ObesityHelp

I've been busy since yesterday.

After I beat myself up in my blog about missing the OWLS meeting, I sent another e-mail - a much more coherent one. My BB is great for FB but I don't have the patience for an email, esp. if it does not go through. Argh! Wasted typing. Anyway, I hope I get an answer back.

Yesterday I accomplished my household special project goal for the household - I emptied and scrubbed down the old Litter Maid cat box. It was due for a good cleaning when I got back from PA - at that point the boys (DH and SS) had not cleaned it the whole time I was away, so it was pretty grotty. Then the day after I got back, Clay brought Lil into the house after feeding her outside while I was gone. Set up a temp 2nd cat box (non-self cleaning) but if it got too full, Lil would use the Litter Maid. Well... Lil's full name is Lil Stinker. Named because she does nopt always cover her poo well and it's, um, fragrant. So mix not covering well with the auto cat box and you get an ever worse mess. Clay got another auto cleaning box and then it took a while to set it up. So once I had the old box clean, we'd be up to 3 potties for 2 cats.

OK, I know I went on about that in way too much detail, but at my weight it is so hard to get stuff done. I still get out of breath when I bend over due to my fat squishing my lungs, but not as badly as 3 years ago. But it's not easy. Anyway, between gardening, watering and cat box scrubbing, I had a pretty busy day, esp. as hot as it was (101), and was proud of myself for getting stuff done.

It was hot enough in the house by 5:30 to motivate me to go swim even though I was tired. There weren't many people at the health club, and most that were there were at the outdoor pool. So I start my laps, one other guy swimming. After about 15 min or so, the guy had left and a bunch of girls (6-7) came in from the outdoor pool and started making a bunch of noise and were swimming back and forth across my lane right in front of me. I guess I was tired from all the work and just wanted a peaceful workout. After about 5 laps worth of this nonsense, I stop near them and ask them please not to do that. I pointed out that while it is free swim time in the lap pool, they are not to be in there if they are under 16 without a parent (they were probably ages 7-12) , since there is no lifeguard indoors. I said that I was more than willing to share the pool, but they should not interferre with lap swimmers. So they ask some teenager in the hot tub to be their adult and she agrees. Not the way it is supposed to work, but what the heck, I figure.

After about 5 more laps I have a kid swimming in my lane. 2 laps and he is still there and the girls have increased in number to about 10. Shrieking, which in the indoor pool reverbs something awful. I just lose it and order them out of the pool and say I'm calling the lifeguard to kick them out. They leave. Whew. The kid that was in my lane was actually swimming laps - he moved over to a lane that was now free and his Mom was there too. I have absolutely no problem with people who follow the rules, and I appologized for yelling at him as well.

Anyway, the point is that I was so pissed off that I just kept swimming to burn off the anger. I had been doing 40 and had cut back to 30-40 when I restarted the Medifast until I got used to it again. Well, I had intended on 40, but I swam 50.

I was so sore last night! I took my old friend Ibuprophen and went to bed early.

So this morning I was reflecting on yesterday. I did try very hard to be active and get stuff done, but is it worth it if I turn into a bitch (or Pool Nazi)? Is that what is inside me?

Lately I've been feeing unsettled and adrift. It seems like too much is going on at work, at home, my health, the economy. It is so hard to keep my focus on myself, my eyes on the prize. I'm a codependent, dammit, I feel the urge to spring into action. Why is it a struggle to turn that energy to my health?

I keep bouncing around about surgery. I like the DS, but it scares me. Sure, all surgeries have complications. But even the folks who are fairly compliant can fall into malnutrition. And the ones that aren't die. I know I don't want the RNY or crap band. Patterson now does the VSG.

I was signed up for the OWLS meeting this month - even got a confirmation email on my phone - but I spaced the date. It was yesterday - I thought it was Monday. Crap crap crap. I emailed asking if I could just apply as I was at an OWLS meeting 2 or more years ago. I made so many blotches on the app on the smoking section as I'd quit for a while, then start again that I finally threw it out. Plus I really wasn't excited about the RNY.

I guess what I have to do is try to allow the rest of the chaos in my life to flow around me. I can't change it. If I fight it, it erodes me, like a river rock. Maybe in need to learn to surf those waves instead of drowning.

I read a quote today on the DS forum. I think I will tape it to my mirror and make it the image on my phone screen.

