Brenda C.

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I am back in Washington - woooo!  For anyone in the South Puget Sound Area NOT in a support group, SPS will be meeting in Federal Way, Saturday May 1 from 3pm to 5pm -- a wonderful group of folks!  For those already in the group - I will see you at the Black Bear Diner on Pacific Highway!

B  : )~

I am really enjoying the constant changes in the weather!  We are staying on the beach of Depoe Bay, OR, and it is so funny how one second it is pouring rain, the next it is sunny, then muggy, then overcast, I cannot decide what to wear ;)

Did some lovely walking, swam indoors & outdoors (heated pool, I am not nuts enough to swim this far North in the Pacific - especially when it isn't August!!!), played Scrabble, and generally having a wonderful time.  I must say though, that for some unknown reason I had a couple of flies bugging me while laying in the sun!  Hey now!  I am trying to get some Vitamin D - move on!!!  Got to see some whales from our lanai, and made a new buddy, "Denty" the Seagull (he has a dent on his head & a gimpy leg - so of course I fed the poor guy!) who actually came to the sliding door to let me know he missed me - and those animal crackers we both love!

So, one thing I look forward to:  Getting onto & off of a lawn chair - they just aren't tall enough when you are this fat. 

Well, off to visit with Jeff's folks...
B : )~

Jeff and I will be meeting his parents on the Oregon Coast, in Depoe Bay.  We haven't told them yet about us getting Gastric Bypass, so it will be interesting to hear their opinions.  We have another couple coming with us to have a mini vacation, and they don't know yet, either.  It may sound strange to many, but in a way, we have been keeping it to ourselves.  I guess we have our own reasons.

I am looking forward to seeing the Oregon Coast, and especially spending more time just walking.  I've been getting ultrasound and massage on my left foot and ankle, hoping to get some relief from the pain, so that I can do more walking.  Soooo, I guess I should start packing!  Maybe there will be photos of my "before" to add to my profile ;)

B  : )~

As usual, I am always wondering why obesity hasn't been figured out yet.  I found this interesting (I thought it was great) program on PBS... Hope you like it, too ;)

FAT: What No One Is Telling You:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/fat/video-ch_01_vid.html?tos=vid&filetype=wmv&bandwidth=_hi

I have asked this question so many different times, in so many different ways:  Why am I fat?  I remember, as a child, asking my mother why was I fat - none of my brothers were.  I was very active, to the point, when the family television died, my mother never brought home the shiny box of comfort I was so missing. 

Can you imagine, a child growing up without television?  What?!  Were your parents hippies?!  Nope, just an odd mother who I never asked why.  She did not feel like buying the television, paying the cable, or even the electricity it cost to run it.  I look back on my childhood many times, trying to come up with answers, it just leaves me wondering why my mother never listened to me, "Mom, can't I become a test subject of some scientist or medical school? I hate how people treat me, I don't want to be fat anymore!"

The local pool was where I was found six days a week during Summer months  - and angry on Mondays - "Why do they HAVE to close the pool?  It doesn't take a whole day to clean it!"  Maybe when I figured out they had a snack bar at the pool, did trouble get worse (weight).  I remember being so miserly, how much I could spend and how many rest periods I could feed myself candy, and the thought of stopping at Pop's Liquor on the walk home - Chick-o-Stick or Abba Zabba - ahh, the memories.

Maybe it was Betty Adams.  She had a small store a block away from the park I spent the other hours at when not at the local pool.  I actually remember one time she asked if I wanted to put my purchase on the family account.  Family account?!  We had one?  SURE!  I was probably 8 at the time, maybe younger, and all I could think of as I never was allowed Oreo Cookies.  My mom struggled with weight, so no temptations were ever allowed in  the home.  It was the most amazing day, a whole package of Oreo Cookies, and I did not have to worry about my three brothers having any.  No, it wasn't Betty Adams fault, she just had great stuff at a great price.  I was the one who felt starved for the "goodies" mom wouldn't allow me to have.

My mom gained 75 pounds during my pregnancy - or so I have been told.  So, looking through family albums I knew of all these great photos of my beautiful mom, after she lost all the weight, thanks to TOPS.  By age 9, I started at TOPS.  My mom was a divorced parent from when I was four, and she worked the worst hours for any child wanting attention from mom - swing shift.  I would be coming home from school at about the time mom was in the bathtub, getting ready for work.  For whatever reason, my mom wasn't much for cooking something for us kids, we were "left to our own devices".  Mom worried about her fat little daughter, so she offered TOPS.  All the nice women there made me feel like a princess.  But what always stuck in my head:  Why did every meeting end in going out for dinner?  I was never a normal sized child.

At age 10, mom took me to a new pediatrician who was wonderful.  Oh, geez, I forgot to mention when I was 6 or so, mom took me to UCSF - where my grandmother was a teaching nurse - to figure out my weight issues.  There is a family history of thyroid disease, so it did come up in blood work.  I do not remember the University Hospital too much - other than crying from the nurse who could not find a vein (took me years to get over it).  But, here I was, 10, a new doctor, a nice doctor, one who actually told my mother "Do not worry, she will be fine..."  Well, Dr. Galobi (spelling may be incorrect), I think you might have been wrong.

