ObesityHelp

no more weighing
Current mood: annoyed

I have decided I am not weighing myself for the next 2 weeks.  I go back to the doctors may 15, and I will get weighed there.  I am so frustrated that my weight is not moving.  I have been getting TONS of exercise and eating well.  WTF????  I know this is normal, I know it will move again... but I cant help but to be cranky about it.  Hubby was very sweet about it, he even had some good insight as to why it may be happening. 

On the bright side of things... We biked 5 miles together as  family.  It was so much fun.  I could see the happiness beaming from Zach's little face.  He said some cute things as well that lifted my funky mood.  He was surprised that I could go fast on my bike.  I think he was surprised that I could even ride a bike! 

6:40 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Just for fun

This has been a fabulous weekend.  Yesterday my son and I got lots of exercise first thing in the morning.  We went up to the top of our road and he rode his bike while I walked and jogged.  I feel great setting a good example for him.  Later the same day we hit the Rail Trail as a family.  Hubby and Zach rode bikes and I walked / jogged.  I really want a bike so we can all do that together.  The trail is flat and smooth, so it is a great place for me to start. 

Today I took the train into NYC with my friend Lisa.  We had a blast!  We did tons of walking and my feet did not even hurt!!!  I was so proud of us for navigating ourselves to all the places we wanted to go.  Times Square was fun for Lisa, cause she has not been.  We checked out American Girl.  She is going to give her daughter a trip there to get a doll for her 8th birthday, so we scoped the place out.  We went to Toys R US, just so she could see it.  We went to Build a Bear and I picked up an "I Love NY " shirt and boxers for Zach's bear.  Later we took the subway to Canal Street and got some fun stuff there.  I even got a matching shirt for Zach so he and his bear can match.   We got some cute things, ate Vietnamese food, and had a ball!  I would have never been able to do all this walking carrying all the extra weight. 

The funniest thing of the day was a call from my Mom.  She says she was SOOOOO worried about me going to the city... cause its soooo dangerous.  Umm, she's the one who took me there a few weeks ago to get purses.  She says "oh, well I never went there at your age"  Like I am a teen... duh, she worked there when she was younger than me... I am 34 for gods sake...WTF???   My sister went to college there, lived there and worked there until she moved to MO.  It was just a really funny moment. 

This was really a great weekend.  I plan on checking out bikes this week so next weekend we can ride as a family.  Target has a cool pink one that some of the procedes go to breast cancer research.  That's the one I really want.  We'll see. 

6:35 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

6 mile walk

Today I walked 6 miles on the Rail Trail in New Paltz.  I feel so great.  I would have never even tried to go that far 80lbs ago.  Snickers (doggie) came with me and I met Lisa and Carol at 8:am.  I had so much fun.  I will post a pic.  What a beautiful day... spring has finally sprung here in NY.  Life is changing, for the better.  My pants were falling down... time to toss some more "too big" stuff.  (well, donate)  I remember buying these pants years ago after losing 50lbs... they fit for like a minute before being to tight because I started gaining.  Now, they're HUGE.  I am sort of attatched to them, cause they were my first "old navy" pants.  Now, not only can I wear Old Navy, but many other stores.  So many more choices when you are not tied to Lane Bryant, Avenue and the such. 

Yippeee...

This was a long hard week.  Michelle had a scare that she handled so well, Zach was sick, and Two of my friends lost loved ones this week.  It just reminds me to enjoy life.. and as per my sister's page... not take life too seriously... it is not permanent!

10:57 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Taking control of my life
Current mood: determined
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I am usually good at changing the things in life that piss me off.  I am not the kind of person who complains about things, but won't do what I can to make them better.  Now I find myself unhappy with the way things are going.  As I look to the future, I realize that I need to make some changes.  Soooo, I plan to go to school... yup, thats right folks... I said school.  I want to be able work while Zach is in school doing something more than customer service and phone stuff.  (basically cause that pays crap)  I no longer want to do childcare.  I love children, and I am so glad that watching other people's children allowed me to bring my son to work with me.  The plan is to go to school so I will be trained for something.  What? you ask.... good friggin question.  I am thinking something in the medical field... There are a bunch of classes offered at our local BOCES that have you certrified for something pretty quick.  They even have a nursing program.  I'm going to go and see what they offer and sign up.  It's time for a change... It's in my hands to do something.  

