happy Anniversary to me!  It's been exactly a year since I had my surgery and so much has changed.  I'm 110 pounds lighter, much more active and way healthier.  I continue to struggle with my food choices and filling in the emptiness that food filled with other things.lately I have been doing a lot of assessing and realize that I need to "redo" a lot of things in my life and declutter my heart, mind and soul...  It's a slow process but I'm working with a therapist and doing a lot of reflection to get there.  

Part of my desire to do this is a result of my goal to have a child soon.  Now that my weight has stabilized I'm fairly certain my doctor will let me proceed with trying to get pregnant, as we previously discussed.  I know that if I bring a little one into the world I  need to make sure I am truly ready.

So, a year later here I am.  It's been a roller coaster of emotion with many ups and downs but I wouldn't redo it for anything.  Best decision I have ever made!!!!

I celebrated four months since my surgery this week.  It's been a crazy ride.  I am down 75 pounds and feeling so much lighter!  It's amazing what a difference it makes in our lives.  Because of my lack of appetite, I know I still have quite a bit to lose, which is a good thing.  I can't wait to be under 200 pounds!!!  28 more to go!

With the loss of my job, it has been a lot harder to stay "on track" with vitamins and getting in calories.  Unfortunately, I can eat whatever I want and when I'm feeling down sometimes I make bad choices.  I am working on changing this and making sure I fill up with protein first!  I know it's essential to my long term success and I am committed to it.

I'm also planning to start back at the gym soon.  I feel that I have finally taken off enough weight to exercise unembarassed and with a little more ease.  I think this will help a lot!  

So that's it.....that's my four month update.  It's so amazing to see the transformation.  Maybe one day I'll even get some pictures up here!

I just had a realization tonight that yesterday was my 3 month surgiversary and I completely forgot!  I've been a little pre-occupied lately with the whole job situation but am finally on the road to sanity thanks to some Xanax and Prozac.  Sane and medicated is better than crazy and not! 

So four months!  Crazy.  I've lost 60 pounds already and although it comes off "slowly" it seems (I know that 60 pounds in four months is not slow but it feels like it at the time) it's really adding up!  My size 24 pants are history, as are the 22s, and most of my 20s.  I'm starting to squeeze into some 18s and it feels great!  Clothes I bought thinking they would fit me for awhile (used of course :) are already getting too big!

On one hand, it's awesome.  I can move and breathe so much better!  On the other hand, I don't feel like much has happened because it hasn't been that long since I was at this weight.  About 5 years ago I went on an upwards climb and hit the big 250 and decided to do something about it.  Through Weight Watchers and exercise I took off about 45 pounds and was down to 205 before I started going up again.  Up, up and away, actually to my surgery weight of 303 pounds.  Now that some of the "air" has been let out of my body I've finally settled around the 240/250 mark for right now and it sort of feels like I'm finally back at "square one" the place where my original journey all began.  I think the next 40 to 50 pounds are going to be just as difficult as the last because it hasn't been that long since I've been there.  I wonder if anyone else is experiencing this. 

Although my doctor says I will be a "success" if I get 60% of the way towards my ideal BMI (205 pounds), I can't help but feel like that's the complete tipping point for me and that's where I REALLY start my journey.  Getting to the 205 is a cake walk (not really, but you know what I mean) and I even managed to do it without surgery once.  But getting below that...finding the elusive 199, 190, 180, 170 and GOD FORBID, 160 or below will be the real test.  I wonder what will happen when I get to that point of possibility?  

So obviously I've been pretty bummed lately about my employment situation and feeling like a negative Nancy.  I'm trying to snap out of it and a week after the fact I'm finally starting to look forward to the future. 

In an effort to cheer myself up, I met with an old friend yesterday for a drink (yes, I had a glass of wine).  As we were sitting there, these two cute old guys got up and left the bar.  They stood briefly outside the door, appeared to be talking about something important, and then one of them came back into the bar and headed right towards me.  He tapped me on the shoulder and gestured to his friend who was standing in the doorway.  "We just wanted to let you know that you look like that Barrymore girl.  You know, the one from the movies."  I blushed, thanked him and he said "Yeah, we just wanted you to know that.  You look just like her!"  So I thanked him again and him and his friend once again went on their ways.  It was so cute.

