Larissa P.

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I went to bed in my favorite pajammies and played my favorite classical piano music all night and slept in as long as I wanted and cuddled with my best friend - Bear, my yorkie-chihuahua mix and let the depression work it's way through.

I finally crawled out of bed at 1pm to face what I must with a bit more clarity. I've reset my plane tickets (they are in a voucher pending my new surgery date), turns out my shuttle was 100% refundable so that wasn't so bad (the plane tickets have a $150 fee for changing dates). I feel bad for Eureta, the wonderful assistant that was traveling with me, right now she was forced to take her tickets and go even though she won't be paid (I offered to pay her expenses and she refused, but I will find a way to force money on her).

I'm reaching for a date a month from now, and will not make it permanant until I get my hot money in my hot little hands.

Thanks for all the sympathy and support guys, I just was in denial right up until midnight last night when I had to face the ultimate truth and get on with it.

I haven't said anything about this because I was working so hard to overcome it, and I felt like I would jinx my efforts...

But after getting my passport, tickets, airport shuttle, putting down a $1k deposit on my surgery, going through my diet and vitamine changes, liquids only for 9 days straight, arranging the time off - the IRS has been HOLDING MY REFUND.

I was supposed to get it January 30th, but I was pulled for a random review that will delay my tax refund...indefinitly! They refuse to tell me when it will come. I got a letter the other day that says "call us if you don't get it in 3 weeks."

I have been talking to friends and family. 3 different people applied for a medical loan for me, all three were denied (because they are so strict!). Obviously, I can pay them back within weeks so there was no risk...and today, today...I was so hoping that I would finally see a "pending" deposit - so that at the last minute I could authorize a wire transfer in the morning before my surgry, but I've been checking my account every hour on the hour...

I've been having nightmares, literally. Taking drugs to sleep and get through work. It's killing me. I hate the IRS. I have used up all my options. I will lose so much money and have to raise that amount again. I'm just sick...

Man, I'm going to get fired. I'm so scatter brained (doesn't help that I am on day 7 of liquid-only diet, either). I keep making mistakes, asking people on the phone their names after they just gave them to me...I'm a mental mess!!!

On another note, lately I've been dreaming of buying a bicycle and taking to the trails - I've decided I'm going to take it up! I love trees, the outdoors, and bikes. Of course I haven't ridden one in over 10 years!

Meanwhile, I think I am going to be a wreck for the next couple of days.  Two week freak? Didn't have one. Two day freak for me I guess...

The funny thing is, I'm not scared at all, I'm just....not ... mentally there! It's like my mind has already left to get the anesthesia early...

I only work 5 miles from where I live, and it's country lanes most of the way - I think I am going to find a new way to get fit and save gas!

I can see my new life ahead - and I can't wait to live it. I've got this kind of manic energy building up...

I'm on day 5 of my liquid-only pre-op diet.

I'm proud to say that due to my extensive prepardness I haven't cheated and only feel hunger now and then, something that can usually be soothed with a small cup of sugar-free jello.

Everyday my diet is:

On rising in the morn:  One Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt Smoothie (4 carbs, 6 protien)
Breakfast a few hours later: Protien shake (increased from 1 and 1/2 scoops to 2 scoops to help the hungar and mixed with half water and half real cream to cut the carbs, help the fullness, and make it tast really good)
Lunch: Unjury Protien Chicken Soup (two scoops in a big cup mixed with a dash of cream, too, to give it a yummy cream of chicken flavor)
Dinner: Another protien shake.
Late Night Snack: Another Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt Smoothie

Free floating snack: Sugar Free Jello when I'm dying to help sooth hunger.

I'm getting 160 grams of protien and tons of fat from the cream every day, with my carbs under 20.

I'm doing remarkedly well but I have to stay FAR away from food and keep my mind off of it - I don't have much physical hunger I can't deal with but I want to CHEW, I want to MUNCH, I want to FEEL VARIED TEXTURES, and I sure as hell want something other than sweet drinks all the time. (The Unjury Soup was a lifesaver, giving me something salty to break of the day of sweet.)

Plus I'm getting heavy keytone breath, yuk.

So this leads me to my question - I see disagreements on whether or not sugar-free gum is good for the dieter because of sugar alchohols, I presume. I tried, but I couldn't find a sugar-free gum that doesn't list sugar alchohol. So, I've been chewing Orbit Wintermint to get some chewing in and freshen the breath/mouth.

My stomach has been acting torn up, not really gassy, but a bit bloated and real stomach cramps. My stools are... well, liquid in, liquid out, I figure! This could be simply due to my new food regimine, but wanted to rule out the gum.

Anyone have anything helpful to offer?

I've got my BA vitamins ordered an on their way.

I've ordered some protien mix samples from Vitalady.com.

I've ordered a Med Alert necklace to wear forever!

I've got some new jammies and slippers for the hospital.

I'm loading my laptop with e-books and music to keep me occupied. I'm bringing my camera for documenting everything!

I'm so ready I want to go today.