Okay so today is my birthday, and the past year has been amazing.  I got my surgery, lost 100 lbs, went on my first cruise, played in my first ocean, etc, etc.  Turning 40 was a blast, now that i am counting backwards ... yes backwards :) I want to look ahead at what is in store for me this year.

I want to continue losing this weight down to my own personal goal of 164 and at that point I can re-evaluate to see if I am comfortable there instead of trying to reach "normal weight" according to BMI standards (which I think suck).  I want to learn how to maintain and keep it off, I am terrified that I won't be able to do it.  Do you read the forums as I do and see all the stories of completely successful losers getting to goal or very close to it only to suffer the humiliation and personal failure of regain?  It scares me, I know that there are things I could be doing even now to ensure that I maintain, like measuring portions, planning my days food and tracking better, and most of all working out more often, but I don't.  Sad thing is I am totally aware that these things could cause failure eventually and I still don't do them....

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

At this time, I feel great, starting to look great, I am healthy by the numbers and still losing steadily but slowly.  But the more I read, the more doomed I begin to feel that no matter how well I do that I am just months away from my goals and then the inevitable defeat of regain.  I actually dream about it.  I wake up crying because of it, yet it still isn't enough to make me do what I know is right.  

That being said, TODAY I am gonna exercise, TODAY I am gonna track my food, TODAY I will get all my protein and water, TODAY I will focus on what I know to work.... Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and say the same things...  

I used to love the phrase "I am the master of my destiny"  so I am gonna try to adopt that again. 

Life is good, I have good friends and great family and I couldn't be happier.  Surgery didn't cure me, I wasn't sick, I was fat.  I am not broken, there is nothing to fix.  It simply helped me achieve a goal I was unable to reach by myself.  I am grateful for what I have and will strive daily to keep it and never take it for granted.  

This is my new goal....I will get to goal, I will maintain and fight like hell to maintain so that I can remain healthy all the rest of my days.  

Goal #1    100 lb weight loss (achieved 10/28/10)
Goa l#2    199
Goal #3    164
Goal #4     maintenance :)

So i had the day off yesterday and went to do my first set of labs post op.  Walked into the surgeons office and there was a preop class going on, and several people were there just so excited to see how good my results have been in just 6 months.  It was nice, because I was having a day where I was still feeling very fat.  It helps to keep things in perspective sometimes.

Hopefully my labs will be good, I did have a week there last month that I was bad at taking my vitamins, but for the most part have been very good.  Just concerned because my surgeon does not check them very often.  Any way, posted some pics from my vacation that I went on the week before my 6 month mark, so I will use those for my 6 month pics I guess.  I might take another still shot where I took the first 2 but who knows.  

Okay so I don't write here much, mainly because most days are great and I don't think about it, but right now I have stuff on my mind and feel like spewing, so here goes.  I am just over 5 months out and as a whole I feel things are still going well.  However, I feel as if I am on the edge of that reality and ready to topple into the abyss of massive suckage.  I already know I can eat WAY more than most people at this point.  I don't regularly measure, but I do watch what I eat.  I eat protein first, avoid most carbs and dont' drink (except a couple sips) during or after meals for 30 minutes.  I take my vitamins and get all my protein plus some.  The problem is I am seeing myself recognize the problem and ignore it.... just like before.  Why is it I can see this and still not do anything about it?  I have always been my biggest enemy and obviously that didn't change with surgery.  I am still losing at about 2 lbs a week, and I am happy with that.  But I still have about 54 lbs to go, which at 2 lbs a week I will reach goal right about the time of my one year surgiversary.  But I already know that stalls are inevitable, and if I continue down that unsteady path of eating too big of portions and not exercising, yeah I said it, not exercising, I know that a stall or two are in my future if not a total weight loss stoppage.   So what is my point?  None really, other than I think I needed to put it out there so I could read it to myself and maybe, just maybe it would help me to motivate myself to do better.  I still want to know why sometimes I can eat as much as a cup of food and other times not even a full half cup.  Consistency I thought maybe, but it doesn't seem that it matters. Its random.  Maybe I will never know.  But for today, I am eating a small premeasured lunch, and a couple of shakes, then for dinner something moderate and measured, maybe I can get back on track and help myself out a bit.