Back in my skinnier days, I got the Drew Barrymore thing all the time.  People would come up to me and say it and I'd just blush and laugh.  I have never seen it, but I've had enough strangers (including my husband before we met) say it that I guess there must be some truth to it.  If only I was that skinny and cute!  Sadly, it's been years since I've heard that, though.  The last fifty pounds I put on moved me out of "occasional human celebrity look alike" to "hungry, hungry, hippo look alike".  But ladies and gentlemen...I've got it back!  Woohoo!

My first Monday as a pseudo-unemployed person.  At least I get paid until the end of the month!  I found out a little more about my "termination" from a few close coworkers.  Rumor is that they found out I was looking for another job and didn't want to be left high and dry.  Ugh...that sucks.  I'm not sure if that's the real reason but I am going to go with it.  Rumors abound.  

I'm finally coming to terms with it a little.  I think the first few days I was in shock.  I know now that I just need to get right back out there and apply for other jobs like a mad woman.  There isn't a whole lot open in my field right now but I'll try to grab on to whatever I can.  Who knows, maybe I'll find something completely different and love it?  

On the "food" side of things, apparently having job stress agrees with my weight loss efforts.  I lost almost 10 pounds this week!  I know part of it is fluid retention because I've been struggling to get my water in, but even with that, 10 pounds is amazing.  That's a total of 55.5 pounds lost!  So very exciting.

Also, now that I have some extra time on my hands, I know I need to start exercising a little more.  This might be a time to re-start my gym membership.  We'll see, though...

Had a meeting with my boss today and much to my surprise he told me I wasn't passing probation and my employment was terminated.  They are giving me severence until the end of the month and won't contest unemployment.  But what the fuck?  This was totally out of the blue and his reasoning is that the "executive team" made the decision based on personality conflicts.  I'm a little confused, as the personality conflict I thought I had was supposedly not the reason.  So I don't get it.  He wouldn't tell me more and just said he was sorry and confident I would find another job shortly. 

What the fuck?  What the fuck?  What the fuck? 

To make matters worse, I work in a small, tight knit industry and it's only a matter of time before everyone and their uncle finds out.  Which is going to make finding a new job even harder.  Great.  Just what I need. 

If I were just a step further in the mourning process I'd be craving Swiss Cake Rolls and PB Twix.  But the thought just makes me nauseous. 

Yup, this girl!  (Thumbs pointing at self)  Oh yeah!  My Monday morning weigh in wasn't as generous as the 5 pound loss I had last week but it did bring my BMI to 39.9, barely squeaking me into the plain old "obese" category.  I'll take it! 

I posted this on the message board the other day and just realized I forgot to post it in my blog, too.  I've had some time to digest everything that has happened and am feeling a bit better.  But still shocked that I didn't get the job. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a day.  I'm out of town for a work conference and have been trying to enjoy myself while do some work.  It's not easy balancing the life of a post op with an out of town event where you need to eat all your meals out.  I'm wasting a lot of food but thankfully my co-workers seem to be ok "stealing" all my french fries so I don't feel as guilty.  It's hard to remember I don't have a normal stomach, though, and I've taken a few too many bites twice now.  No dumping but very uncomfortable. 

I got some bad news today.  A job I have been pining for for quite some time opened up recently.  I went through the very extensive interview process and made it to the final two.  I got a call today saying they chose someone else.  I'm devastated.  Trying to remember to do deep breathing to keep my anxiety down.  It's helping but I'm starting to go into the numb phase.  It would have been a 20-30 thousand dollar pay increase and something I would LOVE to do.  But for some reason it wasn't meant to be. 

On the positive side, two people I haven't seen since pre-surgery came up to me today and told me "you lost weight- you look great!"  It was nice to hear and they are actually the first people to say anything to me since surgery.  47 pounds later it's finally starting to be noticable.  I'll have to mentally prepare to hear more of this in the future.

I really wish I could eat a bag of Reeces Peanut Butter cups right now.  Or a box of Swiss Cake Rolls.  Or a Dairy Queen Blizzard.  My "go to" foods when the world seems like it's spinning out of control.  Thankfully I'm already in my PJ's and shored up in my hotel room.  The worst damage I could do would be to gorge on pistachios.  But I'm not hungry so I'm going to bed.  

Love you, OH Community. 

