Ok.  So, I have been waiting and anticipating that 20 bounceback I keep hearing about.  I am over two years out now.. where is it??  Since I can't count on that, I have been making an EFFORT to put on a few pounds.  It's not working.  So, I figured that I'd just eat a bit crappier (as opposed to a bit MORE, which wasn't working).  I lived all week last week on a diet of  pizza and coffee with heavy cream and, at one point, a bacon cheeseburger (which was FANTASTIC and I managed to eat almost all of it once I removed the top bun, but it took forever).  I actually lost a couple more pounds (Despite the fact that my period just started this morning).  WTF?!?  Also, eating crap all week doesn't do much for your energy.  I could probably live the rest of the year without even SEEING a slice of pizza.  The cream in the coffee?   Yeah, that's staying.  

  Tonight, I had a quarter cup of refried beans with an ounce of shredded chicken breast and a little taco seasoning.  I ate about half of it and now I am working on getting all three liters of my decaf iced tea (with Stevia) down before bed.  

  So, it seems that when I eat more calories, I lose a bit.  Where is the logic there?  This isn't just a conclusion I pulled out of my ass from last week's little fast food frenzy.  I WAS stable at 142 - 147, but I wasn't eating enough.  I was getting 400 - 600 calories or so a day.  I added extra calories where I could and have continued to slowly drop weight.  I stopped at about 137, but after eating what must have been well over 1000 calories a day (I REALLY should have kept track), I am now at 134.  Not underweight, by any means.. but, I want to be back up at like 160.   

  I tried like hell to get a picture that accurately shows the BIZARRE color scheme of my hair.  No luck.  Bummer.  It probably would have brought a snicker to your lips.  
  I DO have roots showing now, though.  They aren't very long, but they are there.  They are also gray, but WHATEVER.  The MASSIVE amount of conditioning that I have been doing is sort of paying off.  I understand that hair is dead.. it doesn't "heal", but, with enough conditioning, you can kind of make each strand sort of stick together better creating the ILLUSION that it's getting better.  My hair doesn't ever get that "healthy hair shine", but it feels very soft to the touch and it doesn't look QUITE as frizzy/burnt.  
  Enough about my hair.  

  I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  Tomorrow isn't a horrible day as far as work goes, but I still just don't want to go.  *insert foot stomping and arm crossing here*.  

 So, my oldest daughter turned 24 last Thursday.  I drove down the mountain to see her yesterday.  I met up with her, Pie (my third oldest who will be 21 in less than three months) and my mother.  My second oldest daughter and youngest daughter were unavailable.  =[  We met at Starbucks and played Apples to Apples.  Then we went shopping.  I got Kassie (my oldest) a Polaroid MP3 player that is also a camera/video camera and a video player.  It was pretty nifty.  Big screen.. it looked a bit like a small tablet.   Hopefully she likes it.    Then she went home to get ready for her "big date".  She and her fiance celebrated 4 years together.  Romantic dinner and a hotel room.  I hung out with Pie (a nickname.. NO, I didn't actually name my child "Pie") a bit longer.  We grabbed pizza for dinner (don't judge.. it was OLD CHICAGO pizza and I only ate a little bit.  Besides, I am not terribly concerned about my weight at this point).   Then we went and saw the late showing of Magic Mike.  It was the second time for both of us.   Pie thinks that Channing Tatum is the sexiest man EVER.  I agree, but his build is SO MUCH like The Cowboy's that it has the double effect on me of 1. making me miss The Cowboy more than ever and 2. it was "familiar" and therefore not as exciting as, say, the guy who used to be in CSI Miami.  OMG!  His body was.... wow.  When did that happen?  Was it always like that?!?!  
  I need to get my work out on.  Seriously, I am a hot mess.  My job is VERY physical, but I need more.  I have completely stopped working out on my own.  I have a yoga DVD that I would like to try, but it never seems to be the right time to start.  Probably the biggest turn off is the damn heat.  I *hate* the heat.  The only good thing about it is that everyone walks around with less clothes and therefore, more eye candy for me!!  When I was big, I DETESTED the heat.  I always thought that I would lose weight and suddenly become a beach bunny or something.  HA!  No.  I just want to find a tanning bed/refrigerator and climb in naked.  No kidding.. I am the whitest girl you could imagine and a bit of a tan wouldn't kill me.  

