In about 6 weeks, I will celebrate my second surgiversary, and am figuring out that there is still so much I have yet to confront in my quest of a healthy relationship with food.  Carb addiction is becoming a very real issue for me, and using food as a comfort source when stressed is still an obstacle I would like to overcome.

After my surgery, I started craving cigarettes and alcohol.  At first, I thought it was just funny, because I have never bought a pack of cigarettes (although I have occasionally bummed a cig off of friends when out at a bar), and I can count (on one hand) how many times a year I drink alcoholic drinks. 

I am descended from an alcoholic grandfather (maternal side), and there are many familial links to both drug and alcohol addiction on my father's side (although I don't have many relationships with this part of my family).  I have been aware that I have a propensity to become addicted since I was about 19 years old.  Maybe that is why I have never been a big drinker.

And for a long time, I have not understood why I started craving cigarettes and alcohol, as a post op sleever.  But now I am starting to get it.  I have been having conversations with my brother, who is a police officer, about our father's side of the family.  We have noted our shared characteristics, and how different we are from other siblings.  We both went into government service careers (he being a cop, and me a social worker), we both inherited similar coping skills (despite being raised apart), and we have both seen the devastation of addiction behaviors within the communities we serve, and within our blood relatives on our father's side. 

I am realizing how much family history impacts me now.  It doesn't matter that one of my coping skills is to keep emotional components at arms length when dealing with crisis (I seem to wait until the crisis is over before I cry and process thru events).  In the end, whether I show emotions or not, the facts do affect me and my behavior.  The thing that seems to help more than anything, is to keep talking and processing thru the information with those I trust.  And also, realizing that I still have the power of choice.  I may feel that my decisions are weighted towards the addiction behavior, but doesn't knowing the information equalize that handicap?

Food is a burdensome addiction because we have to eat for fueling our bodies.  But we also eat for social enjoyment and celebrations, and for the flavor and texture of food.  Food, in general, is different from alcohol and tobacco because food it is used for health (whereas alcohol and tobacco are not healthful).  So maybe we have to say, sugar (not food), is not very healthful (in general).  Truly "moderation" doesn't really apply to sugar in our health.  We can live without it and our health is better for it.

I apologize if this blog seems disjointed in my effort to report my thoughts right now.  My thoughts feel disjointed and my understanding is still waiting for a big "aha" moment perhaps.  I don't understand it all, and I have recently been thru some family health drama...my mother has developed sudden heart problems (viral cardiomyopathy/congestive heart failure) that forces me to confront my own mortality.  My mom is "only" 66 years old, and we have shared a lot of the same health problems over the years.  The haunting question, "Is this me in 20 years?" keeps popping up, along with the idea that I may lose my mother (which is ironic because my stepdad is turning 80 this winter.)

All I can do is get these thoughts out of my head, and pray, and look for answers... I am not ready to change my recent habits yet, but I am headed to super low carb land possibly... Time will tell what happens next I guess...

Today I ate potato chips...a nutritionally devoid food...but I ate for (what I consider to be) a good reason... To get more salt so my low blood pressure would stabilize.  As a member of the Century Club, having lost 118 pounds (some days its closer to 110), I am now a member of the Super Low Blood Pressure Club... with my BP hanging around 90/60 most of the time.  (Surprise!  The Low BP can be caused by losing lots of weight quickly...especially affecting post op weight loss surgery folks like us...)

Some people can handle being this low on the BP plane, but I have symptoms that make me call "mayday" into the tower as I feel the crash into the mountain coming on... Namely, I see stars and flashes of light (which blinds me for a few seconds when I stand up to a few minutes), yawn excessively, feel the pressure in my ears drop (especially my left ear), feel the "shakes", dizziness, and generally, just feel icky, until I can get it back up to a comfortable range.

Yes, I have been to the doctors, and have my low BP documented, and had referrals to the cardiac docs (which I have procrastinated in following up with them).  And since I am known to research the heck out of anything on my mind, here is what I have learned so far...

Low BP, if there are no symptoms, is considered "okay".  Low BP with symptoms (like me) should be investigated...and I have... and figured out that I just need to raise my BP a little bit when I am feeling "symptoms" - and that is where potato chips come into play... because salt is known to raise your BP... and there is a lot of salt on potato chips...  (I am NOT saying that people with low BP should eat potato chips... this is just one way I have found that raises my BP.)

It may not be a perfect solution, but for now I can live with it.  And this irony got me to thinking about some other things that I thought I would never say or do in the process of weight loss and maintenance...