I had another bad weekend with food and am again feeling ashamed.  This is the third time that this has happened so it's becoming a habit.  I've also started smoking again.  Why?  Why am I doing this?  It's just so easy to eat the "bad" food and I just seem to be constantly craving something.  I'm sure this is where the smoking thing snuck back in.  I have never been a regular smoker- only social.  But in the last two weeks I have been doing it much more than socially.  To the point that I just WANT, want, want one all the time.  I'm sure this has to do with the transfer addiction factor but I just don't know what else to do.  

I had a second interview for a job I REALLY, REALLY want which would add an additional 20,000 to our income.  After talking to a reference on Friday, I feel like my chances have been compromised based on something she said.  I'm trying not to get bummed about it yet, but can't help but feel the need to prepare myself for disappointment.  So I'm getting more depressed already.  

I just feel like the food I am supposed to be eating is so boring, too.  Cheese, lunchmeat, eggs, etc.  It's just so much protein.  I didn't think I'd get sick of it so soon...but I just am.  I'm even getting sick of my doctored up protein shakes.  

So this Sunday night brings me some disappointment and self loathing.  I know it will get better but I just need to get this situation under control.  I've been attending the monthly support group and every other week counseling but it just doesn't seem to be helping enough.  

I don't want to fail when I have just started! 

8 weeks post op today!  My weight is still SLOWLY falling off and I'm trying to come to terms with it.  I "sneak" weighed myself today to see what my 8 week loss is and I was down another 2 pounds for a total of 40 pounds.  That's an average of 5 pounds a week, although 25 of it was within the first two weeks.  But I'm still happy with it.  I'm wearing pants I haven't fit into in AGES and it feels great.  My jeans that used to be snug a few weeks ago now need a belt.  I'm noticing my body is changing in such subtle ways.  My bras no long leave angry red marks in my side.  My belly fat doesn't hang over my you know what like it used to.  I can lift my legs in the air and cling to my husband with them during sex (I can't tell you how much I've missed that!).  My hips don't constantly ache and the numbness caused by some undiagnosed pinched nerve in my back has pretty much disappeared.  I can get in and out of the car easier.  I FEEL 40 pounds lighter when I think about it.  When I'm in a "pity party mood" it's a whole different story, though :)

There are times I want to feel sorry for myself for not losing faster.  There are times I look in my closet and want to cry because my cute old clothes still don't fit yet.  There are times I just want to sleep all day, all night and repeat.  There are times I completely ignore my work for an entire shift because I just can't concentrate.  There are times I"m a complete bitch to my husband because my hormones are going a little crazy.  There are times I get frustrated with all the vitamins I have to take and want to throw them out the window.  There are times I forget to eat for 10 hours only to stand up and feel dizzy.  Most of the time I struggle to get in 64 ounces of water.  Some days I just want to eat some junk food.  

Old habits are hard to break.  Sometimes I forget I had surgery until I get to the checkout and realize the cookies in my cart aren't a possibility anymore.  Other times I look forward to being the one to pick up dinner because I can sneak an extra cheeseburger in...only to remember that I don't do that anymore.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder who the new girl is. Oh wait...it's me. 

8 weeks out, I'll take it all.  I'll take the good, the bad and the ugly.  I'm shrinking slowly but I'm still shrinking.  And I'm finally getting my health back! 

I hit 7 weeks post op today and am trudging along somewhat sucessfully.  I have had some bumps in the road and some some all out detours but am still heading in the downwards direction.  As life starts to regain some sense of normalcy I'm finding myself a little overwhelmed by eating in the real world.  My food choices around meals remain pretty boring and it's starting to drive me nuts.  But I'm just not always sure what to be eating.  I know the answer is "protein, protein, protein" but a girl can only eat so many cheese sticks, chicken salad and cottage cheese.  I've tried expanding my food selection into edamame, "chicken" boca burgers and nuts but I'm still getting bored with it all.  It seems completely pointless to cook as my husband likely won't like it and I'll have tons of leftovers I will never be able to eat.  So I'm just sort of "stuck". 

