Barb H.

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I'm not sure why I'm feeling kinda depressed.  I feel sort of adrift, disconnected.  Since I'm not working right now, this feeling is enhanced.  I think I'm also struggling with the amount of weight I've lost.  I mean, realistically I've done really well if I remember that I started at 242, was at 237.7 right before surgery and at 210 now.  That's 32 pounds since late February.  I just want to feel more in control of what I eat and how I feel about eating.  Which means I really need to understand the emotional attachment I have to food.  My perceived "failures" are overshadowing all my successes, which are real. I have lots of work to do, but I started this journey for this exact reason.  I know it'll be baby steps but I just get frustrated and impatient.  I really hope we can get a support group started soon.  I think it will help a great deal. 

 Boy, I'm having to start all over in my eating.  Since my fill, if I overeat or eat too fast, I pay the price.  This has happened several times.  Once when I was eating spaghetti.  I had only eaten 1/2 cup or less when I had to stop.  It was a combination of the pasta and spicy sauce.  I think there was sausage which made it extra spicy.  I hope I'll eventually be able to eat some spicier foods later on, even if it's not very often.  There's the Mexican place here that has such good green salsa made with pineapple.  OMG!  Maui Tacos in Hilo also has really good salsa.  But I've gotten to the point that whatever it takes is what I'll do.  That's why I started this journey and I'm not going to screw it up or lament (much) about what I can't eat.  

I'm still having trouble getting food and drink down and keeping it down.  I don't know if my band is too tight or still kinda inflamed from getting a fill.  On one hand, I don't want to have it adjusted so I can keep my loss higher, but on the other hand, I need to keep my nutrition intake up.  I had to spend time praying to the porcelain god twice today.  Once because I had some spaghetti at Little Ceasar's (in KMart of all places) and even though it was a very very small amount, it got stuck.  Later, I fished out all the spaghetti and fed it to the dog (much to his delight) and ate what little sauce was left.  It must have been the spices because it didn't go down well.  And in fact, came back up.  Sorry for the gross details.  

I think I'm going to have to go back to more of a liquid diet.  I'll still be able to eat some solid food, but obviously breads or bread-like foods ain't gonna happen.  Gotta add spicey as well.  I'm getting what I asked for - consequences if I eat inappropriately.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking!  Just kidding.  I want to be healthy and feel better.  And look better, of course.  As time continues to pass, I'm learning more and more about my previous eating habits.  A couple of nights ago, I wanted dessert so bad but knew if I had some, I'd regret it.  At that moment, I felt the little girl in me feeling disappointed and even punished because she/me couldn't have her/my way.  I suspect more emotional stuff will surface as I peel the outer layers off.  Since I'm still on the side of not knowing what all I'll be going through, I'm thinking that it's a good thing.  In a month, I may feel very differently about it all.  That could be a positive or negative.  I rooting for the former.

I had a weird thing happen yesterday.  I ate some sf/ff pudding and it seemed to get stuck.  I drank a little water hoping it would dilute it enough to go through and it worked.  However, I was able to eat later, but not much.  This last fill certainly has done what it's supposed to do.  I've lost about 5 pounds since I got it.  The sad thing for me is either people aren't noticing or they aren't saying anything to me.  My goodness, it's really bad to think that I'd gotten fat enough that a 31 pound weight loss isn't that noticeable.   The good thing is I've started to go down again and soon, my weight loss will be very noticeable.  That part is very exciting!

I had so much trouble yesterday even drinking water, however, last night I was able to eat some ramen.  We went to Sansei's (talk about torture for me!) so I got the crab ramen.  Very very good but brought most of it home.  That's okay because I have meals for about 4 days!  LOL!  I still gurgle a lot when I drink or eat anything.  It's kinda funny sounding!  It's certainly doing what I want it to do. 

I had my first fill today.  It was a little uncomfortable but I didn't have any problems afterwards.  It also made me not hungry although I got a little light headed from not eating.  I was really worried about my blood sugar getting out of whack, but it was pretty stable.  I'm so glad!  I was dreading seeing Cindy because I haven't been exercising.  I did go to the gym yesterday and did a good workout.  She laughed when I told her because she says lots of people do that.  Doesn't surprise me.  Now, I want to completely recommit to this journey by doing a daily diary of my food intake and exercise because that seems to help keep me focused.  

I'm so looking forward to breaking 200.  I'd hoped to make it by my partner's birthday (6/22) but I'll be okay if I don't make it as long as I start to lose again.  

It's a good journey. 

I am finding myself slipping back into old habits and it's being reflected in my lack of weight loss.  I am going to Oahu this Thursday to get a fill so this will jump start me back into getting on track.  There is a little bit of the feeling of failing, but I'm focusing more on getting things right rather than beating myself.  I've had several personal challenges since my surgery, but I need to stop using these things as excuses.  I went into this to make permanent changes.  I know I'll make it happen even though I'll step off the path at times.   

I was stuck at 218 for over 2 weeks and finally broke through to 215.  I was getting so frustrated!  In the meantime, I have a fill scheduled for May 14.  With some exceptions, I pretty much eat whatever I want now and am tolerating really well.  However, the fill will slow me down...which is probably why I got stuck!  It feels so good to know that I'm in control and when I'm not, there are consequences.