By this time next week, I'll probably be up walking for the first time post-surgery.  My surgery is the 5th and I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 AM.  not terrible...I'll just get to sleep most of the rest of the day, save walking time and FOOTBALL! *cue clip from Major League where the coach is in the hospital listening to the game on his personal radio and his team makes a great play, so he's jumping up and down on the bed and the nurse walks in and he screams I LOVE THIS BRITISH SH*T* 

aye, good times. 

now a few concerns.  I'm going to be very sad if my Dad doesn't come visit while I'm in the hospital.  He HATES hospitals, but he ESPECIALLY hates it when his children are in it.  Now granted, mine is for a surgery we've planned for, and he MAY come visit, but I won't lie...I will be devastated if he doesn't at least come say hello.  The hospital where I'm having my surgery has one wing of the 5th floor dedicated to bariatric patients...the other wing...BABIES!  I mean, C'mon...surely THAT will tempt him!  I understand the hate of hospitals because people go there to die or are extremely injured but....the baby floor?  Now that's a place of happiness! 

As I think I've said before, I'm definitely worried about work.  Two different worries.  1) things will fall apart while I'm gone but 2) they'll realize how little they need me and they'll get rid of me.  Everyone I've mentioned the second thought to says that's not possible, that I'm a crucial member of this team and that it will be a struggle while I'm gone. 

I have been on my pre-op diet for a week now, but I'm probably eating more than I should.  I'm not eating things they said I couldnt' have, I've only eaten things they said I COULD have, but I still feel like maybe I'm doing things wrong.

I was 245 last Thursday according to their scales.  According to mine that day I was at 243.8.  According to mine this morning I am 239.8.  Going the right direction, if nothing else. 

On one of the message boards, someone asked how we're each preparing for our upcoming surgery and I had a list of things, but other people did too.  When I was at my preop appointment, there was one person who'd only been to ONE other appointment prior to her pre-op and her surgery was yesterday!  I was floored!  So while I've been worried there was more preparation I could be doing, I have discovered that sure, there are more things I COULD learn, but I've done a VAST amount of research, learning, reading, talking to others who've had it, planning, prepping, and soul searching. I'm ready.  I'm nervous, don't get me wrong, but I'm ready. 

My doctor and his staff have done a great job preparing me for this procedure, but I've done a great job preparing MYSELF.  Sure, there are things I don't know, but I'm not going in blind.  I've got an idea of what's on the other side, and I know it's only good things I will find there.

I'd love to say that in one week I'm going to change my life, but the second I made this decision....fully made it....I changed my life.  I started moving in a direction that will bring me joy, health, love of MYSELF, and the ability to shed this shell that I've been hiding in for so long.

I'm an amazing person.  People have told me that my entire life....I've always doubted it.  but something inside me has changed and I'm starting to learn that others...they're right.  I'm AWESOME and TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Love to all! 
x
Sarah

Last night i went to get my hair highlighted and as I sat in front of that mirror for those long hours while the stylist foiled my hair, I couldn't help but see just how fat I really am.  Because I don't look at myself every day (i try to avoid mirrors at all costs) I was horrified to see myself in full view.  I couldn't get over my calves and ankles, nor could I get past the flab that gushed out of the sides of the chair, nor the gut that for so long has made a great arm rest.  I won't even talk about the disgusting double chin. 

If I had any doubts before about having this surgery, I have none now.  Tomorrow is my pre-op and although I am nervous and I've put on a couple of pounds since my weigh in, i'm focused today.  I have a plan.  Hopefully I can drop those two pounds (major salt increase in my food consumption the past few days and can feel how swollen I am)  before my weigh in tomorrow. 

I'm angry with myself b/c I gained nearly 6 lbs in as many days.  Again, i'm sure that much of it is water, and I'm also sure that I'll drop those 6 and more in my next two weeks on the preop diet, but gosh, i'ts frustrating.  I've done SO well to this point and now I do this?? 

But...again, it's only temporary and this time, instead of being mad about it and eating everything in sight, I have a plan.  i had a protein shake (chocolate banana!) this morning and have a yogurt for morning and afternoon snack, plus a protein shake for lunch and lots of water.  haven't decided on dinner yet.  I have lean cuisines, and I have...well, soup and stuff, but I don't want something with too much salt.  We'll just have to see what I decide.

Man, two weeks from today my life is going to change.  Although I've never been married and I don't have kids, this is the single biggest event I've experienced in my life.  This surgery is going to open the door to me being married and having kids.  What an amazing opportunity i'm giving myself.  For once, I really AM putting myself first. 

