- Name: dorthe H.
- Username: sera
- Location: farmington, MN, USA
- Member Since: 12/4/2004
- BMI: 66.7
- Post Op
- Surgeon: Sayeed Ikramuddin, M.D.
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Goals
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Surgeon TestimonialSayeed Ikramuddin, M.D.I have been extremely impressed by both the doctor and his staff. They've been highly professional, empathetic, understanding, and helpful. His aftercare program is, by his own admission, very thorough - which is a very good thing. Thus far, the only issue I've had with him is the extremely long time it takes to get on his schedule. I understand the need for all the tests, but once the tests are all completed and you can schedule, it still takes about 3 months waiting time. That may very well be intentional-so that he knows it's been thought out. I, however, have been needing to do this surgery, researching, etc... for several years and think the wait is very long. He's done several thousand of these surgeries and I have complete confidence in his abilities and if the meetings I've had with him are any indication, his bedside manner with be very good as well. Latest Surgery Support Comments
 Comment by Nancy on 2/16/05 2:50 pm
 Comment by PF on 2/7/05 3:37 pm
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Dorthe - Best of
luck on your
surgery, I hope all
goes well.
Click here for the surgery support page
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THIS IS A RETRO INTRO - SO THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE BLENDS IN WITH THE WONDER OF THIS MIRACULOUS JOURNEY. I STARTED OUT ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO (2/5) AND ALMOST 200 LBS AGO. 454 WAS MY HIGHEST KNOWN WEIGHT. WOULD I DO IT AGAIN? IN A HEARTBEAT!!!
EVEN THOUGH I'VE ENCOUNTERED MANY, MANY CHALLENGES DURING MY JOURNEY - SOME AS A RESULT OF THE EXCESS WEIGHT, SOME NOT SO MUCH - I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL TO BE HERE TO DEAL WITH THEM.
SUFFERING IS NOT ALWAYS AVOIDABLE -
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
IF YOU'RE READING THIS AND NEW TO THE BOARDS - WELCOME. COME BACK OFTEN. IT'S THE BEST PLACE FOR INFO AND ENCOURAGEMENT. TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HERE TO SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE - GOD BLESS.
where to begin? on November 9, 2008 5:48 am
Just read my most recent post. It's hard to know where to start bringing this blog up to date. Since last December so much has happened - and yet, so little.
I think the thing that brought me back here is a sense that I am FINALLY at my new normal. And that I need to renew my commitment to becoming a better me. For a very long time I haven't cared one way or another. Just breathing in and out seemed to be enough.
Because of my medications, physical limitations, and enormous amount of self pity, I've regained about 20 lbs of my surgery weight loss. I need to and want to address that issue first off. So I've begun again, doing as much walking and stairs as my gimpy ankle will allow. It ain't easy - because any type of usage of my foot creates pain and stiffness for at least the next day. And the fibro makes my muscles cry out if I use them too much. But none of that can matter as much as my need to get back my self-esteem. I seem to have misplaced it.
So exercise and food monitoring are back on my agenda - for starters.
In my post I alluded to the fact that I'm not where I dreamed I'd be almost four years ago. My hope was a weight of 190. I'm at 280 or so. My hope was that I'd be running - I always wanted to do a marathon and still do - but with my new ankle, that's not gonna happen. My hope was that I'd be able to DANCE. Not gonna happen. My hope was that I'd be OK to look at. What I have is boobs that reach my waist. Batwings that would make Batman jealous. A tummy that hangs down to my upper thighs. An upper panni that hangs over my waistline. And upper thighs that hang down,almost to my knees. So I don't like the way I look - at all. I've tried twice, and been denied twice. Then I appealed the decisions twice. So I don't see plastic surgery in my future. And quite frankly, after the last three years, I'm not even sure I want to have any more surgery. What I need to do is figure out a way to at least like the way I am, because when/if I continue to lose weight on this journey, I will undoubtedly see more sagging, bagging, hanging, and yuck.
