Today, for the first time since my surgery, my mom left to go back up north.  She deemed me "healed" and a "bad patient" due to my insistance that we constantly be "doing things" but in secret I know she loved it once she got over the shock of how quickly I was bouncing back.  To be honest, I was surprised she stayed this long.  But as soon as she left I did something I never do...I cried.  Maybe it was the fear of being "alone", or the sadness over losing my daily partner in crime or just the hormones...but I was so sad.  I don't think that ever, in my entire life, I have cried when my mom left.  I know I'll be alright "on my own" but her experience and expertise have really helped me through this last week.  At times I was a little snotty and snappy to her, but I really will miss her.  :(

After she left, I did my crying and my husband came in and snuggled with me.  He's not the most understanding or pampering man out there so it felt good.  After a short nap, I got up and sat on the couch and did some OH message board stuff.  Not too long after, the hubby came in and said "get up, we are going for a walk!"  I eyed him warily, as never before in the history of our marriage has he wanted to go for a walk, muchless tried to get me to go.  Even though I was feeling down in the dumps, I couldn't really turn him down so off we went!  We walked about 2 miles and I ended up ggetting a nasty blister on the back of my left foot because of my shoes/short socks.  Darnit.  But the walk was refreshing and the dogs loved it.  The shower afterrwards was almost as enjoyable as the walk!  

Afterwards, we ran to Target for a few essentials.  My husband just HAD to put tortilla chips, a Twix and a Totino's pizza in the cart.  He did promise that those would be his last tortilla chips, though.  We'll see if that lasts but I sure hope so.  He had the lap band in June and has been able to eat just about everything and anything.  This also means he isn't losing anything either.  He thinks it will all come with time and his band fills but I don't think the doc would object to him eating healthier.  Hopefully my good habits will rub off on him. 

He wanted to grab a bit to eat after Target and I was amenable to anything that had soup, which I figured would go down well.  We settled on Perkins where he proceeded to order my all time favorite meal (the chicken tendermelt and fries).  I was stuck with a cup of soup.  It was tough...I drooled over his meal.  He giggled at mine.  Then he got sick a third of the way through (the bread didn't agree with his band) which made me feel a little better.  Hehe...karma!  I ate my soup.  He put his food in a box.  I ate three french fries.  They went down well.  I sighed.  I think this is one of my signs.  Sighing.  I heard somewhere that when you are eating and sigh it means you are full.  Well, I sighed so maybe it's so?  

The temptations are everywhere.  They are staring me in the face, tripping me as I walk, bouncing off me as lay down and even crawling up my nostrils as I close my eyes.  They won't ever go away, I know.  Somehow I need to get into the "zone" of healthiness where I am strong and don't want or need them.  I have been there before (doing weight watchers) and know I have it in me.  I just need to get there again!  

On a different note- Today is the first day I have not lost any weight.  My weight this morning was the same as yesterday.  I suspect it might have somethin to do with the fact that I haven't had a bowel movement (yuck) since the night before the surgery.  I've been sucking on sugar free candies like they are going out of style and still haven't felt anything move.  I hope all the plumbing is still hooked up all right down there!  If no poop tomorrow I'm going to down some miralax and let that flush me out.  It's time.  Hopefully that will help shake this one day plateau!  

Today starts the second week of my life with a new stomach and my mind seems to be struggling a little to grasp all the changes.  As those around me snack on chips, chocolate and popcorn I can't help but drool over and crave them.  My mind wants so much to have a nibble or a taste and I suspect that my stomach wouldn't even mind...but I know that all it takes is a nibble or a taste and I am back to where I was only one week ago with uncontrollable urges and a depandence on sugar.  My surgery was only a week ago and I know I need to prove to myself that I can do it before I allow myself indulgences. 

I am thankful that the burning hunger I felt (hindsight tells me it was definitely head hunger) is basically gone.  I'm struggling, however, with determining what portion size I should be having in the absence of real hunger is a struggle.  I'm not supposed to eat much beyond pureed foods so eating any protein of substance is out of questions.  And a girl can only have so many protein shakes in one day.  I guess I need to start bulking up on them, though.  I'm looking forward to the days of a chicken breast or a steak, though.  Mmmm...chicken!  