My next pediatrician was concerned I got a lot of ear infections because I was fat.  Yup, obesity causes swimmers ear!  Who wants to go to a doctor who tells you everything wrong with you is because you are fat?  Needless to say, I tried very hard to not whine about any illness I may have had.

Mom tried bribing me, heck, my dad actually joined that one.  I would get a dollar for every pound lost by mom, dad said he would pay two.  Guess maybe my parents expected me to lose every extra pound before paying up - because I lost over 50 pounds, but never saw a penny.  Thanks to TOPS (for the second time) I had a LOT of charms on my charm bracelet!

I evidently had a crappy childhood, even though at the time, I didn't know it.  My dad was gone, raising some other woman's' children (I actually liked my first step-mom, and continued to be nice to her after she was no longer my official step-mom) and he made it very clear that he did not like that I was fat.  Mom didn't want to be home with her kids, choosing work or dancing with her friends.  I had two brothers who hated our other brother, so they were usually gone.  Leaving me with a psycho brother who didn't like me, due to my birth order.  Mom always wanted even numbers of kids, so being number three for some reason, was NOT a good place to be in the birth order.  If I was home, I was usually being beaten up, if I was out, I was usually being teased for being fat.  Later, I was told by many of the name callers, "We only did it because we liked you!"  HUH?!  I won't get into any sexual stuff, just because I think it tends to be the root of all that causes any one persons problems -- in other words, if it weren't for XXXX, you wouldn't be XXXX. 

Having been the best kid in the family I could -- look at me! look at me! -- I actually wondered why I tried so hard.  That, and I was wishing I had a boyfriend - like all my other friends.  By eighth grade, that would make me 13, I decided I would become the new Brenda.  In the process of losing weight, I gave myself a scare, I thought I was having a stroke.  Turns out, it was a migraine.  Diet pills (caffeine) and little food added to lots of physical activity evidently makes one see spots & lose feeling in their extremities.  I was on the road to becoming a smaller Brenda, at any cost.

Up and down in weight.  New friends who were losers - not weight, they were headed down the path of being nobody  - gave me more reason to try harder -- that, and my very FIRST pair of Levi 501's!!!  I lost ninety pounds in High School, but I did not know I was normal sized.  I was still Blimpda.  By Sophomore Year, I had had it.  I hated the abuse at home, my mom was no longer there emotionally, I had to escape.  I worked hard at taking my Junior and Senior Years while doing my Sophomore Year, graduating two years early, and eventually running away.  At age 15, I joined the carnival.

Don't worry, I only did it for a couple of months, just to get me the hell out of my home, before starting school in Sacramento, CA.  Oh, and guess what, my father lived there with wife number three.  Turning 16 was lonely.  I was not old enough to do a lot of the things other college students did, and no one knew how young I was, and I didn't want to let anyone know I was hurting inside.  I had a cute figure - even if I didn't know it.  I bicycled, worked out, swam, and did whatever I could to be accepted.  I played sports, I did pretty well, but I still lacked that one thing that drove me to lose weight: Have a REAL Boyfriend.  Dunno, maybe I have deep daddy issues?  But, while going to school & living in Sacramento, I became alienated from my family.  Dad was mad at me - I know why, but prefer to keep it to myself, mom was in denial of why I had to leave, and my two oldest brothers couldn't figure out why I was ready to explode.  This is when I began ridding my bicycle more and more - sometimes 40 miles in a day.

I got my first "real boyfriend" when I was 16, met him at work.  He was not the right guy, but I thought he would be.  When he found out I was 16, he freaked out.  He was 21, and just assumed I was at least 19, so he felt like I lied (which I never did).  We dated many months, and later we broke up badly, mainly because I was insecure with having to be the "first" for him.  I know, it isn't all the story, but it is what I feel comfortable telling.  He had a hot rod, and was building another with me, and he liked to "show off" his girlfriend.  The problem... I was a size 13 in juniors.  Evidently, I was fat enough to cause his steering to be off (?!!!), yet his over 200 pound chunky build didn't.  I never understood why he wanted to date me if I wasn't what he was looking for: Trophy Girlfriend.

Happy and single, I played the field.  I decided I didn't really need a boyfriend after all.  Isn't that when trouble starts?  I met my ex husband while on a group date.  I was cute, hahaha, underage, and something he told me that "he knew if he didn't ask me out, it would be a huge mistake."  What a line?!  By the time I agreed to marry him, I was still not 18, but I was now starting to get into the Women's Sizes.  I believe I may have been a size 14/16 when we got married.  Still in college, still not driving, I rode my bike to everywhere I had to be.  The weight still kept creeping on.

