still don't know when

Nov 29, 2011

I was really proud of myself recently when I made a better choice for a snack.  I was in convenience store and passed the candy bars up because, oddly enough, they didnt appeal to me.  But I found packages of string cheese so I got one and a bag of cashews.  Probably could have gone without the nuts, but even so, I felt really good that I made a better choice. 
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All my stuff has been submitted to insurance so I am now waiting to see what will happen.  We had Thanksgiving with Mark and Phil and Sandy.  I mentioned the surgery to Sandy and she kind of went off saying that I shoudnt have it and on and on.  once again, it made me pause, but the reality is, this is the way for me to go.  Period.   Replacing Emoji...
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My favorite holiday

Nov 23, 2011

I love Thanksgiving.  It s much less commercial than Christmas and the focus is, for me, friends and family.  And gratitude.  I am working on letting go of my tendancy to be negative and really let in all the amazing good things and people I have in my life.  It feels good. Replacing Emoji...
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Perseverance pays off

Nov 16, 2011

 I finally feel like I am coming out of my funk.  I've done alot of right things and I'm really proud of myself for following through.  I've connected with a lot of really amazing people here, went to the support group tonight, and talked to the nutritionist today and it has all helped to ground me a little more.  I had told Mary that I was doing some emotional eating and she asked if I knew why.  I said yes, the time of year always impacts me.  And before I could say any more, she said that a lot of people get a little freaked out once there is positive movement towards the surgery.  As she was talking, I was nodding and smiling because that was exactly one of my issues.

Good on me!
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Almost peaking out

Nov 15, 2011

My last post was about having my head up my ass.  I have started to gradually pull it out and actually move on...it's a slow process, sort of like when I'm constipated and it takes a bit to get the shit moving.  As long as I keep working on it, I'm okay.

I'm needing to complete some paperwork to send to the hospital but I've been dragging my feet regarding the food and exercise diary.  I'm really working on being more aware when I want to eat rather than just going to the frig and stuffing, but it's still the full of shit thing I mentioned above.   We picked up a free turkey from Foodland and cooked it on Sunday so we had a mini Thanksgiving.  We are still enjoying the leftovers and the food is all so good.  Madeline made me a crustless pumpkin pie which I ate in 2 days.  It was really really good, although will be much to high in sugar and fat to eat post surgery.  So back to the diary, I'm embarassed to write down what I've been eating and afraid of being judged.  I know the people at Castle don't do this because I've worked with them before, but even so I feel so ashamed.

Hmmm.  Ashamed.  Just acknowledging this gives me a little clarity.  I think I've felt ashamed of myself all my life.  Being brought up by insecure parents who had no idea how to deal with a very ADHD child nor was there any understanding of it at that time, I always felt like I was supposed to  be someone other than who I was because who I was wasn't very good.  Very flawed, too much, too loud, too energetic.  My parents didn't understand what they were doing, but finding my way out of the dark, heavy weight is still my responsibility.  Continuing to blame them won't get me anywhere except keeping me in victim mode.  

I think I see light now!
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Head up ass

Nov 14, 2011

All weekend, actually even before, I've been feeling funky.  Depressed, unmotivated and uninspired.  And ate way more and much worse than I have been.  So what the hell is up with me?  First of all, something I'm a little disappointed in myself about is that I didn't reach out to my OH friends and talk about it.  I didn't really reach out to anyone.  I just stuck my head up my ass and felt sorry for myself.  But I am working on why I've been feeling so depressed.  I have come to the realization that there are several reasons.  

One, I'm still avoiding dealing with getting my mother situated.  I'm actually angry and a little hurt that she never acknowledged me on my birthday.  She's never forgotten or overlooked it before.  It didn't help that my daughter-in-law didn't wish me well, either.   

Two is that I turned 57.  I'm just 3 years away from being 60 and it fucking blows me away.  I'm not ready to be 60.  

Three is that with the flood in the house and all the chaos it has created, including having to move out for a week into a sweet little place but with really low ceilings and kinda dark which added to my depression, I've felt really out of sorts.  But this could have been an easy fix with a simple attitude adjustment.  I could have made it be an adventure instead of a pain in the ass.

Four is that preparing for the revision surgery is stirring up lots of stuff for me.  I feel like my guts are roiling and churning with unresolved emotions and fears.  By losing weight, becoming healthy and being happy, I can't hold on to being a victim any more.  It's so ironic that the very things I want - to be active and healthy, creative and outgoing, fun and energetic - are the very things I seem to fear the most.  When I think about these things, I think about my mother and daddy.  Both of whom were depressed, especially my dad, buy Mom would just give up if she came into any resistance.  Both of them seemed to fear trying something new because they were afraid they couldn't do it perfectly the very first time.  The fear of failing and the fear of succeeding has permeated my life.  GODDAMMIT, I want to get them out of my fucking head and live MY life!!!!

I need to feel this anger because it will be freeing.  I can use the energy to give me motivation to move out of the muck that I feel frozen in.  



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relatives....omg!

Nov 06, 2011

I was curious about some of my relatives on my mother's side of the family so I looked up some of them on FB.  All of them are very heavy, several morbidly.  It only strengthened my resolve to move forward, become and remain healthy for the rest of my life. Replacing Emoji...
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Getting closer

Nov 04, 2011

My psych eval has been changed from November 21 to the 7th, a good thing.  And on the 8th, I will have telephone sessions with the nutritionist, exercise person and the nurse.  Since I will be seeing Dr, Lovette in Kona, I wont have to go to Oahu for any of this.  Coleen is doing the same thing so we may get December dates after all.  Replacing Emoji...
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November 1st already!

Nov 01, 2011

Ive been talking to Coleen and we are going to try to have our surgeries on the same day and rent a place together so we can save a little bit on that cost.  She mentioned December 3rd but I wont even talk to Dr. Lovette until 11/21.  I must have not heard her right because the 3rd is a Sunday.  I dont know if if can be in December, but I'd prefer it.  January will be hard for us because of the concert. 

I'm not feeling as freaked out as I was before when I read all the different opinions about the different types of surgeries.  At this point in time, I feel that RNY is the best option for me.  I also want to make sure I get myself in the right head space and since I have been working on it already, I feel like I can do it.  This confidence may ebb and flow, but by writing, going to support groups, and staying in touch with my buddies, I feel confident I will succeed.  I keep thinking about when I was involved with Beginning Experience.  I made life-long friends there.
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About Me
Kailua-Kona, HI
Location
29.9
BMI
Surgery
01/25/2012
Surgery Date
Jan 02, 2009
Member Since

Friends 38

Latest Blog 8

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