Ok.  I drink when I eat.  I admit it.  I haven't ALWAYS.. but, pretty much.  Like since 5 or so months out.   So, I keep thinking that I am getting better about getting back on track, and then I discover something else I NEED to change. 
  THIS is one of the things that NEEDS to change.  Now.  Today.   I know that it washes the food out of your pouch.. but, since I don't eat enough calories as it is, I thought "What difference does that make?".  (Stupid, since my honeymoon period is pretty much over and this is when I should be following the rules even more closely!)  Then, today I read an article that said that drinking while you eat (or shortly thereafter) can force food through your stoma and can cause it to stretch out... like to the point where it's the same size as your pouch.  In essence giving you a 20 ft long stomach!  OMG!!
I have to assume that since I still don't eat much it's not too late.  (Please GOD, don't let it be too late!!!). 
  They said that after you're a year or so out, you should actually wait NINTY minutes after eating to drink.  OMG!!  How the hell am I going to do that and still get my liquids in?!? 
  On a (sort of) related topic..  I was really thirsty and I went to the kitchen to get myself something to drink.  Instead, I grabbed crackers.   ...   Not only do I NOT need the 203948329048 calories that were in them (they were the crappy chicken flavored ones), but they CERTAINLY didn't help my thirst and now I can't drink for like 25 more minutes... or 85 more minutes depending on who you ask.  *sigh*.  I wonder if your stoma once stretched out a LITTLE bit will shrink back down once you stop being foolish?  probably not.  Damn it.

  I started my new job today.  This is a DREAM JOB!  Most people don't consider managing a gas station a dream job, but if you have ever worked retail, you will COMPLETELY understand.  
  First of all, it's a BRAND NEW STORE.  They asked me when I wanted to open for business and I chose the 14th.  I get to decide what vendors to use, what design I want for the landscaping, what software I want to run the registers and back office.  I even got to add a register to the store.  
  I asked them what hours I would be working.  They replied, " What hours do you WANT to work?  You make the schedule.".  My new schedule will be Monday through Friday from 6:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.  Subject to change if I don't want to get up that early.  (!!!!)  The storage in this bright, shiny, BEAUTIFUL new store is beyond belief!  (Again, maybe you have to be a retail person to fully appreciate that statement).    When I asked if I could get a file cabinet for my new office, I was told to let them know what I needed and they would make it happen.  AMAZING! 
  The best part?  The people are great... so laid back and all very nice.  I love to work.  I could be completely happy doing much harder work for less pay and with less decent people.  Thankfully, I don't have to.  I am CERTAIN that there will be some hardcore work to be done, setting up a new store will require some hours on my part and I am salary.  I don't mind.  I am VERY much looking forward to the challenge. 
  Ok, so after coming home from the BEST FIRST DAY EVER, I came home to a spotless house.  The Cowboy cleaned EVERYTHING!  The dishes were done and put away, laundry finished, floors clean, beds made.  I walked in with a giant smile on my face, but I actually welled up with tears of joy when I saw the house.  I have no idea what I did to deserve this.  Great job, great man.. perfect life.  Now, if I could just get the rest of my PROTEIN in, everything really would be perfect. 
I started a corned beef in the crockpot for tomorrow night's dinner.  Now, I am off to bake some chicken breasts (with garlic cheese biscuits and sauteed veggies for the family). 
  I hope everyone is having a day as amazing as mine!!!