Another downfall of it all is that I am starting to nibble on foods that I KNOW are bad for me while trying to figure out what foods that are GOOD for me I should be making to eat.  Tonight I was looking for something quick for dinner and ended up dipping some tortilla chips into an avacado.  It was only 6 chips, but 6 chips is how it all starts.  I was at an event yesterday and ended up eating 2 slices of cantaloupe, 2 oreos and a M & M cookie.  I just couldn't resist.  I added all of this into myfitnesspal.com fitness tracker and it wasn't that many calories- I still managed to stay under my 1,000 but I know that it's not helping me.  And it's making it easier for me to "fall off the wagon" in the future.  I WANT to eat healthy and I WANT to succeed but I just crave the foods of my former self.

On a positive, I went to one of my "trigger stores" yesterday, the Dollar General and although I walked passed all my favorite cheap junk food, I resisted it all and bought only a bag of sugar free hard candies.  But the entire time I was in there I just kept staring at it all thinking of how much I missed it.  The Swiss Cake Rolls, the Maple Cookies, the Cheese Dip and chips.  Mmmmm...I miss it.  But I know I need to resist!  

So at 7 weeks, here I am.  36+ pounds down.  1,000 calories a day.  Fighting the urges to bathe myself in chocolate frosting and Little Debbie snacks.  I don't regret having the surgery at all but just wish the "fight" towards healthy was a little easier.  

What a day of successes!  I have been feeling a little discouraged lately about my bad eating this weekend but decided to turn it all around and have gotten right back on track.  With today being my 6 week surgiversary I couldn't help but take a peek at the scale this morning.  Normally I only weigh in on Wednesdays but I just couldn't resist.  And lo and behold it moved!  Several pounds!  I've been losing at a very slow, almost stalled, pace the last 2 weeks so was super excited to get into the 260's!  It's been almost 2 years since I was here!  

I also got a phone call this morning about a job interview for my dream job.  I am so pumped about it and just to check, I tried on my favorite suit that was skin tight and I couldn't wear anymore.  It fit like a dream!!  On top of that, we got two applications of people who want to adopt our foster dog.  

What a great six week surgiversary!

I went to the State Fair with my family this weekend and despite the low fat cheese sticks and massive amounts of water I packed, I was bad.  I was very bad.  I didn't "binge" on massive amounts of food, but I tried just about everything.  I ate a mini donut, a chocolate chip cookie, half a thing of cheese curds, an entire things of cream cheese fried pickles, part of a blooming onion...so bad.  I didn't improve much the rest of the weekend, either.  I ate an entire package of cinammon fried pecans.  I ate several bites from each of my three nephews and husbands ice cream cones when we took them to get ice cream today.  I neglected my water all weekend.  I forgot my vitamins most of the time.  I did horrible and can't help but feel ashamed of my behavior.  I just couldn't say no. 

Now, my body is loaded with the carbs I tried so hard to rid it from.  I weighed in this morning and only lost half a pound this week.  I'm almost 6 weeks out and have lost only 31 pounds.  WHY did I do this?  I have such a range of emotions right now.  There are so many thoughts going through my mind...

"Who cares...I didn't binge on them, I just ate a little of each.  Who says I can't try a little taste of everything?"
"What the hell did I do?  I just sabotaged my weight loss efforts.  I'm never going to succeed."
"Why the hell can I eat so many different foods already?  What is wrong with me?  I'm going to fail"
"I need to get back on track but I don't want to...the food I ate this weekend was sooo good!"
"I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail'
"Shame on me.  If I can't make it to the 6 week mark without eating this crap, how am I going to make it to the 6 month or 6 year mark?"


So many thoughts and I just don't know how to process it all.  I did feel a little queezy after eating the mini donut and cookie within 10 minutes of each other at the fair.  And today when I kept sampling the ice creams I started to get a little queasy again.  But no real dumping like other people have.  *sigh* 

I know what the answer is in a situation like this.  I know what I am supposed to do.  I know what I need to do.  I need to say goodbye to the carbs I hung out with this weekend.  I need to stomp the sugars out of my mind.  I need to forget about the "visions of mini donuts dancing through my head"  I need to start over and move away from failure and towards success.  The only question is,  will I do it?  

One day at a time, though.  Tomorrow I WILL wake up and drink my protein shake for breakfast, eat a healthy lunch and a healthy dinner.  I will NOT succumb to the carbs and sugar that tempt me.  I can do this tomorrow.  I know I can.  

