Barb H.

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Tomorrow is my second week anniversary.  I actually got to eat almost solid food today, but I think I have had too much of a variety because my stomach really hurt after my 3rd new food.  From now on, I'm planning to take it slower and not introduce so many different foods in one day.   

A friend of mine encouraged me to join the HMSAs Take It Off Hawaii program.  When I registered at the Kaiser office in Waimea, she took my BP and weighed me.  My BP was weird.  First, it was 103/36.  She changed arms and it was 92/79.  I asked her if I was really alive.  Just kidding.  It explains my light headedness and very low energy.  And oh, there the stress thing.  

But all is as well as it can be for now.  I keep reminding myself it could be worse.  Looks like we'll have to move to the mainland, assuming of course that we can find a job.  Otherwise, our new address will be Spencer Beach, 3rd tent on the right.  

This weekend has been interesting.  After the board president for the orchestra sent an eblast to our email list regarding the situation of Madeline's job, the volume of emails and calls the headmaster just may have influenced him to realize the errors of his ways.  There may be an acceptable resolution in sight.  The concert is this afternoon and my gut feeling is that there will be such an overwhelming show of support that there'll be no question to anyone how valued she is.  I expect it to be a fabulous concert.  If anyone is interested in more information, email me directly.  I just don't want certain information to show up in a google search.

I feel like I've turned a corner physically.  I finished the program on Friday for today's concert and once I got it sent to the printer, I sat back and felt like I could breath peacefully for the first time in a week and a half.  I feel as though I've continued to improve even the other stressers are still there.  

I guess I've been a bit cryptic in my blogs as to what's going on in my life.  The abbreviated version is that on the day I was released from the hospital, my partner, who teaches music at (what I formerly considered) a prestigious prep school on the Big Island, received an email from the headmaster indicating he was withdrawing her employment contract for next year.  The reason was simple: he wanted to replace her with a friend.  Not that my partner hadn't done an exemplary job or that she was less qualified than the friend.  Legally, he has every right because this school is an at will employer.  Because of her years of developing and expanding the music program to include instrumental classes which weren't previously offered, unless the friend can teach at least the basics of virtually every instrument in an orchestra or band, this part of the music program will cease to exist.  There's 5 years down the drain.  There is much more than this, but frankly, I'm kinda getting sick of thinking about it, ya know?  The good thing that's come out of it is that the community has rallied in an unprecedented way.  I shudder to think how many phone calls and emails the headmaster has received either questioning his decision (and sanity) or encouraging him to rescind his decision.  He's really between a rock and a hard place and if I wasn't so angry and bitter, I'd find his situation really funny.  So, here we are feeling so much love and support amongst so much panic about what is to come next.  And by the way, I'm recovering from major surgery.  I wouldn't have chosen this time to do it had I known.  Hind sight, ya know.  That 20-20 thing.

Thanks to all of you who've expressed your concern and support.  I am so appreciative of you.  

The good news is that I've lost almost 17 pounds between the pre- and post-op dieting.  One of my bras that I used to spill out of is almost gapping.  I don't mind losing in my boobs because the girls had gotten way too big, but I'm kinda hoping this trend will slow down and other areas of my body will start to shrink.

I've been so stressed about what has happened to Madeline.  I can't even go into details but I'm feeling bitter and angry  and just want to knock the shit out of someone (specific).  I've spent hours and hours finding possibilities for Madeline but a college professor usually has several more months to find a new position, not 1 or 2 at the most.  On the flip side of this is the knowledge that so many people have rallied around her in support.  The offending person has received many calls and emails questioning his decision, and the board of regents has also been included.  If we were in medieval times, I think folks would be standing outside his house with pitchforks and torches, and a pot of tar and bag of feathers standing by.  At this point in time, it's hard not knowing what's next.  Will we find a way to stay?  Will we be able to stay on island in a different capacity?  Will we end up on the mainland?  My eyes burn and I am depressed.  I'm also having regular pain in my right shoulder, I'm assuming is referred.  When I'm particularly stressed, it radiates up into my neck.  I know we'll get past all this and find peace and fulfillment.  And I'll be slim and healthy enough to really enjoy it.  Okay, I'll repeat the last 2 sentences 100 times.