Today I have also felt a little out of sorts.  My tummy ached a little more than usual today and I've been much more tired than normal.  I'm hoping this is a one day thing and not my new norm.  Going back to work on Monday is going to be rough.  And not because I'm not able to work- because I've sure been enjoyingg this time off!  

One week out I am finally starting to see some patterns in how my new stomach.  It's like on one of the Disney movies when all the animals start singing and dancing.  The animals sing a song with a real message to the audience...just like my stomach!   Gurgle, gurgle, pop, groan actually means something!  Now I'm certainly not an expert at this yet...I have merely figured out that there really IS a message in the song.  But I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and months of learning "name that tune"! 

Day 6 has brought a little more insight towards my body and my mind when it comes to my surgery and future.  Yesterday I had a major freak out when I was able to eat 3/4 a cup of food for dinner.  Thankfully some helpful OH folks let me know that if you let yourself, you can eat a lot more during this stage because the soft pureed foods are all "sliders" and go through your stomach as you are eating them.  But they also brought up some good points... just because I *can* eat 3/4 a cup doesn't mean I should.  At this stage I should only be eating small amounts otherwise I'm putting my pouch at risk and I won't see the benefit of rapid weight loss.  Although I remember reading it before surgery, I didn't really remember that the nerves in the stomach are severed during surgery and will take awhile to grow back.  This explains why I am never getting that "full" feeling that I am used to.  This also explains why the constant hunger I'm feeling (which is FINALLY starting to ease, by the way) isn't as much physical and in my stomach but more in my chest (obviously you can't feel REAL hunger in your chest, silly!)  

Not having a physical feeling of hunger or fullness is pretty scary and although most people seem to get it back when the nerves grow back 3-6 months post op, some people are 3 years out and still don't have it.  How the heck do they function?  Apparently many people have turned to other signs that have come as a result of the lost feeling.  I have heard quite a few different "signs" that people claim tell them they are full.  One lady said she knows she is full when her body sends out a series of 3 hiccups.  Another says that everytime she needs to stop eating, her nose starts running.  A few others have mentioned a hiccup/burp pehnominom.  It's amazing how our body feels a loss and steps in with a creative way to compensate!  So now I'm on the search for "my sign".  So far today I have noticed a hiccup (two separate occasions) and my nose just started running as I was drinking a protein shake.  Maybe it's my sign? 

Other fears/concerns/insanities of the day are still revolving around my ability to eat more than I should and the realization that my post surgery "habits" aren't that healthy as of yet.  I haven't been measuring my food out because I thought I'd know when I was full- obviously not going to happen.  I also haven't been tracking protein or fluid very well.  With tomorrow being my week "surgiversary" as the pros seem to call it, I really need to start! 

And of course I still can't get over how easy things have been for me so far.  Tonight is literally the first time I have ever felt any stomach discomfort from eating too much.  I have continually been able to take much larger than "tiny" sips recommended.  And I have no major pains or other side effects.  It's so strange.  Most people tell me that I should be thankful it isn't any more difficult but I can't help but feel a little guilty.  It can't be this easy, right?  And if I don't have the huge struggles and tribulations in the beginning, I have more of a chance of failing, right?  *sigh*  I hope I can get ahead of this "fail talk" before it goes much farther...

Any which way I look at it, I am thankful to be alive, healing and losing some of the padding that has encumbered my life for so long.  Wherever this journey takes me, I just need to be happy with it!  After all, I only have one of these lives to live.

Ah, day five!  I thank you for being so much more reasonable than day 4 was! 

After signing off last night I went to bed only to get the worst pains ever at a few of my incision sites.  It felt like someone was stabbing me.  My husband suggested I do some deep breathing, which helped until the pain meds kicked in. 

I slept in again today- need to start going to bed at a reasonable time but that time isn't tonight.  I took my first shower at home and scrubbed off some of the icky adhesive stuck to my stomach from the bandaids they took off.  I also got the blood out of my belly button- gross, right?  I vaguely remember my wounds oozing a lot after surgery so it must have come from that.  Wherever it came from, it felt good to get rid of it after realizing it was there!