On a happy note... I got on the scale today... (drumroll, please.....) 189!  I am 81lbs down from my highest weight... and 57ish since surgery.  Yippeeee

To any of my skinny friends... this sounds HUGE, But for me I am the smallest I have been since teen years. 

2:04 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

a teary day at work

Usually I feel like I am lucky.  I get to bring my son to work with me.  I watch 2 kids after school until their parents come home.  For the most part it's a great job.  The hard part is when my little boy is being treated badly by their little guy.  Today was bad.  He was just bossy and mean to Zach, and I tried to stay out of it.  Finally, I told Zach he had to stop playing plastation and come help me with dinner.  After dinner I let him go back for a little while, but the same thing was happening so I asked Zach to come up with me and play up there.  Robert would not let him play with the legos downstairs, so I found some upstairs and gave them to use while I helped Leigh with her hair.  Now robert comes up and dominates the legos Zach has.  Now I have 2 crying, fighting TIRED little boys and my nerves are shot.  This is what their dad came home to at 8:30 at night,,, tears. 

Now that you are bored to tears, the point I guess is that I am feeling guilty that I have him with me.  I think I need to find a regular job again while Zach is at school and be able to be home after with him.

On a better note... We are planning a trip to Las Vegas!!!  I am trying really hard to reconnect with Ken.  I got a deal through one of those time share things and all we have to pay for is our air fare.  The package includes renewing our vows and some other neat stuff.  This year marks 13 years of marriage.  It's hard work... sometimes I wonder if it is supposed to be this hard.  But most good things are not easy. 

6:12 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

I'm better today
Current mood: determined

I'm better today.  I realize that happiness comes from within.  It is not anyone elses job to make me happy but my own.  In Ken's defense, he has loved me and thought I am beautiful no matter what my size.  He loves me for who I am.  What more could I ask for than that?  I am open and always tell him how I feel.  Communication has never been easy for him.  In fact, he knows he sucks at it.  I think it effects his career and personal life.  Me, I can communicate!  I don't keep anything bottled up.  I say it like it is with him.  Maybe we balance each other out that way.  So in effort to create a better relationship I am going to take action and divise a plan.  Date night once a month, just us.  We tried going out with other couples, but we did not connect at all.  He did his thing and I did mine.  Maybe that's O.K., but it did not serve the purpose of reconnecting.  I am trying to plan a weekend getaway, and if money is such that we cannot afford one, we'll have a weekend at home, alone.  More family time... right now we don't get alot of family time together.  Zach is with me or him but not all of us together.  The weather should warm up soon. ( we just got 16" of snow, so we'll see)  Maybe a once a month day trip to different places.  We have not taken Zach to the Bronx Zoo, Central Park Zoo,  and there are a slew of museums and stuff that we could go to.  Zach loves NYC, so just going there is a fun family day.  So I think having a plan and deciding to work on my marriage and family is a must.  I have changed a bit, I realize that.  Maybe with a little help, he can change too.

8:13 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

venting...
Current mood: indescribable

I just came home from a party for a friend's 40th birthday.  She is also post op roux en y.  Her life has changed as many of my wls friends.  I had a wonderful time with people that I truely feel understand me and support me.  I dont get the same support at home.  I know that Ken loves me.  He just does not show any emotion about the changes that I am going through.  No compliments, no encouragement, nothing.  I feel emotionally starved.  Even the times that I am physically sick, nothing.  I have been trying to be O.K. with this, telling myself that this is just the way he is and I should accept it.  I want to be happy, and for the most part I am.  I am open with him and tell him how I feel.  I get nothing.  I told him lets pretend we are dating, and even plan a "date" night with some other friends. (as the thought of sitting alone on a date with nothing to say to each other is not so fun)  We go out and hang out sepparately...   I keep trying to communicate how I feel, but I feel that I am talking to a wall.  He is a good man, a wonderful father, just a good person in general.  Why am I feeling this way.  It makes me feel like a bad person to put this down in my blog, but I need to get it out somewhere. 

