when they got back home to their computers.

My surgery is scheduled for May 16, and I am required to lose 10 pounds prior to the surgery.  I weighed in at the doctors office today and I found out that I have to lose six additional pounds.  The nurse there suggested that I do a two week high protein liquid diet.  I don't know if I can do  that, but I am going to try my best.

Just when I was about to give up this evening, and eat something solid and substantial, I decided to open a can of Progresso southwestern vegetable soup.  I am so glad that the can of soup was satisfying.  It gives me hope!

The count down is on.  I have fifteen days to lose six pounds.  What I would really like to do is to get below 300, but I don't know if that is possible.

Tomorrow I will do my best to get in some exercise.  At this point, everything  helps.