Shanneee

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Happy five weeks to me!  I'm down thirty pounds and had a major non scale victory this morning when I tried on a pair of pants to see how long it might be until they fit and...they fit!  So very exciting!  I think I need to start gathering some of my "big girl" clothes that are getting too big and sell them on ebay!  I love non scale victories!!! 

Boy oh boy does time go by fast sometimes.  There are days like today when I look back and feel like I had my surgery yesterday!  Thankfully it was almost five weeks ago instead of yesterday :) 

We had kickball tonight, the start of the fall season.  It was the first time I'd seen a few people since before my surgery.  A few of them who knew I had the surgery asked how much I had lost and told me that they could really tell in my face.  It was nice to hear although I am totally self concious when people outside my "inner circle" ask me about it.  I don't know why I feel so awkward talking about it.  Hubby says people are going to find out eventually so I might as well be up front with them.  But I'm struggling a little with that.  My motto has kinda been, if they don't need to know I'm not going to tell them.  Hubby, on the other hand, might as well put a flashing neon sign on my ass that says "weight loss surgery patient".  Men!

Thankfully our anniversary turned out nice.  I had a major case of the post-surgery hormone's surging through my body so was a little emotional.  Hubby came home from work with flowers and a nice card.  I had a treasure hunt for him with clues that lead to his new hunting tree stand.  He was really surprised and didn't think we were exchanging gifts so didn't get me anything.  I'm not in it for the gifts but I can't help but feel a little disappointed.  I was also a little disappointed he didn't plan dinner and my crazy emotions kept making me think that he had forgotten or something until last minute.  I sucked it up and he took me to a new Carribean place only to discover it was closed!  We went to plan B and ended up stopping at a less than adequate vietnamese place.  I got Pho, which is surprisingly low in calories, and ate only a little bit.  The whole time I just couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my mind telling me that he had forgotten until last minute.  When we got home, I was still sulking a bit and decided to go off and sulk on a walk with the dogs.  By the time I got ready, he had put on his clothes and was coming with me.  We took a super long walk and even managed to run a little (although my too big pants started fallilng down :)  By the time we got back I felt a ton better. 

As soon as we got home, hubby was exhausted and went to bed.  I followed but he fell asleep in about 30 seconds.  I was soooo pissed!  I got up out of bed and came onto the couch.  I sat there for about 2 hours going back and forth between emotions.  One minute I was fuming mad that he had the gall to fall asleep early on our freakin' anniversary!  The next minute I was crying because I felt like he'd forgotten and not spent much time on planning anything.  Back and forth, back and forth.  At some point he came out, found me crying and was so confused as to what was going on.  I finally told him that I felt like he had forgotten our anniversary and dind't do anything to make it special.  I also told him that I was very hurt he fell asleep right away.  He felt super bad and tried to assure me about a dozen times that he hadn't forgotten but didn't know what I wanted to do and wasn't sure what time I'd get home from work and didn't know we would be exchanging gifts and so on.  He also said he was so sorry he fell asleep but he was just exhausted.  I felt a little better after this but still not one hundred percent.  

This morning I woke up feeling a lot better and hubby called to make sure I was doing better.  I still think he forgot a little bit (despite more assurances that he didn't).  I guess if he didn't forget then I should be even more upset that he didn't even plan anything special.  Right?  Anyways, despite all that I'm sort of mad at myself for letting my stupid overemotional hormones get in the way of enjoying my anniversary.  Even if everything wasn't perfectly preplanned like the crazy type A planner in my wants, it was a really nice night with the man that I love.  And I spent most of it silently sulking and being annoyed and hurt.  Geesh!  Shame on me! 

So yeah, that's that.  Food stresses have been about the same.  I'm struggling a bit with balancing eating with a chaotic schedule.  Tonight we were supposed to grill at kickball and it started raining so I had to go without food from my lunch at 3:00 to after kickball at 10.  I wasn't starving or anything but could definitely tell the body wanted food.  I need to get better at keeping snacks on hand and when I have the snacks actually eating them.  

