Brenda C.

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I cannot figure out where my shorts are hidding.  I put them away last year when Winter came, for the life of me, they must have runaway.  Jeff has been on my butt to buy some new ones, but I put it off as it is never cheap to replace clothing in my size.  I was cruising the closeouts on one of the Fat Lady Clothing Stores, and ordered three pairs - figuring if they didn't fit, they might in a month of dieting.  The shorts were so cheap, it just made sense.

They arrived, and I was skeptical, so I threw them in the washing machine.  If they came out from washing & drying, they would be pre-shrunk so I could figure out how long it would take to fit in these denim goodies.  Today I pulled them out, and pulled one pair on - a little snug - but wooohooo, they fit!  They aren't like super tight, so I am very happy.  Score for the fat chick!  I paid under $40 for three pairs of denim shorts - shipping included - dang!

Many average sized people, or even smaller fat folk just don't get how emotionally draining it is to shop for clothing.  I have surpassed most clothing store sizing, even Lane Bryant.  Skirts can work, but denim pants are usually out for me.  Sporting a size 38 on the bottom is tough.  I am a pear, so tops & skirts can be found.  I have now admitted how really big I am, I need to kick my work up a notch.

To all those who don't think they can exercise due to injury, just try walking if you cannot swim.  I will be sporting my new shorts and walking in the sun.  It takes a long time, but I am finally seeing a little progress, which helps keep me motivated ;)

B  : )~ 

I was having a conversation earlier today with a friend on OH who told me she needed some positive reinforcement.  Since we live very far apart, I told her about a group I had been involved in at various times of my life: T O P S. 

TOPS is a non-profit organization that stands for: Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  Funny thing, the first time I had joined TOPS I was (I think) age nine, I thought TOPS stood for Toss Off Pounds Sensibly... which made all the ladies laugh.  Anyhow, I wanted to share the TOPS Pledge - or at least what I remember of it!

I am an intelligent person, I am in control of my emotions, and will not let my emotions control me. Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses, I will remember that although I eat in private, my excess pounds are there for all the World to see (what a fool I’ve been), I will Take Off Pounds Sensibly.

I actually tried to find a written copy of the TOPS Pledge, but could not locate it.  So, if I have any mistakes, please let me know - I am going by memory!

So many times when I was about to hide out & eat, I would hear THIS pledge in my head.  It may sound corny, but this pledge has meant a lot to me -- I am actually going to try saying it (if only in my head) once a day, to encourage myself. 

B  : )~

I have been making beans two days in a row, now.  They are so high in all the good stuff, and man, I sure make a mean pot of beans!  Not that I didn't already know how to cook healthy, I am being more aware of portion size.

Well, here's to that Musical Fruit!  High in fiber & protein, low on calories & fat, and just plain YUMMY!

B  : )~

The other week, I ordered a bunch of seeds over the Internet - I always get so excited to play in dirt, maybe I should have been a farmer!  I have quite a few seeds starting on my upper deck - I always worry if I plant my seeds in my flower patch, they may somehow not make it... So, I watch over my little seedlings, tend them, then get excited when I can move them into my flower patch!  I may sound silly, but growing things really brings me pleasure.  More dirt, less television, less being near food to graze on!

On my deck I have beans, peas, zucchini, tomatoes - 4 varieties, and various flowers.   I am playing around with 4 different roses - not really sure how to make them happy, it gets really cold here, so I am working on the theory of pots.  The weather is lovely, today, not too cool, and not too warm. 

Short post, by my standards, but I like to remind my (future) self that it isn't always rain & clouds in Seattle!  Here's to "filtered sunlight"!

B  : )~

There are days I feel really good about myself, and then there are those days that challenge my resolve.  Today has turned into the later.

I have had a very pleasant afternoon.  Other than the usual stuff that can blemish a nice quiet time, I have enjoyed a quiet afternoon "off in my head".  For some, solitude is more like a punishment.  For me, it is actually welcomed -- I have joked that I am "self-amusing, I could handle days of solitary confinement -- so Warden, do your worst!" 

I just got a letter that I had to sign for.  Considering my history of things that can and do go wrong, I actually felt a little sick to my stomach seeing my mail carrier coming to my front door.  Okay, suspense has been enough?  The letter was from the University of Washington.  For those who have followed my uphill battle, I am finally released from the emotional hell I went through.  I am officially out of their program.

Funny thing, I had already left their program in my mind, but they had to add insult to injury and send this certified letter to not only myself, but also my primary doctor.  Last week I had a fabulous visit with good Doctor Fleming - I just love a doctor who TELLS you they are excited to see you - and she asked if I wanted/needed her to make some calls to get me through my process toward surgery.  I was proud to tell her that I was handling it, and not letting my delays keep me from my goal.

