I am back at my lowest weigt of 153. I have made good decisions and have stayed away from the devil. OOps I mean bread!  Oh yea, and I forgot to mention staying away from alcohol has helped out a lot as well.  My son's birthday party is tomorrow and I rented out half the sports center pool. I am crazy because it cost a lot of money but when it comes to TJ's birthday parties I have always been a little exavagant. I don't have a lot of money to always spend on him, so this is the one big thing I do for him every year. KC took the day off tomorrow to help me. He's such a good guy. I swear, I think being with him has really opened up my eyes even more to how wrong Daniel was for me. It's ironic they have the same job and both worked at the same place. My friend says that this is destiny and how things were supposed to turn out- meeting him and seeing how bad Daniel was to me. I always used Daniel's job (he works for the state, he's a correctional peace officer) for so many excuses and I am seeing now what KC is capeable of doing for me and he has the same damn job. I try not to compare, but I can't help it. I am not talking financial people, I am talking just in general. For example, KC gave me his work phone number and who to ask for if I ever needed to get a hold of him at work in an emergency. He also asked if he could put me down on his emergency contact list at work in case they ever had to notify me of any accidents, assaults etc. I always asked Daniel to put me down on his contact list and he would tell me, "oh you'll find out one way or the other if anything happens to me. No need to put you down on my contact list." HEEELLLLO. I lived with this man and was with him for 7 freaking years and he never put me down on his contact list nor give me his work number in case of emergencies. WTF... I thought that was just normal. With KC he makes sure all his t's are crossed and his i's are dotted. He is wonderful in so many ways. Today he got me a bulb for my headlight since my headlight is busted from my accident. He just picked the bulb up because he was out and wanted to make sure i was safe and that i wouldn't get pulled over again for having just one headlight. I know that sounds minor and no big deal but these little things are very important to me and make a big difference. He thought enough and cares enough about me to spend the time and money to get a bulb for me- and I didn't even have to ask him. He paid my registration that was due in April. Yea, I am a little late aren't I? And yes, he's paying for my deductable to get my car fixed. He says it will give him peice of mind that I am safe. Okay, so I know what you are thinking... no I don't owe him anything and he even says that. He says it makes him feel good knowing these things are taken care of and that he won't have to worry about me while he's at work. He says I don't owe him anything... and I beleive him. It seems like he has done more for me in this short amount of time then Daniel ever did for me. Like I said, I am really trying hard not to compare but it's so hard not too. Maybe being with Daniel and then meeting KC was meant to happen like my friend said. I just don't know. What I do know is that he treats me like the princess that I am and I am happy. He makes me feel special and he makes my heart beat fast. I feel so comfortable with him- like he likes me for me.

My son turned 10 on Sunday. I just can't believe he's 10 already! TJ was at his dad's house all weekend long. His birthday just happened to fall on "his weekend." It was also Labor Day so TJ stayed at this dad's house until Monday. Monday evening KC and I picked him up. KC took us to Red Lobster for TJ's birthday dinner. TJ loves that place and has wanted to go there for a long time. They came out and sang Happy Birthday to him. It was very cute. KC is so good to me and willing to wait for me for forever he says. (in the intimate side of things) and I am comfortable with that. It's all little strange since this is so new- to be treated with respect. This is the first man I have waited so long to sleep with. I know, TMI (to much information) but usually I don't wait so long. With him it's different. I want to make him wait. I want things to work and part of the respect factor is to hold out as long as possible. Damn, if only he knew my past... LOL He says we are a "team" and that makes me feel so good. I have wanted that for so long- to be a "team" with someone. We'll see how he acts in a couple of months after our "honeymoon stage." He met my grandma and her husband yesterday briefly. I will be flying to Vegas the last part of September to meet his family. Part of my problem in the past was I was too concerned about what others thought about me and the one I was with. I was the type of woman that liked to flaunt my man- for my man to be the hottest one in the crowd. Well the problem with that is that those type of men like to "wonder." Now that I am older and wiser I know that looks aren't everything. I know I am falling hard for this guy because I actually liked holding his hand at the mall yesterday. I reached down and grabbed his hand. I could care less what others thought. I even saw an old friend and introduced him as my "boyfriend." Who cares what anyone else thinks- he is a wonderful person and that all that matters. So what if he's not a model or a hottie. I am beginning to see him as a hottie and that is how I know I am falling hard for him. He thinks I am wonderful and thinks the world of TJ and that is the most important. TJ just loves him. We have a strong connection and I feel really good about this. Of course I have my guard up and my barrier walls up because this is so soon- all this is so new but I feel secure in letting them down slowly... little by little.

