Is anyone else struggling in this way? on July 18, 2007 11:39 pm
Well, it seems like a life time ago that I had my gastric bypass surgery. Five years. Alot of sweat, tears, clothing sizes, frustration, excitement, counseling, joy, hurt, new clothes, new hair styles, vitamins, tests, surgeries, treatments, compliments, doubts, fears, confidence and success. I tell my husband often that I feel like a walking science experiement. Like one day they are going to try something new and I'm just going to explode and they'll be like - well, I guess that didn't work. I've had no real problems or complications. My body no longer absorbs nutrients the way a "normal" body does and that can be very frustrating. I did have my gallbladder (sorry if I spelled it wrong) out about 2 1/2 years out from surgery. I have been very blessed with the ability to have a tummy tuck and a lower body lift. I am now waiting to have my inner thigh, arms and breasts done. It will take two more surgeries. My family is not real keen on it but I'm doing it!!!! People ask all the time - would you do it again? In a heart beat!!!! It is absolutely the BEST thing I ever did. Has it been easy? No way! It's been a very interesting journey to say the least. The reactions of people - especially friends - has sometimes been alarming. The pettiness and jealousy of some people is beyond understanding. I have lost friends who liked me better "fat" for whatever reason. I have had people be just down right hateful to me for having done it. Like they are angry that I succeeded. Whatever! Learning how to handle the new attention is a tough one. I'll admit to being looked at on the street or when we are out. It can be very un-nerving. I always check to see if there is like toilet paper on my shoes or a spot on my top or something in my teeth. Having never gotten that type attention - EVER - it's very strange. Yes - I still look in the mirror and see a fat person, even in a size two pair of jeans. I find that I am even more worried about my appearance than I was before. I'm having a difficult time settling for being just "normal". I remember when I set out on this journey I thought if I could just be a good solid size ten, maybe and eight if I'm lucky, that would be the end all!!! Now - nothing seems to be enough. I'm constantly looking forward to the next pound lost, the next jean size dropped, the next surgery. It's not a good thing at all. I that I am even more critical of myself than I have ever been. I have welcomed and, admittedly, looked for, the wrong type of attention from men. Don't get me wrong - I am married and I adore my husband!!!! He is the most fantastic man on the face of the earth. But just the thought of a man even looking my way is so completely foreign to me that it's almost exhilarating. Like a weird high. I'm becoming more aware of these feelings lately and trying to off set them and push them aside and fall back into reality. It's not such an easy thing to do. Tell me, please, is anyone else out there struggling with this? Would anyone else be willing to admit to thoughts of affairs or desires for attention you know is wrong. Not because you are unsatisfied with your life or your spouse, because it's just such a thrill. To know that you can actually cause a head to turn. I know I must sound so incrediblly shallow and sometimes I wonder myself. But I am just trying to finally be honest about it all and see if anyone else, if you could look inside and be honest with yourself, is in the same place. If you are, I would love to hear from you. I guess misery loves company or something like that. I just really want to know that I'm not the ONLY one!!!
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