I'm back at work - thank God. Went back in February. I still like the job, but it's a longer commute than I ever wanted. I had to take this offer in order to stay with my company. By Feb I'll be able to try to transfer to closer to home, and that's one of the thoughts that keeps me where I'm at. It's my secret hope that I'll be able to move to an office which is closer to where I live and still remain with my current employer. That would be optimal.
My food diary would be a disgrace if I kept one. I continually push the limits on sugar and carbs while ignoring the protein which I know I need. I recognize this as a failing on my part and will be accountable in a more significant way in the days and weeks and months to come. I am not naive enough to think I will be perfect. But at least I'm gonna start trying again. And to me, that's what counts.
My interpersonal relationships suck. My husband is a friend, at times a good friend, but certainly not a lover. I've tried talking this over with him so often now that I no longer even try. My fault, as well as his. I suppose after 30 plus years of marriage it's not unusual and I should be glad we're still friends. But at the ripe old age of 50, I'm just not yet ready to kiss my love life goodbye. So it's a factor that contributes to my frustration and depression. Something to work on
Our daughters continue to be my pride and joy. At times so smart it's amazing. Still both battling with weight problems of their own - again, my fault as well as hubby's. But of course, ultimately, their issue to deal with.
A mother who continues to be, at best, an acquaintance. God help me, my best efforts are never good enough and the simple fact is that I already know it. God willing, I will not be like my mother in 25 years. Another personal project to work on.
A father in law who continues to become more and more obstreperous. Honestly don't know what to do about an 84 year old man who is alone and too proud to acknowledge any kind of need on his part. Trying to help is met with hostility. I sidestep the issue by telling myself that he's not my parent and thus, not my problem. But that's not sitting too well on my conscience. Another source of guilt.
Enough for now. I'll be back - sooner than a year from now. I know I need to work out some of these issues, and more, and I intend to throw everything I've got at the problems in my life. They're not insurmountable. They're just problems. I'll keep trying. And I'LL BE BACK!
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HAS IT REALLY BEEN SINCE MARCH? on December 3, 2007 7:12 am
where to begin?
since march i've been busy visiting doctors, therapists, pain centers, and more doctors. i thought i was having a tough time in march, but by the end of may i could take it no longer. in mid may i fell on the stairs - i lost my balance and had both hands full, so with nothing to catch myself with, i landed hard. later found out i had torn my rotator cuff (right side) for the third time. also had re-broken my right foot.
it took me two weeks of pain in late may, then my dr took me off work for six months. my depression, fibromyalgia, torn shoulder cuff, broken foot, and left ear balance problems took their toll.
the depression i will blame on my pain, among other things. the fibromyalgia is now under control if i take the lyrica as prescribed and don't do too much at one time. one of the things i learned from the pain center is about pacing. if i can only do five or ten minutes of anything at a time -- then that's what i can do. at least i can do that. and i'll keep on trying.
during june i started vestibular therapy in the hopes of getting back my balance. i'm not totally there yet, but it's better than it was.
in july, i had the rotator cuff surgery. since it was my third cuff repair, the therapy was slow to start and i will always have restrictions on lifting over my head - actually any kind of lifting. but we actually worked on getting some upper body strength because the next thing to do was fix my foot.
so the day before thanksgiving i ended up having surgery on my foot for the third time. the heel was slowly crumbling due to lack of vascular blood supply. i had broken my foot about three years ago.
by early november, i could literally hear the bones cracking and breaking if i tried to do any amount of walking.
that brings me to today. i'm almost two weeks out from my most recent foot surgery. i'll be non-weight bearing for the next six weeks, at least. when they take the cast off i won't have full motion but at least i'll have a foot.
i've spent the last ten days or so sitting in my trusty recliner , trying to see the good in this. today is the day i will begin to get up and move as best i can. pacing myself, as i now know i need to do, but trying to do what i can. because not trying is not an option.
wish me luck 
TTFN on March 25, 2007 8:14 am
Where to begin? I guess with the fact that this is the end, at least for now! I won't keep coming here just because I've been down, or I'm in pain, or looking for pity, or feeling pitiful. It kind of feeds into itself then and I've done that way to often. Time to stand up for and to myself.