There are quite a few studies out there linking poor sleep habits with increased weight gain.  I have the most atrocious sleep habits and, although I can't blame my weight on that, I can't help but wonder the role it has played.  In addition to insomnia and sleep apnea, I have a horrible habit of not going to bed until I am absolutely, beyond comprehension, exhausted.  Seriously, I wait until I am falling asleep in front of the TV or computer before I finally take out my contacts and head to bed.  Even then, I find myself needing to play a few games of solitaire on my iphone before I can fall asleep.  Usually this is about 2 am. 

Unfortunately, these horrible sleep habits don't work well for someone with a full time job.  Thankfully my job is pretty flexible, but it still makes things difficult.  The later I go to sleep, the later I sleep in.  In the mornings, I just don't want to get up.  Even after my 8 hours of sleep, I still want to stay in bed.  

Since my RNY, it has only gotten worse.  My average bedtime is now 2am but sometimes as late as 4am.  I never want to get out of bed in the morning.  I haven't had so many "low energy" days like many post-op RNY-ers but I definitely don't want to get out of bed.  Usually when I leave the house I feel a lot better...but getting to that point: showering, putting makeup on, getting dressed, etc is so exhausting.  I wonder if this has anything to do with the RNY?  

I know part of this is probably a bit of depression.  Lately I haven't felt satisfied with many areas of my life.  My marriage is so-so, my job is so-so...I guess those are the two biggest parts of my life.  I just don't feel like I have that much else going on.  

But I just don't think this sleep thing is all depression...so why the hell can't I make myself go to sleep at night???  I worry that this may, in part, be just another sabateur in my weight loss process. 

Happy five weeks to me!  I'm down thirty pounds and had a major non scale victory this morning when I tried on a pair of pants to see how long it might be until they fit and...they fit!  So very exciting!  I think I need to start gathering some of my "big girl" clothes that are getting too big and sell them on ebay!  I love non scale victories!!! 

Boy oh boy does time go by fast sometimes.  There are days like today when I look back and feel like I had my surgery yesterday!  Thankfully it was almost five weeks ago instead of yesterday :) 

We had kickball tonight, the start of the fall season.  It was the first time I'd seen a few people since before my surgery.  A few of them who knew I had the surgery asked how much I had lost and told me that they could really tell in my face.  It was nice to hear although I am totally self concious when people outside my "inner circle" ask me about it.  I don't know why I feel so awkward talking about it.  Hubby says people are going to find out eventually so I might as well be up front with them.  But I'm struggling a little with that.  My motto has kinda been, if they don't need to know I'm not going to tell them.  Hubby, on the other hand, might as well put a flashing neon sign on my ass that says "weight loss surgery patient".  Men!

Thankfully our anniversary turned out nice.  I had a major case of the post-surgery hormone's surging through my body so was a little emotional.  Hubby came home from work with flowers and a nice card.  I had a treasure hunt for him with clues that lead to his new hunting tree stand.  He was really surprised and didn't think we were exchanging gifts so didn't get me anything.  I'm not in it for the gifts but I can't help but feel a little disappointed.  I was also a little disappointed he didn't plan dinner and my crazy emotions kept making me think that he had forgotten or something until last minute.  I sucked it up and he took me to a new Carribean place only to discover it was closed!  We went to plan B and ended up stopping at a less than adequate vietnamese place.  I got Pho, which is surprisingly low in calories, and ate only a little bit.  The whole time I just couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my mind telling me that he had forgotten until last minute.  When we got home, I was still sulking a bit and decided to go off and sulk on a walk with the dogs.  By the time I got ready, he had put on his clothes and was coming with me.  We took a super long walk and even managed to run a little (although my too big pants started fallilng down :)  By the time we got back I felt a ton better. 

As soon as we got home, hubby was exhausted and went to bed.  I followed but he fell asleep in about 30 seconds.  I was soooo pissed!  I got up out of bed and came onto the couch.  I sat there for about 2 hours going back and forth between emotions.  One minute I was fuming mad that he had the gall to fall asleep early on our freakin' anniversary!  The next minute I was crying because I felt like he'd forgotten and not spent much time on planning anything.  Back and forth, back and forth.  At some point he came out, found me crying and was so confused as to what was going on.  I finally told him that I felt like he had forgotten our anniversary and dind't do anything to make it special.  I also told him that I was very hurt he fell asleep right away.  He felt super bad and tried to assure me about a dozen times that he hadn't forgotten but didn't know what I wanted to do and wasn't sure what time I'd get home from work and didn't know we would be exchanging gifts and so on.  He also said he was so sorry he fell asleep but he was just exhausted.  I felt a little better after this but still not one hundred percent.  

