Brenda C.

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As I sit here drinking my coffee (yup, typical for Seattle!), I realize I am dehydrating myself.  More water - not flavored, not ice tea - my body needs more water.  I had two weeks of good weigh ins, then I realized yesterday, that I had allowed my water consumption to fall a bit.

When I have heard the basics of "how much water should a person consume, daily" I laugh a little -- Guess I need to swap my 40 oz bottle for a gallon jug!  One is supposed to drink half their weight in  ounces - that is a scary number!  Then, I realize after surgery you are not supposed to drink with meals, I still like to drink a large glass of water before I eat.  Some studies have shown it does assist in weight loss.

Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink... Sounds a lot like Seattle & the Barista Shacks on every corner!  With that, I am going to fill my water jug, now!

B  : )~

Wow.  One day it is high 80's, next (literally!) it is barely 61 degrees, I am stumped.  Aug-uary???

I haven't really been getting my walks in, swam only a little bit, I am feeling the blahs.   I am going to point the finger of "self responsibility" at the weather!  Hahaha!  It isn't my fault. it's the crappy weather... So far this summer, Seattle Washington has seen I think 6 days over 90 degrees - 3 days one week, then another 3 days a different week -- all separated by weird gloomy weather.  My plants are way confused, I think I now know why they sell hydroponics up here -- not just for the weed growers!

I caught myself yesterday trying to justify a fast food burger, ugh.  I ate it, only the burger, but I just broke an almost three week abstinence from fast food.  Bummer.  In the past, I was on a supervised fast - 650 calories - a soy shake diet.  What I would do when I wanted to "Cheat," I would figure out what I wanted, and did the math -- "Hmmm, two shakes would be 260 calories, I can have a beer instead..."  So, when I was in the group therapy sessions, I would announce a "planned" cheat, which got me into trouble with the therapist!  Then all the other members in the group would announce their "Brenda-ism" saying they too, had a Planned Cheat... Trust me, I ended up pissing off the therapist, but became the champion of the other fatties - not something I should be proud of, but...  I have to really examine why I was behaving that way - defiant - and make sure I have gotten it under control.  The 300 calories of that plain burger should not take the place of two shakes, but it did, and I admitted it in my Food Journal.

Focus, Brenda, focus!  Having gotten a date to meet with the surgeon, I need to stay the course and show how compliant I am.  No time to start screwing around, that liquid pre-surgical diet is coming, so better to get rid of thoughts that are counter productive.  Today, I am back on track.  I will not justify bad behavior, even though I got the nickname "Senator Carroll" for that very reason.  The Senator from the Evergreen State approaches the podium, "I am not a CHEAT!"

Exercise, yup, that's what I think I need.  Hmm, less typing, more movement!
B  : )~

I guess I should have paid more attention when I heard, "It's harder to lose weight as we age..."  Grrrr!  Keeping the food journal, my worst cheat day was 1635 calories, my best 865 calories.  Staying away from wheat/grain carbs, indulging in veggie & fruit carbs, and getting great protein & water consumption.  So damn slow, that scale is just sticking it's tongue out at me.

Kinda threw some weight around at the doctors office, ha ha!  Karen, the nurse who has been weighing me all these weeks, actually considered my behavior, took me to the surgeons scheduler, and got me a consult with the surgeon - yeah!  September 20, three days before my birthday, and HOPEFULLY a surgical date in this YEAR!  My BMI had the scheduler concerned, but damn it!  I am compliant!  To hedge my bets, I will ask my primary doc to send over a letter!  Couldn't hurt, could it?

I have close to a month to drop another 27 pounds, so I guess it is back to the old grind stone!
B  : )~

Out with friends on Sunday, the subject of, "Where's the closest 7 Eleven around here?  I think it's Slurpee time!"  So I get all excited, thinking I can drink Crystal Light - next to NO calories... So we all head to 7 Eleven.