I'm ready.  So ready.

So, I was commenting on someone's forum post and I was telling the lady how impressed I was that she'd made it to a size 8.  My goal isn't size 8, my first size goal is a 12.  Why 12 you ask? Because I don't remember ever being a size 12.  The smallest size clothing I remember buying was a 13.  They don't make 13s for adults, only misses. 

And then I remembered when I bought the size 13 shorts.  I was with my grandmother at the Colony Shop (ironically enough, my current employer, an oral surgeon has purchased that building and is renovating it for a surgery center.) and I remember finding these shorts and asking her to buy them for me.  They were a light colored tie-dye pair of jean shorts. 

My grandmother passed away the month I turned 9. 

Part of me had been criticizing myself saying I should be able to do this on my own, i should have more self discipline, etc.  but here I am ... 22 years later, truly a LIFETIME, and I remember buying a size 13 pair of shorts.  and THAT is the smallest pair of shorts I ever remember purchasing.  I have no memory of single digit clothing, unless you count the 1-4 sizes at Lane Bryant. 

So...Suddenly I realize that I'm not failing, I'm making progress.  I'm making a decision that is going to buy me back my LIFE.  Or....revealing the life I never had, opportunties I never took, dreams I never allowed myself the chance to dream.

And as I sit here, I think maybe, just maybe, I still have those shorts.  I never wanted to get rid of them because they reminded me of my grandmother.  Next time i go visit my parents (all the way across town! haha) i'll see if I still have them. 

now, I do have a size 14 skirt that I remember wearing, but it was just a tad snug and that was at 200 lbs.  I have another one that I look forward to wearing that I bought two years ago that still have the tags on them. 

I don't wear skirts or dresses. A) I'm short so they always hit me poorly B) they make me look like a girl and when I look like a girl people pay attention to me and I want to hide in the shadows so people DON'T see me and C) I don't have the confidence to wear a dress....at least not often. 

I think I'll see if I have some other pictures to post of me over the years.  You'll see how crazy I am. :)  Hey...I like to have a good time, ok??  

Did i mention my pre-op is Thursday?  holy friggin cow.  Day after tomorrow.  WHOA.  I'm not sure if I'm excited, nervous, or both.

I sincerely hope not.  But I'm frightened that that's what I'm doing.  Today, i went to the grocery store because I had a "sweet tooth" and I ended up spending nearly $50 on JUNK!  okay, not junk, I did get milk, two newspapers and two 4-packs of Muscle Milk, so I spent HALF of my $50 on junk . Oh, what do I mean by junk, you ask?? they say honesty is the best policy so here goes...

Totinos frozen pizza - 1/4 left staring at me on the plate begging me to eat it
Reese's Pieces - NOT the individual size bag
Oreos - a whole friggin package... Cool Mint, no less!
a single butterfinger
a Big Grab of Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles
a Big Grab of Sour Cream and Onion lays
a bag of Ritz toasted chips
and lastly....as I hang my head in shame because my mouth was watering the instant I saw them....

candy corn Pumpkins. 

I KNOW!

here's what I'm guessing....psychologically, i'm struggling b/c my pre op is Thursday.  THURSDAY mind.  My weight has been averaging about 238.6 or so, but yesterday I got on the scale and was at 242.6.  BLOODY HELL!  This is not good.  I can't believe it.  and yet what did I do today?? I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF SHIT! (excuse me, but it's true) and it wasn't until after I left the store that I felt awful about what I was doing. 

Do you think it's just a psychological "I have to stop this sort of behavior after Wednesday, so I'll eat whatever I want between now and then."??? 

has anyone else been through this?  

I guess I'll hit the forums and see what I can find there. 

i'm appalled at myself, truth be told, but scolding myself won't do me any good.  it'll just make me feel worse. 

**note** I DID put the pizza slice in foil and in the fridge.  Now...I suppose i'd best go work on my spare bedroom and work off some of these calories. 

*sigh* terrible. 

Seriously.  Pre-op, Post-op...doesn't matter.  The fact that you're here making a positive change in your life brings tears to my eyes!  I flip through several of the "Before and After Photos" every time I'm on this site and I think to myself....MAN!  The STRENGTH it took for that person to do this.  And the support they must have. 

And then it dawns on me. 

In a few short weeks....I'll be one of those people.  I AM one of those people! 

Sure, I don't have an "after" photo yet, but I'm here. 

So, thank you, for inspiring me.  for helping me maintain the HOPE that i've long felt was lost.  Thank you.