Brenda C.

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I was laughing as I was writing my friends here on OH -- which is a wonderful time for me to reflect on my journey.   That's when I said to someone, "I really love shopping at Non-Fat stores," making a reference to Lame Giant... Lane Bryant, if you didn't get the jab!  Clothing is so much cheaper when you are closer to the "normal" sizes!  I bought 15 items at one store for under $75!!!  Old Navy I spent $42 for 6 tops, 4 camis, a pair of sleep pants!!!  My new Brenda-ism since the last Brenda-ism: Non-Fat Stores!

Clean out your closets!!!  Start watching for sales!  Start looking at the Non-Fat Stores!!!  You will have more fun then when you were in High School, I promise!!!

Am I too old to wear this?  Who cares!  I feel FABULOUS!
Stay Positive!
Brenda : )~

Not a whole lot of things trigger my head hunger (ha, that should be read with a tone of sarcasm), but I do want to talk about what I call H'Anger.  Nope, not a hanger for clothing, it is the emotional need - or severe want, I guess - to feed my angered psyche.  Some folks eat when they are sad, when they are happy and/celebrating, but I haven't had too many folks say they eat out of anger.  I am one of those who will reach for "forbidden" foods when I am severely pissed off.

Intellectually, I know I am not REALLY hungry, I just feel like if I feed the anger, it will magically disappear (HA!).  Thinking back, I know I used this tactic as a child.  Why in the world would a person feel a way to get back at those people they are angry with, would be to shove food in their face?  I guess I may need to reflect on this, and I'll get back to you!  Punishing others by eating is in fact punishing myself, sigh.  Maybe I do have more things messed up in my head, than I previously though (currently think).

Before anyone tells me that "anger is a useless emotion," I seriously get it.  As a child, I really was that kid who tried to please EVERYONE.  Always working hard for acceptance, yet because I was fat, I never quite met the mark (at least in my head).  Being the Teachers Pet was just an added bonus -- and probably making me an easier target for those who didn't just single out the "fat kid".  So, if I have always wanted to please others, why would I live a fat life?  Almost as vexing as the Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop question.

Sadly, most programs in Bariatrics do NOT address the emotional issues -- but this is changing!!!  In my opinion - yup, I have more than a few of those - anyone wanting to get surgical intervention, should have to do more than just pass a psychiatric evaluation (I actually challenged one program & paid out of pocket for a doctors expert opinion - I REALLY wanted to do "this" right).  Head hunger is probably the best known phrase for us WLS folks.  Cruel, we can think we want something so bad, we will be willing to do ANYTHING to get it; but when the going gets tough (or too easy), we sabotage ourselves with food.

Maybe it is a good thing I try to keep my anger in check!  Are you one like me, "eating your emotions away"?  Well, try to remember, what YOU eat in PRIVATE, will be VISIBLE to EVERYONE.  I do not care about your food journal - YOU should care about it.  If you are willing to lie to yourself (that's a little blunt, huh?), I am pretty sure lying to others will be easy... "I just cannot figure out how I am stuck/gaining/feeling yucky" -- do a REAL evaluation of what you are eating & what is eating you (that is a great pun).  Stop feeding your head & heart -- start feeding the entire body, HEALTHFULLY!

Stay Positive!
Brenda : )~

Last night at one of my support group meetings, we received a challenge: Keep a journal of your food, and get credit for eating five ingredient meals.

I have to say, the other group members are in for a good fight, I have been keeping my food journal for over two years - well, the current one on my phone is only 10 months old, but I have been keeping it daily.  My approach to eating has been the theory of less processed foods for a very long time -- that is where the five ingredient or less comes into use.  If it walked or was picked, that is ONE ingredient, or just the simplest food you can start with.  When you start adding oil, processed binders to any dish, it starts to sound more like a school science project.  I like the acronym, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid.  Hey, whatever works, right?

Anyhow, what I have planned for tonight's meal is simple - chicken breast that has been cooked in a tomatillo sauce (chicken broth, seasoning, and tomatillos), and stored in the refrigerator over night (I am in love with the flavor).  I then take corn tortillas, dip them in hot water, and stuff them with the chicken that has been stored in the tomatillo sauce.  Roll them and place them open sides down in a casserole pan, then pour the remaining sauce over the enchiladas, and add low fat cheese before baking.  It's easy, and less than 5 ingredients, if you don't count the seasoning.  Since I control what goes in, a full, non bariatric serving is around 250 calories.  I also make non-fat beans by cooking my own pinto beans & just mashing them with some bouillon.  Its a little more work than just buying a can, but it's worth it!

I wrote before about my orange chicken, I was bored and just started looking in the fridge for something to cook.  Orange juice with a little seasoning (I like a touch of garlic & onion, pepper to taste) in a frying pan with some veggies is FABULOUS.  Easy to make, tasty, and very healthy.

