I have the dress, the push up bra (and other shapewear...including support hose for my slightly sharpei puppy thighs) and am doing a week long beauty regimen to get my skin and body ready for the Christmas party at hubby's work on this Saturday night.  No one has seen me in a year, and I am ready to shock and awe with my new figure in my little black dress (although the dress is a little big on me now.)

Last year, I was recuperating from surgery and pretty miserable over the holidays, frustrated that I couldn't eat any of the goodies, living on soups and protein drinks.  This year, 112 pounds lighter, I can eat a little bit of everything but I still supplement with a protein drink once or twice a day since meat has proven hard for my sleeve to digest. 

My biggest challenge proves to be chronic IBS (intestinal issues).  Two plus weeks ago, I couldn't stop spending all my time in the bathroom, but once I stopped, I haven't been back in there without a little help from enemas.  Yesterday, I used Miralax, Milk of Magnesia, Ex Lax, and Dulcolax over the course of the day to help me get rid of this terrible bloatedness I have.  As of this writing, I am still waiting for movement, and will probably have to use another enema to get unplugged.  I have tried everything, including eating raw veggies (which still are hard on my sleeve to eat), to become regular.

Anyway, I can eat 1200-1400 calories now and that has really helped with the dizziness and low blood pressure issues.  I have come to the conclusion that malnutrition (lack of calories in my case) caught up with me. It makes sense that you can only live on 500 - 600 calories for so long before your body let's you know this is NOT okay.  My body has always been sensitive to changes, and it let me know quite acutely that I had to increase my nutrition to survive. 

So these last 6 pounds may not come off as quickly as I would like but I feel better than I did before...Here are some pictures of my journey in the last year.

If you have read my blogs for the last year, you have probably noted that my new "normal" included words like "fatigue", "nausea", and "dizziness".  In processing my new health issues, I have seen plenty of doctors.  At first, I reported symptoms to my doctors, who - in turn - sent me to more doctors, until finally, I had enough of the doctors. 

I had 10 vials of blood taken almost 2 weeks ago, and have not had the courage or gumption to get myself back into the chronic fatigue doc's office to get the results.  In the meantime, a strange new symptom has me frustrated (mostly because I will have to make dietary changes to correct it.)

Last Sunday, an hour after going to bed, I woke up feeling like I couldn't catch my breath, shaking, and generally had that "something is not right here" feeling as my skin was sweaty, cold and clammy.  On top of that, I couldn't think right either...  I drank some juice and ate a little cereal thinking it was blood sugar related, and within 15 - 30 minutes, I felt fine. 

Since then, I have had the "shakes" on and off, and the "not right" feeling several times, leading me to believe I have developed reactive hypoglycemia.  I don't want to visit the doctor AGAIN if I can correct this by going back to a lower carb diet again.

I have been living a very "carb happy" diet since all my tummy troubles of the last few months have made it hard to eat meat.  Because of health issues, my PCP took me off low carb and low calorie so that I have been striving to eat 1200- 1400 calories per day (not an easy task...I feel like I have to constantly stuff my face to meet this goal.)  I eat lasagna and casseroles, Honeynut cheerios with 1% milk, and peanut butter toast, among other things.

How do you get 1200 - 1400 calories on a low carb, low meat diet?  I could do 3 protein shakes a day, but this would only give me 300 calories.  If others are dealing with this issue, I would like to hear from you (and how you get your nutritional needs met.)

Anyone who has a history of abuse in their childhood (or has been the victim of a violent crime) does not willingly bring up their issues except when they realize that a layer of healing needs to take place for themselves or someone else...  I guess it's time to deal with a new layer for me...

While I won't go into details, my childhood was spent being afraid of my stepfather, my uncle, and even strangers in the local park, because I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I still have lots of gaps in my memory bank from ages 5 to 11, but thanks to several good therapists and the uncondtional love of my hubby, I have not been afraid of men in years and feel like those wounds were healed.  I use my experiences to help children and other adults in their own quests to heal. 

Truly, I am very blessed to have such a full life where those early experiences have only served to make me more compassionate to others going thru their own trials by fire.   (Even if I my adult issues with ongoing depression have a basis from those childhood traumas.)

