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reachinghigher4u's Blog
reachinghigher4u's Blog

soul sharing
posted on 5/13/10 8:00 am
I'm usually a very private person. I'm outgoing and always try to make others feel comfortable but I keep things close to my chest. I use to call it job hazard others call it being reserved. I just finished writing an email to my assigned secret pal, Jodie, and found myself just typing away and straying off subject. I proceeded to delete what I wrote and decided to put it in a blog to share with everyone.  I can state things matter of fact without scraping the wall of emotions, for the most part. The following is walking that fine line of the two.

It's depressing how fat I've gotten over the past couple of years. Between depression from an abusive relationships, dating complete psychos, multiple abdominal surgeries and steroids for my back....it's been rough. Up until 2001 I was a deputy sheriff and quit after being injured in the line of duty. I had always battled weight my entire life. I found that when I kept active, it stayed off. Well when you have a bad back, that can limit your life, immediately. But let me back up a little....
Many of the people on this planet will say "If only I could get back to what I weighed in high school"...I'm one of them. For however brief a time it was, I was 160-170lbs. I played tennis, softball (how typical I know), was on the downhill ski team, basketball, I'm sure you get the picture. I didn't have a stomach, but I had the hips, thighs and ass (thanks Mom). Then in '93 I had my first car accident. I was laid up in bed for 6 months, unable to even dress myself because of my inability to bend due to back pain. They wanted to do surgery but I refused, I didn't want to crap roll maybe never walking again.

To make a long story short, I had some improvement. I even started doing things until, little by little, my back started acting up a few years later. I know now that it was because I was gaining more weight. I would try diet after diet after diet to get it down again without risking injuring my back with any sort of intense exercise. I was able to pass the entrance exam and was hired on as a deputy, only if by the skin of my teeth. I managed to get some of the fat off and rebuilt with some major muscle. It felt so good to be buff! I was competing in cycling races (mainly mountain biking) and trying to be as active as possible when you pretty much live in a patrol car and work 12-14hr days. Then after a few more accidents, steroids for my back, I started packing on the weight again.
I was diagnosed with severe Endometriosis in 2004 and subsequently had to have a complete hysterectomy. I wasn't able to go on HRTs right away (had to wait 6 months) and honestly fell into this deep depression. I didn't want to do anything and that is when I really started to gain weight. When time came to finally go on HRTs, that is when the reports started coming out about how it increased chances of stroke, heart attack, cancer etc. I said No way!
Then my back got worse and worse. I would throw it out stepping out of the shower, bending over to pick up a coffee cup, stupid crap like that. I felt hopeless....crippled. That's when I met Paula. I don't know how the hell she stayed with me. Here I am, this mobility limited, fat, could throw my back out at any time, lump. That's what I sometimes feel like.. a lump.

Yet, God Bless her, she still wanted to be with me. She is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. Oh did I mention she's skinny? LOL, she's put on about 20lbs since we got married but I know it's because she isn't active and become a coach potato like me. I had one back surgery in '08 to save me from pretty much being paralyzed the rest of my life. I still have incredible pain now, but I know I have to get this weight off before ANYTHING will change. I know I need additional surgeries, but what is the use when you are 50lbs away from hitting 400? How damn depressing is that number? OMG, what the hell happened to me? Where the hell did it all go wrong? 
Paula is completely supportive of me and wanting to do this. I know there is a long process to get to the surgery, as awful as some parts may be to me, I will do everything I can to get there as quickly as possible. I want to show her all the incredible places I've been. Show her hidden treasures that are only accessible by bike, kayak or backpacking the wilderness.


But most of all, I want to have a life with her and not cheat her of 'moments' because I'm too embarrassed to go some where or do some thing. Or the biggest one of all, because I died from obesity complications (thank God I don't have anything right now other then joint/back issues).

It just seems so far away and sometimes impossible to get there....


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