This morning I woke up feeling a lot better and hubby called to make sure I was doing better.  I still think he forgot a little bit (despite more assurances that he didn't).  I guess if he didn't forget then I should be even more upset that he didn't even plan anything special.  Right?  Anyways, despite all that I'm sort of mad at myself for letting my stupid overemotional hormones get in the way of enjoying my anniversary.  Even if everything wasn't perfectly preplanned like the crazy type A planner in my wants, it was a really nice night with the man that I love.  And I spent most of it silently sulking and being annoyed and hurt.  Geesh!  Shame on me! 

So yeah, that's that.  Food stresses have been about the same.  I'm struggling a bit with balancing eating with a chaotic schedule.  Tonight we were supposed to grill at kickball and it started raining so I had to go without food from my lunch at 3:00 to after kickball at 10.  I wasn't starving or anything but could definitely tell the body wanted food.  I need to get better at keeping snacks on hand and when I have the snacks actually eating them.  

Over and out!

Here it is...I finally hit one month.  I celebrated my one month "surgiversary" by camping with my brother, sister in law and parents (hubby stayed home for grad school orientation...grrr).  The weekend was fantastic.  I did things I have never done or haven't done in ages.  Shot my dad's 22 rifle and pistol.  Butchered 75 chickens (not as bad as you'd think).  Hiked a little at a state park.  Sat by the fire and just relaxed.  It was fabulous.  I really didn't want to come home. 

Eating/food was not as good as I'd hoped.  It is so hard to track what you are eating when you are in a place with no time.  A free flowing weekend doesn't really have time restrictions.  You just eat when you feel like it and go with the flow.  For me, that didn't work so well.  I had prepacked a whole bunch of healthier foods I could eat.  Chicken salad, egg salad, cheese, salmon, lunch meat, soy milk, protein powder, my vitamins, etc...  If I were to have been graded on how my actual meal planning and eating went, I'd give myself a D.  I didn't track anything- it was just too difficult (writing the word "difficult" I now seem a little silly...I could have at least guessed, right?).  I didn't eat at regular intervals.  I only took half my vitamins.  I dind't make one protein shake.  I grazed a lot.  Mostly on healthy stuff like my cheese.  But I still should have eaten meals, not grazing.  I ate some pot roast and it got lodged in my opening so tight that it was stuck there for about an hour.  Guess my body isn't ready for that.  Need to get myself some of those papaya enzymes people talk about. 

What I feel most guilty about is that after resisting every chip, cracker, donut, coffee drink, candy bar and smore out there, I ate a cookie today.  And then another.  And another.  And another.  I had 4 coconut shortbread cookies.  FOUR of them.  Seriously...what the fuck was I thinking?  This is the first really bad thing I have done since surgery and I'm feeling so guilty about it.  If I had stopped at one, I might not feel so bad.  But I ate the last four.  And who knows if I would have kept on going if there were more left.  This just highlights the fact that I have a major problem with food and surgery alone isn't going to cure it.  I'm so afraid that this slip up is an indication of how my future is going to be.  Will I keep slipping up?  Will I not lose as well as others?  Will I fail?  Fail, fail, fail.  I can't get it out of my head.  

At one month, I know that I should be reflecting on the positive changes that have taken place over the last month, but I just can't seem to do it.  I'm just not there tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.  Tonight I'm still thinking about how I can make myself more successful on these sort of out of town trips in the future...

Today marks the 29th day since my surgery.  I am definitely having another low energy day but managed to get quite a bit of work done from home.  This evening, I dragged myself and the foster pup out of the house and went and watched the hubby play softball.  It was nice to get out of the house and actually made me feel way better!  We even got a little exercise (not much) by walking around the field. 

Tomorrow, I am heading up north to my brother's land (the future site of his house) and camping for the weekend with my dad and mom.  The hubby has grad school orientation so although I will miss him, he's not coming.  I think I'm moreso disappointed because it's the weekend before our anniversary (Monday it will be two years for us) and he hasn't said a word about it. 