So my 7 pound weight gain turned into a 4 pound weight gain only. It makes it a little better. I am slowly getting back on track and it hasn't been too hard. I received a beautiful boquet of flowers at work on Wednesday from KC. He's so wonderful. He is so good to me. I have good news- I got a promotion at work and I am transfering departments! It is a substantial raise and I finally feel like i have a "real job." I am going to take this position seriuosly. Not that I don't take my current position seriously- it's just that I have turned into someone else entirely since I started my current position. I started working a month after surgery here. I have completely changed on the inside and out and I kind of used this position as my transitional job. I look back at my accomplishments and I am truely amazed. I am excited about starting a new position with my new self. Out with the old and in with the new. A year ago I was so obsessed with my ex boyfriend and trying to work things out with him. I thought I was going to "die" without him and I didn't know how in the world I was going to live my life without him. I am gonig to make a list of things I have done in less then a year. I need to do this as a reminder to myself that I should be damn proud of myself for my accomplishments thus far- in less then a year!
1.        I lost 111 pounds
2.        I got promoted in my job with a fat raise
3.        I met a wonderful man who treats me like a princess
4.        I moved out on my own and have my own apartment with my son
5.        I have a regular exercise routine
6.        I have a great circle of friends who I trust and can count on
7.        I learned that I deserve much better then just a roof over my head
8.        I learned that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity
9.        I learned that I don't need anyone else to make ME happy
10.      I learned that weightloss is a constant battle
There is so much more that I have learned and accmoplished, but I think those are the biggest and most important. Sure, I can fit in a pair of size 8-10 jeans but the bigger picture here is more important. I think the INTERNAL change is waaaaay more important then the external changes I have gone through. Perhaps for some it is the other way around, but for me it is definatley the INTERNAL part that I am more excited about then the external. The external is just an added bonus to the beautiful new internal me. People tell me everyday how great I look and I really think it's just the whole attitude and my glow that I portray because I feel good on the inside. THis journey thus far has been such an exciting adventure and I need to be reminded sometimes of my INTERNAL accomplishments.

Well just great. I get a boyfriend and I gain 7 pounds. WTF. I know why- i have been eating out fine dining with him and eating bread for days. I have totally lost control over my eating and today is the day when I am making a full committment to myself to do right from now on. So I weigh 159 from 153.  That's 7 pounds people! I know I can get back on track and i just need to focus my attention on myself again and not on food.  I am so dissapointed in myself for not making good and right choices. I guess I have a goal now again and I would like to reach it. I hope I didn't stretch my pouch out and I am disgusted with myself. I really have to examine why I associate food with a good time. (new boyfriend).

