I’m not quite sure what’s been going on with me these past few weeks, but I’m a hot mess!  If anyone who knows me were to describe me they would tell you that I’m not an emotional person, especially around others.  Sure I get angry or happy but I don’t let sensitive type emotions show, I don’t get emotionally upset about things.  I usually get pissed and move on.  NOPE, not lately!  Lately I want to freaking cry all the time.  I am literally fighting tears right now.  When something happens that upsets me, I dwell on it instead of letting it go.  GRRRRRR……No my life isn’t perfect and yes I have stress that adds to it.  But I seriously can’t stand this overly sensitive crap that’s going on.  People are actually hurting my feelings with the stupid things they are doing or saying.  The same crap they were doing or saying a month ago now makes me want to cry and quit my job.  I’ve read that as we lose fat, hormones (or some other crap that makes us mushy) is released.  Reading and experiencing are totally different, so I need to know how long this is going to go on and if there is a way to stop it.  I don’t even want to be around myself right now.  I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.

-          I’m not happy with my weight loss but I’m not upset with it either…I’m worried I will never make it to goal.  It’s just so damn far away…I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel

-          I’m sick of people wanting to know how much I’ve lost and when I’m going to buy smaller clothes.  LEAVE ME ALONE!!

-          I’m so fearful of failing at this that I don’t eat nearly enough.  I’ve never been good at accepting failure or defeat and this seems to be the worst yet.  Every time I see food I’m scared of failure.

-          My potassium levels are scaring the bejevus outta me to the point I’m afraid to get my heart rate up at all.  It’s serious enough that they want to do infusions now!  WTF!!!

-          My hair is falling out and there’s nothing I can do about it, but embrace it….yeah right embrace my impending baldness!

-          I don’t fit into hardly any of my massive amounts of clothes anymore…sure some would be happy about this…but me, I want to cry cause I only have clothes that make me look more of a hot mess than I already am.

-          I was offered a promotion at work only to have it given to someone else because my boss feared people would accuse him of favoritism…are you f'ing kidding me?!?!

I want my I don’t give a shit attitude back.  I miss it.  Emotions freaking suck and blow fat whale ass.

Am I alone in all this craziness of mixed emotions that I can’t tell up from down?  I sure as hell hope not cause that would mean I’m actually looney! 

I’m a week away from my 2 month mark.  Although my progress thus far has been great, I can’t wrap my head completely around the stall I’m going through.  I have so many internal struggles currently and am trying to figure them out.  I can eat anything I want to and I hate that.  I am trying to stick to my healthy choices and protein first, but it’s not always that easy.  I would post this in the VSG forum, but I’m sure I’d get backlash for having such a major surgery and not sticking to the program like I’m supposed to.  Although this is easier than before surgery, it’s not EASY by a long shot.  I know how to make this work, but I miss my favorite snacks.  I am a carb addict and I want my carbs.  I think for the first time in my life I understand (minimally) what an alcoholic or drug addict goes through.  When I indulge in bread or crackers or cookies I get a sensation of satisfaction that fills my body.  Every crunch is tantalizing and every taste is stimulating…yep I’m an addict.  Maybe I do get some kind of high out of carbs that I never realized I did.  Well, enough about crackers and cookies because now I’m going to shove salmon in my face at 9am so that I don’t go to the vending machine and get cheeze its. 

As for my progress thus far:

My labs suck to high hell!  I was horrible at taking pills before surgery and am even worse now that I can’t use soda.  ***News Flash this just in.  While writing this I decided to take my Potassium and Actigal (pills the size of my head).  I put the whole capsule in applesauce and swallowed it without a problem!  AMEN!!!! We now return to our regularly scheduled rant***

                                                Normal Ranges                 My Values

Potassium                           3.5 – 5.2                                     3

Iron                                        65 – 150                                     27

B1                                           66.5 – 200                                 57

B12                                         200 – 600                                 236

D                                             25 – 130                                   27.2                    

Vitamin K – Potassium

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Coenzyme for a vitamin K-dependent carboxylase

       Blood coagulation

       Bone metabolism

Vitamin K is essential for:

       the formation of prothrombin (a blood clotting biochemical),

       the calcification and mineralization of bones, and

       assisting in converting glucose to glycogen.

Vitamin B1

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Co-enzyme in energy metabolism

       Co-enzyme for pentose metabolism as a basis for nucleic acids

       Nerve impulse conduction and muscle action

Vitamin B1 is important for:

       detoxification;

       heart function;

       improving the mental state;

       promoting growth;

       toning muscles of the intestines, stomach, and heart; and

       the overall health of the nervous system.

Vitamin B12

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Essential growth factor

       Formation of blood cells and nerve sheaths

       Regeneration of folic acid

       Coenzyme-function in the intermediary metabolism, especially in cells of the nervous tissue, bone marrow and gastrointestinal tract

Vitamin B12 is necessary for:

       stimulating RNA synthesis in nerve cells,

       strengthening neurotransmitters, and increasing concentration and memory,

       myelin formation (the covering around the nerve cells),

       protecting arteries in the brain by metabolizing homocysteine,

       nervous system health,

       growth and development,

       the production of red blood cells,

       healthy digestive function, and

       detoxifying cyanide from foods and tobacco smoke.

Iron

Iron is an essential for:

the formation of hemoglobin and certain enzymes,

many proteins and enzymes that maintain good health,

transporting oxygen in the blood to all parts of the body,

many metabolic reactions and the regulation of cell growth and differentiation,

immune activity,

proper functioning of the liver, and

protection against the actions of free radicals.

Vitamin D

Main functions in a nutshell:

Regulation of calcium and phosphate blood levels

Bone mineralisation

Control of cell proliferation and differentiation

Modulation of immune system

Vitamin D is involved in:

mineral metabolism and bone growth;

the intestinal absorption and metabolism of calcium;

the absorption of phosphate, zinc, iron, magnesium and other minerals;

the absorption of vitamin A; and

proper kidney function.

My new vitamin regimen is crazy to say the least, but I’d rather not die over taking some pills, so I will be taking them.  Please note**My vitamin deficiencies are NOT because of VSG.  I was deficient before surgery in most of those areas.  If I was taking my vitamins after surgery as directed, I wouldn’t currently be deficient in any of them. 

Now what you’ve been waiting for…the NUMBERS:

Today I weighed in at 243lbs…super depressing to be at 244 for 3 weeks (stall)

However, along the way I have kept measurements to lift my spirits when the scale couldn’t.  In the past 2 weeks alone…I have lost 5 inches and 23 total!

HW: 286

SW: 269

7 wks post op: 243

TWL: 43

POL: 26lbs = 3.7lbs loss per week since surgery (pretty freaking good)

These are my stats from pre op through today - 3 weeks post op

                      Begining       3 weeks Post op               Difference in 5 months total
weight          286lbs          253lbs                                                    33lbs
neck             14.5in           14in                                                          .5 
arm              16in               15in                                                          1
bust              52in              49in                                                          3
waist            44.5in           44.5in                                                       0
hips              57.75in        55.5in                                                       2.25
thigh            29.25in         28.5in                                                       .75
calf              18in               16.5in                                                        1.5
forearm      10in                10in                                                           0

Total inches lost: 9inches
Total lbs lost since surgery: 13lbs