I went to the State Fair with my family this weekend and despite the low fat cheese sticks and massive amounts of water I packed, I was bad.  I was very bad.  I didn't "binge" on massive amounts of food, but I tried just about everything.  I ate a mini donut, a chocolate chip cookie, half a thing of cheese curds, an entire things of cream cheese fried pickles, part of a blooming onion...so bad.  I didn't improve much the rest of the weekend, either.  I ate an entire package of cinammon fried pecans.  I ate several bites from each of my three nephews and husbands ice cream cones when we took them to get ice cream today.  I neglected my water all weekend.  I forgot my vitamins most of the time.  I did horrible and can't help but feel ashamed of my behavior.  I just couldn't say no. 

Now, my body is loaded with the carbs I tried so hard to rid it from.  I weighed in this morning and only lost half a pound this week.  I'm almost 6 weeks out and have lost only 31 pounds.  WHY did I do this?  I have such a range of emotions right now.  There are so many thoughts going through my mind...

"Who cares...I didn't binge on them, I just ate a little of each.  Who says I can't try a little taste of everything?"
"What the hell did I do?  I just sabotaged my weight loss efforts.  I'm never going to succeed."
"Why the hell can I eat so many different foods already?  What is wrong with me?  I'm going to fail"
"I need to get back on track but I don't want to...the food I ate this weekend was sooo good!"
"I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail'
"Shame on me.  If I can't make it to the 6 week mark without eating this crap, how am I going to make it to the 6 month or 6 year mark?"


So many thoughts and I just don't know how to process it all.  I did feel a little queezy after eating the mini donut and cookie within 10 minutes of each other at the fair.  And today when I kept sampling the ice creams I started to get a little queasy again.  But no real dumping like other people have.  *sigh* 

I know what the answer is in a situation like this.  I know what I am supposed to do.  I know what I need to do.  I need to say goodbye to the carbs I hung out with this weekend.  I need to stomp the sugars out of my mind.  I need to forget about the "visions of mini donuts dancing through my head"  I need to start over and move away from failure and towards success.  The only question is,  will I do it?  

One day at a time, though.  Tomorrow I WILL wake up and drink my protein shake for breakfast, eat a healthy lunch and a healthy dinner.  I will NOT succumb to the carbs and sugar that tempt me.  I can do this tomorrow.  I know I can.