  So, if you have read any of my other blogs, you probably know that I am attempting to gain a little weight.  You probably ALSO know that when the scale moves in that direction, even the SMALLEST amount, I panic.  So, if that makes sense to you, then you will understand the thrill/disappointment that came the other day when I borrowed a pair of pants from a TINY friend of mine.  They were a size 5 junior.  I also tried on (and fit into) her son's 28/28 skinny jeans (which were in her closet and she handed them to me by mistake.  They were a little tight, though).  I wouldn't even have tried her pants on, but for a small miscommunication.  She asked what size I wear.  I told her a 4.  (I DO wear a four.. but in Ladies.. not Juniors.  In Juniors, I wear like a seven).  

  I guess I should probably go to bed.  It's already 10:42 and I have rambled enough for a while.  

   As you can see from my avatar (at the time of this writing, anyway) my hair was dark brown and shoulder length.  Not too bad, although I would have liked it longer.  BWAHAHA!!  Keep that in mind while you read this.  

  I decided to go blond.  Yup.  Did I go to a salon?  Nope.  I was blond until I was about 23 when I stopped bleaching my hair and decided to go darker.  (It drives my mother nuts.. she HATES me with dark hair and loved me blond).  Ok.  Soooo... I run out and buy bleach.  I got it at Sally's.  I got the good stuff.  (Remember.. not only did I do this to my hair for YEARS, but I have four daughters in their 20s and they have all had me do their hair at one point or another as well).  I bleached.  I got the expected orange color.  I DEEP conditioned.  I toned with a blue toner to help with the orange.. and then a couple of days later I BLEACHED AGAIN!  Stop shaking your head.  I have learned my lesson.  Well, not at THAT point, I didn't.  
  Ok, so at this point, my hair is pretty darn crispy.  Not good.  Two hundred dollars on cholesterol treatments, protein treatments, deep conditioners, masks, different oils and stuff later, I realize that I'm just dumb and go to a stylist to get it cut.  *sob* .  She advises me to tone, tone, tone.. but, no more bleach.  (smart lady).  I get a chin length a-line cut and get to work with the toner that she suggested.  Also, I am now using lavender shampoo.  It's getting ashy... and it's a pale lemon yellow with orange streaks/tips.  Damn.  This goes on for a week or two.  I freak out and go to Sally's.  Here is where things go from wrong to TERRIBLY wrong.  The girl working there tells me that I can't get the orange out by toning.  Simply not gonna happen.  She says I have to bleach again.  She advises me to use a lower level of toner (20 instead of 30) and a different brand of bleach that includes a toner to remove brassiness.  
  Yup.  I did it.  My hair turned white at the roots, pale yellow down part of the shaft, orange at the tips .. and still had orange streaks.  They were LIGHTER orange... but, still orange.  Only NOW... instead of being crunchy.. my hair is GUM.  If you grab a chunk of my hair and squeeze and then let go, it sticks together.  Still holding the shape of your fist.  If you try EVER SO GENTLY to comb it out (with a WIDE toothed comb while it is SATURATED in conditioner, of course), it stretches.  a lot.  OMG!  
  I condition.  I cry.  I research.  I condition some more with pretty much everything you can think of and everything suggested on the Internet.  I sleep with conditioners in my hair.  I hot oil treat.  I mask.  I leave in.  I wrap in a warm towel while goo sits in my hair.  I mayonnaise.  I EVOO.  I found overnight repair treatments.  I use them.  EVERY NIGHT.  It sort of starts to improve.. a little.  Enough that I decide that I am simply NEVER going to go blond again and I just need to go back to whatever my natural shade is and leave it alone.. grey hair be damned!!!  I pick out a neutral light brown.  I don't want any more brassy tones and I don't want any more ash tones.  I just wanna quit messing with it.  
  I (with much worry and some tears) prepare the dye.  Fast forward 25 minutes or so, and I am in the shower washing it out.  I can't see my hair as it is now too short for me to see without a mirror.  I condition some more.  I get out.  I walk to the mirror hoping for relief... only to find that the dye didn't stick.  It sort of slid off my poor, damaged hair and left a grayish-silverish-greenish film.. with orange streaks.  OMG! OMG!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!  What am I going to do now?!?!?!  And the condition of my hair?  Don't ask.  I fully expected (and, at this point, deserved) for it to all fall out.  Not leaving me BALD, of course.. because then I could have maybe rocked a scarf.  No.. I expected it would fall out in patches and chunks leaving me with spiky little hairs in some places.  It was back to gum.. only now it was moldy ash colored gum.   
  I had to go to work like that.  It wasn't pretty.  After work, I RAN to the stylist.  I got the lecture (well deserved).  And ANOTHER hair cut.  This time HUGELY layered and jaw length.  That is horrible enough.  This was a different stylist.  A more expensive one.  She likes to experiment on her hair, too.. so, she understood.  She told me to get a certain brand and color of dye.  Nothing expensive.. just store bought.  She said it had the most chance of working, but no promises.  
  Really?!?!  I had to dye it AGAIN!?!?!?  That's it.  I'm going bald.  With tears in my eyes, I prepared the dye.  I put it in.  I waited and cried.  The color was bright black (aka Starry Night) by Feria.  I washed it out and sobbed before looking in the mirror. It worked!  My hair was now... blue.  Well, blue-purple-DARK black.  Imagine a black light, sort of.  Like the hair was DARK black, but gave off a blue-purple glow.  I'm 40.  Blue is good for 15 and good for 75... blue is not good for frumpy 40 year old moms.  
  That's where I am right now.  Well, almost.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  The blue has faded a LITTLE, but now, the color is actually washing out of my hair.  I have several strands in the front (where the damage was the worst) that are grayish-silverish-greenish.  About 20 strands on each side.  And my hair is super short with a terrible cut and burnt (but MASSIVE amounts of conditioning is helping a LITTLE).  I look like a circus freak.  It's all bad.  
  I'd post a picture, but I value your eyes and my camera.  

