Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

 
The Kid: Ewww.
What's that in the toilet.
Me: It's pee
The Kid: No it's not. It's the wrong color. It's gross

The Kid don't play!

 Wow. First of all, can we discuss how absolutely tactless 4 year olds are? I was in there minding my business and both him AND the dog come busting up in there like some miniaturized, canine SWAT team. I got up to see what he needed and then he pulled out his detective badge and started questioning me about MY pee. After my answer wasn't sufficient enough, his little ass wanted to play forensics and analyze MY pee. This is MY pee. Kid, you don't know anything! Yesterday, you thought Spongebob was saying "A bag of chips" when he was actually saying "Abandon ship". Clearly, I'm the intellect in this thing we call a relationship, son. I'm telling you, this kid and this dog need to climb back into the TV and whatever network cop show they came off of. Cot Damage!

Now that I've moved past my shock and awe of The Kid nypdblueing me, lets address the real issue-Why my pee is neon orange today and smells like starter fluid.
One of my dear friends suggested that I might have a kidney problem. I can absolutely assure you that I do not have a kidney problem. I have a mouth problem. My mouth is going through that whole I-hate-water stage again. The thought of drinking water actually makes me shudder. I do good for a really long time, and the BAM! I am hit with the anti-water spirit. I'm racist against water right about now. I feel like that Grand Wizard of the Wu Klux Klan. It's a problem for me!!!
On top of that, my sleeve capacity is like zero, zilch, nada. Getting my water in is physically tough now. I threw up last night cause I drank too fast for my sleeve. That hasn't happened since I was a newbie

I'm gonna fix this though. Being severely dehydrated is a shaky, heart pounding, anxiety riddled kind of scary that I do not need in my day. I won't let it get to far, but I'm always pushing it when I know that I just need to have a damn drink! Habitual luck pushing IS one of my qualities. Hell, I even have it on my Twitter bio.
So what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do.

Number One- I will not be putting cucumber in my water to make it more palatable. That is an insult to cucumbers everywhere. They could be living their lives gloriously as fried pickles, but instead they're languishing away in the bottom of people's glasses. That's just sad.

Number Two- I read somewhere that drinking hot water from a mug is a great way to fool yourself. No. That's a great way to burn yourself.

Number 3- I will not carry a Nalgene bottle. First off, the name slightly offends me cause it sounds too much like nalgas. Secondly, I need one hand to hold The Kid by the scruff of his neck, one hand to hold my purse, one hand to clutch my pearls when I have my cake daydrean/fantasies,and one hand to hold my parasol (remember I'm a vampire). I am already too many hands down. I can't with the Nalgene bottle. I. Just. Can't.

Can you guys tell me what I can do? You know me. Don't insult my tastes, my sensibilities, or my intelligents...yes, INTELLIGENTS!

Anyway, I'm about to go take this water shot. *shuddering*

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No weight today

 Today fall roared in like a lion and I was more than happy to pull out this comfy gray sweater out of the closet and put it on for the day. I bought it months ago when Lane Bryant was having a huge sale when even the sale stuff was 40% off.
I tried it on today and it's too big.
With it being a sweater I can get away with it being a few sizes too big so all's not lost. The thing is, that during the summer, I never thought I would be the size that I am now, but I am. I'm the size that I am and I'm still losing weight. I knew I'd lose weight, I just don't know if ever really thought that it would be this much or so soon......hmmmmmmm......... I was even able to wear this leather jacket that I haven't worn in 5 years and let me tell you that was a really good feeling.

I think I ate too much today though. No let me rephrase that, I did eat too much today. Yesterday I did well staying away from the candy , but today that monkey jumped on my damn back and held on like a koala. It was a koalakey!!!!
Despite it's cute sounding name, the elusive koalakey is a formidable predator. While juvenile koalakeys are actually docile enough to be made into koala keys, adult koalakeys are ferocious, feral beasts with little regard for any life forms around them. In the recent weeks, there have been several substantiated reports of koalakey attacks, one deadly. These attacks tend to start around October 31 and peak during November and December.

koalakey victim

Will Power, of Dallas, TX was standing in front of McDonald's when the first koalakey attack happened. Subsequent attacks happened at Love at First Bite Bakery while simply picking up an order, and the Indian food buffet while he was just changing the sterno ( he works there). On November 1, while pushing a cart of vegetables to his car at the local big box retailer, he vanished into thin air and was reported missing by his wife, Temperance. He was later found decapitated, upright on the couch at home,  surrounded by a 3 foot high wall of candy wrappers. Ouch.
So "hide ya kids, hide ya wife, and hide ya husbands" cause the koalakeys are attackin' errbody out here.
Be safe during koalakey breeding season, yall.

ttyl

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Sep 11, 2010

VSG surgery Fleet and TTMI

  ??9.6 I think. Not sure about the 10ths, but I'm sure that its a new middle number.

