My teenaged daughter is being HORRID tonight.  It sucks because she is a computer gamer, but I don't know why since she ALWAYS gets pissed off when she plays.  She's 17 going on 12.  
  If I mention it, she gets all irritated and says stuff like "Why do you think it's going to improve my mood when you can CLEARLY see that I am irritated and you make a rude comment?!"  I have tried asking her how to constructively tell her that she is taking out her gaming frustrations on me or her boyfriend when we are clearly not at fault... we walk on eggshells around her all the time.  She gets pissed and stops talking to me.  (In this case, a MAJOR improvement).  

  I know it's stupid of me to rant about it, but today, I am especially unhappy with my thinner self.  I wanted to be thin more than anything when I was bigger.  Now I am thinner.  I wish I could have stopped losing about 25 lbs ago.  
  I HATE my excess skin, but not nearly as much as I hate the lack of curves and lack of boobs.  (Dear Boobs, COME BACK!! I'M SORRY!  Love, Sam).  I can fit into smaller clothes, but they don't look as good as they did before.  I have been trying to gain weight.. eating WAY too much crap food, but it's not helping.  Sometimes I can get as high as 147 and then the scale drops again.  I started going to the gym a while back in hopes that I could build some muscle.. I thought it would help .. now my legs are rock hard, but I still look like a Q-tip that has started to melt.  Really, I guess it's not the excess skin as much as the COMPLETELY flat ass (so flat that even the most padded underwear still doesn't help) and the flaps of skin that used to be my boobs.  I don't even mind the boobs so much when I am naked, but clothes all hang wrong.  



BLAH!  I need to figure something else out .. some way to accept myself as I am and like it.  Therapy is kind of out of the question as I have no medical (writing blogs IS my therapy).  

Ok.  I am done.  I am going to go find something to occupy my mind for a bit.  

until I get to see the beautiful man I love.  I only get to see him for two days, and then it will be another FIVE MONTHS before we can see each other again.  What did we get ourselves into?  It's been  almost 6 weeks since he left for basic training.  It's not the first time I have been through this, I was married to a Marine, but I thought that since I am older and a little more grounded now that it wouldn't be such a big deal.. I would just go on with my life for a few weeks knowing that we love each other and that we'd see each other soon.  HA!  I feel like a teenaged girl.  No patience at all.  Every day feels like an eternity.  I miss him so much... it's like the world has lost all color, almost.  I go through the motions of life, but I am unable to get into anything, really.. I am always just..... waiting.  
  In the meantime, I have started going to the gym and the weight seems to be dropping off again.  That should be thrilling, right?  No.  I am trying to gain some weight back.  I am down to the 130s now.  (The high 130s, but still).  I wanted to be like 165 before I saw him again.  I think I look best at that weight.  Well, THAT'S not gonna happen.  
  I have about a million issues, far too many to blog about.  I just need a release of some sort.  Too much stress and not enough ways to deal with it.  Ugh.

He's been gone 36 days.  I miss him.  Some days I feel like I am going insane.. like the minutes are dragging by... the days suddenly longer. How am I going to get through this?  We are only halfway through basic.. I only get to see him for 2 days and then ... there will be another FIVE MONTHS. I was sure that after the first couple of weeks that it would get easier, but it hasn't.  If anything.. it seems to be getting harder.  Ugh.  

There is so much to catch up on and so much more to write... but, I have to go to sleep.   