Over and out!

Here it is...I finally hit one month.  I celebrated my one month "surgiversary" by camping with my brother, sister in law and parents (hubby stayed home for grad school orientation...grrr).  The weekend was fantastic.  I did things I have never done or haven't done in ages.  Shot my dad's 22 rifle and pistol.  Butchered 75 chickens (not as bad as you'd think).  Hiked a little at a state park.  Sat by the fire and just relaxed.  It was fabulous.  I really didn't want to come home. 

Eating/food was not as good as I'd hoped.  It is so hard to track what you are eating when you are in a place with no time.  A free flowing weekend doesn't really have time restrictions.  You just eat when you feel like it and go with the flow.  For me, that didn't work so well.  I had prepacked a whole bunch of healthier foods I could eat.  Chicken salad, egg salad, cheese, salmon, lunch meat, soy milk, protein powder, my vitamins, etc...  If I were to have been graded on how my actual meal planning and eating went, I'd give myself a D.  I didn't track anything- it was just too difficult (writing the word "difficult" I now seem a little silly...I could have at least guessed, right?).  I didn't eat at regular intervals.  I only took half my vitamins.  I dind't make one protein shake.  I grazed a lot.  Mostly on healthy stuff like my cheese.  But I still should have eaten meals, not grazing.  I ate some pot roast and it got lodged in my opening so tight that it was stuck there for about an hour.  Guess my body isn't ready for that.  Need to get myself some of those papaya enzymes people talk about. 

What I feel most guilty about is that after resisting every chip, cracker, donut, coffee drink, candy bar and smore out there, I ate a cookie today.  And then another.  And another.  And another.  I had 4 coconut shortbread cookies.  FOUR of them.  Seriously...what the fuck was I thinking?  This is the first really bad thing I have done since surgery and I'm feeling so guilty about it.  If I had stopped at one, I might not feel so bad.  But I ate the last four.  And who knows if I would have kept on going if there were more left.  This just highlights the fact that I have a major problem with food and surgery alone isn't going to cure it.  I'm so afraid that this slip up is an indication of how my future is going to be.  Will I keep slipping up?  Will I not lose as well as others?  Will I fail?  Fail, fail, fail.  I can't get it out of my head.  

At one month, I know that I should be reflecting on the positive changes that have taken place over the last month, but I just can't seem to do it.  I'm just not there tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.  Tonight I'm still thinking about how I can make myself more successful on these sort of out of town trips in the future...

Today marks the 29th day since my surgery.  I am definitely having another low energy day but managed to get quite a bit of work done from home.  This evening, I dragged myself and the foster pup out of the house and went and watched the hubby play softball.  It was nice to get out of the house and actually made me feel way better!  We even got a little exercise (not much) by walking around the field. 

Tomorrow, I am heading up north to my brother's land (the future site of his house) and camping for the weekend with my dad and mom.  The hubby has grad school orientation so although I will miss him, he's not coming.  I think I'm moreso disappointed because it's the weekend before our anniversary (Monday it will be two years for us) and he hasn't said a word about it. 

As for our anniversary, I just have this feeling that come Monday I am going to be majorly disappointed in him because he'll either 1- forget, 2- wait until the last minute and buy me some crappy chocolate bar I can't eat or 3-have to play kickball that night and totally blow it off.  I know I should give him more credit than that but I'm disappointed enough that he hasn't even mentioned it.  I, on the other hand, spent $130 for something I know he really wants and was planning to do something sweet like make dinner, leave him sweet notes or other romantic things I have been mulling over.  It has been kind of a rough go for us lately and I just want so hard for him to TRY at our relationship and haven't seen much true effort from him lately.  It's all half ass with a grumble.  Even when he tries to do something nice, it's covered by a smart ass comment or a derogatory remark.  But I know I should have more faith in him...I am just struggling with it.  ..ugh...I digress.  This isn't a relationship blog so I'll stop now. 