So my 4 pound weight gain only turned into being a half a pound weight gain. It's amazing what exercise and water can do! LOL I really need to get myself in check though. I actually gave the title of "boyfriend" to my friend I have been seeing. He is absolutley wonderful and his personality is so much like mine. He truely thinks he doesn't deserve me and I just love that. I am so not being used to being treated well with respect. I almost think perhaps I need to go back to my therapist and tell her about this guy. He bought me a diamond heart shaped necklace already "just because." I told my sister that I was going to hold off sleeping with him until I got the matching earrings to go with it. LOL No, but really I have never been treated like this before- good. We'll see if this is just a sheraid or not. You know how these men act at first and then everything changes once they "get" you. He has already booked a flight to Vegas for us to meet his family. Things are moving a little fast but I feel comfortable about it. I never thought in a million years I would EVER end up with someone like this. I am not sure how to put this but I have never dated or been with a white guy before. I am not sure if it's been just coincedence or not but it is what it is. There's no sugar coating that or beating around the bush on that one. It's true. And I never thought I would end up with someone with glasses and comes across a little dorky. To me now he's handsome and his personality is golden and he treats me like a princess and that is all that matters.  On another note, I have an interview today at work to change departments. It would be considered a promotion making about $500 more a month. That's basically my car payment for me. I need the money. I am sooooo in credit card debt and I blaim it all on my weightloss.  Last night I looked at myself in a picture and my face looked so thin- almost looked sick to me. I guess I am over exagerating but damn compared to my BFF I looked so boney. I say to myself I want to get to 145- that's 8 more pounds but really I don't think I need to loose anything more. 153 is a good weight for me. I am considered "normal" on the wonderful BMI chart.

The title says it all

Well I totaled the front end of my car on the way to the Raiders game on Friday night. Long story but my poor car... I am still seeing Dork boy ( I am soooo rude) and he is wonderful. Finally I have met someone who is a wonderful person on the inside and that to me is all that counts. The total package deal? Well not quite but almost. The looks department... not so hot. I even brought him to meet my dad and my dad likes him! My brother in law says he's good for me and that he will "bring me back down to earth." Whatever that means. He is totally into me and already I have had to pump the brakes on the inside of me personally. Example- I saw him Friday night (he came with me to the Raiders game) and then on Monday he came to see me. He wanted to see me Tuesday and I said ok. I got to thinking and I have a million and one things to do. TJ started school today and I had to take my puppy to the vet. I had to much to do for real Tuesday night so I called KC (that is his name) and told him I would have to take a rain check in seeing him. I could tell he was dissapointed but it actually felt kind of good that for once I wasn't putting some man in front of what I had to do. I have to remember part of my journey thus far was realizing that me and my son come first. I have to take care of business and I can say no. Before, I could never say no because I was afraid of what the other person may think. I have learned that it is okay to say no. There was no way I could have spread myself to see him Tuesday night- i had a ton of things to do. As it was, TJ and I didn't go to sleep until like 11pm last night. So anyway, feels good to be me and not put anyone else in front of what I needed to do. I guess one would say that is being selfish but on the other hand it's more like reality. I went through an agonizing 7 year relationship where he always came first. Never again will I do that to myself or my son. I lacked self discipline when it came to taking care of myself and what business I had to take care of. He came first always and I have made a promise to myself that will never happen again. Until someone puts a rock on my finger or truely has me on their team physcially as well as emotionally all these men can kiss my ass. Damn I sound so bitter and terrible... I prefer to use the words confident and sincere. Yea, that's more like it.

155 today.. 153 yesurday. Can you say yo yo? I saw my Mr. Dork last night. He is AWESOME!!! He isn't the greatest looking but damn his personality is freaking ridiculously wonderful and golden. I went to get my hair done yesterday and he met me at the beauty salon. I had all the foils in my hair and everything! He sat with me while I was under the dryer. He looked very comfortable and I even saw a handsome side to him. I know i am falling for him because he looked handsome to me. My hair lady asked where we were going for dinner and I looked at him and he said, "wherever she wants to go." He had me at that ladies. LOL When my hair lady was drying my hair she bent down and whispered, "I like him." So what if he's not 6'8 and black. He's my dorky white boy and I actually like this guy. I think I am going to just date him only. During dinner he busted out the pictures of his family. Can you say Hillbilly? I loved it! He told me he liked me and would like to persue things with me. We'll see how long this lasts but damn I feel like a teenager again. I have gone out on soooo many dates and this is the only guy I have really felt comfortable with. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to explain this to my friend Jamel.