I saw the dr. last week and she seems to feel I've got fibromyalgia. The constant pain, the fatigue, the depression, all seem to indicate it so she put me on some medications to treat it. And my ear dr. has me on meds for the meniers. So here I am two years later and two hundred lbs lighter, sinking back into the abyss. I cannot let that happen. I'm planning an all out attack on my moods. It's either a resolve to be happy or a resolute happiness. In either case - I'm going to try to focus on the positive. So I will write down, here, that I'm hurting in my foot, that I'm aching in my body, that I'm depressed in my mind. But I refuse to allow myself to have yet another pity party. 'You're about as happy as you make up your mind to be" and I intend to be happy. So TTFN. We'll see what my future brings. Perhaps I'll be back.
DORTHE
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still between surgeries on January 27, 2007 4:20 am
AND SO IT CONTINUES. I HAVEN'T POSTED SINCE DEC 7TH BECAUSE I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THE STRING OF SURGERIES I HAD IN NOV AND DEC AND THE RECOVERY FROM THEM. MY RETURN TO WORK HAPPENED ON JAN 3RD. EVERY DAY IS JUST THE TINIEST BIT LESS DIFFICULT. MY FATIGUE STILL KEEPS ME FROM DOING MUCH DURING THE WEEK, BUT THE MENIERS HASN'T HAPPENED AGAIN. THE DIZZINESS FROM THE EAR SURGERY IS GETTING BETTER, ALBEIT SLOWLY.
MY RIGHT FOOT WENT LAME AGAIN THIS PAST WEEK. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER SURGERY ON IT AND THE SHOES I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR FOR THEIR SUPPORT MAKE MY FEET HURT.
THE RECTOCELE REPAIR IS ALSO HEALING VERY SLOWLY. I'M STILL NOT HAPPY WITH THE SCAR TISSUE IN THE VAGINA, NOR WITH THE LINGERING STITCHES THERE. BUT IF I USE MY IMAGINATION I CAN DETECT SOME PROGRESS. THANK GOD.!!!
ON FEB 15TH I'LL NEED ANOTHER PROCEDURE DONE ON MY EAR. :-( IT SEEMS I HAVE A HOLE IN MY EARDRUM, LEFT OVER FROM THE SURGERY OR THE TUBE, I GUESS. HE TRIED TO PAPER PATCH IT IN DECEMBER BUT IT DIDN'T TAKE. THE ROAR I HEAR IN MY EARS, THE POSSIBILITY OF INFECTION, AND THE NEED TO PROTECT IT FROM WATER, ALL POINT TO ANOTHER SURGERY TO PATCH THE EARDRUM. THIS TIME IT WILL BE MUCH MORE MINOR. NO CUTTING OF A NERVE. HE'LL TAKE SKIN FROM BEHIND MY EAR AND PATCH THE HOLE IN THE DRUM. IT'S OUTPATIENT SURGERY BUT I NEED TO USE UP SEVEN DAYS OF VACATION AND SICK TIME TO GET IT DONE. DAMMIT!!!
GUESS I SHOULD BE GLAD I'VE GOT THE TIME AVAILABLE TO TAKE.
ON THE PLUS SIDE - WE GET OUR TAXES DONE FEB 14TH. SO I WON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT AFTER SURGERY. WE'LL BE CELEBRATING OUR 30TH ANNIVERSARY THIS MAY AND HAVING A PARTY IN MID MAY, AFTER CHRISTOPHER'S WEDDING. AND WE'VE BEGUN TO PLAN OUR FAMILY VACATION, TOO. THE WISCONSIN DELLS OVER THE 4TH OF JULY. :-) :-) :-)
TIM'S 50TH BIRTHDAY WILL BE THIS OCTOBER. MINE WILL BE NEXT MAY. THE GOAL IS STILL TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE IN DAYS AND HEAD TO VEGAS FOR THE BIG '50' THAT WOULD BE SOMETIME IN MID MARCH OF '08.
IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE LONG RANGE PLANS. SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD BEFORE THIS WLS WAS DONE. AGAIN, THANK GOD.
THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW. 'TIL NEXT TIME.
Archive
My Story  I'm married (27 yrs), have two daughters (18 & 14), and am looking forward to starting on my new life
I'VE LOST 100 LBS. am starting to feel as though i can take an interest in life once more, since i might be around long enough to enjoy it. went and had lasik - figured i was worth it and it's something i've been wanting to do for forever. also went back to being a bottle blonde. LOL it all points to a renewed interest in self. for a very long time i just plain haven't cared anymore. glad i do again.
HAD MY SIX MONTH FOLLOW UP. I'm so thankful to Dr. I and so proud of myself. I've lost (officially) 106 pounds and all of my test results came back well within range of what they should be. I was worrying myself about not getting enough protein, enough calcium, etc... but I guess I'm doing OK. He actually called me a SUCCESS. Such sweet, sweet music to my ears. I don't remember the last time ANYONE called me a success. :-) x 100. My goal for the second six months is to find out what's wrong with my leg and then begin the exercise regime for real. I already know the second six months won't be as easy to lose weight - I'll be ready for it cause I've been warned. My appetite, according to Dr. I. will come back. And exercise is essential. And don't drink ANY calories. That's what I took away from my six month follow up. That and a profound sense of relief and pride. Til next time.
8/19/05 I've had a couple ups and downs this week. For some reason I'm still having spurts of sorrow. Not sure if it's my dad or my brother, my daughter leaving for college, or just missing the damn dog. All I know is, yesterday at work I was feeling this enormous sadness. No tears, just a horrible emptiness inside. Felt like I should have been crying but no tears ever came. What's up with that???
Took CJ out to MOA for final shopping before college. I had promised her one new outfit when school started - as a graduation gift last May. We had a good time - but the talk has definitely changed. She came back from Sturgis more grown up. Sam came back from her cousin's house last night. She has a new 'tude as well, IMHO. Come to think of it - Tim's changed, too. He seems almost resigned. Says he's got a cold, but he's distant, too. Maybe I'd better rethink and evaluate if it's really me, not them. Something to think about.
Hard to believe September's flying by. Got the news this week about needing a hysterectomy. At first, I didn't take it well at all - watching my mother go through her's was not a pretty sight - but after i posted on this site and heard the positives, it doesn't seem so bad. So I'm trying to be as positive as I can and let the chips fall where they may. We've heard from Carroll a couple times this week, once crying her heart out with homesickness, but the rest of the times she was OK. She's right, growing up is not all that fun. That's probably why I still have my Peter Pan complex. :-)
Until next time.