Jeff asked me on our second trip this week, in search of other Crystal Light Slurpee flavors, "So how many calories are in Crystal Light Slurpees?"  "Oh, I am thinking about 20 or 40 calories, similar to the drink..."

I decided to look up the calories, and SHOCKINGLY Crystal Light Slurpees are about the SAME calories as a NON-diet Slurpee!!!  Okay, can I sue for false advertisement???  EVIL SLURPEE PUSHERS!!!

Do NOT be fooled, I feel stupid assuming I was getting a diet drink :(

B : )~

OH is doing a childhood obesity survey, and would like lots of feedback.  Please pass it on, and fill it out.

Brenda  : )~

http://bit.ly/dygwy3

Four pounds, that is the amount I have lost in a week.  For many it would be a jubilant moment, but I am just barely able to celebrate.  My total loss since March is 21 pounds, I still need another 13 pounds before I can ask to schedule an appointment with the surgeon, so I feel a little low.  So many reasons could be behind the slow loss, I just feel like I am becoming too obsessed, and don't know what I need at this point.

I am keeping journals for food & exercise, and from the math, I should be seeing better numbers.  I am careful to consume veggie & fruit carbs, along with very lean meat and protein powder.  I am reading so many labels, checking charts, I think I need to breathe deeply and relax.

Medically, I am having an odd occurrence with my menses.  Last month, it lasted 13 or 14 days, this month, I am currently on day 8, with little sign of it tapering off.  I am curious if this has anything to do with my trying to lose weight.  Are my hormones going insane?  I have next to nil sex drive, so if the hormones are freaking out, why isn't it causing hyper sexual behavior?  I am starting to sound like some mad scientist... ugh!

It is probably a good thing I do not have access to a centrifuge, or I probably would start drawing blood, and putting it under a microscope!  Man, what makes me do all this?  What ever happened to the "Don't worry, be happy" girl I used to be?!

The weather is cooling, which for another odd thing -- we had 3 days of over 90 -- I was not all that phased by it...  When others were panting and complaining, I was "Oh boy!  I want to lay in the sun!"  Which, I did for a short time - don't want to worry over skin cancer!  I will pull my big girl shorts up, don my faux candy necklace (I just made & really think is so cute!), and smile as I spend my day -- being POSITIVE!  Chins up, fat girl!  It is good health you seek!

B : )~

Silly I know, but I love celery.  It is a combination of the crunch and the sodium.  Carrots are great, but just not the same as celery!  Crunch, crunch, crunch, I am happily munching on my late afternoon snack...

B  : )~

A lot of things that did not appeal to me about Gastric Bypass was how the significant weight loss changed the people I used to know.  I may still "know them," but in a sense, a different person came from within. I have spoken openly about the odd transformation I have witnessed, and may actually be guilty of in my past, I just hope I really "get it" this time.

My former best friend has always been self centered, but she became a different person when she lost over 200 pounds.  We have had three really bad falling outs in the past, this time she is not getting back the same place in my life she once occupied.  Part of my anger may have been the "why her & not me" selfish behavior, but when I actually look at the "score" of our friendship -- she lost a lot of points from her selfish behavior.

My friend lost a tremendous amount of weight, and I was supportive.  We had ended up with many states separating us, so finding trips to spend with each other was important to us.  To this point in the almost three decade friendship, I have only been smaller than her twice.  The first time we met, then right before our second real split from each other.  I lost count how many times I would forgive her, even when she could not see she was at fault, so this last time we tried mending fences, it just isn't the same.  When I really needed her, not just emotionally but physically, she gave me three hours of her visit.  No kidding, I had to drive to her mother's home and spend three hours in the garage, and she was too busy showing all her old friends her fabulous NEW body. 

