Shanneee

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I just had a realization tonight that yesterday was my 3 month surgiversary and I completely forgot!  I've been a little pre-occupied lately with the whole job situation but am finally on the road to sanity thanks to some Xanax and Prozac.  Sane and medicated is better than crazy and not! 

So four months!  Crazy.  I've lost 60 pounds already and although it comes off "slowly" it seems (I know that 60 pounds in four months is not slow but it feels like it at the time) it's really adding up!  My size 24 pants are history, as are the 22s, and most of my 20s.  I'm starting to squeeze into some 18s and it feels great!  Clothes I bought thinking they would fit me for awhile (used of course :) are already getting too big!

On one hand, it's awesome.  I can move and breathe so much better!  On the other hand, I don't feel like much has happened because it hasn't been that long since I was at this weight.  About 5 years ago I went on an upwards climb and hit the big 250 and decided to do something about it.  Through Weight Watchers and exercise I took off about 45 pounds and was down to 205 before I started going up again.  Up, up and away, actually to my surgery weight of 303 pounds.  Now that some of the "air" has been let out of my body I've finally settled around the 240/250 mark for right now and it sort of feels like I'm finally back at "square one" the place where my original journey all began.  I think the next 40 to 50 pounds are going to be just as difficult as the last because it hasn't been that long since I've been there.  I wonder if anyone else is experiencing this. 

Although my doctor says I will be a "success" if I get 60% of the way towards my ideal BMI (205 pounds), I can't help but feel like that's the complete tipping point for me and that's where I REALLY start my journey.  Getting to the 205 is a cake walk (not really, but you know what I mean) and I even managed to do it without surgery once.  But getting below that...finding the elusive 199, 190, 180, 170 and GOD FORBID, 160 or below will be the real test.  I wonder what will happen when I get to that point of possibility?  

So obviously I've been pretty bummed lately about my employment situation and feeling like a negative Nancy.  I'm trying to snap out of it and a week after the fact I'm finally starting to look forward to the future. 

In an effort to cheer myself up, I met with an old friend yesterday for a drink (yes, I had a glass of wine).  As we were sitting there, these two cute old guys got up and left the bar.  They stood briefly outside the door, appeared to be talking about something important, and then one of them came back into the bar and headed right towards me.  He tapped me on the shoulder and gestured to his friend who was standing in the doorway.  "We just wanted to let you know that you look like that Barrymore girl.  You know, the one from the movies."  I blushed, thanked him and he said "Yeah, we just wanted you to know that.  You look just like her!"  So I thanked him again and him and his friend once again went on their ways.  It was so cute.

Back in my skinnier days, I got the Drew Barrymore thing all the time.  People would come up to me and say it and I'd just blush and laugh.  I have never seen it, but I've had enough strangers (including my husband before we met) say it that I guess there must be some truth to it.  If only I was that skinny and cute!  Sadly, it's been years since I've heard that, though.  The last fifty pounds I put on moved me out of "occasional human celebrity look alike" to "hungry, hungry, hippo look alike".  But ladies and gentlemen...I've got it back!  Woohoo!

My first Monday as a pseudo-unemployed person.  At least I get paid until the end of the month!  I found out a little more about my "termination" from a few close coworkers.  Rumor is that they found out I was looking for another job and didn't want to be left high and dry.  Ugh...that sucks.  I'm not sure if that's the real reason but I am going to go with it.  Rumors abound.  

I'm finally coming to terms with it a little.  I think the first few days I was in shock.  I know now that I just need to get right back out there and apply for other jobs like a mad woman.  There isn't a whole lot open in my field right now but I'll try to grab on to whatever I can.  Who knows, maybe I'll find something completely different and love it?  

On the "food" side of things, apparently having job stress agrees with my weight loss efforts.  I lost almost 10 pounds this week!  I know part of it is fluid retention because I've been struggling to get my water in, but even with that, 10 pounds is amazing.  That's a total of 55.5 pounds lost!  So very exciting.

Also, now that I have some extra time on my hands, I know I need to start exercising a little more.  This might be a time to re-start my gym membership.  We'll see, though...