SEPTEMBER 26, 2005 I think I'm probably alot more worried about this biopsy and surgery than i'm letting myself think i am. How's that for a schizo statement? I know it's all routine. I also know it was inevitable that with age would come menopause. But i'm unquestionably angry. At What? I have several theories but it all boils down to stuff I can't change and my basic tenet of life is, if you can't change it - don't sweat it. So I'm gonna list a few of my regrets here, hopefully that will help me get them out of my system. I'm regretting not having had more kids. Circumstances back then - 15 yrs ago - would not have been good for a third or fourth child. But I find myself wishing I had had more kids anyway. When I was thinking I was pregnant two short weeks ago, a small part of me was so happy at the thought of having another baby. Guess I'll have to channel that into being a grandma - when the time is right. Regret two: I so wish i hadn't listened to everyone else 13 yrs ago and i had gone ahead with this surgery back then. It would have changed so much about my life, my kids lives, our marriage, my jobs... Regret number three. Both girls have weight issues - learned from me - which they will have to contend with for the rest of their lives. So much guilt. And I cannot undo this one. Regret four. I'm distancing myself from some of the better friends in my life right now. I think i'm trying to tunnel my way out of this darkness alone, it's what i have always done. i'm so reluctant to burden people with my troubles and, in fact, my troubles are not as bad as some others have it. so i try to tell myself to just pick myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life. but in the meantime, until i'm in a happier place, i continue to withdraw and, in the process, alienate myself from the people i need the most. What I really wish for is that I could just accept trials such as this week's and know that they're a part of life. But the child in me is saying, WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHEN WILL IT END? HOW CAN I GET OUT OF IT? And I know, full well, that whatever happens, will happen. Guess I need to do some more praying. I know life is good. I know I'm happy for the life I have and thankful I have it. And I know this too will pass. Thank God for that silver lining!
10/16/05 I'm closing in on the 300 lb mark and it's looking really, really good. Carol came home for the weekend, got a chance to at least talk a little. She and Samantha went to the Women's Health Conference in MPLS and then to a play yesterday. Sounds like they had a great time and i'm so glad!!! Tim and I went for a motorcycle ride to Red Wing and Hastings looking for peak color. It was mostly beyond peak but Tim did find himself an old Hamm's light, which he considered to be quite a find. It was a good ride. Went last nite to Ann's b-day party for awhile, but came home kinda early to visit with cj. today we'll be getting groceries, doing the mundane weekend chores, etc... about three weeks left 'til surgery. i think i've got all my appts lined up so i'm just going to go on with work, etc.. and medicate as necessary until then. I took tomorrow off, need some me time, i guess. also wanted to use up vacation in case i don't get back from surgery in time to do so. it's a use it or lose it kind of vacation pay. had a sister's day right after joan's b-day. it was a good day, but i'm not ready to start planning the next one yet. need to get through surgery. seems incredible to me that it's already mid-october. guess i'll check back in after surgery. in the meantime, it's george's b-day, tim-s birthday, and a couple work projects. plus getting ready for winter and starting christmas shopping. life goes on.
11/04/05 Guess i didn't wait 'til after surgery anyway. I took today off to get stuff done in preparation for next Monday. It's not quite 11 a.m. and i've been extremely productive. also had a rather severe meniers attack - right out of the blue - usually i can tell it's coming on. this one snuck up on me. my goal for today is to get the house ready, inside and out, for my absence. it's not as though there's that much to do, but i'll do what i can. with any luck, i'll be back home in two days. :-) during my time off work i'll be working on scrapbooking and xmas gifts. and i'm thinking i'll be back at work by december 7th. my scale is really, really stuck. it's not my primary focus right now, just a minor concern. but i'm still hovering right above the 300 lb mark. who knows? maybe the stuff they take out of me will allow me to get below 300. that'd be sweet. and i told my surgeon if she has to do a bikini cut to operate, just go ahead and take some of the extra 'apron' off the front as well. all she did was smile. but i was serious.
the snow hasn't started yet, so i'm gonna go work outside doing winter prep, then, if i have the hutzpah, i'm gonna look around at burnsville center for a bit. i promised sam i'd pick her up at 2:30 and have a pre-op with dr loken at 4:30. so the afternoon's already filling up and i'm hoping we can have a bonfire this evening. supper's already cooking - i love my slow cooker. but i should go and tend to my list of to do's. monday's surgery. i'll write more after that - let you know about the 300 lb question. ttfn
COPIED FROM POSTING OF 11/30/05
i just did the hardest thing i've done in awhile
i know there's no answer or solution for this post and don't expect one. i'm just needing to vent. i'm sitting here near tears. why? because i thought that since i am at home for awhile i would get my pictures together in an attempt to scrapbook our history.
