August 2008:  242 pounds, size 18/20 clothes.  Small gold chain around neck too! 


August 2007: 342 pounds, size 32 dress.  No neck in sight.



It's the eve of my anniversary & I can't wait to read my old pages to see how far I have come in one whole year after WLS. My BMI is 35.8 now. 

I chuckle at those things that scared me last year, those ideas that plagued me, and "fat" habits that defined my limitations.  I look back and see the PRISON I made for myself.  

Today, I am a completely new person.  I just don't think or even DREAM like I used to!!!!!   I am so blessed to be here in this new physical condition.  I am inspired again to continue on this journey to lose the last 100 pounds!!!!!!!!!

In church last Sunday, my daughter reached down to help me up by my elbow.  I started to "snap her up" but I understand, old habits die hard.  If she wants to help me up, ..., ok.  But praise God, it's only a courtesy & not a necessity.

Things have been extremely slow.  I stopped losing weight in the last few months, but I am not deterred from my task of completing this journey.  I am taking the 5 day pouch test & have re-started my food diary.   I was eating too many carbs, etc.  But dear diary, I'm BACK!!!

 

I am pleased to report;

 

1.       I wear size 18 tops and size 20 dresses/pants.  I can wear jewelry around my neck now that I have one again.  My shoulder blades showed up a few months back too.  After my rotary-cuff repair surgery to the left arm, I can sleep on either side w/o pain/numbness from the excessive weight on my arms.

2.       My foot is smaller.  I think I need one size smaller soon.

3.       When I enter a room, that’s it.  Nothing special.  I blend in.  Sweet…..,

4.       I went to my grandmother’s funeral.  In her honor, I determined to dress my best!  Make-up, wig, power suit, etc.  No one recognized me including my siblings & my own father!  They wondered who was that good looking “chick” over there.  After much discussion, my brother walked over & wasn’t sure until I open my mouth!!!    Praise God!!!!

5.       I walk & stand to do everything, for as long as I want/need…, until I get tired (not until my back hurts or my knee buckles or until I can catch my breath).

 

Last year, I promised to review my list of things I hoped to be missing.  Here’s my report as of August 2008!! MANY OF THESE GOALS HAVE BEEN CONQUERED/COMPLETED AS NOTED.  I ACTUALLY HAD FUN GOING OVER THE LIST.  IT WAS NOT FUN AT ALL WHEN I FIRST MADE THIS LIST.

 

1. I'll really miss being called "Maam" by some middle-aged man at the store because I look so old & crippled from carrying all that weight that he thinks I need his pity.   I don't need it! (TASK COMPLETED – I LOOK GOOD GIRL.  I LOOK NORMAL.  I BLEND IN.)

2. I’ll miss being mistaken for my 37 yr old sister's mother. This has happened so often I don't even bother to protest.  (NOT ABLE TO JUDGE YET, BUT MY ABY SISTER IS WORRIED THAT I MAY WEIGH LESS THAN SHE…, WOMEN ARE SOOOOO JEALOUS LOL))

3. I'll mss walking into a regular size clothing store and having the sales person say, "There's a plus size store in this mall too".  I always remind them that I'm shopping for my sisters or daughters.  (SURPRISE!!! I HAVE NOT REALLY BEEN SHOPPING YET.  PEOPLE GAVE ME A SET OF TRANSITION CLOTHING.  I ALSO HAVE SMALLER SIZES IN MY CLOSET TO USE UP WHILE I STILL CAN!  BUT I WILL SAY THIS.  I CAN WEAR CLOTHES THAT I COULD NOT GET INTO OVER FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!!  WHEN I GO TO THE CLOSET TO DRESS, I HAVE THE TROUBLE OF TRYING TO FIND STUFF THAT’S NOT FALLING OFF MY WAIST/SHOULDERS, ETC. .  PRAISE GOD PRAISE GOD.  SO I’M FINANCIALLY BROKE.  I’LL PROMISE TO SHOP THIS XMAS & GET MYSELF SOME NICE STUFF SINCE I NOW DON’T HAVE A REAL WINTER COLLECTION/COAT)

4. I will miss going out in public and have people stare because I'm not human looking.  (COMPLETED)

5. I'll miss not being able to fully reach my butt to wipe it clean.  I sit on the toilet, sit on my hand to hold it in place as I wiggle my arm further under me to wipe with toilet paper.  Yea, I’ll really miss that one.  (HONEY, I CAN REACH IT, WIPE IT, AND EVEN PLAY WITH IT, LOL!!!!!)