Had a meeting with my boss today and much to my surprise he told me I wasn't passing probation and my employment was terminated.  They are giving me severence until the end of the month and won't contest unemployment.  But what the fuck?  This was totally out of the blue and his reasoning is that the "executive team" made the decision based on personality conflicts.  I'm a little confused, as the personality conflict I thought I had was supposedly not the reason.  So I don't get it.  He wouldn't tell me more and just said he was sorry and confident I would find another job shortly. 

What the fuck?  What the fuck?  What the fuck? 

To make matters worse, I work in a small, tight knit industry and it's only a matter of time before everyone and their uncle finds out.  Which is going to make finding a new job even harder.  Great.  Just what I need. 

If I were just a step further in the mourning process I'd be craving Swiss Cake Rolls and PB Twix.  But the thought just makes me nauseous. 

Yup, this girl!  (Thumbs pointing at self)  Oh yeah!  My Monday morning weigh in wasn't as generous as the 5 pound loss I had last week but it did bring my BMI to 39.9, barely squeaking me into the plain old "obese" category.  I'll take it! 

I posted this on the message board the other day and just realized I forgot to post it in my blog, too.  I've had some time to digest everything that has happened and am feeling a bit better.  But still shocked that I didn't get the job. 

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What a day.  I'm out of town for a work conference and have been trying to enjoy myself while do some work.  It's not easy balancing the life of a post op with an out of town event where you need to eat all your meals out.  I'm wasting a lot of food but thankfully my co-workers seem to be ok "stealing" all my french fries so I don't feel as guilty.  It's hard to remember I don't have a normal stomach, though, and I've taken a few too many bites twice now.  No dumping but very uncomfortable. 

I got some bad news today.  A job I have been pining for for quite some time opened up recently.  I went through the very extensive interview process and made it to the final two.  I got a call today saying they chose someone else.  I'm devastated.  Trying to remember to do deep breathing to keep my anxiety down.  It's helping but I'm starting to go into the numb phase.  It would have been a 20-30 thousand dollar pay increase and something I would LOVE to do.  But for some reason it wasn't meant to be. 

On the positive side, two people I haven't seen since pre-surgery came up to me today and told me "you lost weight- you look great!"  It was nice to hear and they are actually the first people to say anything to me since surgery.  47 pounds later it's finally starting to be noticable.  I'll have to mentally prepare to hear more of this in the future.

I really wish I could eat a bag of Reeces Peanut Butter cups right now.  Or a box of Swiss Cake Rolls.  Or a Dairy Queen Blizzard.  My "go to" foods when the world seems like it's spinning out of control.  Thankfully I'm already in my PJ's and shored up in my hotel room.  The worst damage I could do would be to gorge on pistachios.  But I'm not hungry so I'm going to bed.  

Love you, OH Community. 

I had another bad weekend with food and am again feeling ashamed.  This is the third time that this has happened so it's becoming a habit.  I've also started smoking again.  Why?  Why am I doing this?  It's just so easy to eat the "bad" food and I just seem to be constantly craving something.  I'm sure this is where the smoking thing snuck back in.  I have never been a regular smoker- only social.  But in the last two weeks I have been doing it much more than socially.  To the point that I just WANT, want, want one all the time.  I'm sure this has to do with the transfer addiction factor but I just don't know what else to do.  

I had a second interview for a job I REALLY, REALLY want which would add an additional 20,000 to our income.  After talking to a reference on Friday, I feel like my chances have been compromised based on something she said.  I'm trying not to get bummed about it yet, but can't help but feel the need to prepare myself for disappointment.  So I'm getting more depressed already.  

I just feel like the food I am supposed to be eating is so boring, too.  Cheese, lunchmeat, eggs, etc.  It's just so much protein.  I didn't think I'd get sick of it so soon...but I just am.  I'm even getting sick of my doctored up protein shakes.  

So this Sunday night brings me some disappointment and self loathing.  I know it will get better but I just need to get this situation under control.  I've been attending the monthly support group and every other week counseling but it just doesn't seem to be helping enough.  

I don't want to fail when I have just started!