my heart is bleeding right now. i'm coming face to face with pictures which have been buried for years. i'm seeing me at 450 lbs. i'm looking at the person i've spent the last 15 years being and it's hurting badly.
another one of the reasons i'm writing this is because of the pre-ops out there. if you need an incentive to have surgery, take a close look at the picture you've become. i can see my dead eyes - my lack of hope. i can see myself watching my kids instead of playing with them. i see the clothes i was wearing through the years and remember wearing them and thinking i looked ok. OMG - i didn't.
this is not about weight. this is about regret. the first time i talked to a dr re: WLS was about 13 yrs ago. why didn't i do it back then? why did i let everyone, including myself, talk me out of the procedure? my last 13 yrs are gone. i'll never get them back. i can't change that & it's a bitter pill to swallow.
maybe i should have put this in my profile. it's a long post. but i'm kind of hoping someone who is pre op will read it and ask themselves the questions i didn't back then. for example: do i want to spend my next 10 -15 years of life, living half a life. if i live that long? how does my excess weight affect those i love? In 15 yrs will i regret not doing this?
my brother and my father died this year. i will never, ever be able to share my success with them, or with my beloved mother in law, who passed away 3 years ago. they would have been so proud.
writing this all out has helped me, but i know it can't change the past. i'm looking to the future - at least now i feel i have a future. and to anyone who is still reading this - i really am not seeking a response. i just had to get this out of my system. YA KNOW?
thanks for listening.
dorthe
12/22/05 Had a minor scare early this week. My suture line from the hysterectomy started spotting. I thought it was strange after six weeks. So I saw the obgyn and she tells my it's the bruises working their way to the surface. Not to worry. Coax them out with heat packs. If it gets pink and infected-come back. So I'm a very grateful happy camper. I'm most happy with myself this week that I've gotten in a workout each day even though I returned to work. That's a habit I'm working hard to develop and maintain so I'm proud of myself thus far and want to continue that feeling. Also dropped another five pounds :-) And I think I'm seeing some results from the walking. I'm stepping livelier anyway. Christmas is this Sunday. Tim will bring George (fil) tomorrow. CJ gets home tonight. My side of the family gathering is over for the year. Life is good. Til next time. :-)
MARCH 11, 2006
It's been a long time since i've updated here. longer than i thought, anyway. the scale is so stuck. i haven't been exercising much at all. i got to the 3.5 mph@20 mins and my foot gave up. so tomorrow i've got surgery scheduled for my right foot. they'll fix the plantar fascia, break and fuse the second toe joint, remove the bunion, and hopefully fix my ankle, which has been hurting most of the time since i broke it last year in january. the ultimate goal will be to be able to walk with less pain - probably will need to have my left foot done as well but i'm taking it one foot at a time. with any luck i'll be out of the cast by may - my birthday. the girls and i are signed up for motorcycle classes in early june. so if i can wait to get the left foot done until summer's over, that's what i'll do. the surgery has me spooked - guess i just don't want to be on crutches for six weeks again. gotta be done, though. so that's where i'm at right now. scale is stuck. guess i'm ok with that as long as it doesn't go up. i know once i can get moving again it'll start to drop again. PATIENCE
4/14/06 HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND!!! today is good friday. tim's at work but cj's home, sam is home, and i am still in this flippin cast. with any luck the girls and i will have a peaceful, fun day together and get a few things done besides. i wanna work on the scrapbooks. my goal is to have it done by the end of april. and there's a few chores to do as well, since we'll be at gramps' place tomorrow. i want the girls to at least try to drive a motorcycle while we're at his place. i'm starting to get anxious for them about class in june. but they're both happy and excited about it. so, we'll see what happens.
i'm still feeling aches and pains from that stupid fall i took at godfather's last week. am so damn tired of hurting all the time. it's really hard to remain positive when i've got so much negative to deal with. but i'm trying - really hard. this cast stuff is getting so old. i'm feeling useless, helpless, dependant, and whiny. and i honestly try to not bother sam and tim too much, but when cj came home yesterday she told me i was demanding. i hope she was kidding, but am not so sure anymore.