Like... How do I stop weight loss?  That was a rather funny thought because when I was 278, that was NOT a problem.  But once I had weight loss surgery, it became a real concern when I got about 20 pounds away from my goal weight.  (I have had a lot of nausea in my post bariatric surgery life so eating was a real problem for awhile...)  Since my calories have increased a lot now, I have to watch the scale so I don't gain weight...keeping within my "5 pound" rule - that it's a lot easier to lose 5 pounds than 20 or 50...

and like... I need to eat more... How funny that after WLS, we have to worry about that!  I remember trying to get my calories up to 500 - 800 and how hard that was, especially when I had no hunger and forced myself into drinking protein shakes and eating tablespoons of yogurt, soup, or pureed protein goops (made with meat, cheese, beans, etc).  Then when I started trying to get 1000 - 1200 calories, I thought I would never be able to take in enough unless I ate and drank constantly.    (NOTE:  Now that I eat 1400 -1700 calories a day, I am back to watching what and how I eat, as I can EASILY go over my calorie allotment if I choose to eat junk.  And I deal with hunger now, although it comes in a different format, namely my sleeved tummy hurts and I feel the stomach acid churning around.)

and... I will never be able to eat all this ... I don't use the 8" or 9" dinner plates now when eating, I like the smaller salad plates, and I frequently use the 8 oz plastic toddler bowls with lids when I take food to work or when I am trying to save leftovers from eating out.  I split meals with hubby a lot, but I never thought I would get sick of eating (especially leftover carry out meals where that I have to divvy out leftovers into several meals).  I frequently eat a couple of bites of something and then ask family members to finish it because I don't want to deal with eating it later.  (I find this hilarious from my previous life of eating large portions and eating whole meals from restaurants.

The ironies of being a LOSER on the Weight Loss Bench are many...There are lots of "AHA" moments in this post op life, many of them related to our NSVs (Non Scale Victories for the newbies).  I encourage you all to share your "I thought I would never" moments...

Just a quick post to let you know my latest "must have" in getting enough protein. 

Big Train Low Carb Iced Mocha Mix (1 scoop or individual pkg)
1 scoop Chocolate (or Vanilla) Protein Powder - I use Jay Robb Chocolate
2 cups 2% milk (I don't like the thin taste of skim or 1% in this)

Mix well with blender then pour into 2 or 3 freezer worthy containers with lids.

Once frozen, it beats ice cream...hands down! 

First I experimented making muffins, then I tried to do cookies... Lo and behold, the cookie bar seems to be the way to go.  I have gotten some really great results with the current recipes, and am happy to share what has worked for me so far.  Each bar has at least 10 - 15 grams of protein, is moderately low carb, and around 200 calories (I cut my bars into 16ths so these numbers correspond with that).  The texture of these cookie bars will be hardier than a delicate cookie, but the taste is fabulous and 1 (or sometimes a half) bar will fill up those itty bitty tummies!  There is room for you to tailor the recipes towards your own needs, but the taste may be different.

Basic Recipe (a template of sorts)

1 1/4 c low carb vanilla whey protein powder
1 c coconut flour (can substitute almond flour - will have a nutty taste)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

2 sticks butter, slightly melted
2 c splenda (can use less or different sweetener if desired)
1 TBS vanilla extract (substitute French vanilla for variation)
1 ½ tsp almond extract (substitute lemon extract for lemon cookies)
4 eggs

1 1/2 c butterscotch chips (or blueberries, or whatever you like, etc)(optional)

PreHeat oven to 350 degrees.  Mix dry ingredients together (protein powder, coconut/almond flour, baking soda, and salt) then set aside.  Mix butter and sweetener together with mixer, then add extract(s), and eggs (1 at a time) in a separate larger bowl.  Add dry ingredients to batter, then add chips or berries (optional).  Pour into a greased 9 X 13 pan (I use my glass Pyrex one).  Bake 15 - 20 minutes on bottom rack, then 10 - 15 minutes on top rack of oven.  Check doneness with a toothpick, but don't wait to take out when dry (they will be too dry).  Let cool and cut into bars.  You can freeze some for later too.

My favorite recipe so far is the Chocolate Chip Cookie Bar

1 ¼ c Vanilla Protein Powder
1 c coconut flour
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt  

2 sticks butter, slightly melted
¾ c splenda
¾ c brown sugar splenda
2 TBS vanilla
4 eggs  

1 ½ c chocolate chips (you can try a chocolate bar with high content of chocolate like Lindt bars, for lower carb - just grind the bar after it has been in the fridge for an hour).

Use directions listed above...

Here are the ones for Peanut Butter Cookie, and Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars

Peanut Butter  
1 ¼ c Vanilla Protein Powder
1 c Almond Flour
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt  

1 stick butter, slightly melted
1 c peanut butter
¾  c splenda
¾  c brown sugar splenda
1 TBS vanilla
3 eggs

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie  
1 ¼ c chocolate protein powder
1 c almond flour (can substitute some or all flour with PB2 chocolate flavor)
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt  

2 sticks butter, slightly melted
1 c peanut butter
1 c splenda
1 c brown sugar splenda 
1 tsp vanilla
3 eggs

1 1/4 c chocolate chips (again, you can use an 85% chocolate bar, like Lindt, for a lower carb "chip")

Hope everyone has a great July 4th Independence Day!