   I have had a hellish couple of weeks.  I got a new job that I started January 9th.  I'm happy to be working, but I ended up with a job that is 10 hours a day, six days a week.  That wouldn't be SO bad, but it's an hour and 45 minutes each way to work, so I am actually gone like 13.5 hours per day.  Even that wouldn't be so bad if it paid well.  It doesn't.  They wanted me to start off at $9 an hour.  Um.  No.  Seriously, not only do all of my daughters make more than that, but it would barely cover my fuel costs.  (I spend about $600 a month on gas now.. and prices are rising).  I met with the owner and he liked me, so he offered me $32k a year to start with a raise up to $36 a year (plus bonuses) after three months.  Still MUCH less than I am used to making.  It works out to $10.09 an hour for the first three months.  Ugh.  Better than nothing, though.  I HATE that I don't have time to see my family, house or dogs.  It sucks.  And I can't look for another job, because my only day off is Sunday.. and I work during the hours that anyone interviews.  *sigh*
  The Cowboy left for basic training a week ago.  That sucks, too.  I miss him TERRIBLY.  The day after he left, I found out that he had been messaging some girl over Facebook.  They weren't sexual, but they were definately flirty.  They stopped messaging when he gave her his number.  She's two years younger than he is, divorced and military ( I am 9 years older than he is.. I just turned 40 on January 29th).  She doesn't live around here, but it doesn't matter.  I was crushed. 
  THEN, I found that right before he left, we got a 48 hour notice from PG&E saying that our power was to be shut off on the 6th.. that was two days BEFORE I found the notice.  Also, we got a letter from our lender saying that if we didn't catch up on our house payments, he was going to foreclose.  Then came the collections call from the car loan lender.  THEN, I checked the mail... there was a notice from Napa County saying that The Cowboy's accounts had been frozen because he was behind on his child support.  It's a mix up.  He is NOT behind on child support.  His ex moved to a different county where she was collecting welfare and he had been paying that county.  Then she moved back to Napa County.. they don't know he has paid Solano County.  My name isn't listed anywhere on anything to do with that stuff, so there isn't anything I can do about it.  I had a complete meltdown.  I feel alone and scared that I will lose everything.  I'm already burnt out on work, but have no choice but to keep going (and I KNOW I am lucky as hell to even HAVE a job!).  
  Thank God my dad was willing to give me an advance on my tax return.   He gave me $3500 and then I got paid on Friday. I paid the back house payments, the PG&E, the water, the internet, the Jeep payment (last one), the car payment, got propane, paid Rent a Center, the car insurance, the home owners insurance, the garbage service and filled my gas tank.  I also got the puppies crates and bought some food.  I am once again broke, but I have paid most all of the bills.  I still have property tax, sewer, another car payment, the latest PG&E bill (just got it today) and phone.  I will pay what I can next payday. 
  I had my one phone call with The Cowboy.. told him about his accounts and confronted him about the other lady.  It's better, but I still don't know if I can trust him and I don't want to live like that.  I never want to be the paranoid girl that is constantly wondering where her guy is or if he is doing something wrong.  I HATE girls like that.  I hate girls that check their man's wallets or look through their pockets or check their phone messages or whatever.  I am afraid that I might become that girl.  If that's the case.. I'm out.  I found the messages in the first place because I was updating his Facebook status to let his friends know that he had arrived in GA safely.  (He gave me permission to do so.. I have always had running permission to do all of the things I listed above, but I just didn't want to.)  
  Other things have happened this week that sucked, but that's the highlights.  Ok, so finally Sunday came and I got my day off.  I NEEDED a day off.  then my graveyard guy called in sick.  Now I am stuck going in at 2am to cover the last part of his shift.  Which means that as soon as I am done with this blog, I have to take my shower and go to bed so I can get up at midnight to get there on time.  It sucks, because the graveyard guy had asked me if I could give him tonight off and I told him that any other night I might be able to swing it, but that Sunday was my ONE day off and I couldn't work it.  I guess he decided he didn't care and so here we are.  I had scheduled myself to go in at 8am on Monday (the latest I am allowed to start my shift) so that I could have a decently long day off.... so much for that.  
  As far as my weight goes, I seem to be hovering around 150ish.  (148 to 150).  That's about 8 lbs more than I was averaging a month or two ago, but for some reason it ended up being like TWO pants sizes.  I was in a four... now my size 6's are getting a bit snug.  I would complain (and it IS scary watching the number on the scale rise), but I have to remind myself that I WANTED to gain a little back.  I WANTED to get back up to like 165 or so.  I guess my concern is that I am gaining it badly...like getting fatter instead of curvier.  (Does that make sense?).  I would like to gain it in my hips, butt, thighs and boobs.  I am terrified of gaining it all back in my stomach.  Really, anywhere BESIDES my stomach would be fine.  Curves = good. Being a barrel shape with skinny legs = My biggest weight related nightmare.  Not sure when I can work out, though.  I could try joining a gym near my work, but I am not willing to add another monthly bill to my already large pile.  I bought a "door gym" for $6.99 at Ross.  It's like this thing that hooks to your door and has elastic workout bands with handles.  I also picked up ankle weights.  I figure the ankle weights will help build up my lower body a little if I wear them while I work and the "door gym" can be hooked to my office door and I can use it during my lunch break.  
  If anyone reads this, please send me some happy thoughts.  I could really use them.  

