As much as many think I am so strong for swimming in public - I really am a little chicken deep down in side.  Yes, I swim in a public pool -- in the VERY lane that has an underwater observation room (mind has gone THERE more than a few times - "What are they saying/thinking about fat, old me?!")  But, I truly hate the part where I have to shower & change with all those kids...

Today, I did something of real merit, and I don't have anyone to really share this with.  The Sweetie only swam a half hour, so he wasn't there to witness what I did (and I don't like rubbing his nose in that I have this much stamina).  I swam an hour and a half - drum roll - One HUNDRED Laps - horns toot!  I love to check the calculation sheet at my pool - but actually didn't this time (how far did I swim - measured in local town distances)  I know it was just over a mile and a half - 72 Laps is one mile.

Part of me did it to not have to deal with the little kids coming out of their swim classes -- if I swim an hour, they are getting out at the same time - so I get to deal with upwards of 20 small kids & mothers who are oblivious.  So, I thought to myself, "Why not go for 80 Laps?"  Then when I got there, "One Hundred is possible..."  DANG!  I did it ;)  Only bummer:  I left my water bottle in the locker room!  I was leisurely showering, then brushing out my mop hair, when the teenagers hit the locker room.  Talk about a big scaredy cat!  Wooo, three teens walk in, I fall to pieces!  Oh well, some days I have the courage, other days I just deal ;)

I have another (almost) month and a half before all the big appointments - labs, upper GI, nutritionist, social worker - it is almost brutal for me to stay positive & on target.  I haven't told any of my friends what I am doing. Funny, I know 15 people who have done Gastric Bypass, I even turned it down in the past, yet I just feel ambivalent.  Maybe until I KNOW the date is scheduled, I will continue being Miss "I can't tell them, what will they say?".  Part of me knows people who would be so damn excited to be on the path for surgery, another part worries how my friends will feel - am I going to become some weight loss jerk who judges my fat friends?  I am not doing it for any of them, and I did not back out before because of what friends thought.  It is me - I have worked all my life to accept the Fat Me.  Not to hide away, just because I am not Western Society's norm.  Hell, the best complement I ever got was from my mother:  "Brenda, you are the strongest person I know..." referring to my refusal to sit behind closed doors hiding my fat.

I miss being active.  I used to bicycle for days - literally.  Ridding 40 miles a day was not a big deal - I was still pretty fat, but I could do it.  I miss walking miles instead of sweating from the pain of doing my day to day chores.  I miss heading off to the beach & not giving a hoot what folks thought -- "Yeah I am FAT, so?!!!"  I gave myself my own description: CFC - Cute Fat Chick (I hate BBW - don't EVEN get me started on SSBBW...)  I was looking forward to learning how to water ski nine years ago - and I was still a truly fat chick (22/24).  Then the World crashed in.  I tore my Achilles tendon.  Crap.  Pain.  Nothing but, "Lose weight, we can't operate..."  Yeah, cool, HOW?  Seven years it has been.  Seven years of not being the same active girl I always had been.  Buying clothes so large, I could barely find things in Fat Girl Stores.  Catalog purchases aren't the same. 

What I told my present doctor just over a year ago when we first met, "I don't want to be that fat woman on the HoverRound, just puttering through the mall..."  So, after a year, I gave in.  I wasn't getting anywhere physically.  I was swimming - until I got sidelined a couple of months from a "car meets my truck - my truck won" accident, but still no real progress.  I was fitted for a CPAP (how humiliating), told in November 2009 I was borderline hypertensive.  I now had pernicious anemia.  Where would it end?  So off to the Surgical Seminar I went.  After telling my boyfriend my objective, he went the next month to the seminar.  Hey doc, how about a two for one?

Okay, so this is supposed to be positive.  I may be one of the only persons to read this, but at least I know how I am feeling.

To anyone who is actually reading this - worry not, I am made of some pretty strong stuff.  As my Great Aunt Maura said, "You come from healthy, peasant stock!"  The wonderful woman who was as wide as she was tall - a truly remarkable woman!  I plan to live a very long life - it is genetic - and I am as stubborn as I am fat!  I don't want to be like Great Grandma Hazel - who had to lasso her foot to get her undergarments on!  I cringe at that visual!  Being healthy is the goal ;)  So I hope to keep this running journal on a positive note.

B  : )~

I know, I know, that may sound ominous, but it was a complement!  I met one therapist who wasn't assigned to me, his name was/is Jason.  Anyhow, real nice guy, did my intake for a "program" to get me in tip top shape for surgery... Hahaha... Anyhow, after getting all my history, I told him how bad my left foot and ankle are - he read all the doctors notes, so he actually had a pretty good idea how bad BOTH feet are.  He did his workup, asked me to walk non-stop for six minutes, to measure my endurance.  Took my vitals, gave me a couple of sheets of exercises, and sent me home with homework.  I then was told I needed to head into UW (University of Washington) TWICE weekly... ugh.  But, I am good at doing what needs to be done - so proceeded to make a months' worth of appointments with my actual P/T - Sandy.  OH!  and at my weigh in, I lost seven pounds -- goooood! 