6. How about this one, I'll miss going out to eat in a restaurant and having silence engulfs the room as you lift your fork to your mouth ...."Oh my bad, that’s right I'm not supposed to eat.  Certainly I'll burst open this time - watch!"  (I’M BLENDING, BLENDING, BLENDING.  BUT BECAUSE OF BEING SO LOW ON CASH, I DON’T GET TO GO OUT MUCH ANYMORE.  SO IT’S ALL GOOD.  OH, I ALMOST FORGOT, I DON’T HAVE TO ASK FOR ANY SPECIAL SEATING SINCE I FIT “ANYWHERE” NOW.)

7. I’ll miss having my shorts wedged in places that most would never venture and there's no polite way of removing it.   (COMPLETED)
I'll miss the inner thigh rubs that were so intense that I could light a grill with the sparks. Really gonna miss that burning sensation a lot.  (COMPLETED. THE THIGHS ARE SOMEWHAT SMALLER NOW.  BUT THEY ARE QUITE FLABBY.  THIS IS DEFINITYLY AN AREA ON MY BODY WHERE I MUST LOSE MANY MORE POUNDS.  MAYBE NEXT YEAR, I’LL HAVE LOST ALL OF THE WEIGHT.  PERHAPS I’LL HIT THE LOTTERY TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY DONE ON THE GUT & THIGHS.

8. I'll miss not being able to lift my right leg high enough to get in/out of cars, ride a bike, or meet the next rise on the stairs.  (COMPLETED.  I NOW KNOW IT OSTERIOARTHERITICS.  I’VE LEARNED HOW TO WORK WITH THAT RIGHT KNEE.  I CAN GET IN/OUT OF CARS ON EITHER SIDE.  I HAVE A STATIONARY BIKE TO EXERCISE THE KNEE.)

9. I'll miss getting "winded” as you walk. I always pretend not to be so tired when out with husband because I embarrass him so..., Too bad for him lol.  (COMPLETED.  NO WIND! LOL.  I CAN OUT PACE THE HUBBIE TOO.)

10. I'll miss being the only fully clothed woman on the beach.  I really thought wearing a full dress would hide me.   I'll miss the stares of the many women who were looking at me like I had some disease that they didn't want to catch.  I'll miss the husband and boyfriend stares saying,”You better not ever look like that." 

(I AIN’T BEEN BACK TO THE BEACH.  NOT YET.   SO I MUST HOLD THIS ONE AS INCOMPLETE.  BUT I’M GETTING THERE!)

11.  I'll miss having only two seats in the entire house I feel safe to sit in. One is the raised toilet seat and the other is a wheeled office chair.   I never sit in the living room because I can't get out of the chairs. The dining room is too delicate; I've already broken the arms on one chair.  The kitchen chairs are too low, causing my legs to go numb.  In front of the worst people in the world - my husband's family, I fell out/collapsed an outside plastic lawn chair!  I'll really miss that.  (COMPLETED I CAN SIT IN THE KITCHEN, I CAN SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM, YES, AND I CAN SIT IN THE LIVNG ROOM CHAIR TOO.  I’M TOO SMART TO SIT IN THOSE CHEAP PLASTIC OUTSIDE CHAIRS MY HUSBAND BROUGHT!  Sitting incorrectly still causes my feet to swell, but now I know better.  I practice sitting correctly.   I STRUGGLE WITH SITTING ON THE STEP, BUT I CAN DO IT AS I HOLD ON TO THE RAILING FOR  “GET-UP” SUPPORT.  BY THE WAY, I NEVER USE MY CANE ANYMORE.)

12.  I'll miss not being able to get in/out of my pool because I can't climb the 250 pound weight limit stairs.  (COMPLETED!!!  Girl I can really climb in/out of my pool w/o fear of breaking the ladder or getting stuck inside the pool lol!!!)