 Well, today has gone straight down the toilet as far as my protein intake.  I have gotten all of 39.7 grams in.  We'll call it 40.  =] 
  I have been forcing myself to eat more and it's ALL been protein rich.  I am also very low in iron, so I have been concentrating on high iron, protein rich foods.  Read: meat.  How in the hell do ya'll do it?!  I got a grand total of 500 calories in today.  I might be able to squeeze in one more protein shake, but it will probably be a RTD Atkins shake and those are only about 15g of protein each.  
  Here's my problem.  I am the pickiest eater in the world.  I don't eat cheese (except rarely on pizza or a slice of american presliced processed cheese food crap on a burger patty), cottage cheese, sour cream, salad dressing (except Italian), mayonaise, any types of seafood (shellfish or fish due to allergies).  I LOVE all veggies (except Okra and eggplant).. brussel sprouts are my FAVORITE!  I eat chicken, beef, pork and turkey (that is in the order of preference).  I love fruit.  Carbs... well, as much as I love them... I try to keep it down to a bare minimum.  (I think I have managed to keep it under 10g a day as of late).  Ok.  So, I stay away from fruit except for a few blueberries or a half of a banana in my protein shakes now and then.   Lately, I have been trying to cut back on the veggies, too so that I can fit in more protein.  (Both meats and protein shakes).  
  I can't seem to get any food in my system until like 10am.  Until then, it's just a cup of coffee (lately I have added protein to my coffee to help with the calories and protein intake).  The idea of losing more weight doesn't bother me, it's the idea of losing more lean muscle mass that is driving me to obsess over my food intake.  I have lost around 159 lbs so far.  I feel VERY flabby, though.  Some of that is excess skin, of course.. but, I feel like I am carrying around too much fat vs lean muscle mass.  I think my lack of caloric intake and protein has taken a toll.  I look a bit like a popsicle stick.  No real shape anymore.  My measurements are now 40-32-39 (all rounded up to the closest inch).  It sucks.  
  Tomorrow is another day.  I will force a protein shake down in the morning.. that should help a LOT.  Wish me luck. 
           Punkie out. 

 So, I decided that I was going to stop trying to lose more weight.   I even gave myself permission to gain a few pounds.  I figured "What the hell".  I looked less "deflated" at 165 and I was happy. 
  I started eating more protein.  I have always had a hell of a time getting in my protein, so for the last few days I have been making an effort to REALLY try to get as much protein in as possible.  It almost feels like I am at an all you can eat buffet from hell.  I don't know how everyone else does it.  Between the shakes and the protein rich foods I have felt like I was constantly FULL.  Blech.  I think this is because I am not really used to eating that much.  Since surgery, I have been lucky to get 700 calories a day in my system.  The last couple of days, I have been pushing the envelope a bit.. I am probably up to like 1200.  (I should have been tracking, but I kept forgetting). 
  So, I step on the scale this morning and I have lost 3 pounds.  I am down to 144.4.  My lowest weight up until this point was 144.8 (It was a one time thing). I have stayed right at 147 for months.  LOL.  I don't know how to feel about it, but I guess I'll just ride it out and see what happens. 
  I'm going to start tracking my food again today.
  On another note, I am out of my Unjury unflavored protein.  I had ordered samples and I was using them in my coffee.  It was a completely effortless way to get an extra 20g of protein a day.  I'll have to order more.  I took advice from Poet_Kelly and just opened the packet in the morning and them made it my goal to add a little bit of the contents to whatever I ate or drank throughout the day until the packet was gone.  It worked!  I swear that woman is a genius. 
  Ok.  Enough of this long, boring, disjointed blog.   I'm outta here.  I have to decide what to wear for my first day of work tomorrow!! 