So, here is my current dilemna...

I started gaining weight almost as soon as I got married at 21, and I quickly got pregnant with our first child, so that by the time I was 22 years old, I was a wife, mother, and a member of the "obesity" club (weighing in at 233 during delivery...and never making it back to "normal" after that until after weight loss surgery). 

So all thru my 20's, 30's, and into my 40's, I have experienced life from the outside (so to speak) as a wife, mother, and friend, but NOT as an attractive woman who other people (men) look at as a sexual being (other than my hubby).  And after all my learning experiences that led me to finally becoming the woman I was meant to be now (a woman who has a normal BMI and who is enjoying shopping for new "sexy" clothes that hug my transformed body -- as opposed to the tentwear I used to wear), I realized I am attractive and sometimes get "looks" from the opposite sex.  And I am fine with that.

And at first, I thought, "I have finally grown into my own skin" and that I have overcome old fears of men stemming from those years of abuse.  I have been feeling good about my growth, my body, and my future as a "skinny minnie".  I feel "I have arrived..."

THEN, IT HIT ME!  I am 44 years old, and am past the ideal age of "perfect womanhood" - meaning, I am a COUGAR, not a young flirty girl at the peak of her attractiveness.    I am not down on this fact but since I am "past my prime" as they say, with my sagging boobs, my sharpei puppy thighs, and my batwings, having raised 2 daughters (and a contributing "parent" to many of their friends) and married to my wonderful man for 23 years, I have to ask this question...  DID I PURPOSELY WAIT UNTIL I WAS PAST MY PRIME TO BECOME THIN AGAIN SO I WOULDN'T BE A "PRIME TARGET" OF MALE ATTENTION?  Did I wait until it was SAFE to come out of my fat body armor?

If I did purposely wait, what does that say about my healing process?  Am I as healthy as I thought I was?  These questions have burst my bubble a little and I am contemplating a return to therapy for a few weeks to explore this new layer.  I don't want to play things "safe" anymore.  I don't want to become a big flirt or a HOE but I want to fully own my sexuality!  (Hope this doesn't gross anyone out...)

This year, I am EXCITED to attend my hubby's work Christmas party (it is a big deal at Intel Corporation).  I am exploring the idea of buying a dress that will ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD on me (hugging all the best parts of a womanly body...and giving me my own VA VA VOOM factor).  I am going to party...and dance...until the cows come home... then go to an after party up in one of the hotel suites!  (Note:  I am still working out how much alcohol will or won't be involved for my consumption.)

I may not have all the anwers to those intimidating questions, but I will SHOCK the HELL out of anyone who hasn't seen me in the last year...that's the benefit of being 110 lighter than a year ago - and having a "YOU GO GIRL" attitude to match!  I can live with that for now...

I was watching a TV show tonite where a guy took a big bite of a delicious looking burger.  I immediately thought, "that burger looks so good" (I am in the middle of catching up on calories and protein right now) and "I wish I could take a big bite like that" (mourning the loss of gluttony when I want something).  I have thought about big bites a lot over the last year, and mourned the loss of eating fast and much in a sitting. 

Gone are the days when I could eat a whole hamburger (along with fries and possibly snatch bites of my kids food too.)  I know my restriction could eventually be less but considering all the problems I have had (the nausea and tummy pain, etc), I don't think that will be a problem for a long while.  And as my one year surgiversary approaches, I feel like my current capacity is going to be "normal" for me.

But back to the delicious looking burger in the TV show...

Physically, I reach my limit within 3 - 5 bites.  Mentally, I think I am finally adjusting to "less is more" but the mourning to eat bigger portions is still there.  Wait a minute...light bulb going off here...

I had my AHA moment about BIG glorious plates of food... I actually DO get to eat that first, wonderful BIG bite of burger...or anything else I want to try now.  And it tastes as awesome as I remember (most of the time).  But after that bite...that 1 BIG bite...there may not be another.    

So I say...bring on those first bites and let them be glorious...savor it slowly and notice all those wonderful flavors that make it a taste of heaven... and be happy for that first BIG bite...  after all...it's all downhill from there, right?