13.  I'll miss being invisible around my husband's friends.  Mainly because I won't be there with my skinny self LOL!!!!!!! (COMPLETED – NOW I COULD CARE LESS WHAT MY HUSBAND THINKS AND/OR HIS FRIENDS AND/OR HIS FAMILY.  I SIMPLY DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO SOCALIZE WITH THEM.  THEY JUST SIT & EAT.  I CAN STAY HOME TO DO THAT!)

14.  I'll miss praying on the toilet because I can't get down on my knees. (INCOMPLETE.  SINCE I KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE WITH MY RIGHT KNEE IS, I HAVE NOT TRIED TO GET DOWN REGULARLY.  SO THIS GOAL WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE MET UNTIL I GET THE KNEE REPLACEMENT.)

15. I'll miss not seeing my vagina area (and my toes) unless it's reflected in a mirror.  (INCOMPLETE – IT FEELS BETTER, MORE ROOM, BUT I STILL CAN’T SEE IT W/O HELP. 

16.  I'll miss being completely fashion-less.  At my size (32), I'm only concerned with what fits. (COMPLETE - I AM CONCERNED WITH HOW I LOOK. I’M PLANNING OUT MY NEW STYLE THIS XMAS.  I’VE COME A LONG WAY FROM SIZE 32.  I HOPE TO BE SIZE 16 BY XMAS.)  

17.  I'll miss driving all the time because I don't fit on the passenger side.  (COMPLETED – I FIT I FIT!)

18.  I'll miss asking/begging/pleading my family for help me in a "need" because I can't walk, carry a load, or fit into places of the house to get chores done.  (I'll be glad to be rid of them all ASAP.)  (COMPLETED – I DON’T ASK AS MUCH AS BEFORE.  I WASH MY CLOTHES, FOOD SHOP, WASH DISHES, ETC.)

19. I'll miss being retired and alone, sitting at home waiting for a shoe, any shoe to drop because I don't have the strength to carry this tremendous weight around and escape outside the front door.  (WEIRD – I STILL DON’T VENTURE OUT LIKE I SHOULD.  I’VE JOINED CHURCH AGAIN, BUT I STILL NEED TO GET OUT & SEE LIFE.  IT’S BEEN REALLY HARD W/O SOME MONEY.)

20.  I'll miss watching my garden any world from my window because I can't participate in it. (COMPLETED – CHILDDDDDDDDDDD,  I’M GARDENING & FARMING.  AFTER MY MAY SURGERY TO REPAIR MY LEFT ARM, I GOT A LATE START. BUT I THINK I SHOULD GET A FEW ITEMS.  TOMATOES ARE DOING GREAT!  SQUASH, COLLARD, & CABBAGE LOOK GOOD TOO.  I ALSO PLANTED SOME COLLARD, KALE, CHARD, SPINACH, PUMPKIN, WATERMELON, CUCUMBERS, MUSTARD, STRING BEANS, AND HERBS.)

Boy!  I can't wait to go over this list next year! (GOD WILLING, IN 2009.)

 

 

 

I started at 342 and now claim 242 for a lost of 100 pounds.  Not much body changes as I can tell. still wearing same clothes as before.    Things have been really slow in recent months.  I have had some side issues, but I'm quickly getting better.

1. I'm six weeks out of left arm surgery: rotary cuff repair & 3 torn ligaments in same shoulder.  I can use the arm to walk now.  Physical therapy should continue help in full recovery by end of summer.
2. back pain is almost completely gone.  long range-faster pace walking is VERY possible.
3. physical therapy for knees was also great.  I am now walking down the  stairs & getting up from chairs easier.  Knee replacement is recommended but I will not get it for a number of years.  As I lose more weight, the knees will get some more relief.
4. Cholesterol levels are better & I am scheduled to stop taking this med by end of summer.