  Actually, I am calling it rant #1, because the rest of my posts were more of a vent.. it had to do with me personally. This has to do with other people and I really have no right to be this pissy about it, but I am.
  I was surfing the web when I came across this blog about the truths behind WLS.   One of the posts (the first one I read) had copied and pasted an article that the blogger found interesting.  It was all about high suicide rates after WLS.  Ok.  I have no issue with the article.  My issue came with the comments made in response to the article.  There were dozens of posts from people who said that WLS messed up their lives and their health and made them miserable.  Bear with me here before you quit reading and start getting upset with me.  The majority of the complaints were related to deficiencies.  Most of them said things like "My doctor never told me that I could end up anemic." or the like.  One particluar poster wrote that she had bleeding ulcers and that they couldn't heal because she was so deathly anemic and that when her doctor told her she needed iron infusions, she refused and "now I have to take liquid iron".  Another poster had his surgery while he was still in highschool at just 18 years old.  He lost a bunch of weight, but now his quality of life is in the toilet because he can't eat out with his friends.  He claims that the most he can hold down is a piece of toast with an egg and that he can't eat a "normal" meal.   
  My complaint here is two fold.  1. What kind of doctors out there aren't explaining the life changes that go with WLS?!?!?!?!?   I have never heard of anyone having WLS in recent history that wasn't made aware of the vitamin requirements that are required AFTER surgery... or that they must get labs done to keep an eye on their vitamin levels before they got dangerously low.  In the case of the lady listed above, it seems that she didn't have any labs done until she had issues.  (She never mentions labs until AFTER the ulcers started and talks about how they discovered her anemia while trying to figure out why her ulcers weren't healing).   I HAVE heard of people who just blow off these requirements and then can't understand why they are sick.  As far as the 18 year old goes... did they do this major surgery on him and NOT tell him that he wouldn't be able to eat a double cheese burger?  Did no one explain to him that they were making his stomach SMALLER??  In the 4 years or whatever since surgery, did he not figure this out?  (I can't remember how old he said he was now, but he was in his 20's).   Did he think he was going to be able to go back to eating the same crap as before as soon as the weight came off?  *I* eat in restaurants with my family just fine.. less food, yes, but I don't have to avoid restaurants all together because I can't eat an entire double cheeseburger.
  My BIGGEST complaint, however is ... if you CHOOSE to get this MAJOR LIFE CHANGING surgery.. do you not do ANY research?!?!?!?   EVEN if you are unlucky enough to have a complete quack as your surgeon and they don't tell you anything about the procedure.. like how it works or what changes you will have to make... do you not at least read a book on it or jump on the internet and read up??  If your weight loss surgery fails to make you healthier because YOU don't follow the rules, then why would you jump on the internet and claim that WLS is dangerous and deadly?!?!?!?    There are pre-ops out there that read this and freak out!  I have watched numerous youtube videos on people who post on "the truth about WLS" and the videos are all about how sick they are because they are deficient in several vitamins.  Several of them talk about how they didn't know that this was going to happen to them or how they weren't informed, but they are POSTING YOUTUBE VIDEOS!  Does this not mean that they have access to the largest information network in the world?! 
  I am not saying that they are all wrong.  I am CERTAIN that there are a lot of people out there that have complications that are in NO WAY their fault.  I know that there are people that have trouble keeping food down, or eating enough or whatever.. and that this is, indeed, very dangerous.  But, please don't say that all WLS is deadly if you did this to yourself. 
  I went for several weeks.. maybe even months without taking all of my required vitamins.  I am trying to rectify this now, but in the event that I have done permanent damage to myself... I can in no way blame this on anyone but myself.   If I gain back all of my weight due to my inability to control what I eat (what?  No one told me I was NEVER going to be able to pound an entire bag of chips again!?!).. then I didn't have a failed surgery..  *I* failed my surgery. 
  Ok.  I'm out.  Rant over. 

