8 weeks post op today!  My weight is still SLOWLY falling off and I'm trying to come to terms with it.  I "sneak" weighed myself today to see what my 8 week loss is and I was down another 2 pounds for a total of 40 pounds.  That's an average of 5 pounds a week, although 25 of it was within the first two weeks.  But I'm still happy with it.  I'm wearing pants I haven't fit into in AGES and it feels great.  My jeans that used to be snug a few weeks ago now need a belt.  I'm noticing my body is changing in such subtle ways.  My bras no long leave angry red marks in my side.  My belly fat doesn't hang over my you know what like it used to.  I can lift my legs in the air and cling to my husband with them during sex (I can't tell you how much I've missed that!).  My hips don't constantly ache and the numbness caused by some undiagnosed pinched nerve in my back has pretty much disappeared.  I can get in and out of the car easier.  I FEEL 40 pounds lighter when I think about it.  When I'm in a "pity party mood" it's a whole different story, though :)

There are times I want to feel sorry for myself for not losing faster.  There are times I look in my closet and want to cry because my cute old clothes still don't fit yet.  There are times I just want to sleep all day, all night and repeat.  There are times I completely ignore my work for an entire shift because I just can't concentrate.  There are times I"m a complete bitch to my husband because my hormones are going a little crazy.  There are times I get frustrated with all the vitamins I have to take and want to throw them out the window.  There are times I forget to eat for 10 hours only to stand up and feel dizzy.  Most of the time I struggle to get in 64 ounces of water.  Some days I just want to eat some junk food.  

Old habits are hard to break.  Sometimes I forget I had surgery until I get to the checkout and realize the cookies in my cart aren't a possibility anymore.  Other times I look forward to being the one to pick up dinner because I can sneak an extra cheeseburger in...only to remember that I don't do that anymore.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder who the new girl is. Oh wait...it's me. 

8 weeks out, I'll take it all.  I'll take the good, the bad and the ugly.  I'm shrinking slowly but I'm still shrinking.  And I'm finally getting my health back! 

I hit 7 weeks post op today and am trudging along somewhat sucessfully.  I have had some bumps in the road and some some all out detours but am still heading in the downwards direction.  As life starts to regain some sense of normalcy I'm finding myself a little overwhelmed by eating in the real world.  My food choices around meals remain pretty boring and it's starting to drive me nuts.  But I'm just not always sure what to be eating.  I know the answer is "protein, protein, protein" but a girl can only eat so many cheese sticks, chicken salad and cottage cheese.  I've tried expanding my food selection into edamame, "chicken" boca burgers and nuts but I'm still getting bored with it all.  It seems completely pointless to cook as my husband likely won't like it and I'll have tons of leftovers I will never be able to eat.  So I'm just sort of "stuck". 

Another downfall of it all is that I am starting to nibble on foods that I KNOW are bad for me while trying to figure out what foods that are GOOD for me I should be making to eat.  Tonight I was looking for something quick for dinner and ended up dipping some tortilla chips into an avacado.  It was only 6 chips, but 6 chips is how it all starts.  I was at an event yesterday and ended up eating 2 slices of cantaloupe, 2 oreos and a M & M cookie.  I just couldn't resist.  I added all of this into myfitnesspal.com fitness tracker and it wasn't that many calories- I still managed to stay under my 1,000 but I know that it's not helping me.  And it's making it easier for me to "fall off the wagon" in the future.  I WANT to eat healthy and I WANT to succeed but I just crave the foods of my former self.

On a positive, I went to one of my "trigger stores" yesterday, the Dollar General and although I walked passed all my favorite cheap junk food, I resisted it all and bought only a bag of sugar free hard candies.  But the entire time I was in there I just kept staring at it all thinking of how much I missed it.  The Swiss Cake Rolls, the Maple Cookies, the Cheese Dip and chips.  Mmmmm...I miss it.  But I know I need to resist!  

So at 7 weeks, here I am.  36+ pounds down.  1,000 calories a day.  Fighting the urges to bathe myself in chocolate frosting and Little Debbie snacks.  I don't regret having the surgery at all but just wish the "fight" towards healthy was a little easier.  

What a day of successes!  I have been feeling a little discouraged lately about my bad eating this weekend but decided to turn it all around and have gotten right back on track.  With today being my 6 week surgiversary I couldn't help but take a peek at the scale this morning.  Normally I only weigh in on Wednesdays but I just couldn't resist.  And lo and behold it moved!  Several pounds!  I've been losing at a very slow, almost stalled, pace the last 2 weeks so was super excited to get into the 260's!  It's been almost 2 years since I was here!  