July, I have been cleared to resume daily walking.  I plan to start cycling too now that I can use that right knee.  I like going to Allen Pond in Bowie, for early morning strolls around the pond with the ducks.  I'm taking the grandson with me so that we can also play on the playground.

i'M SURPRISED TO FIND MYSELF WRITING TODAY, dear diary.  I've been walking around like i might break into a thousand glass pieces.   My grandmother died LAST week, May 2, 2008.  She was 97.  I cry off & on because I was one of her care givers  in recent years.  (when I was younger, I really didn't care about her & rarely visited, but I know through my momma, that she asked about me often.)  So when my momma was dying & finally died, there was no one there to devote time to Lucille.   Lucille taught me many things.   So I've been thinking..., thinking, and missing her.   She shared her joy with me.  she was kind to the undeserving.  she exercised & was determined to LIVE.  She prayed for me alot.  I think I got more out the relationship than she ever got from me.  so i'll miss her greatly.  So today, I did the important.  I darned a hole in my grandsin's pants and walked through my forest/garden.

so dear diary, if you didn't know her, consider yourself at a great lost.  I just didn't think she might ever die.

Hey yall !! 

Guess what happened when I was taking my Friday nite bath?  I crossed my legs - at the knees, first the right and then the left.

It all started with my prep for one of those long soakers.  I was still worried that I might not be able to get out of the tub (bad left shoulder & very bad right knee with a messed up right hip).  But after landing safely, thought I'd slip down to soak my back!  

Well, well, well !!! 

While in that position, I found myself tossing the old legs up in the air against the shower wall for support as I sank down under the water.  Then they just CROSSED - all by themselves.   I actually had to study them to be certain that they were in fact, MY LEGS that had CROSSED at the knee.  I even checked to see if I had "company" in this little tub.  No, I was alone for sure.

Maybe, I had cheated.  Afterall, I had covered them with a soapy lather, giving the legs an unfair advantage. But I decided, no matter!!!! I'll claim it nevertheless!   I had indeed crossed my legs - first the right and then left.

So....., after my bath, I thought I'd try it again on dry land.  

I sat on the side of my bed. I tried to cross the "dry" legs.  With a huff & a puff, I threw up one leg into the air.  It slipped into place over the opposite knee...., Then I undid the first leg so that I could do the same with the other one.   It wasn't graceful and it certainly wasn't very comfortable, but it WAS accomplished.

Ahhhhh,

I had crossed them both again..., first the right and then the left.


Joy...., 

Now that I think about it, the same thing happened at the movies. You know, the legs acting on their own....,

(I normally go early on Mondays when there's almost no other person there. I pack a wholesome lunch & drink to enjoy any seat in the joint.)  

As I sat on the first row, I lifted my legs and hung them over the railing in front of me (one leg at a time of course).  I was so surprised at myself because I would never have thought such behavior to be "proper".  But I was restless and again, the leg just landed up on the railing by itself because it was stiff and needed to stretch a little.   But let me tell you this, the legs had been perched high on the railing for almost an hour before I realized that I had done the IMPOSSIBLE.  I guess I thought they were some other person's legs (LOL).
It felt really great to be so comfortable.  I write about it because I don't want to take ANY of this for granted.  It's really quite wonderful.  
Praise God.

"being morbidly obese for so long is that eventually you get so used to this "Lifestyle" that you've adopted; and excepting the limitations becomes second nature and you forget  all about the life that you are not living"


Wow! it's hard to believe that I am 6 months out.  Praise God!

I know  that the above statement is becoming less & less of how I think each day, but I still want to use it for a while so that I don't forget what it's like to be hopelessly stuck on "FAT".   

Well hello dear diary.  I've missed you.   The last three months have found me coming into my own.   People in the public talk to me more.  I guess I'm  looking more "human" than before (smile).

February found me feeling better in general, but I have determined to take it easy this month.  I just don't want to hurt.  I'm not tired & I can walk almost endlessly.  Getting up and getting down into a chair is still very hard/painful because of the arthritis.  I can't sleep for more than 3 hours because of the extreme pain-arthritis in my left shoulder.  Walking is also very painful for my left shoulder, so I either wear a sling or tuck my hand into my shirt for shoulder support.


I'm seeing a doctor about this arthritis in my right knee, hip; my left knee; and most terribly in my left shoulder.  The pain has gotten alot worse since 8-21-07.  I don't know if there is a relationship, but I need to take action!

I weigh in at 265 pounds as of TODAY.  That's 77 pounds GONE FOREVER in 6 months.  I thank GOD for this wonderful gift.  I'll take it any way He pleases to give it to me.  Thank-you Lord. Amen

I did OK this month. 