countdown to freedom from this cast is 10 days. at that point i'll be off crutches, for the most part, and in a walking cast. i hope i can be out of that by my birthday. sister's day, they're all coming down here and i'm so happy i'll be able to see them all again. it's funny how the older i get, the more i can accept all my sisters for who and what they are. i used to think i had some kind of impact on their lives. now i'm just very glad when i can see them. their lives really are their own, just as mine is my own. wow, wisdom?
i'm still unable to bring myself to talk to my mother. she's just told me too often to stay away, that i'm not good enough, that what i'm dealing with isn't that bad, that she's had it much worse. i don't know if keeping my distance is a sign of maturity or childishness, but i do know that since my lack of conversations with her, i mostly feel better about me. i cannot fathom how she justifies the person she is. i pray i never become that bitter and angry. nor do i ever, ever want to bring this type of conflict into my daughter's lives. and i really miss tim's mom. and my dad. and i think i'm gonna stop writing now, since i'm depressing myself.
so - i'll be back when the cast is off. until then. walk with God.
i just survived a really gruesome week and would appreciate any info you could offer, please.
last monday evening i was in urgent care and then emergency room. suffering severe pain originating in my right side, under my rib cage, and shooting up into my shoulder and down into my groin. they did an awful lot of tests and ended up telling me i am showing fluid on my heart, irritation in my bowels, lots of gas, and i'm full of sh!t. i've been suffering from constipation forever - no news there. but this pain was truly breathtaking. so they sent me home with instructions to take milk of mag, along with the miralax and colace and flax seed which i'm already taking.
being a wls person, i questioned whether this could be gall bladder. they said no.
on tuesday i saw my colorectal surgeon, having had some really embarassing tests about two weeks ago. he tells me my rectocele is large and there's a secondary hernia higher up. that he will need to do the surgery but before he does it i need to do some biofeedback so i can learn to 'evacuate' correctly. how humiliating!.
at this point, i am controlling the pain in my side with vicodin - which is constipating but controls the pain. a catch 22.
on wednesday, i went back to urgent care. the flare up in my side had me doubled over again, i was actually panicking, because i was alone at work and didn't want to pass out. again - they told me i was FOS. again, i questioned the gall bladder. again, i was told to take the laxatives. at this point i'm taking three forms of laxative, twice a day, along with a minimum of 100 oz of water, oatmeal with walnuts for breakfast, and whole wheat sf banana nut muffin for lunch.
thursday was relatively calm. the vicodin controls the pain but makes me very tired. on friday @ 5 p.m. i saw my gp. she is recommending i have an echocardigram for my heart - it's apparently not good to have pericardial effusion, whatever the heck that is. she's also ordering up a nuclear ultrasound to see if the gall bladder is diseased without having stones in it.
emotionally, my father passed away a year ago this past week, which makes me sad, of course, and on which i'm dwelling entirely too much - i guess.
spiritually, my faith waivered this past week. i had a major meltdown on wednesday. the 'why me, lord?' syndrome kicked in big time and i forgot, for a while, that i'm lucky to be alive and life is good, in spite of what we are challenged to endure.
financially, the time off work is hurting, because i know i'll need to take off in the near future for surgery and if i don't have the hours available, it could become an issue. plus, our finances suck. because of what i thought was a really wise choice on my part, we are so tight financially, we've had to borrow from the kids. talk about humbling.
so that was my week from he!!. my question is this - have you had gall bladder troubles? what were your symptoms? is there any way i can alleviate the pain beside the vicodin? i feel like i'm becoming a real bummer to be around. i know that this too shall pass, NO PUN INTENDED, but in the meantime i'm trying to figure out how to stay positive. it ain't easy, though.
oh yeah. i see a plastic surgeon on tuesday. wish me luck. i'm gonna try to see if she can tackle a panni at the same time as my rectocele repair. i feel like both are tied to the backaches i have every day and i honestly need to get some relief here.
if you're still reading, bless your heart. if you can help me out with gall bladder info, it would be greatly appreciated. thanks, everyone. i don't post often, but it's nice to know i can when i need to.