I was feeling a little stir crazy again so my mom and I took a trip to Target.  I got a cute new pair off pajamas, a new tank top and a new shirt that doesn't quite fit me yet but will soon, hopefully!  I also stocked up on liquids like grape juice, G2, Boathouse Protein drinks, and milk.  Then, taking the advice of a few posts I saw, I picked up something different for dinner tonight.  I got a little tired and sore walking around the store but that's to be expected after almost 2 hours in Target! 

This evening I was still in pretty good spirits.  My pain levels are very minimal today, with only some pain at the incision sites.  I can still feel the stabbing when I move around but not like I did last night!  I'm starting to get used to the stomach rumbles after ever sip, bite or breath, too.  Getting water in has continued to be a struggle and I'm not really sure why...I just keep forgetting.  I'm sure that if I can increase my water intake I'll probably get rid of some of this lightheadedness.  Hopefully the popsicle's I purchased will help.

For dinner tonight I was craaaaving something "real" to eat.  I saw a suggestion on here to mix ricotta cheese with tomato sauce and a small bit of mozarella cheese and then heat it up in the microwave for a minute.  I did so and it was DELICIOUS!  Just what I needed to settle my craving for "normal" food but soft enough to eat.  I thought the cheese might give me a problem, but it didn't at all.  My only concern is that I ate way more than I thought would be possible.  I hadn't eaten much today so that could be why but I'm just surprised.  I think I ate 3/4 a cup of food.  I don't understand how my stomach can hold that much right now.  Isn't it only supposed to hold a few tablespoons?  I'm actually really worried about this...if I can eat this much now, how much am I going to be able to eat later?  I am just surprised my stomach didn't tell me when it was full...I was still feeling that hunger although I started to feel more bloated as I ate.  I'm just so afraid this is the first sign of failure... why am I not having the problems so many other people who have the surgery?  No dumping, no full feelings, no feeling full...nothing!

Tomorrow, I purchased some fat free refried beans and am going to top it with a little mozzarella cheese for dinner.  It's nice to be eating somewhat normally, even if it isn't solid food.  

The aching hunger that I am feeling is still there but I'm beginning to think it must be something else and not hunger.  I still feel it very intensely, although maybe a little less intense than yesterday.  But how could it be hunger if it feels more in my chest than my stomach?  I'm just not sure...

So, day 5 brought on a whole bunch of different.  Thankfully I'm not as crabby but am still hungry.  I'm not as sore, but am still exhausted.  I just need to remember that day 6 & 7 and forevermore can only get better!  

After a very late night of staying up last night, I work up at about 8 to let the dogs out and then went back to bed until 1.  It felt great to sleep in and was the most sleep I have gotten in over a week with pre-surgery jitters and the absolute impossibility of sleep in the hospital. 

For some reason I have been completely and inexcusably agitated today.  Everything people say is driving me nuts and I just dont want to talk about or think about the surgery but can't seem to escape every thought and word being about it.  I'm snapping at people for no reason, fighting with my husband and being rude to my mom.  I know I'm just crabby but I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone!  I'm in "baby" mode and if people aren't going to baby me I don't want to be around them.  I hate when I get like this.

My pain levels have actually been pretty moderate today.  I haven't taken anything since this morning but still have these intense hunger cravings constantly.  No matter what I drink or eat they don't go away.  Everyone on the message boards says it's not possible for it to be "real" hunger but I can't imagine that a psychological reaction would be so strong.  I'm starving!  

I tried to leave the house for a little while today but ended up having to come back home after only half hour because I was feeling dizzy.  I'm going stir crazy so am going to try again tomorrow.  On the plus side, I bought a new pair of comfy athletic shorts and two new pairs of flip flops while I was out.  When I got home, I felt like crap so took a nap for awhile.  My hubby made me some broth and a protein shake for dinner and although I am still hungry, I couldn't eat any more of it.  Eating and drinking too much just makes me gassy and uncomfortable.  Heck, eating and drinking anything makes me gassy and uncomfortable.  

I weighed myself this morning and have lost 8 pounds already.  It's crazy how quick it falls off but I still feel miserable and don't see any end in sight for my discomfort.  If I can just make it through the first month, it will be ok.  Heck, the first week will be an iimprovement. 

So that's day four; crabby, hungry and full of gas.  Hopefully day 5 will have a more optimistic end.