Dear diary, my body is still changing/shifting.  My bottom half is slimmer.  I think I'll take some measurements soon.   By  "accident" , I sat in one of my armed dining room chairs.  I fit!  (Last year, my "larger" hips broke off the arm of the other poor chair.)  I'm fitting even better into some of my old clothes that were a little uncomfortable in November.  GOOD

I exercised on a regular basis.  I will change, however, for January.  I went too far.  I believe I should not have enrolled in low impact class because it was a very big struggle for me.  I'm just too out-of-shape still.  BUT!!!!!!!!!    I will be taking the class again, perhaps in the fall of 2008.  I plan to join the January swim class for seniors instead - should be lots of fun!

 I got to see a lot of old friends/relatives this holiday.  I was indeed blessed.  No New Year's declarations for me.  I'm living the promise now.

I still weigh 280 pounds.  I got on the scale a lot less this month even though I am on a BIG plateau.  I will re-institute my food diary this January.  I will walk more. 

Primary doctor is very happy with my progress & blood work results.  Although I keep my cane in one of the cars, I no longer look for it when venturing outside.  I still use the grocery cart support system and I seek out the special seats in the movies.  But I'm not using the cane!


I'm losing hair.  This is not good since I'm already extremely bare on the top of my head.  Oh well, I can accept this.

So, dear diary, I will see you again next month!  God willing, I'll write again.

Dear Sally (my nutritionist):

Wonderful Xmas party!  I love my present - hat LOL.

I'm doing better with the stomach-sick issue.  Taking the Prevacid helps.  I don't take it everyday. I guess I'll need to call for a prescription when I run out of the samples that dr. anez's staff gave me.  Or do you think, I'll get better & not need the medicine-Prevacid at all?

I got more tests results from primary doctor Amsel.  In his lab tests results, he noted that my cholesterol was getting a little low.  My LDL (bad cholesterol) is 46.  So I get to decrease my medicine for it.  GREAT! 

Amsel was very happy with the surgery, my weight loss of 60 lbs., and my overall diabetic-health improvements.  He said that I should continue to monitor my blood pressure & call if there are changes.  He expects that I may not need the medicine for high-blood pressure in the future.

Sally, as promised, I tread-mill walk 2 times a week.  I do 2 laps in about 15 minutes at each session.  (If there's a good looking man there, I can do even better -smile).  Te key is holding on to the railings for support.  I don't think I'm ready to try it again on the street.  Maybe next spring I'll go out to a real track.

I'm still struggling with my exercise class.  It's Low Impact Aerobics.   I keep moving even though I can barely perform the moves with the rest of the class.  Side steps/hops/skips still hurt the knees/hip.  My left arm/shoulder is still very sore too. BUT, I DO modifications and continue to move, march, walk to the beat of the music for a solid hour twice a week! 

Here's the concern:  I really don't want anyone's pity.  I really wish the others in the class would  just leave me alone.  I don't need/want special treatment/attention because I'm fat & can't keep-up with the group's steps.  (I marching to my own style since I can't do their steps.)  I just don't know how to re-direct them into leaving me alone.  I am perfectly content to work-out at my level, doing whatever I can.  I make it through the hour long class, working up a sweat and getting the use of my muscles. 

Any suggestions on what I can do/say just short of pissing-off my nosey class mates?

Yea, I get it..,  Don't forget about your life once lived...,

"being morbidly obese for so long is that eventually you get so used to this "Lifestyle" that you've adopted; and excepting the limitations becomes second nature and you forget about all the life that you are not living"


At my last visit to the doctor, my blood work turned out very good.  Only my vitamin D was a little low - GREAT!!!!!!!!!!  Even my blood pressure was lower!   WONDERFUL!!!!!!!  I look forward to the day when I can get off the blood pressure medicine.

I weigh in at 280 pounds as of TODAY.  That's 62 pounds GONE FOREVER in 3 months. 

FUNNY:   As a reward/celebration for the weight lost so far,  I went to Walmart to look at the clothes/shoes 11-23-07.  I thought it was best to check-in now since my sizes go quickly!!  I really wanted to buy something NICE.  Something that I would not typically select for myself.  I wanted to get a cute blouse/skirt/bra.  I tried on my normal sizes.  I was SO upset.  I looked a hot mess!  The long heavy skirt looked like a horse blanket.  The  bra cup was  a very poor fit too.  Even the blouse looked stupid.  I commented to myself  when I realized,  "That the stuff's too big for you honey.    WOW!"