I hit the new number yesterday, but I wasn't sure if that was only because I'd been sick the night before. Like for real IWANTMYMAMA kinda sick. Up until the other night I'd only been constipated once in my adult life and that was thanks to two weeks of optifast presurgery. After dealing with that two day ordeal, experience told,"Oh hell no, Waning Woman. Remember when it felt like your entire pelvic region was about to explode? Unless you want to birth another potato out of your ass, I suggest that you go ahead and handle this NOW!" I'm telling you it hurt from the cooter to the pooter and there were certified grown woman tears involved That was certainly something I didn't want to have to experience ever again.
Anyway, I didn't want to wait for a top down treatment to work, so I got real familiar with Fleet the other night and let it do its job. After laying on the bathroom floor with my butt in the air a few minutes, everything came out fine.
Relieved that my bothersome bowel blockage was now on its way to some far, far away water treatment plant, I went to the couch and started to play on the xbox. Fleet must not have finished working because before I knew it, I was back on the bowl. No biggie. I went back a few more times, but suddenly I started to have the most intense cramping sensation.
JESUS BE A SWIFT AND SWEET BREEZE AND COME CARRY ME TO HEAVEN RIGHT NOW!
I was sitting on the toilet, sweat was dotting my brow and my body was covered with a sheen of sweat. I went from not being able to go  to not being able to stop from going and it hurt something terrible. It was so bad that all I could do was lay in the hallway outside of the bathroom door with a bedspread. I kept getting up to go the bowl every minute or so and the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt like I was throwing up out of my butt. That retching that makes your whole body shake and makes you get on your tippie toes like a ballerina was happening, it was just on the wrong end. Even when there was nothing more that could come out, I was still dry heaving out of my butt!!!  Ay Dios mio! Just as I thought that I couldn't take any more, it slowly started to ebb. Although I was shaky and worn out, the edge was taken off enough that I could actually get into the bed and go to sleep.
 Whew, I'm wiped out just telling you guys about it.The next day, I felt like Naomi Campbell's hairline- dry, broke down, depleted, and in need of salvation, but holding on for dear life.


ttyl 9 comments Labels: bariatric, bubble guts, Gastric Sleeve, the bads, TMI, Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, VSG, VSG surgery blog, weight loss after VSG surgery, weight loss surgery

Sunday, July 25, 2010

VSG surgery 157 the shirt is not a lie

  a little lower than yesterday.

When I was fat nobody ever wanted me to say that I was fat. "Oh you're not fat, that's just baby weight." or "You're not fat, you're just big." or "You're not fat, you just gained weight." They would say ANYTHING other than the dreaded ""F" word. I think that people who love you don't want to say that you're fat, because fat isn't just a descriptive term the same way that tall, or short, or brunette is. Its a word charged with so many other negative connotations .
Fat is lazy.
Fat is unlovable. 
Fat is unattractive.
Fat is unmotivated.
Fat is weakness.
Fat is a lot of un's.
I think that when people who love you say that you're not fat, they aren't denying your excess poundage or your girth, I think that they're saying that you're not any of the other stuff that is attached to it.
Apparently fat is pale, loves too be in front of puce colored backdrops and MUST wear the most unflattering clothes....if any at all. SMH.

Well, though Bessie part deux is being an absolute assclown, I'm still shrinking. I didn't think that I was even when those around me, parents and PT, keep insisting that I am. Today, I put on a shirt that I bought not even a month ago and its fitting a lot looser than when I bought it. I've worn the shirt quite a few times, but looking in the mirror today it really hit me in the face. I don't look any smaller to myself, but I know that I must be shrinking because clothes don't just suddenly get bigger. There isn't a magic clothes fairy that goes into my closet and lets out the seams on all of my garments. Well there is one, but that tramp doesn't work for free. My ass can't spare any extra money for a wee, winged creature to flitter about my closet messing up stuff. The evil scale genie  knows an incantation to conjure up one of these little closet nymphs and for the low cost of 299.99 I can send you the evil scale genie and if you act now, all of his chicanery is FREE, that's right FREE if you only pay shipping and handling.
Well, I'm gonna ship my butt into this kitchen so that I can handle all of these dishes from the big meal that I cooked.

ttyl Posted by Waning Woman at 11:01 PM 2 comments Links to this post Labels: bariatric, Gastric Sleeve, random musings, Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, VSG, VSG surgery blog, weight loss after VSG surgery, weight loss surgery

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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

VSG surgery 89

  These are yesterdays weights. I'm at my parent's house.

??1.4 weight today,   -6.0 lbs from last weight,  73 pounds lost total

My body is being crazy again. From Monday to Tuesday, I lost 3.6 lbs. When I got on the scale it surprised the hayl outta me. The body does what the body wants. I made doubly sure that I got my water and protein yesterday.

So my checkup on Monday went really well. I was very surprised to learn that I'd lost 20lbs since the last visit. It was the usual weight, blood pressure, and how've you been eating and drinking thing. I made sure that I took all of the time that I needed so that I didn't leave feeling rushed.

I made it to 'Ta Falls ( what The Kid calls my hometown) so that I could be at my neice's HeadStart graduation. My sister sent out invites, reminders on the Book of Faces, text messages, smoke signals, morse code, and I'm pretty sure that if she could have taken an ad out on primetime TV, she would have. It went pretty much like any other pre-k graduation in the US of A-kids not singing the songs, kids arguing on stage, a couple of kids who wouldn't stop crying, kids who couldn't stop waving at their familes, and about 3 who actually did what they were supposed to. My neice was not among those three...lol   I made sure to bring a case of my Premier Protein shakes because being at my parents house is not conducive to good eating. I also packed some string cheese, roast beef, edamame, vegetable beef soup, and some water. I gotta be prepared at all times.

Wel, I'm gonna get up and enjoy the rest of the day with my family.


ttyl Posted by Waning Woman at 2:28 PM 0 comments Links to this post Labels: checkup, family, food choices, Gastric Sleeve, Premier Protein shake, Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, VSG, vsg surgery blog, weight loss after VSG surgery, weight loss surgery