It's been too long.  Far, far too long. 

I'm not going to give excuses.  I'm depressed and ashamed because i'm letting my depression get to me.  I have chronic headaches and I've not been exercising.  My foods haven't been the best and I've been stalled.  It's all on me. 

I went for my 6 month check up the day after my 32nd birthday and they said I was doing great!  I was at 60% excess weight loss and that usually people are at 50% at their 6 month check.  I've not had any major complications aside from gas and nausea..and depression.  So I've had the doctor change my meds...again.  and they aren't working so we did this special DNA test but I've not got the results.  blah blah.

So, here I am.  four weeks from my brother's wedding and I'm in the bridal party, of course.  I'm so nervous.  I'm succeeding at something that I've never succeeded at in my entire life and I'm not sure how to handle it.  I've never weighed this little.  I've never fit into a size 12 (did I mention that?? i started at a 22 and am into a size 12 now) and i realized today that I've lost twice as much weight as I have left to lose.  If I can lose 70+ I can lose 35.  i CAN do this. 

Which brings me back to OH.  I need to see other people who have succeeded who have previously not succeeded as much as they are now.  YOU are my inspiration.  and I want to be someone else's inspiration. 

Learning to love myself has been the biggest challenge of this WHOLE thing.  If I can do that...I really can succeed at anything.

So anyway, i'm back!  :D  I'll try to check in more than once every two months as I KNOW this gathering place will help me on my journey.  I just have to utilize every single tool available to me for success. 

Maybe it should be "The truth is the matter" but that's far too deep for me to consider at 6:15 this morning. 

I'm having issues.  I could say I'm having issues with food, with my new diet, with my new body, with my boyfriend, with my family...but what I'd really be saying is...I'm having issues with myself and I'm placing blame everywhere else and that's not fair to anyone including me.

This is the most insecure I've felt in a really, really long time.  I think I'm going through the phase of "man, this is real.  i'm succeeding at something" and I get to this point and then suddenly i'm like...whoa, must self sabotage because I am not worth succeeding.  Yes, that is my problem.  I don't think I'm worth it.  Now, please don't comment with things like "you're totally worth it" because you think that's what I need to hear.  it's nice, don't get me wrong, and I DO appreciate it.  but I'm the one that needs to tell myself that, not everyone else.  In my head, hearing it from everyone else just makes it that much harder because I have put myself into this mental place where no matter what people say, my internal chatterbox twists it around and makes it a complete and total lie.  Example:  Boyfriend sends text at 2:55 this morning and says "Sorry I didn't say goodnight.  phone died.  Jess (his ex who is in a long term relationship) called with an emergency and I didn't get home until 245.  I'll call you later and tell you about it.  it's very bad."  Now...this could be anything!!  but what does my head do??  My head twists this into "Sorry I didn't say good night.  I didn't get home until 245 because I was out fucking another girl.  I'm only saying I'll call to tell you about the "emergency" because I want it to be a believable story so you won't know the truth."  What has he done to deserve this sort of doubt? Nothing. at least not that I'm aware. but I shouldn't even say that! yet...I do. and then I wonder....will I be like this with everyone I date? Because if so, THEY are better off without me.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?  and it's like this with EVERYTHING.  My boss tells me I'm doing a great job but she wants to take things off my plate because I'm overloaded and I think its because she wants to learn my job since i'm the only one that knows a lot of what I do and she's going to fire me because I'm not good at what I do.  I was fucking employee of the year in 2011...the first one EVER. 

I am currently the lowest weight I remember.  Period.  I've lost more than half my excess body weight and yet, because I've stalled, I'm a failure.  I'm going to the gym.  I'm getting in much of my protein.  I'm having issues with sweets and veggies...no different than before, but I KNOW that is the self sabotage.  Did I mention I haven't eaten dinner since Saturday?  It's wednesday.  I have a shake for breakfast (that's how I get in much of my protein) and likely a lean cuisine for lunch, if that.  I had peanut butter on sunday and I was so nauseated, watching a carousel on TV gave me motion sickness.  I had to turn away. 