  I am the most screwed up person I know.  (There's the Egomaniac).  
  I just read (and replied to) a forum post about not feeling good enough, no matter how hard you try.  I have social anxiety.  Whatever.  Lots of people have social anxiety.  Honestly, I often feel that I could spend a majority of the rest of my life on a desert island with only The Cowboy and a computer to keep in contact with the outside world.  Sure, I would miss seeing my kids, but they are grown now and require very little of me.  I have one left at home.. she's 17 and wrapped up in her life.  We're all close, but... distant, too.  I always place a distance between me and other people.  Like, when we're together, it's great..but, I never go out of my way to see (or talk to) anyone.  I'm like a hermit.  
  One of the few people that understands me is my cousin.  She knows that I tend to withdraw from the outside world and makes a valiant effort to make sure that we keep in contact.  Sometimes it's months in between phone calls, and when we DO talk, we pick right back up where we left off like no time passed.   I'm like that with just about everyone.  I HATE that about myself.  I dream of being "normal".  I dream of having friends and hosting BBQs and camping and stuff like I see other people doing.. but, I can't seem to get the hang of it.  
  I need therapy.  Badly.  I can't afford it right now, but come September (when The Cowboy and I get married), I will have medical insurance and plan to make therapy a number 1 priority.  I'm 40 years old.  I want to LIVE before I die.  

  This must sound like the ravings of a crazy woman... "I want to be alone on a desert island, but I also want friends and a social life".  Umm.. what??  
  I have, until recently, worked as a retail store manager.  When I am AT work, I am INCREDIBLY outgoing.  But, only at work.  It's like a costume I put on.. my "retail costume".  My customers always adored me.. often times making attempts to strike up a real friendship (or a romantic one.. it's how I met The Cowboy), but, that's as far as it ever went (with few exceptions).  Now, I work as a merchandiser.  I travel from store to store and put away orders or reset stores.  I'm mostly invisible.  It has made me realize that the social interaction I got at work was pretty much all I have EVER had.  The Cowboy is still gone for Army training (he's done with Basic, but he has several months of advanced training to go), and I sort of feel like I AM invisible.  Like if I fell off the Earth, no one would notice for days or weeks.  Not until the bills fell far enough behind to get services turned off or the car repossessed.  
  What stops me from just jumping in?  Fear.  I am afraid .. of EVERYTHING.   For example:  Sometimes I think that I would like to learn to line dance.  I could just watch youtube videos at home alone and learn that way.  I have gone as far as to shut all the curtains and put on the video, but then I get anxious and can't do it.  I tell myself that it's stupid.. no one can even see me.  Still, I have a fear of ... looking stupid, maybe?  Maybe of failure?  Who knows?  
  I would like to make friends, but I have a fear of having nothing to offer the relationship.  I am ETERNALLY too broke to DO anything.  I definitely don't want to be the "tag along that always has to be paid for".  Because I don't do anything or have any friends, I don't really have anything to talk about either.  I simply have nothing to contribute.. nothing to offer another human being.  I have no idea what The Cowboy sees in me, to be honest.  
  I need to find self worth.  I need a hobby or something.  Something that gives me something to contribute.  The money issues and, of course the fear, keeps me from being able to give it much serious thought, though.  
  I always used my weight as an excuse.  I don't have that anymore.  I really have no excuse.  I just don't know how to ... start.   *sigh*  Yup.  Therapy.   Lots and lots of therapy.  I don't even really know what to say to a therapist, either, though.  "Hi, I'm Samantha.  I had a really messed up childhood (didn't everyone?), so I decided to spend my life feeling sorry for myself and hiding from the world.    Can you save me?  Can you point me in the right direction?  Can you point me in ANY direction?  Can you even hear me?  Hello?"
  That is all.  I am just having a pre-period rant, I suppose.   I think I'll go to bed, maybe I'll feel better in the morning.  