My new therapist was out for a week, so I got to meet her Friday afternoon.  Grumble grumble - drive through traffic - grumble grumble - PAY for parking, grumble grumble - I am so tired from my mile swim just an hour ago, now I have to walk the length of they dang hospital (how the HECK is that Handicap Parking, if I have to go to the OPPOSITE end of the TWO buildings?!?)... Ready to see you Ma'am, I smile, shake her hand.  She says, "We need to talk..."  Uhhhh, here it comes... "Why do you swim every other day?"  Ummm, my ankle cannot take daily workouts.  "I hate to tell you this, since we just met, but I am DISCHARGING you from P/T!"  Ummmm, okay, why?  She tells me that I was so impressive at the six minute test (here I was thinking an 80 year old could have kept pace with me...), and she saw how much I swim (one mile in 45 minutes, three times a week), I do NOT need to see a physical therapist. 

We talk more - since I am PAYING the whole hour!  She asks me what she can do for me, that day.  Ummm, can you help me with the pain in my left foot?  She worked me over soooo much, I actually hurt the first two days, but yesterday & today haven't been as bad (insert smile, here).  I ask if she wouldn't mind taking me to the scale - down the hall, turn the corridor... and she takes me to the scale.  It gets zeroed, I pop on - I say, "Not bad."  She looks at my chart, looks at me - "You gotta be kidding?!!!"  I say, huh?  I only lost six pounds...  She scolds me (one of those overly upbeat kinda gals), LOOK AT YOUR CHART!!!  You lost FIFTEEN pounds!  Ummm, no, Jason transposed the number, it's only six.  But, deep down I am really happy, 13 pounds total since my surgeon met me on March 3, so I feel like all this wasn't for not.

I will be looking for a Physical Therapist locally, who can work on the tendon & plantar pain -- and who knows, I might get a bug up my butt to go back to five days a week swimming ;) 

I don't start jumping through the real hoops until May 10 - I had to push it back, as I will be out of town (waaaa!)  I am hoping that if I "ace all the tests," the surgeon will give me an ATTA GIRL!  and give me a date!  Oh and if anyone wants to get in some great lap work - I and my sweetie swim at King County Aquatic Center in Federal Way.  I am starting at 7am, as I really hate dealing with all the little kids and their moms in the dressing room... I may have more spirit than most, but I still dread the children making the comments about the "fat lady"...  Most times I try to remember I am the adult, but damn-it!  Don't parents think it is rude to stare or worse, make crude comments?  That's another rant!

I am looking forward to being back in Hawaii next February - able to scuba with a lighter weight belt!  Damn the jelly fish, BRENDA'S coming through!!!

B  : )~

I am very happy to be in the care of Dr David Flum.  Although, I have only had the initial sit down with my surgeon, I just got a great feeling for him at the UW Seminar.  This is not my first go-around.  I actually backed out of getting my surgery back in 2004, I just had too much turmoil swirling around me, and frankly the surgeon my old HMO provided me was less than supportive.

My primary care doc, Judith Fleming,  is fabulous.  She is able to see beyond the fat, and has always treated me well.  She gave me a great complement - 90% of her patients cannot follow through in the long run, but she felt I will be in that 10% who can use this tool & succeed.  Is Gastric Bypass extreme?  Hell yes.  Is being inactive acceptable?  Read my last response!

Presently, I swim 3 days of the week, for an hour, I swim a mile each workout. Walking is really difficult, but it is an activity I am striving to be able to do with ease... I used to be able to do three miles, five days a week with ease. 

I am seeing a physical therapist - working toward getting physically ready for the surgery.  Starting slow, but hoping to increase my activity.  One week after my initial appt. I had a seven pound loss.

I have already started (two weeks ago) a very low caloric diet - 1000 - 1200 calories daily.  I am reaching back to when I was on a supervised liquid fast - replacing two or more meals daily while having one low fat high protein meal.

With the ups and downs in life, I am finally at the place emotionally to actually work on myself.  I had to drop out of a program a few years ago, mainly because I had too much personal  turmoil.  I am hoping that because I am in a better place, I will succeed. 

I miss the physical activity I took for granted.  In January 2003, I tore my Achilles tendon, making all those things I enjoyed, just too painful to even consider.  The last time I lost a large amount of weight was 1997-98 -- 135 pounds.  Then, I injured the leg in 2003, which brought all the weight back, plus more.

This is my story...