My surgery went very well on Wednesday.  As promised, Dr. Z came through with flying colors with his cocktail.  In fact, I went under so fast, he joked with my partner that I was a cheap date.  The next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery.  And surprised to find myself there!  The only pain I had was up in my left shoulder which was from the gas.  Dr. Fowler repaired a hiatal hernia I didn't know about which was what was causing the GERD I'd been having.  I was able to be up and walking by that evening and even took a couple of strolls on my own early the next morning.  This was the best way to make the gas work it's way out.  My first sips of liquid went down okay but I found the warmer broth did better, probably because it was warm.  I was released mid afternoon and we went to our hotel in Honolulu.  By the time we got there, I was not doing as well, with all the jostling in the car and moving around more than I was used to.  Then that night, M. got an email from the boss saying her contract wasn't being renewed.  Between being vulnerable from the surgery and not on my anti-depressants at the moment, I kinda freaked out, which freaked me out even more because I was afraid of my incisions busting open.  So we made it through the night and I had my follow up with Dr. Fowler the next day and got a green light to go home.  After much gnashing of teeth, we were able to get on an earlier flight home.  It was the worst flight I've ever had.  The cabin pressure cause the hernia to hurt really badly and whatever gas was left also made itself known.  I was doubled over in pain crying most of the way home.  A couple of times, I retched but nothing came up, however it did seem to relieve some of the pressure.  Anyway, we got home and it was so cold in the house, my teeth were chattering.  The first thing I did was crawl into bed to warm up, then I got up and into my flannel PJs with my warm terry robe and blanket and stretched out in my recliner.  Our dog cuddled up on my lap and sighed with joy that his "bed" was home.  I'm feeling pretty good after a good night's sleep.  Just seeing that I need to make sure I'm getting enough liquids.  So far, so good.

Wow.  This is it.  Oddly I feel less scared (at this moment, anyway) than I have for several days.  All the prep stuff is done so all I have to do is go to the hospital tomorrow, take my clothes off (ugh), get some great drugs (woohoo) and come out the other side.  I'm really hungry but keep drinking tons of water.  I think I'd reached my 8 glasses before I even left home this morning.  I'm finding that I already can eat less and be kinda okay about it.  lt's hard being in Honolulu with so many fabulous places to eat and I'm having my Nectar cocktail.  I remind myself that it's temporary and will very soon be able to enjoy the local cuisine, just in smaller amounts and with a little more discretion.   Life is good.

I went to Oahu last Friday, the 13th to be exact.  This was my pre-op visit with Dr. Fowler.  I also had a consult with Lori.  I'm still scared I won't be able to continue with behaving myself post-op, but I exhibited tremendous self=control over the weekend.  Madeline had a bag of Maui potato chips on the kitchen counter and the first time I noticed it, I immediately responded to it and started to grad a few.  Then I felt a little feeling of disappointment because I knew it wouldn't be good for me to eat them.  Then I felt good about myself because I resisted them.  We went to Bubba Gumps for dinner last night and Madeline and I chose the same dish.  Grilled salmon with steamed broccoli, carrots, onions and capers.  We both passed on the rice.  I ate slowly but will have to learn to eat even slower, but I ate too much.  Didn't finish anything on my plate but it was still too much.  And I didn't feel so good afterwards.  I've already started to eat much smaller portions that I can see how much I was eating before.  One of Madeline's advisees was with us and I was amazed by how much she ate.  And realized I could match her bite by bite before.  Another eye-opener.  So I'm beginning to see how far I've already come and it's so encouraging.  

We leave for Oahu on Tuesday and my surgery is Wednesday.  I stay overnight and will be released on Thursday with a follow up on Friday.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I am doing this.  And all is good.  

My date isn't with a movie star, but I am having my surgery on Wednesday, March 18.  My new birthday, as a friend of mine who had RNY told me!  

What a roller coaster ride this has been!  Lori Krueger at Castle is a saint if you don't already know.  She managed to pull everything together to make this happen at a particular time as it will make things much easier for my family to be with me.

So I'm excited and a little scared but mostly excited. 

Well, I may have a surgery date after all!  And in the time line I was hoping for.  The sleep study results were holding me up (it's been almost 3 weeks and the final study hasn't been produced), but a preliminary report was faxed to my doctor today.  I still have some details to work on but it may be do-able.  I'm so pleased because I didn't want to wait until June.  The folks at Castle are amazing!   

The results from my sleep study didn't get completed soon enough to be reviewed so I could have my pre-op.  I wanted to have my surgery during spring break and there was only one week I could make it happen.  Now I'll have to wait.  Because of my partner's class schedule (she's a teacher), it won't be particularly convenient for her to be with me until school is out.  This puts it out to the first week of June.  At first, I didn't think it was that bad, but it's 3 months away.  Kinda sucks.