  No guesses?  Well, I suddenly came across my ability to EAT.  Not like "Eating no longer makes me sick which is great because I am so tired of protein shakes", but "Wow.. I think I want to down that ENTIRE hotdog.. bun and all.".   Ugh.  I mean, on one hand, it's nice to be able to eat enough that I don't look like a freak at a family dinner (where EVERYONE watches to see how little I can eat so they can talk about it later), but on the other hand.. here comes the weight struggle.   
  I am actually TRYING to gain another 10 lbs or so.   I am wearing a size 4/6 and I want to get back in to an 8.  I haven't weighed in a couple of days, but I believe that I am back up around 148ish.  It is SO HARD to not freak out when I see the scale slowly go up.  I keep having to remind myself that I WANT this.   It's not that I look too thin.. when I am dressed, I just look slender, but not freakish in any way.  I HATE that I have no curves anymore, though.  Between that, making the mistake of getting my hair cut short and the new wrinkles on my face (and I'm sure turning 40 isn't helping), I feel less sexy than I ever have in my life.  I am hoping that another 7 to 10 lbs will fill me out a bit.  My fear?  That I will be unable to control the weight gain or that I will only gain the AMOUNT I want, but I will gain it all in my stomach only.  I need to fill out my face a bit and, with any luck, my butt, hips and thighs.  

  Ok.  So here is what is currently going on in my life.  1. My SO is about to ship off for Basic training in a couple of weeks.  He's going in the Army and I can't go because we aren't actually married.  I have to get my divorce and i haven't been able to afford it because I wasn't working.  2. I am now working.  I am thrilled to have a job, but it's a two hour commute each way and the job requires 10 hours a day, six days a week.  I am NEVER home.  I get up at like 3am, get ready, leave... get home around five pm and I am only up for about an hour or two before I have to go back to sleep.  It's enough time to hit the store on the way home to get dinner and maybe take a shower.  My only day off is Sunday.  3. Because I am gone ALL THE TIME now, I think I have to get rid of my fur babies.  This is BREAKING MY HEART.   I have two puppies (about 6 months old) and a 4 year old dog.  In the ONE week I have been working, the puppies have completely unhousebroken.  If I leave them crated, they are stuck in cages for like the ENTIRE DAY.. if not, they eat the furniture and go to the bathroom EVERYWHERE.  Then, even when I am home, I have to sleep and they are so wound up from being caged all day that they can't.  So, they are pretty much just unattended and they eat the furniture and poop everywhere.  My older dog has developed kid aggression.  I am pretty sure this is due to my evil step son.. he's two and violent and I have gotten into it with him in the past for just randomly hitting or kicking the dogs.  Yesterday, Panda (the 4 year old dog) attacked a neighbor kid that was here playing with my step kids. The kids and dogs had all been playing peacefully for over an hour.. and he just snapped.  He didn't break skin, but he left a bruise.  Right after Steve pulled him off the neighbor kid, he immediately bolted over and bit my 6 year old step daughter.  She was just standing there.  He also attacked my male puppy and bit his face.. this time he did break skin.  Then, this morning, he bit my two year old step son.    I hate my life right now.  I LOVE my dogs.. my heart is breaking for them.  The puppies will find homes, I'm sure, but Panda will most likely have to be put down.  He was a rescue dog and was horribly vicious when I got him.  It took years to get him to a point where he was able to be around other people and dogs.  (He has never been fully trustworthy around other dogs.. before we rescued him, he was used as a fighting dog.. TERRIBLY abused).  He was doing great.. but, now he's suddenly going back to violence.  I even considered quitting my job to stop this from happening, but it took me a year to find work.. and we are so close to losing everything already.  I can't do it.  I still have a child at home to support.  We are so far behind on all of our bills, that even a couple of weeks more without an income will cost us everything.  The reason Steve joined the Army is because he works in construction and has only worked part time all year.  Buying a house was always a dream.. but, now I wish we hadn't done it.  Steve is leaving.  I have no friends up here on the mountain.  There is no work up here, so ANY job will require a major commute.  I will be left alone with a 17 year old that I won't ever even get to see... no friends, no life... a TON of past due bills... and who knows if our relationship will survive the seperation along with all the stress.  He's CERTAIN that we'll now be able to afford my divorce and I'll be able to move with him and that we'll live happily ever after... but, I am more of a realist.   
  I just don't know if I can handle all of this.  I really don't.  I am losing Steve (the LOVE of my life), my puppies (who are a big part of my family) and ... well, it just feels like I am losing EVERYTHING.  I miss my daughter already.. I have seen her for maybe an hour this whole week.  
  My 40th birthday is coming up on the 29th.  I have no issues with the idea of turning 40... I always assumed that my 40s would be my best decade.  (Like maybe I would suddenly turn into Diane Lane or Jessica Lange.. women who made the forties look like the place to be!  Seriously, Jessica Lange is STILL smoking hot and she's going on 63 now)  This is NOT where I was planning to be at this stage in my life, though.  