Back to camping.  So I think this weekend will be a lot easier than last weekend.  One because I will be with people who are very sympathetic to the cause.  My parents both had WLS surgery and understand what I am going through.  My brother and his wife are super cool about it, too.  And we won't be eating out.  I'm making up some egg salad and chicken salad tonight along with some beef jerky and greek yogurt and other snacks so I'll have plenty to snack on.  I'm even going to try to bring my magic bullet and some milk so I can have my protein shakes.  Hopefully it will be a camping success. 

Well, off to bed.  It's going to be a long day tomorrow and a lot of driving up north!

Wow- today is my four week surgiversary.  It's amazing how fast time flies.  I meant to weigh myself this morning but forgot.  It's probably for the best. 

Reflecting back on these last four weeks brings to light the wild ride I have been on.  After voluntarily agreeing to have a surgeon rearrange my stomach and bowels I have made a life change that still astonishes me.  After my initial major loss, I have started dropping about 4 pounds a week for a total of 27 pounds so far.  27 pounds doesn't seem like that much but I think the last 27 pounds I gained went straight to my face and neck.  Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a definite difference.  Heck, today I caught a quick glimpse in the bathroom mirror at work and had to do a double take.  I'm shrinking!  

I'm still nervous about the thought of failing.  I had an appointment with the therapist I was seeing pre-surgery yesterday and we had some good conversations about it.  She challenged me to start thinking in the moment and not focusing on what is ahead.  She also reminded me that just because someone says it on the message boards doesn't mean it's true for everyone.  Very good points but I have come to rely on this board so much for advice and guidance it's hard to let go of some of it.  But it's probably not a bad idea.  Yesterday I didn't even look at OH once, all day.  I didn't even do my usual nightly blog.  And you know what...I didn't really miss it that much.  Maybe it's time to start living life for myself and seeing what works for me instead of relying on OH?  I'm just not sure...

I'm still in exhaustion mode with a dislike for going to bed.  Sort of an oxymoron but true.  I took a sleeping pill last night and conked out for 11 hours.  It was great and I'm actually ready for bed at a decent time tonight.  I wish I had some more energy to exercise, though.  I haven't even taken one walk this week.  Which is pretty much my usual when it comes to exercise...try it for a week and then quit.  UGH.  I NEEED to change this!  

But that's it...four weeks.  Almost a full month.  I made it this far without any major problems so here's to another month of success!

26 days since my surgery.  Wow, it's amazing how fast time flies.  After the crazy weekend, I was bad and didn't go to bed until after one am last night.  Of course that meant I slept in until like 11 today and ended up working from home.  Working from home meant I spent most of the day researching nutritional requirements instead of actually working.  I just had no energy.  I still have no energy.  I'm not sure where it went.  Maybe I left it in Iowa this weekend? 

I was going to make a chicken dinner tonight but turns out I let the chicken defrost for too many days so had to toss it.   Instead I souped up a green bean casserole with some ground turkey on the bottom and cooked that up.  It was pretty good and I ate more than I thought I'd be able to.  

I have a whole bunch of stuff I should be doing such as unpacking, cleaning the bathroom, the dishes, take the pups on a walk, etc but I just can't seem to find the energy.  I'm feeling a little down in the dumps.  

Maybe I'll take a Tylenol PM and try to catch up on my sleep.  If I can wake up early, maybe I could take the dogs for a walk in the morning?  It's so easy to make these kind of plans but so hard to follow through on them.  As usual, I'm sure I'll stay up super late and end up sleeping half the day away. 