6:54 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

UNDER 200 LBs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the first time in my entire adult life I weigh under 200 lbs!!!!!!  I must have gotten on the scale 17 times this morning moving it all over the floor to make sure it was not a mistake.  I know it may flux up and down before it stays there, but this is the first time I have seen a 1 as the fist number since my teenage years!  198 was the number.  Though some may be mortified if they weighed this number, I am absolutely thrilled. 

Happy happy joy joy.... you know the tune... sing along with me!

2:30 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

question of the day (from C2L support group)

I belong to a support group of people in various stages of weight loss.  Choose 2 Loose is our group and we have a message board on Yahoo.  People post various things for others to respond to.  Today I was asked "how are you blessed?"  People were encouraged to post their answer  to the question.  This is copied and pasted from the board, my answer to the question.

6:38 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

winter fun

I went sleigh riding today with Zach and the kids I watch.  I went down the hill so many times without getting tired walking back up.  I shoveled my driveway at home and we made snow frogs.  (instead of snow men)  I felt so full of energy.  Usually I would have been WAY too tired after shoveling to "play"!  Zack was soooo funny, while making the snow frogs...(we started out making snow men, dont ask!)  Zack out of nowhere says "I know how to make babies..."  There was a long silence and then I started laughing my tush off!   He had made baby snow men at school....  it was a histerical moment!

4:12 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

winter fun

I went sleigh riding today with Zach and the kids I watch.  I went down the hill so many times without getting tired walking back up.  I shoveled my driveway at home and we made snow frogs.  (instead of snow men)  I felt so full of energy.  Usually I would have been WAY too tired after shoveling to "play"!  Zack was soooo funny, while making the snow frogs...(we started out making snow men, dont ask!)  Zack out of nowhere says "I know how to make babies..."  There was a long silence and then I started laughing my tush off!   He had made baby snow men at school....  it was a histerical moment!

4:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

A fun day... with bargains!

Today was a nice day.  Someone I had not seen in a while was really excited about how different I looked.  I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.  Zach had fun playing with his cousins (close family friends) and I enjoyed hitting some clearance racks.  I got a few tops for $6.99 each at Lane Bryant.  I am now in the smallest size there!  One top is kinda sexy and not something I would ever wear, but I knew Ken would love it.  It is really pretty fabric and looked cute on.  I got one of those little sweater thingings (i am sooo fashion challenged) you know, the ones that cover your shoulders... to cover up a bit.  I also splurged and bought a friggin sweater as all of mine are HUGE!  I have been wearing my 26-28 sweaters to keep warm, but they look like I am wearing someone elses clothes.  I gave most of my too big stuff away, except for some fleece and sweaters out of need. 

I feel so good!  I can run and skip with Zach!  He is awsome to go shopping with... He totally tells me if something looks good or bad.  (he is usually right!)

I got a ring guard put on my wedding rings so I can wear them again.  That makes me really happy. 

4:33 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

MY HEAD IS STILL HUNGRY!!!

OK... even when the body is not physically hungry.... the head still wants food.  I have been sick all day.  I ate a piece of cold cut lunch meat (thin slice of roast beef)  That was lunchtime.  It's now friggin 9:15pm.  It is stuck or something.  I am not even keeping liquids down.  I still look foward to eating.   I missed the entire day!   I wonder at what point I should panic.  Hopefully by morning I will be OK.   Barfing is no fun!  I hope this does not happen when I go to Florida...