I tried to understand her need to get positive reinforcement, but I was the one person who was always there - rain or shine. When my world was in a monsoon, she was too busy with people who somehow mattered more to her, then Brenda, Old Faithful.  It was difficult giving up a friendship I had cherished, but for some reason I had to put my foot down.  Five long years later, she contacted me on Facebook.  I was actually able to tell her how I really felt, only to have her not get it.  She actually believed I was the wrong doer - that she was being the bigger person and allowing me her forgiveness.  Wow, it is interesting how we can justify our actions - I am guilty from time to time - but I also can see the truth when it is glaring in my face.

Her constant negativity has actually reminded me to look for the positivity in my life.  When she goes into her "poor me" monologue, I giggle a little and tell her only positive things back.  See, I have not completely grown, but I am getting there.  Life really is good, because we are able to learn and grow and hopefully become better people.  Maybe I am being childish at deriving pleasure from her misfortune, but I am trying to respond only positively without bragging.  My week has started in a negative mood, but I am trying that much harder to not give in & wallow.

I gained half a pound this week.  It was not fun facing the scale, but it did make me realize I need to work harder at succeeding.  Instead of stomping my feet emotionally as I have in the past, I will remind myself why this happened, and that next week will be better.  It actually takes effort for me to be a better person, but at least I am putting my face forward in a positive direction.  I just hope I did not bury that little Optimist I was growing up as!  The cup is full because I was able to be satisfied with a smaller cup!!!

B  : )~

The title is funny, if you live in the Seattle, Washington Area you would know we are having a crazy Summer - it has been raining on & off the last couple of days.  The title actually is more metaphorical, I have been in the dumps a few days now, just to wake up to destroyed bed linens -- the dreaded Aunt Flow.  Since my body never seems to behave as it should, I cannot call it my "Monthly Visitor," maybe it is my "Infrequent Annoyance"?  I just keep thinking, "It figures!!"

I skipped going in for my weigh in today, opting for tomorrow.  I have been plugged up, and had to address that issue, only to have yet another "pop" up.  UGH.  All I keep hearing in my demented head are horrible commercials for feminine products!  Let's get personal... Do others who have carried/currently carry a lot of weight in their lower abdomen -- Pannus - or fat apron -- ever have their "flow" find tributaries around their pubis???  I doubt it is just me, but I am feeling really pissed off at how gross my body is at the moment.

Before anyone gives me advise, just realize I am on a rant.  "And this too shall pass"... Last month I had a period that lasted 13 or 14 days!!!  I keep telling myself it is probably my body's way of eliminating iron, or some other valid reason.  I just know one thing, I feel G R O S S !!!

Keep your chocolate bars hidden!  Don't have conversations with me, expecting sound responses!  Don't expect to see me in my cute shorts - for a while ;)  I just hate being a girl!!

B  : )~

Anyone who really knows me, would probably do a double take -- you know, "What? What! What?!?" hearing me complain about my sex drive (actually, it is the lack there of).  What in all that is good has happened?  Where did I lose it, and is there a "Lost & Found" I can check?!

Maybe I over analyze (haha!), but I am pretty sure something has gone terribly wrong with me.  For some freaky reason I am very emotionally flat.  I keep asking myself if it is weight gain, medications, some weird "change of life" thing, and worst yet, I am being asked by Jeff if it is HIM - it isn't.  I told him the other day I haven't a clue, that I am hoping it is some weird fluke that will correct itself, but this is the FIRST time in my life I wasn't even interested in anything.

I know with all the personal upheaval I went through, some lack of interest was to be expected, but my life is GREAT right now.  Very few things are bothering me, so what gives?  Jeff once joked with me, "Now that you aren't mad at the World, you just don't seem as sexually (ummm, maybe I better let the reader fill in the blank...)..."  I don't know.  How can things be going well, and the pilot light is out?!

Crossing my fingers that when I go under the knife, the surgeon can flick the switch on my sex drive!  Shaking my head, am I really saying this to the World?!  What happened to that happy Pervert everyone knew & loved?!  This isn't funny, anymore -- no more cosmic joke with me being the punchline!

B ... ugh : )~