My Top is down from a "C" cup to a "B" cup. I fit a size 18/20 blouse.  I got the size 22 skirt.  In august, I was wearing 4X-5X and size 32 skirts, size 26/28 blouses. 

Yes Virginia..., My body is taking shape. 

I am finished with the scale.  No more set weight-loss expectations & goals.   My goals will be about the ability to function as a person again.

I was weighing in everyday & worrying about it.  No matter how well I did, I was NOT SATISFIED!!!!!!!!!  I was scared that I would re-gain everything.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop on me. 

That's over.  I WILL lose weight, but my quality of living is where the real deal must rest!!!!!!!

This month, I've been planning my meals.  I planned thanksgiving & I enjoyed it.  When I eat incorrectly, I just don't worry about it.  I just GO ON!!!! If I miss an exercise session, I'll just pick-up at the next scheduled session - simple!

I'm planning my activities.  Yea, real activities.  I'm going to the movies.  I plan to go to theatre/shows this December!  I'm planning a December family trip to PA. I'm joining a new church - hopefully this December.

This November, I've been exercising - very slowly - but sure.   The weight machines actually make me feel better.   However,  I can walk 2 laps in 15 minutes (treadmill). As long as I "HOLD ON" to something, I can walk!!!  I've taken a couple of rotations on the bike.  Previously, my knee was too swollen/stiff to even mount the bike.  But just a couple of days ago, I was able to mount the bike and actually cycle a FEW minutes.

However, my aerobics class has been somewhat painful.  My upper arm strength is still extremely WEAK.  The class is low impact with small weights (optional).  I struggle with the moves, especially the hops.  I can't get down on the floor.  I can't flex my knees.  I can't rotate my left arm.    I have to stop to rest during the hour-long dancing/movement sessions.  At night, I have a lot of arm and knee pain.  Thank goodness it's only 2 times a week.   I hope it will get easier in December because I don't plan to stop the class.  

So dear diary, I am pleased with the fact that I'm moving in the right direction.  It's been YEARS since I've been able to actually look forward to waking in the morning to see any new body "IMPROVEMENTS".  This is an awesome adventure.  I thank God for this opportunity, this gift, my life back to me. 

When I was a little girl, my brother and I would spend summers in the country with my "Grannie Esther".  She was quite a character & always available for a funny event/story. 

Well, one day, my brother and I were seated at the table for dinner.  We children were eating our string beans.   Grannie (and my aunt) came to the table to watch us (city folk) eating.  Quietly, my grannie lay her chin on the table and said, " I put strings in your string beans."

To this day, I can't swallow those damm things.

POINT OF THE STORY:  In October, My nutritionist, commented that although I could eat anything, many foods that I eat now may not be tolerated later.  Up until that point, I was eating everything set before me.  No trouble, no queasy, no vomit, pure eating joy....,

After the CUPCAKE caper - October 31, 2007, (see the following story October 2007)  I ain't been able to get hardly anything down. 

I just KNOW it's the "string bean" syndrome again...., (smile)

"being morbidly obese for so long is that eventually you get so used to this "Lifestyle" that you've adopted; and excepting the limitations becomes second nature and you forget about all the life that you are not living" . 

 And yet, I STILL have trouble believing that I CAN lose weigh & look GOOD!!!                                                                                                                                                       I found myself trying on clothes given to me from a WLS friend.  These were strange items like jeans, jackets, sweaters, formal wear.   I suddenly looked in the mirror to recognize that I don't even look/dress/style like other Black women.  I don't even think about it.  I look a hot mess when I go outside.  I'm decent, but far from looking my age.  I never do my hair (what's the point).  I don't own any sexy shoes or a leather jacket.  I don't own a nice hat. 

The WLS clothes given to me where amazing.  I'm coming down in size & I want more!  As soon as I can wear heels again, I'm going SHOPPING for high heel boots, a leather jacket, and nice/sexy slacks/jeans!!!

I'm getting it.  It ain't about the scale.  It's about living and living more abundantly.