Whew...what a weekend!  Friday after work my husband and another couple packed up the car and headed 5 hours south to Iowa for the wedding of a friend.  My hubby is a bit of a crumugeon- he's just not a happy go lucky person in general- and was exceptionally so on the way down.  I'm not sure if he was pissed about driving or what but he was just a bear!  When we got into Iowa City, we decided to grab a bite to eat first.  Hubby wanted the BBQ place and everyone else was neutral.  I mentioned that the BBQ place wouldnt likely have anything I could eat so my friend said "let's just go to Perkins".  Upon hearing my hubby's groan, I jumped in and said, "No, it's fine, I'll find something to eat there."  After all, he had just driven the entire 5 hours (I won't mention the road rage on the way, but we made it safely). 

When we got to the restaurant, it was just as I suspected.  They had a lot of meat on the menu, gigantic portions and no soup or healthy food on the menu.  Upon seeing this, I suggested to the hubby that I just eat a few bites off his plate.  His immediate reaction was to get angry and huffy about it saying "I want my OWN meal."  At this point, I just wanted to cry.  My friend jumped in and said, "Shan, you can eat some of my meal!" which made hubby feel guilty and he said "well if you are going to eat off my plate you need to put the order in while I go to the bathroom."  I kind of wanted to cry.  Shouldn't he WANT to help me now?  Instead of put up barriers?  In the end, I ended up eating some pulled pork off his plate and some sausage off my friends.  A few bites and I was done.  It would have been so much easier if we could have avoided the whole situation, though. 

Hubby's behavior wasn't that supportive the rest of the weekend, either.  When talking about the state fair, he asked my friends if anyone wanted to go with him because he didn't want to be stuck with someone who couldn't try the food with him.  He was a crab the entire ride home.  And he kept trying to feed me bites of crap.  I admit I did take a nibble (microscopic piece) off his cake.  It was delicious and I didn't have any dumping.  But I just feel like crap about it all.  It was hard enough having to be the "eating outcast" all weekend.  Hell, we even went to a buffet that had one option:  the buffet.  Thankfully the waitress took pity on me and brought me chicken noodle soup. 

After arriving home, we went over to my sister in laws to pick up the dogs.  She had made us dinner so we were obliged to stay.  It was very nice of her, but she made stir fry with bell peppers, white rice and steak.  Three things I'm not allowed to eat.  Fish, chicken and turkey went down well so I figured I might as well try the steak.  The first few bites went down ok but the second few gave me that "stuck" feeling and I ended up experiencing my first case of the "foamies".  The dogs benefited from the rest of my steak. 

After getting home again, I finally got to open my new package from Vitalady!  Finally, a food related highlight instead of a lowlight!  My vitamins, Oh Yeah bars and sugar free syrup had arrived!  I'm so excited!  I got iron, D3 and, most importantly, calcium!  I am SO sick of trying to choke down 10 citrical petites every day (they make me want to vomit) so instead ordered the Bariatric Advantage lozenges.  Now, when I think lozenge, I think hard candy so I was surprised to see that they are actually chewables.  They are cinnamon flavored, though, so I think I can handle it.  When I first read the label I thought I had to take three at a time and I wanted to cry.  Upon closer observation, though, I need three a DAY!  Whew!  

So...although I had a great time hanging out with my friends this weekend, the food was a bit of an issue.  I MISSED it so much.  Watching everyone else eat cinnamon rolls, cake, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, candy bars, and just about everything I love was tough.  I miss food so much!  And as I learned this weekend, it's so easy to sneak a nibble here and there or something I'm not sure if I should be having.  No wonder people fail at this.  *sigh*  

Ugh..my husband is so insensitve!  We are in Iowa for a wedding and he picks a bbq place to go out to eat.  And when I ask if I can just have a little to eat off his plate, he says no.  WTF?  It's not easy to go through this and sometimes I just feel so alone in this...

Still no diagnosis on the aching legs but they seem to be getting a little better.  I was actually able to get some sleep last night, which was a relief.  Of course it didn't help when getting up in the morning.  It's just so hard to get out of bed!