6:10 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

venting
Current mood: aggravated

I am at work today.  The kids have off again due to snow.  I just found out the kids I watch are off tomorrow... Zach has school.  ERRRRR and they are off Monday.  Oh, and they're fighting!!!  Oh my!  My patients are at an all time low.  I missed the gym since they are home, and now wont be able to go tomorrow or Monday as well.  I realize how much exercising effects my mood.  (boy i'm in a bad one today)  Not to bitch about ken, but I need to.  The man did nothing nice for me for valentines.  He even did not clear off my car.  He left for work this morning basically telling me he had no idea how i was going to get out.  I did laundry all day yesterday and hung the clothes to dry since we still dont have a working dryer... I cooked meals for him and Zach and I packed his lunch this morning.  I even went out before the storm to buy goodies that I cant eat for Zach and him.  I guess this is stupid.  Why am I upset.  I would have been mad if he spent too much on anything, I hate his taste in jewlery... but I did tell him outright that I need a ring guard for my wedding rings so I can wear them.  And the man can see that my pjs are HUGE on me to the point of the pants falling off.  ( i guess he sees that as a benefit )  Surely he could have done something nice for me.  He never does anything for birthday, xmas or valentines.  I get a card for our anniversary.  They should have husband  classes to give them a clue.  ugh.... rant over...

7:08 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

compliments

I have suddenly having a hard time with compliments.  In the beginning I was ok with them, but now I am starting to feel uncomfortable and I don't know why.   I used to feel invisible.  I would go places and feel what I know as normal.  No one would look at me and I could go about my day and what ever I was doing.  I never wore makeup unless for a special event or going out.   I never really cared what I looked like, just that I am comfortable.  I guess I am not used to some of the attention that is comming my way.  And getting noticed by friends or people in general is weird and unfamiliar, and nice at the same time.   Not getting noticed by Ken is even more weird.  I guess he does not know what to say, so he says nothing. 

On a positive note, or note to sister....

I am wearing the brown shearling coat you gave me!!! I LOVE IT!!! It's so toasty warm!  YIPEEEEE

8:24 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

having a fat day

So today I did not go to the gym because Zach had a 2 hour dealy due to snow,  I had to go to work and drive the kids to school.  I feel like I ate pretty well, but whenever I have a day that nothing bothers me I wonder of my old habits could creap back.  It's cold, so I guess the bulky clothes are making me feel fat as well.  I'm so scared that I could make this not work,  Oh well, just needed to vent.  Providing there is no delay in the morning, I will be back at the gym.  I feel so much better on the days that I exercise. 

things are changing

Today I went through my closet and got rid of bags of clothes.  Almost every pair of pants I own are way too big.  All of my dressy clothes and some favorite outfits all given to friends that are on the same journey as I am.  All the other times I have lost weight, I have been reluctant to donate all of my fat clothes, just in case.  This time I feel confident they can go.  My biggest clothes were womans plus size 26-28.   Womans sizing is so weird.  I am wearing size 20 now, but I went shopping and bought 2 pairs of size 16 jeans.  I know I am not really a 16, but it still felt so good to buy that size.  I also got some size 18 tops.  I have not worn a 16 at all in my adult life.  Very strange!  I feel so much better when I wear clothes that fit me, rather than hang off of me.  Today I met friends for lunch and I tried on a coat my sis sent (thanks Mickey!)... I had tried it on last Sunday and could not button it.  I wore it today, buttoned up all but the bottom button!!  I felt so pretty in it.  I could never find really fun, age appropriate (not matronly) plus size coats and clothes.  Why do they think if your fat you should dress like a moron???  I always felt like I looked older than I really am.  I really hated that feeling... Now I don't feel that way.  I bought a few staple pieces that fit.  I shopped with my sisters "rules" in mind.  She is so my personal Stacey and Clinton!  Now I just have to find a Nick and Carmondy to help me out!  I will post some pics from our lunch today... I told my friends I had to have a pic of me in Michelle's coat so I can show her!

6:35 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

First post op visit

I had my first post op visit Wednesday.  I was 264 in October at my primary doctors, I was 246 the day of surgery... I was 226 yesterday!!!  I am down 20 pounds since surgery.  It's still hard to see, but people are telling me they see it in my face.  I feel good and after what I went through I am most thankful for that.  I was advanced to mushy foods though I am not hungry so it is not as exciting as you would think.  I tried to eat some scrambled egg last night, but I was rushed.  (I was at work)  Oh, well... lesson 1 learned... EAT REALLY SLOW!!   (the eggs came back up)  This is a learning process.  A lifetime of habits is going to take time to be rid of.  I have to really pay attention to bite size and slowing down.  I do best when I am eating with friends.