Ugh.

There are a few things that drive me batty since having my WLS.  I am sure I was even guilty of a few of these things at some point, but now.. well, they make me wanna poke someone in the eye. 

1. "You need to stop losing weight.  You look anorexic." - Like hell I do.  This only comes from people who knew me when I was big.  I understand that I look different now, but come on.   I am 5'5"ish (as in just a hair under) and I weigh 142 - 147.  That means that on good days my BMI is a TINY bit under the "moderately overweight" category.  I am a size 4.  Smaller than I would have ever dreamed, but HARDLY anorexic.  My parents are the worst offenders.  My mom USED to show me off all the time (even to complete strangers), as in "doesn't she look great?? She used to be HUGE!" .. that was until I got down to a smaller size than she is.  She's in a 10 (which is great).  The moment I hit size 8, she started with the mean comments.  Then my father joined in.  They went as far as to travel the 2 hours to my house so that they could spend $300 on my pre-op favorites: frozen pizza, pizza rolls, burritos, has browns, biscuits, chips, crackers, etc.  Keep in mind that they would NEVER eat this crap themselves.  *sigh*  

2. "How did you lose all that weight?  OH.. you had surgery??  Wow.. I know someone who had that and they did great for a while, but then they gained it all back." or "You know my mom's friend had that surgery and she could only drink shakes, she threw up all the time and finally she died."   Of COURSE they gained it all back.. they went back to eating crap.  It's not a magic pill.  It requires more than just a few days in the hospital and a check up now and then.  I am not that person.. I am also not your mom's friend.  I am doing great, thanks.  I will never understand why the FIRST thing most people have to say is how they know someone that failed.. and implying that you will also fail.  *Ugh*.  Don't you worry your pretty little head, Lovely..  I GOT this.  