"If you bring forth what is within you, 
    what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, 
    what you do not bring forth will destroy you." 
                            -Jesus, The Gospel of Thomas  

Finally got a call from Firehouse for my testing appointment. Monday, August 23rd.

The test is an Insulin Tolerance Test. It sounds fascinating, but a bit scarey.

From Wikipedia:

An insulin tolerance test (ITT) is a medical diagnostic procedure during which insulin is injected into a patient's vein to assess pituitary function, adrenal function, and sometimes for other purposes. An ITT is usually ordered and interpreted by endocrinologists.

Insulin injections are intended to induce hypoglycemia. In response, Adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) and Growth Hormone (GH) are released as a part of the stress mechanism. ACTH elevation causes the adrenal cortex to release cortisol. Normally, both cortisol and GH serve as Counterregulatory hormones, opposing the action of insulin, i.e. acting against the hypoglycemia.^[1]

Thus ITT is considered to be a Gold standard for assessing the integrity of the hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenal axis. Sometimes ITT is performed to assess the peak adrenal capacity, e.g. before surgery. It is assumed that the ability to respond to insulin induced hypoglycemia translates into appropriate cortisol rise in the stressful event of acute illness or major surgery.^[2]

This test is potentially very dangerous and must be undertaken with great care. A health professional must attend it at all times.

A week ago I had a appointment at Firehouse, a referral from my shrink because I'm so tired all the time. She thinks I need growth hormone. I think my metabolism is shot. I'm open to any line of inquiry. Many of my symptoms remind my much of diabetes, but I keep "passing" the glucose tolerance tests where you drink thick, sludgy stuff and they check you after a space of time.

As this was my 1st appointment, I spent an hour with Dr. Michaels going over my history. It was one of those places that asks you to bring all your meds in a bag. Well he never asked me for mine. I was curious and asked "Uh, why have me drag my meds (a ton, unfortunately) here and NOT ask to see them?" He laughed and said that I'd done such a good job on the new patient questionnaire that he didn't need to see them - that was for the disorganized/rushed patient (like my DH). Hilarious!

We talked quite a bit about WLS. Dr. Michaels is very easy to talk to and is the most open-minded doc that I've found that is knowledgeable about the pros and cons of the various surgeries. He also likes the DS, which no one in Oregon is doing right now. We talked about the consequences when a patient is not compliant with follow up and supplements. He even knew about Balthazar and Spain! I googled him and found that he was trained in South America, as well as US hospitals. We talked about thyroid, parathyroid, vitamin D, pituitary function - fascinating!

Our next step is some sort of IV metabolic test, probably in late July or early August. I go in fasting but hydrated and get hooked up to an IV. Then I get burst of stimuli to raise or lower blood sugars. Not sure exactly, but will research it more before the day.

The only downside is that the test needs to take place up a flight of stairs. After seeing that I weighed in at 394 (and had shrunk to 5'7"), he asked if I could get up the stairs, as Firehouse is located in an older part of Salem in an original building. I'm not sure if it was a firehouse, or that's just a practice name for an endocrinologist who wants to help me light the fires again - LOL! I was able to negotiate the stairs at O'Hare when I took the shuttle on the return from PA, and the stairs have a sturdy rail. I'm sure I can make it if I take my time. Plus he says that I should plan to take the rest of the day off, as I'll probably feel tired after the test, so I won't have to do the walking involved with going into the office.

Anyway, I really am interested in seeing where this takes me. Plus I think Dr. Michaels is sorta cute (in an older guy way) and great to talk to as he really understands the problems that my weight causes.

I'm almost afraid to say I feel hopeful.

While I'm waiting for this test, I'm back on Medifast. I was appalled to see my weight creeping back up after I got back from PA. I'd been tracking my weight in the 370-380s sporadically on the kitchen calendar (that's where my scale lives), and I came back to Oregon lighter than when I left - probably due to having the foresight to book myself into a motel with indoor pool big enough for daily laps.

Trying to up the number of times I get to the pool as well. Swam Wednesday and Friday, but it was very hot those days so easy to go ask I knew the cool water was such a blessed escape from the heat (100 degrees yesterday - Oregon got summer all at once!) So swimming is on today's agenda as well.

Trying to turn my focus back to me.

Finally flew east to see my Mom, who passed while I was there. Sad, but it was her time.

Now I feel lost.