As for our anniversary, I just have this feeling that come Monday I am going to be majorly disappointed in him because he'll either 1- forget, 2- wait until the last minute and buy me some crappy chocolate bar I can't eat or 3-have to play kickball that night and totally blow it off.  I know I should give him more credit than that but I'm disappointed enough that he hasn't even mentioned it.  I, on the other hand, spent $130 for something I know he really wants and was planning to do something sweet like make dinner, leave him sweet notes or other romantic things I have been mulling over.  It has been kind of a rough go for us lately and I just want so hard for him to TRY at our relationship and haven't seen much true effort from him lately.  It's all half ass with a grumble.  Even when he tries to do something nice, it's covered by a smart ass comment or a derogatory remark.  But I know I should have more faith in him...I am just struggling with it.  ..ugh...I digress.  This isn't a relationship blog so I'll stop now. 

Back to camping.  So I think this weekend will be a lot easier than last weekend.  One because I will be with people who are very sympathetic to the cause.  My parents both had WLS surgery and understand what I am going through.  My brother and his wife are super cool about it, too.  And we won't be eating out.  I'm making up some egg salad and chicken salad tonight along with some beef jerky and greek yogurt and other snacks so I'll have plenty to snack on.  I'm even going to try to bring my magic bullet and some milk so I can have my protein shakes.  Hopefully it will be a camping success. 

Well, off to bed.  It's going to be a long day tomorrow and a lot of driving up north!

Wow- today is my four week surgiversary.  It's amazing how fast time flies.  I meant to weigh myself this morning but forgot.  It's probably for the best. 

Reflecting back on these last four weeks brings to light the wild ride I have been on.  After voluntarily agreeing to have a surgeon rearrange my stomach and bowels I have made a life change that still astonishes me.  After my initial major loss, I have started dropping about 4 pounds a week for a total of 27 pounds so far.  27 pounds doesn't seem like that much but I think the last 27 pounds I gained went straight to my face and neck.  Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a definite difference.  Heck, today I caught a quick glimpse in the bathroom mirror at work and had to do a double take.  I'm shrinking!  

I'm still nervous about the thought of failing.  I had an appointment with the therapist I was seeing pre-surgery yesterday and we had some good conversations about it.  She challenged me to start thinking in the moment and not focusing on what is ahead.  She also reminded me that just because someone says it on the message boards doesn't mean it's true for everyone.  Very good points but I have come to rely on this board so much for advice and guidance it's hard to let go of some of it.  But it's probably not a bad idea.  Yesterday I didn't even look at OH once, all day.  I didn't even do my usual nightly blog.  And you know what...I didn't really miss it that much.  Maybe it's time to start living life for myself and seeing what works for me instead of relying on OH?  I'm just not sure...

I'm still in exhaustion mode with a dislike for going to bed.  Sort of an oxymoron but true.  I took a sleeping pill last night and conked out for 11 hours.  It was great and I'm actually ready for bed at a decent time tonight.  I wish I had some more energy to exercise, though.  I haven't even taken one walk this week.  Which is pretty much my usual when it comes to exercise...try it for a week and then quit.  UGH.  I NEEED to change this!  

But that's it...four weeks.  Almost a full month.  I made it this far without any major problems so here's to another month of success!

26 days since my surgery.  Wow, it's amazing how fast time flies.  After the crazy weekend, I was bad and didn't go to bed until after one am last night.  Of course that meant I slept in until like 11 today and ended up working from home.  Working from home meant I spent most of the day researching nutritional requirements instead of actually working.  I just had no energy.  I still have no energy.  I'm not sure where it went.  Maybe I left it in Iowa this weekend? 

I was going to make a chicken dinner tonight but turns out I let the chicken defrost for too many days so had to toss it.   Instead I souped up a green bean casserole with some ground turkey on the bottom and cooked that up.  It was pretty good and I ate more than I thought I'd be able to.  

I have a whole bunch of stuff I should be doing such as unpacking, cleaning the bathroom, the dishes, take the pups on a walk, etc but I just can't seem to find the energy.  I'm feeling a little down in the dumps.  

Maybe I'll take a Tylenol PM and try to catch up on my sleep.  If I can wake up early, maybe I could take the dogs for a walk in the morning?  It's so easy to make these kind of plans but so hard to follow through on them.  As usual, I'm sure I'll stay up super late and end up sleeping half the day away.