3. "I had surgery two years ago.  I have gained it all back and then some. I don't exercise, I snack on carbs and pretty much eat all day long.   Also, since I don't dump, I drink Cherry Coke to stay hydrated.   Do you guys think my surgery failed me?  Do you think I can get a revision?  If not, can someone tell me how to get the weight back off??"   Really?  I am not sure if you are coming to the boards for support or verbal abuse so that you can feel better about your bad decisions.  Please, if you haven't had surgery or if you are a new pre-op... RESEARCH your surgery.  Find out what the life changes are.  Find out what vitamins you have to take.  REALIZE that you have to EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE just like a "normal" person.  Even if you can only eat 5 bites of pizza, if you do it every 30 minutes.. you are over eating (bad foods) and WILL gain weight.  Do I know everything?? Hell no.  Do I eat pizza?  Sometimes.   *sigh*

4. "This surgery will kill all of you.  I had it and no one told me that I had to take my vitamins, so now I am sick with broken bones, no teeth, anemia and I have shingles, rickets, berry-berry, and nerve damage."   Again, I have to wonder how you could do something SO DRASTIC to your body without checking it out first.  Read a damn book.  Attend support groups.  Clearly, if you are posting here you can use the internet.. read about your surgery.  Don't take Flinstones or gummys.  Tums is NOT a good calcium choice.  Don't just follow the same rules that your friend Susie followed (besides, isn't she the one that gained it all back??).  Don't post terrifying "This will happen to you" crap that could scare the hell out of a newbie.  If they are on this site, hopefully they are doing the research.  

5. "I had surgery two days ago and I haven't lost all my weight and I feel like crap.  What am I doing wrong?" Or "I am three weeks out and I have only lost 27 lbs and now I haven't lost any weight in like 3 days.  Am I DONE??  Did I fail this surgery??  Please help me, I am freaking out!!".    Get real, people.  Aren't you adults?  I know that surgery and the rapid weight loss wreaks havoc on your hormones/moods, but REALLY?!?!  Did you lose ALL of your common sense?  You just had major surgery, you are going to feel like shit for a while.  If it still hurts an hour after you stub your toe and you think that's normal, then why the hell would you think that 1 or 2 days (or even 3 or 4 weeks, in some cases) is enough to heal from major, major surgery?!?   Also, I have to know.. did you magically gain all of your weight in 2 weeks?  No?  Then why in the world would you think that you could LOSE it all in two weeks?  Or even 3 months?!  These types of posts annoy me for two reasons:  1. They are posted 19038238971289 times a day.  If you ever read the boards.. EVER... you would have known that stalls happen and that recovery isn't always a cake walk.  2. It's almost always posted like 2 posts above someone else who just said the same thing.  When I stalled, I never said a word about it because I had already read 2349839483 of these kinds of posts and knew it would happen.  Also, when was the last time that you lost like 27 pounds in less than a month?  *sigh* Relax.  Enjoy the journey.

6. "If you didn't have the same surgery that *I* did, then you're stupid."  Surgery wars are stupid.  Period.  I had RNY.  I CHOSE RNY.  I knew that I would have to eat differently.  I knew that I would have to take vitamins.  I knew that there was the possibility of regain.  I chose it anyway, because it was the surgery that I thought best for me.  I know people who have had great success with the LapBand.  No, really.  Several years out and they still look and feel great.  My former assistant had the VSG.  She's doing great at two years out.  The DS seems to be a great choice for a lot of people.  I don't really KNOW anyone who has had it, but from what I have read it seems to be a great choice (a choice that I MAY have made had I had that option with my insurance.. but, maybe not. I kind of went back and forth with it and chose what I thought best) .  My point is.. there is not one surgery that is right for everyone.  I COMPLETELY agree that you should do the research and then push for the surgery that will suit you best, but don't push ME to get the surgery that you think best.  

7. "I am starting the new 'eat only cabbage before 3 pm then take diet pills and eat fatty foods every other Wednesday' diet.  I can't wait.  I am supposed to lose 25 lbs in only 12 weeks!  You wouldn't understand how hard this is.. MY diet takes discipline.  I didn't take the easy way out like you did."  Ok.. this is quote based on (but not exactly the same as, obviously) a conversation I had with my 22 year old daughter on Thanksgiving.  We were eating dinner at a restaurant.  She ordered the usual Thanksgiving day fare... turkey, mashed potatoes, bread, stuffing, cranberry jelly.  Apparently, the first week of her "diet" she was supposed to eat fatty, high carb foods and then take some drops that trick her body into thinking that she's pregnant or something.  *I* ordered a baked chicken breast with broccoli.  I ate less than half and gave her the rest to take home for her sister.  Where in the world did she get the idea that I don't have to use self discipline or that my surgery is EASY?!?!  I have certainly never implied that.  It seems to be a common misconception.  At least with "normal" people, I kind of understand this.  It isn't their job to understand my surgery.  I am sure that it SEEMS like this is effortless.  That doesn't mean it doesn't bother me a bit when people discount my achievements and hard work.  I believe this is MY issue, though and not theirs.  