Work seemed like it dragged on forever today.  My boss is going on vacation next week so I put in a few extra hours trying to get everything caught up for him.  I had a few big meetings and by the end of the day I was just exhausted.  When I got home I had a resume and cover letter to edit and shoot off.  Apparently it is just NOT my day, as when I opened the posting I realized that I was a day late in getting it in.  I emailed it anyways, hoping that feigning technical dificulties will help it slide by.  I'm doubting that, though, as it's for the state and they are pretty big sticklers.  I also sent it to two of the higher ups I know within the agency hoping they can still consider me.  We'll see.  If not, it sucks, as this is my dream job.  But I just haven't been in the right mindset with the surgery and all to think about these sorts of things.  I guess if it doesn't work out then it isn't meant to be.  Maybe instead of concentrating on this new job I just need to worry about healing and enjoying my weight loss journey.  Who knows...

After sending off the resume and cover letter I took Myloh and Dexter for a walk.  I wasn't planning on going very fast or far so wore my flip flops.  Big mistake.  I decided to take the path around this little lake we have by myself.  A quarter of the way around it I realized how dark it was getting and it started freaking me out.  Now, we live in a very low crime area and the only crime that actually happens is the occasional theft from a home or car, but being on the wooded trail at dust made my imagination go wild.  I ended up walking way faster than anticipated and started getting a blister at the bottom of my foot.  Idiot me :)  Obviously I didn't get mugged and didn't even run into another person but my imagination doesn't always listen to reason.  Overall, it was only a 30 minute walk but at that faster pace it was good for me and the pups.

Now, I'm thinking of heading off to bed.  I'm exhausted today and think there's a chance I might actually fall asleep early!  Tomorrow I'm working from home and then heading to Iowa for a wedding.  It's going to be a challenge to see how I function in the "real world" without the convenience of my fridge, but I imagine it will be ok.  I'm going to try to pack a little cooler of food so I at least have something to eat!  Depending on if I bring the laptop I may not be blogging the next few days.  We'll see!

Happy Three Week Anniversary to me!  Today is three weeks from my surgery date and life is pseudo-good.  I say pseudo good because I'm still having the aching thigh issue and my labs came back with no vitamin deficiencies.  I guess it's time to try a different track.  Pinched nerve maybe? 

The last three weeks have been a little crazy.  It's strange for me to talk with other people who are the same amount of time out of surgery as me because it seems like what I am eating is so much different than them.  I met one guy at the support group last night who is still on soft foods.  I ate a slice of bacon and some cheese for dinner tonight.  Big difference!  The doc told me I was ok doing this but people are so judgy!  

I have finally started having some dumping symptoms, too.  Nothing major but this morning I drank some chocolate milk that had sugar in it and I thought I was going to vomit.  Thankfully I didn't.  This evening I mixed my protein shake with some "Better N Peanut Butter" and had the same reaction.  I'm not positive, but think it must have been the sugar in both.  

As far as I know, I'm still only down 23-ish pounds.  It's crazy how quick I stopped losing after losing so fast at first.  Hopefully it will pick back up, though.  I have been getting more calories in these days and been pretty good with my liquids, too.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a few pound loss next week when I weigh in. 

I went to Trader Joe's tonight to pick up some "real" food.  A girl can only eat so much cottage cheese.  I got sooo much good stuff ($127 worth to be exact).  Scallops, turkey bacon, fish, crab meat, chicken, shrimp, jarlsberg cheese, brie cheese, blue cheese, soy milk, avacado, crab cakes, olives, and so much more!  I'm so excited to have good WLS food to help me get my protein in.  I also picked up some TJ's chewable vitamins (only 6.99 for 90!) and some B12s.  Thanks to all the OH-ers for their suggestions on what to buy!  Awesome!!! 

I got a short walk in with the pups tonight.  Only about 20 minutes, as it was a "flip flop walk" with a friend of mine.  But a walk is a walk is a walk, right?  Dexter the foster dog sure loved it!!

Now it's time to head to bed.  Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight and wake up with some energy for my big day of meetings tomorrow!