For those who have not lived in an obese body, it is hard to imagine what being fat means.  It is not only a physical impedance, there are so many social and emotional hurdles, that either make you or break you.  Looking at my life in its entirety, I have seen where I lost my optimism, regained it, then lost some -- only to decide to pull my big girl panties up and move forward.  Sure, being fat sucks on many levels, but damn it, I still have my will to LIVE!  For those who know me, yes, I can be very loud, but that is who I am: Loud & full of Life!

I have to remind myself that if people are staring at me, it could be merely because they are not used to seeing someone of my size.  Who knows, maybe some are giving me mental high fives for not just hiding away, watching Jerry Springer, eating snack cakes... I have to give myself a mental high five for all the things I do in public, so I do.  Being a supporter of ones self is probably not really considered, but maybe it is like love: If you want to be loved, you must first love yourself. 

Being someone elses "cheerleader" works well for me, not only because I love to make up silly songs that rhyme, but because I am also MY OWN cheerleader.  So on that note... Two, Four, Six, Eight, I refuse to wallow and except crappy fate!  I will love myself and MOTIVATE!!!

Told you so!
B  : )~

I went to the WLS Seminar at Virginia Mason with Dr. Hunter today, and baring any problems, I may finally have a surgeon, and soon, have a surgical date.

The process is long, but that is no reason to deter anyone from seeking the knowledge and tools to finally succeed with getting their weight and health under control.  It's a journey, not just a destination.

Hopefully, I will have more to write about this upcoming week.

B  : )~

The first real heat of the Pacific Northwest just came with an ugly sizzle.  To this point, we had only hit 75 degrees TWICE, so hitting upper 90's was rough.  I did minimal work around the house, but I barely made it through shopping ;)  Hard to push through the heat, but thanks to the big Ice Tea Jeff got me, I carried on ;)  Walking around large stores sometimes is good exercise, even if I feel like I wussed out.

No word from Dr Hunter's Office, shucks.  I see my regular doc on Monday, so I will fill her in on my journey.  I want her to look over my previous bloodwork (March), as there were some questions I had.

I am inspired enough to pull my daughters bike out of the garage -- If folks don't want to see this fat chick pedal around town, I will post my comings & goings!  I want to check a path near home - runs along the Green River & a public golf course.  I hate to wuss out, but I think it is a better idea that I start out with flat areas - until I am lighter.  Nothing like the thought of having to push a bike back to your truck, if anything went wrong...  Jeff is now wondering about getting a bike for himself ;)  On the road, again... hee hee hee!
B : )~

After being up all night - literally!  I had to be at Dr Hunter's Office by 8:30am to fill out info.  When I called to ask about getting an appointment, I was greeted with, "Oh wow!  This never happens, we have a cancellation for Monday morning..."  WOOO!  So, after playing too late with friends & family, I heard everyone else within a three mile radius blowing up their fireworks for the Fourth of July, I was tired & excited when morning rolled 'round.

The initial intake was with Nurse Practitioner "Kat" Katherine Redmond.  I was asked lots of questioned, measured, inspected, then told, "You may actually be able to get an appointment very soon with the doctor..."  I already did their Online Test to prove I am knowledgeable about the procedure, faxed in my psych evaluation, and given an EKG.  I was also told that there is a good chance I can get my tummy tuck COVERED!

Finally, some good news for a change ;) 
B : )~

For those who watched the Three Stooges, you know what comes next!

Okay, here we go, again ;)  I made an appointment to see Dr Hunter.  I also finally got a return phone call from "Ruth" over at UW - she took over for Angel, as we are not speaking to each other (yeah, I know it sounds childish, but if you cannot have a civil conversation - and be heard - or understand the view of the other - time to move on).  I talked at length with Ruth, and I am left thinking, "Did she EVER read the report of Dr Petek?!"  I asked - politely, if she could read my report, have the rest of the team read it, and get back to me -- do I continue, or am I done.  I knew this process took time, but I think in my case, I got derailed two months.

Plan: I am signed up with the WLS Seminar given by Dr Hunter - check!  I have an appointment with Dr Hunter's intake person, Kat Redmond - check!  I will stay positive - CHECK!

Things happen for a reason, even if I cannot figure out the reason - it is Life Experience!  Jeff is going forward with Dr Oh, he is still kind of unsure to go Sleeve or RNY, he gets his endoscope in a couple weeks, so maybe he can narrow it down.

B  : )~