I had five appointments today - one of them, titled simply "Radiology" actually consisted of bloodwork, cardiopulmonary exams, an ultra sound, and a chest X-Ray. It didn't help that the appointment was for 6:45 AM, which is normally just about bedtime. In fact, I fell asleep at 3:45 and woke up at 4:30. Suffice to say that I was a little grumpy today. Luckily, all my doctors and nurses were incredibly friendly and made it easy to get through all the poking, prodding, zapping, scanning, and breathing into a tube.

I also went through the psychological evaluation with no sleep. I don't think it turned out bad. I had to talk about the issues I had with depression during high school, and of course that doesn't just go away - I still struggle with it, but l think I came across as stable enough for the surgery. I guess there's a possibility the psychologist will recommend some counseling post surgery, which might not be such a bad thing. I've got to get my own self under control in every way.

One month from right now I'll be spending the night at my dad's house, scared out of my mind for the next morning but excited too. It's so soon. I think about it every time I eat a meal - soon my whole life is going to change. Everything I stress about these days - the pain in my knee, difficulties with public transportation, the social hassles of being unable to participate in athletics - will be replaced with new stresses - eating healthy, being aware of nutritional content, avoiding sugars and dairy...

I'm ready for this, I think. I still have work to do to prepare myself emotionally, but I'm on the right track and I feel happy with every decision I've made so far. Even when it sucks, it's awesome.

Okay, it's once again been a very long time since I posted. I want to write a fairly long update on where I've been.

I've been busy since my last post, with a new job, planning for grad school, and various instances of drama within my friends and family. But in regards to the WLS, for a long time, not a lot happened. I've still yet to have another appointment with Dr. Oh. The last one happened around the middle of spring quarter, and after that, things got nuts with finals and stuff. By the time I was free enough to consider scheduling my endoscopy, my mom had spoken with insurance, who said that under no circumstances would they preauthorize my surgery without a five-year weight and diet history. This is information that I certainly do not have, as I

• rarely visit the doctor
• did not know my own weight at any point between the ages of 14 and 20
• did not consult a doctor before, during, or after any diet I tried.

So at that point, I thought all was lost. During that time, I came to discover how emotionally attached I had become to the idea of surgery and how much it hurt that I wasn't going to be receiving it. For the past month, I've been struggling with all my old issues of depression, magnified by the loss of the hope I had garnered under the promise of WLS.

While visiting home last week, my mom mentioned that I had gotten some mail from St. Francis Hospital. I very nearly didn't open it, assuming that it was some letter asking me where I'd gone and why I hadn't scheduled my endoscopy yet.

Instead, it was a piece of paper with the following information:

Radiology	07-25-08
Psychological Evaluation	07-25-08
EGD	08-01-08
Pre-surgery Education Class	08-04-08
Internal Medicine Clearance	08-06-08
Last Office Visit	08-11-08
Pre-op	08-11-08
Surgical Procedure (LGBP)	08-26-08
1-week follow-up	09-03-08

I couldn't believe it. I was floored. I had all but decided that the surgery wasn't happening, that it had been too good to be true anyways, and that if I ever did get another chance to lose the weight, it would be years and years down the line. Not five weeks.

Nevertheless, I still retained a healthy amount of skepticism. I don't trust insurance people as far as I can throw them, and I knew that if they could come up with any way to screw me, they would. So I called Dr. Oh's office and left a message, essentially telling them what insurance had told us and asking how they expected me to pay for this. They called back a few days later telling me that I did not have to receive preauthorization with my type of insurance, and to call back if I wanted more information.

Naturally, I called back. I'm not going to disregard my insurance company's blatant refusal to approve my surgery, because if I get through this process and find that they won't pay for it, I'm screwed. I already have student loans to pay back, I can't afford this. I told them what my insurance company had said and they agreed to call to double check. I'm still waiting to hear back. I plan to call on Thursday if I haven't heard anything by then.

Once again, this has brought up a lot of emotions. I've never considered myself to be very in-touch with my emotions when compared with my peers. I'm much more analytic than most and I definitely have trouble understanding people, even my own self. So I don't exactly have the words to say what I'm feeling right now. I'm partly thrilled, partly terrified.

A small part of me feels defeated. I know it's a completely false perception, but I know a lot of people see WLS as a cop-out - a lazy way out of what is mostly a psychological problem. While I don't agree with this sentiment by any means, I do have a sense that I've failed in some way. The 10% I was supposed to lose? I doubt I've lost ten pounds. I got frustrated. If I was capable of losing weight without the surgery, I thought, why would I be getting the surgery?

I am happy to be doing this. But it's scary, too. In fact, that's an understatement. It's downright terrifying. There are a lot of things I like about my life right now, and I'm afraid that EVERYTHING is going to change once I'm on the other side of surgery. Some good things are going to change, too, aren't they? I don't know. I think it'll all be worth it in the end. That doesn't mean I don't freak out a little bit every time I see that I'm another day closer.

40 days until surgery. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.