Barb H.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

 I was able to eat way too much dinner tonight so I think I'll schedule a fill in a couple of weeks.  I am so inspired by Nicole and her commitment to her journey.  It reminds me that this is a lifetime commitment and I am making changes which will positively impact my life for the rest of my life.  

Cool. 

I went to Hilo yesterday for my first post-op (since right after surgery) with Dr. Fowler.  Everything is just fine, my incisions are healing well.  He told me what to look for to determine if I need a fill and at this point, I'm okay.  According to the office scales, I'm down 17.7 pounds since surgery, which isn't too bad 4 weeks out.  My scales weight a little lighter so I generally prefer to go by them.  LOL!  

Nicole was also there and it was great to see her.  We both networked with several other women from Waimea and Honoka'a about getting a support group started.  I think all of us will greatly benefit from having groups to turn to for help and support and motivation.  

Last night I had my first (and hopefully last) really bad "stuck" feeling.  I spoke with the nutritionist earlier in the day and she suggested I might try having some shredded lettuce to see if I could tolerate it.  At dinner, I took some lettuce and cut it up on my place but maybe not into small enough bites.  I didn't eat it all because I felt my tummy start to get uncomfortable, which continued for a couple of hours.  Later, I felt a little hungry again, so I ate a few flavored Triscuit crackers which are a little spicy.  It wasn't long before I headed for the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up.  I wish I'd been able to because I'm sure I'd have felt better.  So for  what felt like 6 hours, I cried and writhed in pain trying to catch my breath and wanting to pain to stop.  My partner was with me and finally used acupressure on 2 spots; within 10 to 15 minutes, the pain and spasms started to subside.  In about another half hour, I was much better, although weak.  I was able to drink some water with no problems, so I figured my band was in place and nothing else was stuck.  That was really scary!  I hope it doesn't happen again!  BTW, she used st36 and li4 if anyone is into acupressure.  This is what worked for me, anyway.

About the singing part, I keep seeing Susan Boyle's performance, the judges and audiences reaction to her before and after hearing her sing, and how her life has transformed since.  I saw an interview of her with a prominent American journalist (who's name escapes me), and was offended by what she was asked.  She asked Susan if she would consider having a make-over done as this is common amongst people in her situation.  Susan actually bristled a little but was very tactful in saying that "we'd just have to wait and see."  There's no doubt that I'd like to pin Susan down and work on those eyebrows, but at the same time, I want to yell out to everyone to leave her looks the hell alone!  She's given the world such an amazing gift through who she is and her voice, not how she looks.  I pray that she doesn't get taken advantage of and that there are people around her to help keep her safe from the vultures.

I think her story has hit me so deeply because I'm a singer.  And I haven't sung in years in public, after gigging somewhat regularly several years ago.  Now that I'm losing weight, I'm seeing more and more how I've hidden behind it, preventing me from doing things I love to do, and am pretty darn good at.  I've been hiding from life, from having fun, from being fulfilled, from being adventuresome.  The timing of Susan's debut is amazing to me, coming at such a turning point in my life.  She would have impacted me regardless, but I'm grateful for her courage and determination to reach out for her dream.  I think it would be really cool for her to know how many people's lives she's touched just by her presence.  What a gift she is to our financially bereft and superficial world.  

I'd been off one of my anti-depressants for about a week because I ran out and never followed up with getting a refill.  But since I'd been crying most of the week, I figured it was time.  Duh.  I feel better today and more positive.  I hate that it takes a pill(s) to make this happen, but I don't think I would be here if it weren't for them.  So I gotta do what I gotta do to be healthy and functional.   It feels so good to feel more positive.

Our stressful situation has eased up a bit but the residual is still so present.  With me recovering from my surgery and reprograming my brain and emotions, I haven't been able to be as supportive to Madeline, and with her stress, she hasn't been able to be there for me as much as she would have otherwise been.  But we are both progressing.  I went to my therapist yesterday and told him that I just needed to vent.  So I sat on the couch and cried for most of the session.  And he supported me and reminded me that with everything that's going on, it's been overwhelming.  I knew this but to have it spoken by someone who has compassion meant a lot to me.  I need to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.  The good thing is that I'm losing weight.  Still learning how to eat in a way that doesn't cause discomfort.  Old habits die hard, but I'm determined to make it happen.  Every mistake I make is just another step on this journey where I either step off the track for a moment (looking for chocolate...) then remember what my goal is.  Then I look with longing at the new DQ Blizzard with the chocolate truffles and fudge and think...what was I thinking??!!??  I salivate every time I see that commercial.  I just need to remember that eating it would be like applying 3 sticks of butter to my thighs, not to mention making me sick as a dog.   

I'm sure learning about myself.  I'm finding that I want to slip back into old habits of eating to fast and too much.  Of course I pay for it, but I'm looking forward to when I get it right more often than not.  I get so bored and want to get it over with.  What I want to do is enjoy every morsel and really taste each bite.  From a spiritual aspect, it's like giving thanks that I have healthy, nutritious food to nurture my body.  

I am doing much better in the mornings and tend to feel a little sluggish and bloated in the afternoons and evenings.  I know I'll find my balance.  

The good news is that I'm down about 22 pounds.  A lot of people either haven't noticed yet or just didn't mention it, but those who have rave out me.  I'm still in my old pants although they are big on me, but my tummy is still swollen and tender so big is good.  My energy is going up as well.  

I met someone right here on campus who is starting this journey and Dr. Fowler will be her surgeon.  It's so cool to be able to give her support and information because it not only helps her, but it helps keep me focused.  

And, it looks like we'll get to stay here, at least for now.  There's a huge stress reliever!