10/5/6 so tonite i'm just gonna free flow with my thoughts because i don't know what else to do. i'm feeling down. more down than i can remember feeling recently. and that's saying alot cause this has not been the easiest of weeks/months/years. i'm down tonite because of the meniers getting worse. i'm happy abou t the shot working on my foot - at least for now. we'll see how long the cortisone lasts in there. he said it might fix it or it may need more surgery. this is the same pain i had them check out before my foot surgery and they couldn't find anything. this past month, when they looked again, they found two suspicious spots in my ankle. i'm angry because i feel like if they would have found them when the mri was done it could have been fixed back then and i would have gone that much longer with that much less pain. but that's in the past. i'm just glad the cortisone shot helped. to be pain free on my ankle seems almost miraculous, given how long it's been hurting for.
i'm relieved i could get some valium for the meniers. not sure why it's gotten so bad lately. but i'm seeing the ent spec on tuesday. apparently the tube in my ear is no longer there.. that may be why it's gotten so bad. but i've had at least four spells in the last two days. it's making me worry about how much longer i'll be able to function as a person. the kids, job, husband, house...
right now, i barely get through work, then i sleep alot, 10-12 hrs a night. and i've had sneak attacks. i used to be able to tell when this was going to hit me. for the last couple times, i had no warning. it's making me nervous about driving and i'm afraid it's affecting my work, too. i had an attack at work - and flopped onto my boss's desk, dizzy. talk about feeling incompetent and vulnerable. i can't keep up like this for much longer and yet, i know i have to.
so my ent appt is tuesday. then next week on friday i see the colorectal surgeon to discuss a fix on my pelvic floor. the biofeedback sessions i went to - only made it through three of the four - seemed to make the pain worse. i understand what i'm doing wrong, physically, when i'm having a b.m. but the rectocele is very large and preventing me from moving my bowels without manual manipulation as well as the normal way of pooping. found out that besides a rectocele i probably have an enterocele and a possible cystocele. basically means i've herniated most of my pelvic floor and it will have to be rebuilt. perhaps it's better that i cannot have the panni done now. it appears the surgery itself is complex enough. we'll see after next friday's appt. i just know it needs to be done soon. either my pain level is down or my pain is up because i'm finding it hard to even sit or stand for very long now
i'm going to miss coffee tomorrow, too. darn it. will be having my sisters down for joan's birthday. i already know i'm dreading it. there's just so much i haven't told them because i'm gonna lose it. break down and cry my eyes out. and that's not what i consider to be a good time for joan's birthday. and right now, between the vicodin and the valium, i'm kinda numb and forgetful anyway. maybe i'll be able to tell them all jokingly?
this is just the surface, too. the big stuff that's keeping me awake at night. it doesn't even scratch the surface of the job, the weight issues, the exercise, or lack of, the carelessness about the food i've been eating. the apathy. the hopelessness. the being alone. i feel like i'm drowning in a whirlpool and cannot find my way back up. i think i've come so very close to giving up - for good. and i know i haven't come this far to do that.
guess i'm gonna stop now. tears are pouring down my cheeks and i can't read what i'm typing. guess i'll go have a talk with god. and get some more sleep. and hang in there until i can get some answers. for right now. good night.
10/6/6
my horoscope this morning gave me some much needed perspective. i'm adopting it as my motto for awhile.
SUFFERING MAY BE INEVITABLE, MISERY IS OPTIONAL.
short and sweet but very powerful in my frame of mind.
hoping for a good weekend. sister's day, nice weather, cj's home.
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on several occasions. it's a start. 