I'm not asking "why did I do this??" I'm asking "Why did I think I was worth it in the first place?"  and why is it so damned hard to find a reason to consider myself "worth it."  I have nothing to show for my life.  truly.  I have no kids, am not married, have a cop out degree, a dead end job, am bankrupt and have no confidence to change any of it. 

I used to have to say "Yes, I took a breath.  That is success."  and follow that up with "Yes, I took another breath.  Two successes in a row."  now....I tell myself "Wow stupid, breathing is involuntary.  You can't count that as success." 

first step, they say, is admitting you have a problem.  I have a problem.  I need to fix it.  I can't be ashamed of it.  I've suffered from depression for a LONG LONG time and sometimes what was working no longer does. 

Side note:  my new blu ray player is wifi and has a yoga channel.  maybe i should start doing that.  it may help with my stress levels.  I simply can't deal with anything at this point. 

I am strong.  I am beautiful.  I am lost and don't know where to find the non-broken person I am.  I don't even know where to begin.  I thought this surgery would help me find that person, and maybe i am on the right road, but this stage is just a slight detour. 

I need goals.  something to work towards.  something all my own.  I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I don't want to cheat myself, either, and set goals that are too low or too easily achievable.  I had one goal.  get to 170 before my 32nd birthday which is in 4 weeks.  it WAS 10.6 lbs.  now it's 11.8.  why did i go up?? and is my stomach growling or is it gas?  I can't tell anymore. 

and now I ask....anyone else experiencing complete and total chaos with emotions?? I swear i'm worse than a pregnant woman. 

which reminds me...I obviously am not succeeding at life because I can't even take a pregnancy test and get a result.  positive OR negative.  who does that?! Me obviously.  I'm on the depo shot and haven't had a period (well, one) in over 24 months.  the odds of me getting pregnant are very slim...

I'm such an emotional wreck.  Guess I'll hit the forums and see about major depression striking after surgery. 

Well, it's happened.  "Man, this must be really hard for you." he says...."What's that?" I ask.  "This thanksgiving potluck and all this food."  was his response.  "Not really," I say, "I organized the pot luck.  I have a food plan.  I'm good."  and it's TRUE! 

I don't need your food pity.  So little smokies probably weren't the optimal choice, but of what was available, it was the BEST choice.  I had a few of those, some cheese, and some sliced genoa salami.  I had one chip with some salsa.  and yes, I even had a BITE of two of the 6 different desserts we had.  Do I feel guilty?  Nope, a little nauseated b/c one was Peanut Butter Fudge (anyone have a SF recipe for that!?) and even though I ate less than half a tablespoon of that and less than half a tablespoon of some pineapple pie thing, they look at me like I'm some giant sinner.  Look.  It's about control.  Sure, i've got issues with cookies (which haven't reappeared by the way!) and now I know I can't have peanut butter fudge and I can't have whatever the pie was.  Fine, it's OKAY!  I focused on my proteins first and foremost.  Then I'm having water.  Really.  I'm GOOD.  Oh, then he tried to tell me that I should eat baby food because that really helped him bulk up when he was in college.  Um, hello. I'm trying to LOSE WEIGHT not bulk up!  Silly!  He's just trying to help, though, and I appreciate that.

I'm looking forward to the deviled eggs.  I make them every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.  I normally would've made them for the pot luck, but have had a cold and didn't want to give it to anyone else.  I know they like it when I share, but NOT germs. 

So anyway.  that's where I stand.  Black Friday List:  New bra, potentially a new pair of jeans, new sheets, and MAYBE a surround sound system for the living room, but if not that, at least a BluRay player so I don't have to constantly move from one room to the other. 

