I used to be thin, so I know what it feels like to be thin and feel great, and be admired.  I got pregnant and gained 65 pounds because of gestational diabetes and never lost the weight.  It just got worse with each subsequent chid.  It hurts to look at old photos and see how thin and beautiful I was.

Yeah, I hate the comments that are, "oh, she's cute for a 'big girl' ", or "you're not big enough to be worried about your weight" , or "you look nice for 'your size' "  What the hell does that mean?  Was that really a compliment?  No!  More like what we call a "back-handed compliment".      Is that supposed to make us feel better?  Well, for all of you poeple out there who have said it..........IT DOESN'T MAKE US FEEL GOOD SO STOP IT!!!!!!  *SIGH*  Man, I tell you.  Some people need a reality check - bad!

It's not fun being overweight.  I went from being overweight at 170 pounds to now being categorized as M.O.  Yeah, I take my kids to Six Flags and my big @$$ can't really fit in any of the older coasters because it's too wide and the seatbelt is barely able to snap closed.  What do I do when my kids want me to ride with them?  Tell them I just enjoy watching them ride, or do I try to squeeze into the seat that I KNOW is too small and pray that I don't embarass myself and my family doing so?  I hate going to the upscale mall because I feel like I don't fit in because I'm larger than most people there.  Oh yeah, don't let me get a cookie or something.........the looks I get!  I just want to scream out:  "yes I'm fat and I'm having a cookie!!!!!   WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"  Ok, so what most of you are a size two and have been all of your life, some people go through things!  Damn!  We are human too!  

...and don't get me started on the clothing stores.  Why do all of the larger sizes have to look like tents, moo moos, or have to be some kind of animal print.  Yeah, like me at 5'4" and 245 want to be wearing zebra or tiger print!!!  Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!  Do you see some of the stuff in the stores that they have for Plus Sized women.  Oh yeah.........and the new thing - silver pants?!?!?!  Who in their right mind wants to look like a bis @$$ ball of aluminum foil!?!?!?!?!    *big loud sigh*


OMG!!!!!!!!  Was this a rant????  Please excuse me.  LOL

Ok, yesterday I went to see the NUT and I was placed on a 1500 calorie meal plan.  I'm thinking that this is going to be hard, but the folks on OH have been so nice to suggest some things for me, so now I have a nice little grocery list. 

My NUT said that she would have her report sent over the the bariatric clinic by today and it's 11:31 and it still isn't there!!!!!  When I called the clinic, they said she usually takes 2 - 3 weeks!!!!  Are you kidding me?  Man, this is insane!  Dr. Santavicca (psych) had his report in their office in less than 24 hours!  Why would she take so long?

The bariatric clinic said they wouldn't even follow-up with her until it had been a week since my If she thinks I'm paying another $120 fee to see her before she sends in her report she better think again!  She wants me to follow-up in 4 weeks, but if it's another $120, I'm not sure that I will - especially knowing that I have to see her again in a group setting. *sigh*  Can't she just write up the report and send it over already!  She's holding me up man! 

I had the perfect plan:  Get the surgery scheduled for May 20th, be off that whole week.  The following Monday would be Memorial day - the office is closed, then i take a floating holiday the day after, and they stay out the remainder of the week.  I could be off for 10 days but only take off 7!!!  I had it all planned out, now I'm not sure if I can get it worked in - especially if she waits 2 - 3 weeks to get my report in!  WTF?!?!?!?
Why the heck would it take her 2 - 3 weeks to get her report in when all she has to do is fax it over.  She has an assisitant AND an a resident!!!!  I know she's booked up as far as appointments go, but dang!  Paperwork should be included in my appointment, and especially included for the $120 non-refundable - non-insurance covering office visit I paid!

 

Ok, well, I went to the nutrionist eval today and it went pretty good.  I was nowhere near as nervous as when I saw Dr. Davis or Dr. Santavicca.  Julie was pretty nice and I was able to speak freely and candidly with her without feeling silly, stupid, or vain.  I mean, there were some thing she was filling out for my chart/folder, and then another form for me to have a copy of.  SOrt of like a list of things that I need to do.  Wow, Life is already about to be different.

So, I am now on a 1500 calorie diet.  How about that!  Not sure how I will make it and what all I can eat now, but I'm sure that Ms. Winners steak biscuit is no longer on the menu!  I just looked it up, and that thing is 487 calories!!!!!!  Good Lord!  I had no idea.  Man, this sucks.  So many places I can't go, but this only opens up the door for more great fruits & veggies.  DH will just have to understand that we will have to do something else besides "eating" to celebrate.  I can't imagine trying to eat out anymore - and this is all just PRE-OP!!!  *sigh*

Anywho.......it will all be so worth it to see those pounds coming off.  I just have to make good choices so that I can reward myself with clothes or shoes, or lingerie (that's a reward for me and DH.  LOL)  I can't wait until I can stop buying the "granny panties".  It will be nice to clean out my underwear drawer and put some nice thing in there for a change.  I wonder if my shoe size will change?  I wasn't always a size 10.  I used to be a 9, but since the weight gain, I wear a larger size shoe.

Oh well, let me start my new life..........

I have 4 days until my nut eval on Tuesday.  I am kind of excited because after this, my paperwork goes to UHC for surgery approval.  I can hardly wait to get that call that says I am approved!!!!  

Well starting today, I had to enter my Food Intake Record.  That's right - that's when you have to write down everything you ate, what time, how hungry you were, how you were feeling, and how much you had.  Yeah, they want to see if you are an emotional eater, or if you eat when you aren't even hungry.  So far today I have been good.

  My husband wants to go out tonight, and I have chosen Rock Bottom Brewery.  It's going to be rough.  Lately I have been trying to eat smaller portions and chose better things to eat, but it will be hard tonight when we go out to dinner.  I'm going to be on my best behavior, and I will NOT be having dessert.

What am I actually going to do when I get this surgery date?  I think I am going to be happy, sad, excited and scared shitless all at the same time!  I have been watching the live surgeries over the internet, but that's different when it's me.  I hate the thought of having a huge tube down my throat.  I'm going to be scared to go into the OR, and I know it.  I'm nervous just thinking about it.   I'm going to have my family praying for me, so I know I will be ok.  part of me wishes I could just wake up in the morning and the surgery all ready be done.

Ok, I posted the dreaded "fat" picture of my self from last summer when we took a family trip to the West Coast.  I was at the top of the Stratosphere at nearly midnight!  Anyway, I was tanned - more like sunburned - and I was HUGE!!!!  I hate the picture, but I think it will help me in the long run to see how I have changed.  

I told someone today that I was 240 pounds and they didn't believe it.  Thank GOD that I don't look it, but I sure as hell feel it.  I almost didn't tell it, but damn it, I told it.  Maybe if I stopped hiding the facts I could jump-start my self into some real weight-loss.  I mean, I know Chubby men who weigh less than me!!!  Don't I weigh more than Mike Tyson?!?!?!?  I mean, really, I see pro football players who weigh less than me.  

Lord please help me to not kill myself by eating too much.  I seriously have a disease and it's not easy to cure.  A disease - an addiction even.  As I sit here at my desk, full as hell, I am wondering if I will go home and eat more food - even when I know I don't need anything else to eat!  I am going to pray th at I soon get some help.  Everyone, please pray for me to end this madness.