Two pregnancies, I lost weight during them, but gained while nursing my daughters.  By the time I was in my mid twenties, I was hovering around 300 pounds.  I still worked out like a maniac, swam hours of laps, but I was fat, fatter, fatty-fat-fat.  Remember that comment about thyroid disease in my family?  I was finally diagnosed around 26 years old, and now, I was HUGE. 

Drastic measures!  I had been back to TOPS twice as an adult, got into a handful of nutrition programs, begged for Redux, before I went onto a liquid diet.  Oh, and I started taking antidepressants around the time of the thyroid diagnosis.  For seven months all I was allowed was 650 calories - consisting of five soy protein shakes.  It was working wonders, until I wondered, "What if I only have three shakes a day?"  Lucky I didn't do any permanent damage... We won't mention the gall bladder and jaundice I suffered later from such a ridiculous diet.  One hundred and thirty-five pounds later, I drove my husband away from me.  So, add another two hundred pound to the loss column!  I wasn't thin, but I was happy.

Add a few more years, a ruptured Achilles tendon, and we are getting to where I presently am.  I am huge.  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am about to get bariatric surgery.  I skipped over my mothers cancer, her death, my dropping out of getting gastric bypass five years ago, and relocating to a new state.  But here I am, about to continue the battle of my obesity.  Some think emotional weight is my issue.  Others think it is thyroid.  Some even think I should just continue to gain (hell NO!).  But, I know I am fat, and I am tired of being (haha) less than the human I want to be.  I try to remind myself that being fat is not being a failure, but it isn't adding anything positive to my life.  I hate not being able to do the things I did just ten years ago, and I cannot accept that as being my life.  I know that being thin isn't going to cure my inner demons.  I know it will not make me more popular.  Being a manageable size will bring me freedom - I hope.  I want to live a long life, and engage in activities I love and miss doing.  I just hate having people looking at me - or worse - not seeing me because I am fat.  So, this is why I want bariatric surgery.

It hasn't been an easy week to make it to the pool, so I decided to pull on my big girl pants and do what I need to do.  The foot is killing me, but I can't stay idle too long.  I have a new name for my swim - 50/50 - fifty laps at fifty meters.  Chugged down a chocolate protein shake before driving home, but it just didn't feel like I fueled up.  Since it wasn't raining - haha - I decided I would mow the lawn.  Yeah, not the brightest idea, but if I am already tired, how much more could I become tired?

I made a most amazing shake - I figured I was needing fuel, so I got creative ;)  Two oranges, two scoops of vanilla protein, a ripe banana & ice - woooo!  Yummy!  It may be more calories than I would have for lunch, but after all the activity, I figure I will just cut back on dinner.

I think I have had enough time recouperating, so off to my next project ;)
B  : )~

After having assorted Easter Candy (some sugar free, most - not), then having a brunch of Indian Food Sunday, I will work more dilligently to stay in line with my caloric intake goals.

Back to the protein shakes with me!  Saw the chiropractor today, then I will work on my left foot and ankle this afternoon.  Three small shakes down, an indulgence of balsamic vinegar, and now the sugar free gum.  I laugh - HAHA!  I will make it through the hoops, to meet my goals.

I finally took my measurements, ugh.  It is all good, to be able to look BACK where I came, it will make looking forward so much more rewarding.  Some days I have such a hard time keeping my spirts up.  The terrible feeling of "Why do I put myself through???"  All I can do is remind myself how much easier life will be when I am in a smaller container.  True, food has it's draw, but with moderation, all things will be in ballance.

Two weeks to go until my trip to the Oregon Coast.  Although I doubt the weather will be good enough for a "romp" in the ocean, I am sure I will be happy with swimming in a pool.  Hoping for a physical trip, three days of fun...

B : )~

After being able to swim 100 laps twice last week, I tried again this week...

The Aquatic Center has moved the split in the middle of the pool - so instead of having a 25 meter lane, I know am swimming in a 50 meter lane.  I was kind of down on energy (the fabulous "time of the month"), so I gallantly tried to do the new swim - pep talk - "It will only be HALF as many laps, this way..." to no avail.  I guess it really did make a difference getting to turn every 25 meters, I was only able to do 60 laps.  Still, not bad, and pretty close to doing a mile, but it still left me feeling like I failed.  I didn't fail, I just fell short of a goal. 

I took Friday off, still dealing with my menses, I figured it wouldn't be so bad.  Instead (haha) I worked on removing built up grime on my pretty truck ;)  I have a pine tree dropping sap onto my truck, not to mention the build up of needles & dirt in the bed, so I drug the bed pad out, and scrubbed, scrubbed, and scrubbed some more ;)  I figure if I try to do at least one positive thing each day - I will feel better about ME.

Monday, I will meet my new physical therapist - for the ankle/foot.  The last therapist suggested a more local PT to do ultrasound on the ankle, this one is just the other side of own - not WAY passed Seattle.  I am trying to keep positive, if I can get a few days a week of relief, I hope to continue building strength & stamina.  One step at a time.