8. "I need to loose 35 more pounds, but I am not loosing it fast enough."  The word you are looking for is LOSE.  You LOSE your keys.  You LOSE weight.  You have LOOSE skin.  Most spelling errors don't bug me much, but this one just irks me.  It especially drives me nutty when they get replies with the correct spelling and then continue to reply with the wrong word/spelling.  Alright, I admit it.. this one probably just makes me a bitch.  My apologies, but I can't help it.. it bugs me.  


9. Last, but not least... I hate that I have become so AWARE of what other people are eating.  I am NOT a registered dietitian (or really ANY sort of authority or expert), so why do I now feel the need to police people's food choices?!?  What the hell is wrong with me?  I have gotten better, but when people I care about are complaining about their weight while they are eating a plate of lasagna, a side of garlic fries, an order of bread sticks, a side of loaded mashed potatoes and drinking a Coke (an ACTUAL order of someone I was eating with), I have a hell of a time holding my tongue. Did I not spend 37 years making terrible food choices??  Was that not my decision to make?!?  Who am I to judge anyone on anything, really?   I suck.  

Ok, now that I have made myself sound like a TOTAL asshole, I will stop.  If you have read this far and don't think me a bad person.. well, thank you.  I think that alone proves that you are a better person than I.  

On a completely different set of topics: I found my Jeep keys after DAYS of looking.  YAY!  Also, my puppies MIGHT finally be getting the idea that it's not okay to poop in the house.  YAY again!   I went for a walk today.  I haven't gotten hardly any exercise for ... well, months, really.  I know, I know.. after all of my ranting, I have turned out to be one of those VERY people I was ranting about.  Anyway, because I couldn't find the Jeep keys, I couldn't pick up my daughter from school.  (Don't freak out.. she's 17 years old).  That meant that she had to walk home and it's a LONG walk.  I started walking so that I could meet her halfway so she wouldn't have to walk so far alone.  (I felt TERRIBLE that I couldn't pick her up.  Seriously.. I cried.  Lame, I know.)  Anyway, we met at the halfway point and had lunch together (she got out early today).  It was GREAT!  And, I got a 4 mile walk in... over LOTS of hills.   My 22 year old gave me a bike.  I am SO excited!! It's a beautiful mint green cruiser with cream accents and a BIG comfortable seat.  It even has a headlight.  I haven't ridden a bike in like... 10 years or more?  I haven't taken it out yet, because I was HOPING to do it when Steve could go running.  I am terrified of looking stupid for one thing and I have terrible social anxiety that makes me unconfortable doing things alone or in large crowds.  I am most comfortable doing stuff with 1 other person.. my wonderful mate (The Cowboy) or one of my lovely daughters (I have 4 to choose from, but three of them are grown and moved out).  I just KNOW that if I can get myself to just get out there and get on it, that I will have a blast.  I am encouraged by my walk today and I am DETERMINED to do it tomorrow.  Even if it's just a slow ride around the block.  

Wish me luck!  Happy holidays to everyone.. I hope you are all having a holiday season filled with joy, love, laughter and happiness.  

.. that it is my issue.  I am NOT their mother and everyone has a right to raise their children the way that they see fit.  I need to be mature enough to step back and just accept that.  Agree to disagree, if you will.  

Now, I just need to decide what I need to do to deal with MY issues.  How can I go hang out with them and NOT get frustrated?  How can I make this easier on the kids and on The Cowboy?  

I'm working on it.  Suggestions are welcome.