I am physically worn.  I spent Sunday and Monday on a mountain.  Living near Mount Rainier (note: name should be pronounced RAINY ER!) made it a good day trip - both days.  One of the things I look forward to is losing weight & regaining the power I used to take for granted.

Keeping myself moving forward physically has been tough, my foot and ankle are causing me so much pain, I was irritable this evening.  Just laying here with my laptop, I am wincing from the pain.  I know I need to move to lose weight, but how can I keep moving when I am in so much pain?  I won't give up.

Jeff is visiting family, so I am on my own to keep myself motivated!  Two, Four, Six, Eight, if you keep sitting you won't lose any WEIGHT!  Hmmm, maybe I passed up a lucretive carreeer in cheer leading?!

B : )~

I have had a difficult two weeks, and I stand by my "Brenda-ism":  What doesn't kill me, just pisses me off!

It looks like I may have found the olive branch for my Bariactric Program Social Worker, and I am happy to look toward next Wednesday -- for my next appointment.  Taking steps is like mental exercise, so I will look at this in as positive a light as I possibly can.  All those good adages you hear sometimes come back to haunt you.

I had been upset that the process was going to be pushed back into September, but if all goes well on Wednesday, I may be able to the light at the end of the tunnel sometime in June.  This may sound like I am being impatient, but I have been working on a mental schedule - so, the kink I ran into really sent me on a needless errand to correct.  I really do understand the steps, I just think there was a stumble that shouldn't have happened.

Keeping my mood positive...

B : )~

I have been in a surly mood for a week.  Grrrr, is the best I could muster at some moments.  I did not feel like facing the world, I was just a little pissed off.  Last week, I had back to back appointments, all giddy that I was progressing to the point of getting "my date," just to get shot down.

In my quest to be honest, I actually said a couple things in my shortened 20 minute meeting with the Social Worker, that in hindsight, should have been left in my mental closet.  We all have history, some of us have gone through harder times than others, but it is how we cope (I think) that really matters.  Anyhow, the Social Worker decided in that brief span of time, that I was unstable - because I admit I have wrestled with depression (currently on meds), and I had a past that included stupid behavior in my quest to lose weight.  I was a teenager -- so, fast forward over two decades -- I am NOT that person anymore.

Before I can go further in my process, I have to get an "okee dokee" from a therapist.  My coverage is the key to this problem.  I have not been able to get just any Tom, Dick, or Harry to take me for an intake, so I started to feel like giving up.  I pulled my big girl pants up, went to my support meeting, told my dilemma -- horns trumpet -- I got a possible solution!

When you feel like isolation, that is the very moment you NEED to interact.  This coming from the mind of someone supposed to not be stable enough to succeed at weight loss surgery.  Grrrr.  Sad part of this tale:  I was asked, "Did you fill out the personality test?"  Ummm, nope.  So, hopefully it won't cost me an arm & a leg, I will contact the doctor other members suggested, take the personality test, and prove how emotionally ready I actually am.  Otherwise, I will not be allowed to take the next step until late July -- which means I may be lucky if I get surgery in August, maybe September.

Note to self:  Not everyone wants to hear the truth - they want to hear a canned response that fits in their little box.  So much for being a free thinking, honest person.

B  : )~

After the chiropractor, Jeff & I headed back to West Fenwick Park.  Last week I discovered the nasty rash that can cause a weeks worth of discomfort, I have decided to work smart - not hard.  West Fenwick Park has a looping upper & lower trail, so one trip uphill, swing back downhill, a brisk lap around the lower track left us just sweaty enough to have actually worked our bodies without leaving us so beat we could not come back later to do it all over again.  My chiropractor had a great idea: Go TWICE a day, not doing too much in one trip.  Great idea.  Jeff's knee's hated the hill, my chest was yelling at me, "Why?!" so I am sure it was a good day.  Maybe I cannot comfortably do two full laps, yet -- keyword, yet.

I am looking forward to being able to take that wee hill without a wheeze or whimper.  Take that, you wee hill!

Onward & upward.
B  : )~

May 10th, Captains Log... Yeah, that is how I feel staring at the screen & wondering what I want to say. 

I spent way too long in the Nutritionists Office, unsure if that is good or bad.  My blood looks MAR-VA-LOUS Darling... Okay, so she had a slight Eastern European accent, but she did say my blood work looked REALLY good.  Hahaha, she asked if I am taking Iron - ummm, no.  My hemoglobin is high - which is a genetic thing for me.  Does that mean I will rust living in the Pacific Northwest?  Naw, it was to help my ancestors live through the plague (or so it has been explained).  The Nutritionist & I at least agree on a few things: Artificial Sweeteners SUCK, stay away; eat real food (Why am I drinking protein shakes? Because I was trying to get my weight down); Caffeine is NOT a bad thing - which I felt GUILTY drinking (unsweetened coffee, not soda).

Saw the Social Worker, and I blew it.  I have a really bad habit of telling the truth to people who just meet me, might want to just say what THEY want to hear... So, I earned the,"I want you to find a therapist, get a release from them, then send me the info... Then, the next step will be Nurse Practitioner..."  Okay, so maybe I should not say so much, but I admitted I have "issues" to deal with - I know therapy will only help - and I was planning on seeing a therapist, at some point (haha).

Upper GI went easily.  From what I could see, I do have the normal organs in the normal places (no freaking out from the staff is a good sign, right?)  I worried I was in for endoscopic probing - NOT FUN - but it was just a silly little session that included drinking dye & being Xray'd.

I am down only 15 pounds, but then again, I am DOWN 15 pounds!  Okay, small steps ;)

Last week I did terrible damage to my thighs :(  Got all happy about finding a good walking track - it was sunny - I was ambitious -- I got CHAFFED!  It's been a WEEK!  I still have some residual, but getting back into my walking shoes ;)  Worst part of the self infliction of damage - I could not even swim -- think where the suit grabs!  Here, let me illustrate: (__!__)

One more step taken, a whole lot more to go!
B  : )~