I also got a phone call this morning about a job interview for my dream job.  I am so pumped about it and just to check, I tried on my favorite suit that was skin tight and I couldn't wear anymore.  It fit like a dream!!  On top of that, we got two applications of people who want to adopt our foster dog.  

What a great six week surgiversary!

I went to the State Fair with my family this weekend and despite the low fat cheese sticks and massive amounts of water I packed, I was bad.  I was very bad.  I didn't "binge" on massive amounts of food, but I tried just about everything.  I ate a mini donut, a chocolate chip cookie, half a thing of cheese curds, an entire things of cream cheese fried pickles, part of a blooming onion...so bad.  I didn't improve much the rest of the weekend, either.  I ate an entire package of cinammon fried pecans.  I ate several bites from each of my three nephews and husbands ice cream cones when we took them to get ice cream today.  I neglected my water all weekend.  I forgot my vitamins most of the time.  I did horrible and can't help but feel ashamed of my behavior.  I just couldn't say no. 

Now, my body is loaded with the carbs I tried so hard to rid it from.  I weighed in this morning and only lost half a pound this week.  I'm almost 6 weeks out and have lost only 31 pounds.  WHY did I do this?  I have such a range of emotions right now.  There are so many thoughts going through my mind...

"Who cares...I didn't binge on them, I just ate a little of each.  Who says I can't try a little taste of everything?"
"What the hell did I do?  I just sabotaged my weight loss efforts.  I'm never going to succeed."
"Why the hell can I eat so many different foods already?  What is wrong with me?  I'm going to fail"
"I need to get back on track but I don't want to...the food I ate this weekend was sooo good!"
"I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail'
"Shame on me.  If I can't make it to the 6 week mark without eating this crap, how am I going to make it to the 6 month or 6 year mark?"


So many thoughts and I just don't know how to process it all.  I did feel a little queezy after eating the mini donut and cookie within 10 minutes of each other at the fair.  And today when I kept sampling the ice creams I started to get a little queasy again.  But no real dumping like other people have.  *sigh* 

I know what the answer is in a situation like this.  I know what I am supposed to do.  I know what I need to do.  I need to say goodbye to the carbs I hung out with this weekend.  I need to stomp the sugars out of my mind.  I need to forget about the "visions of mini donuts dancing through my head"  I need to start over and move away from failure and towards success.  The only question is,  will I do it?  

One day at a time, though.  Tomorrow I WILL wake up and drink my protein shake for breakfast, eat a healthy lunch and a healthy dinner.  I will NOT succumb to the carbs and sugar that tempt me.  I can do this tomorrow.  I know I can.  

There are quite a few studies out there linking poor sleep habits with increased weight gain.  I have the most atrocious sleep habits and, although I can't blame my weight on that, I can't help but wonder the role it has played.  In addition to insomnia and sleep apnea, I have a horrible habit of not going to bed until I am absolutely, beyond comprehension, exhausted.  Seriously, I wait until I am falling asleep in front of the TV or computer before I finally take out my contacts and head to bed.  Even then, I find myself needing to play a few games of solitaire on my iphone before I can fall asleep.  Usually this is about 2 am. 

Unfortunately, these horrible sleep habits don't work well for someone with a full time job.  Thankfully my job is pretty flexible, but it still makes things difficult.  The later I go to sleep, the later I sleep in.  In the mornings, I just don't want to get up.  Even after my 8 hours of sleep, I still want to stay in bed.  

Since my RNY, it has only gotten worse.  My average bedtime is now 2am but sometimes as late as 4am.  I never want to get out of bed in the morning.  I haven't had so many "low energy" days like many post-op RNY-ers but I definitely don't want to get out of bed.  Usually when I leave the house I feel a lot better...but getting to that point: showering, putting makeup on, getting dressed, etc is so exhausting.  I wonder if this has anything to do with the RNY?  

I know part of this is probably a bit of depression.  Lately I haven't felt satisfied with many areas of my life.  My marriage is so-so, my job is so-so...I guess those are the two biggest parts of my life.  I just don't feel like I have that much else going on.  

But I just don't think this sleep thing is all depression...so why the hell can't I make myself go to sleep at night???  I worry that this may, in part, be just another sabateur in my weight loss process.