My teenaged daughter is being HORRID tonight.  It sucks because she is a computer gamer, but I don't know why since she ALWAYS gets pissed off when she plays.  She's 17 going on 12.  
  If I mention it, she gets all irritated and says stuff like "Why do you think it's going to improve my mood when you can CLEARLY see that I am irritated and you make a rude comment?!"  I have tried asking her how to constructively tell her that she is taking out her gaming frustrations on me or her boyfriend when we are clearly not at fault... we walk on eggshells around her all the time.  She gets pissed and stops talking to me.  (In this case, a MAJOR improvement).  

  I know it's stupid of me to rant about it, but today, I am especially unhappy with my thinner self.  I wanted to be thin more than anything when I was bigger.  Now I am thinner.  I wish I could have stopped losing about 25 lbs ago.  
  I HATE my excess skin, but not nearly as much as I hate the lack of curves and lack of boobs.  (Dear Boobs, COME BACK!! I'M SORRY!  Love, Sam).  I can fit into smaller clothes, but they don't look as good as they did before.  I have been trying to gain weight.. eating WAY too much crap food, but it's not helping.  Sometimes I can get as high as 147 and then the scale drops again.  I started going to the gym a while back in hopes that I could build some muscle.. I thought it would help .. now my legs are rock hard, but I still look like a Q-tip that has started to melt.  Really, I guess it's not the excess skin as much as the COMPLETELY flat ass (so flat that even the most padded underwear still doesn't help) and the flaps of skin that used to be my boobs.  I don't even mind the boobs so much when I am naked, but clothes all hang wrong.  



BLAH!  I need to figure something else out .. some way to accept myself as I am and like it.  Therapy is kind of out of the question as I have no medical (writing blogs IS my therapy).  

Ok.  I am done.  I am going to go find something to occupy my mind for a bit.  

until I get to see the beautiful man I love.  I only get to see him for two days, and then it will be another FIVE MONTHS before we can see each other again.  What did we get ourselves into?  It's been  almost 6 weeks since he left for basic training.  It's not the first time I have been through this, I was married to a Marine, but I thought that since I am older and a little more grounded now that it wouldn't be such a big deal.. I would just go on with my life for a few weeks knowing that we love each other and that we'd see each other soon.  HA!  I feel like a teenaged girl.  No patience at all.  Every day feels like an eternity.  I miss him so much... it's like the world has lost all color, almost.  I go through the motions of life, but I am unable to get into anything, really.. I am always just..... waiting.  
  In the meantime, I have started going to the gym and the weight seems to be dropping off again.  That should be thrilling, right?  No.  I am trying to gain some weight back.  I am down to the 130s now.  (The high 130s, but still).  I wanted to be like 165 before I saw him again.  I think I look best at that weight.  Well, THAT'S not gonna happen.  
  I have about a million issues, far too many to blog about.  I just need a release of some sort.  Too much stress and not enough ways to deal with it.  Ugh.

He's been gone 36 days.  I miss him.  Some days I feel like I am going insane.. like the minutes are dragging by... the days suddenly longer. How am I going to get through this?  We are only halfway through basic.. I only get to see him for 2 days and then ... there will be another FIVE MONTHS. I was sure that after the first couple of weeks that it would get easier, but it hasn't.  If anything.. it seems to be getting harder.  Ugh.  

There is so much to catch up on and so much more to write... but, I have to go to sleep.