Things are going okay with the boy, I think.  Anxiety level is way higher than it should be, but it's been so long since I've been in a relationship EVERYTHING affects me.  But he understands that I got burned bad last time so I'm skeptical and second guess everything, especially myself.  But it seems every time we hang out, I lose weight.  Could it be because I'm too anxious to eat in front of him or because we have a lot of..um...fun.  ;)

Seriously though...10 lbs so far this month.  That's good, right?  about a pound every two days?  Far more than I could've hoped for, I assure you, especially after last month. 

that's all.  Love to all! 

*hugs*

Sarah x

Yes, I did just use the "C" word.  I have a problem and I need help.  My coworkers keep bringing cookies, today they had 50 cupcakes because we had 4 birthdays.  Chocolate chip cookies, no bake cookies with peanut butter, sugar cookies with little candy corn turkeys on them.  WTF PEOPLE!? 

I can't lie.  I've had cookies.  and i need to STOP.  I'm 10 weeks out and I'm having frigging cookies?  I had this surgery to change not just my life but my life STYLE as well. 

Melting Mama posted on FB the other day that 2 extra saltines a day equals a pound of gained weight in a year.  What if i have a cookie a day!?  THEN where I am I??

Here's the issue...I've been "testing" to see what I can eat without causing dumping syndrome but...I'm not sure what dumping syndrome is!  I thought maybe I'd have a wicked upset stomach or start throwing up, but neither has happened.  I have some nausea, but i get that if I eat too fast. 

Yesterday, I moved the bloody cookies to a desk that I don't see every time I walk down the hall.  And I've asked them to please not bring cookies.  Oh, they had halloween candy so I thought, hey I'll bring in some sugar free so I can still feel like I'm part of the group....made me feel like a giant pile of POO!  Seriously.  The only other thing that I've eaten that has made me feel that bad is....well, I had a bite of a cupcake at a 6 year old's birthday party and THAT was bad.  She kept insisting, though.  hard to tell a 6 year old no when she's trying to give you a cupcake.  and I daren't teach her the word "diet" because I do NOT want to be blamed for any complexes she may have when she gets older. 

I resisted the cupcakes today (since I had such an awful experience with the 6 year old) and I feel okay about that, but...not the rest of it.  No. More. Cookies.  No more SCREWUPS.  Not now. 

Riddle me this, though, Batman...why is it so easy for me to decide to eat a cookie when I start CRYING over whether I should eat a lean cuisine or just skip dinner??  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

Food is the devil. 

PS: I think that guy and I from several blogs ago, even presurgery ones, are officially together.  and I find out on Thursday if/why my uterus is screwed up and causing me A) not to have periods and B) not to be able to have kids. Probably won't find out anything, but hanging with a 6-year old at Chuck E Cheese (No, I didn't eat pizza, I had a muscle milk!) made me wish I had a kid of my own to yell at when they would be doing things they aren't supposed to do. oh well. that's a WHOLE different blog.

Pizza Out!

Sarah x

I'm two months out from RNY and i've been having pain just under my rib cage on the right side, typically after I eat. It's not the same kind of pain that I get if I eat too fast or don't chew well enough, it's over to the side and different. I've been dealing with the intermittent pain for about a week and a half now, but yesterday I also started having pain in my lower right side.

When I went to my pre-op, my surgeon said he and my abdomen are married. If anything needs to be done to my abdomen, he's the one to do it. I completely get that. But how do I know if what I have going on requires a bariatric surgeon to look at it? I feel dumb for calling my doc because what if it is something stupid like gas pain? (again, this pain is different and I can make it worse by pushing on the area.)

I'm just afraid he's going to think I'm extra paranoid about these pains, but I don't know what I don't know and it's frustrating me. I don't want to be one of "those patients" that calls for every little thing, but I also want to make sure I see someone who knows what's going on post-surgery. Also, I haven't called for anything since my first week post-op.

I guess working in the medical field has me over-thinking this whole thing about how doctor's think about their patients. I KNOW how doctors and nurses are, though; even though they SHOULDN'T think about their patients as nuisances, but they do.