  I have been thinking a lot lately about my obsession with the scale.  I realized lately that I am so tired of thinking about/talking about/obsessing over my damn weight.  If *I* am tired of it, I can't imagine how my friends/family must feel.  It seems like every conversation comes back to either my "thinness" or my vitamins or my protein intake or what I can or can't eat.  I just want to start enjoying being normal!  
  Yesterday we drove to the place I used to work.  I saw a former employee and she almost didn't recognize me.  The next 30 minutes were spent talking about how amazing my transformation was.  Then we stopped and picked up my oldest daughter (who I haven't seen in three months).. and her first words were "Wow, Mom.. you are so TINY!".   We went out to eat.  She is morbidly obese.  She has had health problems most of her life and it caused her to be depressed and she turned to comfort food.  When we got to the restaurant, she ordered lasagna, garlic fries and mashed potatoes.   Instead of just enjoying my time with her, I had to almost bite my tongue to stop from giving her hell about her food choices.  When the hell did *I* become the Food Police!?!?!?  She's almost 24.. she knows the rules of healthy eating and it's HER decision whether or not she wants to follow them at this point.  Why did I want so bad to ruin our time together by berating her about her food choices?  A little over a year ago, I would have probably helped her eat all of that. 
  This last weekend, my parents came to visit.  I have NEVER been thin enough for my parents (even when I was a child).  I dressed VERY carefully in my most flattering clothes.  Finally!  I would be thin enough that my parents wouldn't rag on me about my weight!  Instead.. I got "You are TOO thin.  You look sick.. are you anorexic?"  WHAT?!?  I asked them how much they THOUGHT I weighed... my dad guessed 100 lbs.  I informed them that not only did I NOT weigh 100 lbs, but my BMI is still almost in the overweight catagory.  (It's 24.9).   I explained that they might see me that way not because I am ACTUALLY too thin, but because they aren't USED to seeing me thin.  Kind of a "body dysmorphia from an outside point of view".. kind of the way that I still see the "fat" girl in the mirror.  That just made things worse.  They lectured me about how seeing the fat girl in the mirror is what was going to make me anorexic.  *sigh*.   
  I realized that The Cowboy and I spend MOST of our time talking about my weight loss/surgery/excess skin related issues.  Isn't there anything else in my life to talk about anymore? 
  I just got a new job.  I start Monday.  It's almost a dream job for me and I'm VERY excited.  I also think it will help with the above mentioned issues because NO ONE there knows I was ever fat!   Not a single person there will ask me how much I weigh now or if I have taken my vitamins or if I am having trouble pooping. 
  I know that this is all my fault.  It was MY obsession that started this.  When I first started the process, I couldn't talk about anything else.  I became obsessed with what I put in my mouth and when.   That means that it is also my responsibility to put a stop to it.. I'm just not sure how.  For the part of me that still has to think about these things, I can turn to my OH friends/family.  (Honestly, I love you guys and have NO idea how I would have made it this far without you!).  I think that for the rest of the world, though... my weight related issues will have to be off limits.  I will answer questions that I am asked, but *I* will make a serious effort to NEVER bring the subject up.  I just want to feel what it's like to be normal, and normal people don't obsess about their weight 24/7. 
  Now, in complete contrast to my above statement, I am going to discuss my weight. (It's ok.. I am with my OH family right now).  Poet_Kelly posted in the forums about the fear of weight regain.   I am split on the issue.  I hate my excess skin and have considered the idea that gaining back 20 lbs wouldn't kill me.  It would help to fill in some of the excess skin and ... really.. is it going to kill me to go back to a size 6 or 8?  I was pissing myself with excitement when I got down to a 16, for the love of God!  Instead, I find that I am terrified of standing on the scale and having it display the dreaded 150.  (That seems to be the magic number for me).  Some stupid part of my brain insists that if I let it get back up to 150 (which is only like 4 - 6 pounds away) that it will all come back.  Like one day it will say 150 and THE NEXT DAY it will read 190 and then the next day 250 and so on.  I should be worried that when I have my "bounce back" that I will have to be institutionalized. 
   Ok.  I am outta here.  I am going to go wait for my daughter to get home from school and do something OTHER than obsess about my weight. 

