GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008



  New Rule: No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white
people version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know
what the
captain of the football team is doing these days ---
mowing my lawn.


  New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless
you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less
than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Lobster?


  New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for  these kids:
'Lucky bastards.'


  New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone..
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
have two of them?
Good, we're done.


  New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.


  New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the
bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf
grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread
cappuccino,  extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.


  New Rule: I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing
me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.


  New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters
in it doesn't  make you Spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you
did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.


  New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy old television shows, then you have
to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom
attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like
I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
If he's
supposed to be there, or  just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands


  New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want
a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for
God's sake
don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of
flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'

pre op 9/327 = 2.8%

month 1 25/318 = 7.9%

month 2 10/293 = 3.4%

month 3 15/283 = 5.3%

month 4 15/268 = 5.6%

month 5 14/253 = 5.5%

month 6 12/239 = 5.0%

month 7 08/227 = 3.5%

month 8 10/219 = 4.6%

month 9 18/209 = 8.6%

month 10 7/191 = 3.7%

month 11 10/184 = 5.4%

month 12 7/174 = 4.0%

month 13 5/167 = 3%

month 14 6/162 = 3.7% 

month 15 5/157 =  3.2%

month 16 4/152 = 2.6%

month 17 0/148 (My first 0 month woohoo!)

month 18 3/148 = 2% 

month 19 1/145 = 0.7%

month 20 3/144 =  2.8%

month 21 4/141 = 2.8%

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Jupiter6 Thorofare, NJ John Meilahn, M.D., F.A.C.S. RNY (07/16/07) Member Since: 11/16/03 [Latest Posts]

Post Date: 5/12/08 12:46 pm Last Edit: 5/12/08 12:53 pm I try to be kind, but I am going to vent a moment here-- no one in particular in mind, just a general statement. I see so many people go  into this like gangbusters and lose steam-- and it annoys the crap out of me. And still more who  "were never told" what to do-- and never bothered to find out, either. I think of my RNY like a marriage--- and not just of organs and connective tissue. Love it or hate it, it's with me now for life-- and my attitude is that I can either invest everything I have in it in hopes of high rewards, or neglect it and hope it works out.  A LOT of people have their focus on the wedding (surgery day) or the whirlwind romantic honeymoon (the first year of easy loss.) The truth is, you could probably eat nothing but goddamn Cap'n Crunch cereal and Pixy Sticks and lose weight in the first 6 months--- just like the honeymoon in the Bahamas'd be full of lusty fun under the worst of conditions....the challenge is how to maintain a working, passionate and healthful MARRIAGE--- which lasts the rest of your life. So for me, on a daily basis, on the 9-5, I am faithful, compliant and hardworking. I honor my vows by tallying nutrition, balancing foods, getting moderate exercise, and not shoving crap in my face. On occasion, I remind myself that I am human and lusty by scheduling in a little "afternoon delight" in the form of a piece of chocolate, or a half-slice of cake--- but I am not having an affair, I am actually keeping myself from having affairs--by treating my RNY spouse as part of a full relationship, and remembering my love for food in a limited and honorable way---not having a "quickie" in some seedy bar bathroom stall (Cheetos, a handful of fries, candy from the machine), but a planned weekend at that quaint motor lodge with the hot tub and a view of the canyon. I ask, "Can we afford it?" and check the numbers and say, "Hell, it's only 1100 calories, go for it." Then my RNY and I do some wonderful, small, memorable things with food. People ask me, "Don't you ever just eat something? Like a snack or a handful of M&Ms?" To me, that'd be like making out with the janitor. I have a commitment to my RNY (and by proxy my self.). I am not gonna dishonor that by playing slap and tickle with the hired help in a dirty bathroom. So I have my planned forays--- Saturday night was my first in two months-- and it cost me literaly 1100 calories for the day.  And when the weekend was over, my RNY and I came back to the daily business of running my body's household. Vacation is just that-- vacation.  And when the honeymoon period ends, I am gonna have to look my RNY spouse in the face and get on with things.  Forget the wedding-- weddings are always lovely. And screw the honeymoon-- who doesn't have a wonderful honeymoon? The $1,000,000 question here is, "How are you going to honor your RNY marriage-- in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"  "To be a revolutionary is to love your life enough to change it, to choose struggle instead of exile-- and to risk everything with only the glimmering hope of a world to win." -Andrew Kopkind, 1968     Consult  (1/31/07): 368.0 lbs. --62.1 BMI Surgery Day  (7/16/07): 300.8 lbs. --50.1 BMI                         Current Weight (5/11/08): 194.4 lbs.--32.2 BMI

141 pounds this week and new clothes required ;)