When I moved out on my own, I had to learn how to cook, my mom wasn't very domestic.  I am also a fairly picky eater, I hate mayo, am leery of fast food (I was 19 before I knew I could order a Big Mac with only cheese & lettuce), so I would create sometimes great, sometimes not so great dishes.  Apples in the microwave, unpeeled, are fabulous!  Sprinkle a little cinnamon, and attack with a fork!  You don't like cooked broccoli?  Have you ever simmered it in chicken bouillon?  Just do not cook it to mush.  Corn on the cob without butter?  I take my corn, remove the silk & save the husk,  a little olive oil then I grind seasoning that I use on my salads, pull the husks back up & tie with loose husks -- grill for 15 minutes, YUM!

In this world where it is so easy to just buy a box & microwave it, have you ever looked at the ingredients?  If I cannot pronounce it, I try not to buy it.  I make full use of my bulk foods section at my grocery store, it is fun to see what they have!  Quinoa is great to use as a filler in meat loaf or in the place of a rice dish.  If you purchase foods less processed in the bulk foods section, you are saving money, and getting a chance to flex you creative muscles.

When you stop and think about meal preparation, sure it can take a little longer when you make it from scratch, but you also know what went into it.  Before I had surgery, I ate very healthy foods, so I did not have cholesterol issues, nor problems with blood sugar.  I was severely morbidly obese, but I had a very healthy - just too large in quantity - diet.  When I cook, I try to find double uses for my meals -- I have lots of left overs, so I have become even more creative.  My family eats what I eat, so we are all healthy.  I am proud of my daughter for turning her nose up to fast food, when I have served the dive thru fast food because I was too lazy to cook.  "MOM! I hate this greasy garbage!"  My saving grace for drive thru - the grilled chicken salad!  Those folks at Wendy's found a way to get me to buy from them a couple times a month, damn it! 

Taking the time to eat right is what you should do for yourself.  If you are worth the extra half hour, then why aren't you taking advantage of fresh ingredients?  If you limit the trips to the fast food drive thru, not only will you start saving money, you will eat better and your family will enjoy sitting down together -- instead of the "grab my bag & go..." eating I used to allow.

For the next month, why not try having at least three home cooked dinners, and see if you can stay in the five ingredient challenge?

Stay Positive!
Brenda : )~

I pulled an early morning swim today, I was a little unnerved, but needed to work off some steam.  I did mile 371 this morning, and I have to say, I am LOVING my new waterproof mp3 player!  I mentioned it, but did not give more information about it -- it is not in the ear, but plays through my cheekbone, and I bought the extended warranty, since I've already killed 2 sets of waterproof earplugs with my other player.  Yes, they do make waterproof mp3 players -- but mine is hopefully a better player, and I can still use my ear plugs to keep water from giving me the dreaded swimmers ear, sigh.  Anyhow, do your research, but I am rocking out to the Finis SwiMP3.2 Player.

What's going through my mind?  Well, I hadn't brought it up, but I had to have a skin lesion removed today.  I saw my doctor back on the 25th of last month with a wound that just would not heal -- it is in the middle of my waist, in the middle of my back, so not the best place to have stitches!  Anyhow, I have tried to not get worked up over it, but worst case they check the biopsy and tell me it is skin cancer.  After treating it for over two weeks, the wound that had been on my back a month and a half was still not healing, so I now have a chunk of skin removed & what will hopefully be a cool scar.  My doctor told me to not swim for a few days, and of course, don't bend over -- or I may pop a stitch.

Upon leaving the doctors office, I ran a couple errands, or at least tried to -- yet another store closure that took me off guard, sigh.  Losing weight means all new bras - I bought new ones the other day, but somehow grabbed one too small.  Stopping for a couple items at the grocery store, I succumbed to the fresh flowers.  Says the florist, "Sometimes we just have to treat ourselves!"  To which, I agree -- when is the last time YOU had fresh flowers?  Go out & spend a couple bucks - I got a good deal on a dozen "rainbow" colored roses, and I am enjoying them now.  When you buy your flowers, think about YOU each time you look at them, I promise it will bring you nothing but smiles!

I called a friend to invite her to a support group meeting, but she has a headache.  When is the last time YOU went to a support group meeting?  You know they are there for your own good, why not make a commitment to go to at least one this month?  Anyhow, I will be happy to see folks I haven't seen in over a month, and make sure I am back on the straight & narrow!  Talking with others who are going through the same issues is the best way to keep your head in the game -- so if you haven't gone to a support group meeting, it is time to start looking for one.  Ask your doctors office, check here on the State Forum -- you may find one closer than you think!  If you really cannot find one, consider starting one!  I did ;)

With most of the United States suffering from heat, I am still stuck wearing 3/4 length sleeves and long pants -- it's a chilly 64 degrees in Seattle.  Hoping my back is healed in time, I have some big plans for my summer!  I have two decks that run the back of my home, they need to be replaced, guess who is getting a quick course in carpentry?  Yup, I have been looking forward to being strong enough to do the grunt work, it will make me enjoy those decks more!  I must say, before losing more than 180 pounds, I could not imagine myself volunteering to do such heavy labor, but I am so looking forward to it!