  I have been urinating blood.  I knew I at least had a UTI, I have had them before and recognized the usual icky symptoms, but the blood.. well, that was new.  I was urinating these giant blood clots.  Then, one day I went pee and it was ALL blood.. dark red.  Then, it just stopped.  I don't have insurance, so I REALLY didn't want to have to go to the ER.  I put it off.  I started eating blueberries, taking cranberry capsules, taking extra vitamin C, drinking NSA Cranberry juice.  Nothing helped.  I still had the painful urination, constant urgent need to go, etc.  
  Finally, today The Cowboy came home from work and I was in tears.  He said "That's it!" and off we went to the ER.  So, it turns out that I have a UTI, a bladder infection, a kidney infection and kidney stones.  Super.  They gave me a script for antibiotics and told me to hold on tight, because passing the stones was gonna hurt like the dickens.  Well, damn.
  At least I got my antibiotics, though.  I'll pick up the script in the morning (the pharmacy was closed by the time I got out of the ER). 
  They also told me to try and get in a gallon of water every hour or so.  HA!  I am lucky if I get a gallon of water a DAY.  Even before surgery, I am not sure I could put away a gallon of water in an hour. 
  On a brighter note, tonight I had pizza for dinner.  We made homemade pizzas for The Cowboy and the Ninja... I didn't want all the carbs, though, so I used a ham steak for the pizza crust.  I just put sauce, cheese, seasonings, olives, garlic and stuff on top and baked.  It was EPIC!  I couldn't eat very much, so I have plenty to heat up for tomorrow.  YAY!
  I have an interview tomorrow at 11:15.  Wish me luck.  I NEED this job.  It will come with medical coverage so I can get my labs drawn.  I haven't had them drawn since I had surgery and that is NOT GOOD.  
  Ok.  I am off to spend a few more minutes with The Cowboy before I hit the sack.  Have a good night, Everyone!

    You know the ones..  you get up in the morning, hide from the step kids, try to get some housework done, find something DISGUSTING in you garbage can, do 5893784 loads of laundry and then decide to give up JUST as your parents text you that they will be at your house sometime tomorrow morning?  No?  You never have those days?  Ok.. maybe SOME of you don't hide from your step kids... or let the laundry pile up until it's out of control... 

ok.  Maybe it's just me.  Right now I am taking a break while I wait for dinner to simmer. (Hamburger helper Lasagna.. YUK!).  When the sauce thickens, I will throw it in a baking pan and toss some mozerella on top and bake it.  THEN, I will make myself something more suitable.   While I'm blending my protein laced goodness, I will toast up some garlic bread for the family.  *sigh* Sometimes I miss crappy food.  I don't give it to them too often, but *I* had my surgery, not my family.  Actually, I have to say that thy are all a lot more health conscious now than they were.  They even do protein shakes with me from time to time. 

My workout for today consisted of getting out of bed and lifting my coffee cup to my lips.  After several strenuous coffee cup reps, I was ready to face the day (and the step kids). 

So, since I seem to be the only one in my house that cares if anything ever gets done, I decided to show the family what would happen if I just didn't do it.   You know what happened?  You guessed it.. it didn't get done.  Dishes are piled up everywhere.  I get to face those after dinner.  I had conversations like this:

17 year old daughter:  Mom, do we have any plastic spoons?
                                Me:  I don't think so.  Why?
17 year old daughter:  Because I found a paper plate and I wanted to eat some cereal. 

My mind boggles at the idea of eating cereal off of a paper plate.  Is it even possible?  She was willing to chance it rather than wash a bowl and a spoon.  Really?  *sigh*  This is when I started chanting in my head "Children are a blessing.  Children are a blessing".    I'm not sure how my older three lived to adulthood.    The bright side is that they DO seem to do dishes at their own houses. 

I am also pretty sure that my daughter (and The Cowboy and anyone else who occasionally inhabits my home) believe that toilet paper grows on the roll.  No one seems to have any idea how to get it there once it's gone.  Like maybe it magically teleports there from under the counter or off the store shelves.  On the rare occasion when they actually GRAB a roll of toilet paper from the cabinet, they set it on the counter... like TWO inches from the toilet paper roller.  Now, I realize that my mothering skills are a cross between Rosanne and Morticia Addams, but I am pretty sure that I have shown them at least ONCE how to load the toilet paper on the roller.  I wouldn't even complain if they put it on the wrong way.. you know.. where the paper comes out from behind the roll.  (I am weird about having it come over the top.  That's just how I think it should be).  

Alright.  Break time is over.  I must run off and finish cooking.. if I don't, I fear that the little ones will be gnawing on my ankles and the big ones will decide that dinner should just be a cheese stick and some grapes (that require no plates and no cooking).  Come to think of it, a cheese stick and some grapes would probably be better for them than what I am making.  Hmm....