weight gain

Apr 22, 2012

 ugh! ive been naughty. i guess its the whole last supper syndrome, but its beating me down. as of today i have decided no more giving in to these cravings! i ate 1/4 of a birthday cake one day, surprizingly i didnt eat till the whole cake was all gone though. ive been grabbing a spoon and the jar of peanut butter and going to town. i ate the last of it last night, and have told james no more in the house until i can get a grip on things.  ive been craving paralyzers, ive had a few here and there, talk about calories! im scared. i am now 285lbs. i was recently 279 i think in feb. ahhh! as i type this, its starting. just the mention of peanut butter, and my head just zeros in on it. then i struggle with my head to get it out of my mind. why peanut butter all of a sudden? since mar 22, its been all about the pb. and i really dont have the strength to just induldge a little. im seriously lacking that level of control. i wonder if i will ever have control like that. i will start reading my kobo book called crave again. also my craving change workbook. ive got to get my head straight here. its 6 weeks to surgery. 1 month today till i start my pre op liquid diet. i want to be 280 by liquid diet time, then hmm, , would 270 by surgery be too much to ask? ok, there, now ive put it out there, goddess help me! my bff told me you have to ask the universe for what you need, you got to put it out there in order for it to come to you. sounds good to me! i think after surgery i will delve into my spiritual side ive been to out of touch for to long. if only i could find a coven to work with. i feel so lost being a solitary practitioner, that i havent even so much as lit a candle in years. ok, thaty was a little off topic... lol
point is, ive been weak, very weak. but i kicked myself in the butt after stepping on the scale this a.m so i plan on being back on track as of now!
niki

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