Cleaning out my closets, I actually had to start replacing clothing, so for the first time in years, I am actually "in style".  I laughed when telling some of my friends the new stores I am now able to shop in -- and one especially, the "hoochie mama store"!  I will post a photo or two, but I thought the "80's look" was LONG GONE... Nope, it is back, and sadly, I love how it looks on me!  Shorts, short skirts, snug tops, correct fitting bras -- oh, and CUTE panties!  I didn't go too far, but I finally cut loose with some money and am looking pretty good.  Often I forget to reward myself for the hard work, but when I do -- I reward myself well -- you should too!

With the stitches in my back, I will be walking instead of swimming.  Lucky for me I have cool weather.  Stay positive, and get your body moving!

Brenda : )~

I think I figured out that all the things that are important to me have one thing in common: Commitment.

First off, I want to say that after the Olympic Diving Trials has finally "left the building," I am happily back in my usual pool, and I finally gave myself a treat for being committed to this whole process.  What was the gift?  I got something I have wanted for over a year now, but was just too much of a tight wad to "invest" in - Finis Bone Conductive SwiMP3 Player (not really a plug, more informative to folks wanting to rock out while swimming).

Mile marked today, 368!  Yup, on my way to 600, one day at a time.  The commitment thing I spoke of earlier is going to tie in, I swear, just keep reading.  Being active isn't always what I want to do every day, but I know if I do not swim, I will slowly start gaining weight.  Once you are over a year out, most folks taper off the weight loss, and the only thing that works for me is exercise.  Five days a week, I have a commitment to my health to swim, which is a good deal.  When I start to backslide, all I have to do is pull out my phone and look at myself on the beach at 474 pounds - works every time.

Having to write down every bite of food is a pain sometimes, but again, going back to my commitment to be healthy, it keeps me accountable.  Yes, I even mark down the 12 macadamia nuts I just "had to have," 115 calories that I have to account for.  I used to use pen to paper, then moved to the laptop, but in the day of the "smart phone," there is an "app" for that.  If I did not write down each bite I take, I already know what I do -- I underestimate what all I have eaten... Ever look up what the average "Happy Meal" has nutritionally?  I used to think that because I ate a kids portion of food, I was doing all right.  Nope.  If you are like me, I LOVE to see how my "numbers" end up at the end of the week -- how did I use my nutritional math to my advantage -- how can I do better?

Commitment to myself and others, that brings me to the important subject of support.  After feeling less than myself for close to two months, I considered what I was doing that impacted others around me.  Maybe folks take it for granted that there will be support group meetings whether they attend or not. When you are the one running them, you have to show up.  In a month, I attend two meetings in person, and lead two more, but I just had no one signing up to attend, so I dropped the ball.  It took a month before folks noticed, and I still just kept my head down and said I would come back when I felt better.  Well folks, when you are setting up things, you need to feel "up" all of the time.  Health does effect our mood, so I needed to commit to getting two iron infusions to improve how I was feeling physically and mentally.

Committing to getting your blood work done regularly may seem like something that isn't as important to some, but in my case, after surgery I had become anemic.  I will beat a pot loudly to make others hear me - take your supplements and have your doctor check you for deficiencies.  I feel great again, physically, and frankly my over all mood is improving!

Committing to take care of myself is pretty important, as if I am not well, my home & life seems to fall apart.  Trust me, daily chores when done regularly is so much easier than one, big, overwhelming project!  This is when I go back to telling folks that if you do something 21 days in a row, it becomes habit.  If you miss a day, then start the 21 days over -- it really will not effect you, trust me.  I have been on the same 21 days a few years now, and I am happier when I have a routine to follow.

Believe it or not, I feel a sense of commitment to all my doctors - and my nurses.  My main doctor has been behind me way before I decided I needed more help to get my health back, so I see her every couple of months to show her my progress.  My bariatric surgeon gave me his time and expertise, so I will give him back the next couple of years of my life to show he did not waste his time on me.  My reconstructive surgeon gave me ease of movement, so I am committed to show others that I am not wasting the new physical capabilities I have been given.  If that seems odd to you, just imagine what it would be like to have 18 pounds of loose flesh swaying every move you make, removed.  I will continue to work on my body, as I do not like being a wasteful person -- if you got it, use it!  Being able to move more easily, well I now love moving all day long.  Many folks think that after a year or so they can just live a "normal" life, but in my case I know I have to continue working on mine.

Having a positive attitude can come easily, if you are willing to change how you react and face your own life.  There are moments I would prefer to not interact with others, but I force myself.  I decided as a kid, that being isolated was not healthy, that if I can bring a smile on at least one other person's face, it also brings one to mine.  Trust me, I know what negative feels and looks like, and frankly, it isn't attractive to me.  Willing to say hello to ten strangers a day is not always easy, but if you try it, you will find YOU smile and maybe make a new friend.  When I was young, I was fat, but I decided that if I was the best person I could be, then I had few complaints.  Some fat kids are isolated, I was the opposite.  Being the first to volunteer to do things opens you up to meeting more people, and learning how to do more things.

I am making my commitment to write in my blog more regularly, as I just feel behind and it has been hard to dig my way back out.  One of the commitments I made when I started making friends on OH is that I ALWAYS respond to every email -- I will be working on my back log, but know that I will not forget anyone!  Find something YOU want to commit to, and do it!

Stay Positive!
Brenda : )~