ObesityHelp

We lost the baby.  It happened about a month ago.  Our hearts were broken.  They said that it had nothing to do with the gastric bypass, and that was good news.  But man oh man was this baby wanted.  Our faith in God pulled us through it, and we understand that while God's plan is not easy to deal with, we need to because He knows what is best in our lives.  I thank all of you for your well wishes, and keep us in your prayers for next time. 

I can tell you though it is scary watching that scale go up. (We were almost 3 months along).  But I knew that the weight that I was gaining was healthy weight and I trusted that my exercise and eating habits would keep any excess weight off.  It did and I am still working on losing the extra 10 lbs I gained from quitting smoking and being preggers.  I want my body to be in the best shape it can be for when we try again. 

I hope all is well with my OH family and may God bless you all.  Be well. 

Sooo... Still 8 lbs away from goal.  It rings true what everyone says that the weight comes off slower as you go along.  It's a bit frustrating to see the scale staying the same, and honestly a bit depressing.  It seems these days though it doesn't take a lot to make me sad.  I think it's just one of the side effects of the surgery.  In fact, on life after weight loss.  I have been so consumed with losing weight, that now that part of my life is over (and believe me I'm praising God!), there is really not much else to stress about.  It has been a part of my life for so long.  Wanting and needing to lose weight that now I have to figure out what else there is to dedicate myself so wholly to.  My husband has been my strength through this and for those of us who have spouses that are a rock, you know that it's a blessing.  For those of you who don't have that foundation, then find it!  It will make the journey so much easier for you. 

I think back to the way I felt after this surgery, wanting a new me.  I realized that I didn't want a new me, I wanted ME!  Without the cushion that protected and also hindered me.  I find now that when I walk in a room, I'm just another woman there.  Not the big girl, not the extra gregarious to hide the pain or the fat, just a woman.  It's weird and nice at the same time.

A couple of days ago, I went to my old job and one of the officers walked right past me.  I said hi and he spoke back and looked at me strangely.  Then a few minutes later he came back and said "Do I know you?"  I said "Yeah, Gonzales, it's me Shenikwa".  He was so taken aback.  He said he recognized the voice, but had no clue it was me.  WOW what a feeling.  He really saw me, and then at that moment I saw me.  I realized that I really have changed and 161 gone makes a huge difference.

It's surprising that living in my body, I am so clueless on what I actually look like.  With clothes I'm HOT!  Without, well that's a whole 'nother story that a bunch of plastic surgery will fix :-).  Ohhhh be prepared for the skin.  It is just insane how much there is, and where it is!  My body is seriously a work in progress, and I think that is why I can't see what it really looks like.  I still see the fat cause I see the skin.  I mean it seriously sucks.  But then when I my entire body into one leg in my size 28 jeans, I realize there is a lot of me missing.  And the bad part.

My mom is considering this surgery.  Well, she is considering the lap-band.  I told her that I would support her in whatever I could with this.  It is a challenge, but I am so glad I have done it.  No matter what happens, I would rather live a few years in authentic life, then a lifetime behind a cover.

Well this is a bunch of random thoughts at 0144 in the morning.  May God continue to shine His grace on all of you, and may your journey be exactly what you need it to be.  Be well OH family.

I never imagined being in this place...  I am so close to my goal weight I can smell it.  I feel great, yet scared.  I'm not sure what life is going to be like without worrying about losing weight.  I now have to MAINTAIN it.  WOW... I don't even think I understand what that means.  It really frightens me and invigorates me at the same time.  I look at me now and while I love it, it freaks me out at the same time.  Finally, the outside matches the inside.  I pray each night that God keeps me humble and strong with Him and that I don't destroy what He has so gratefully given me.  Being small doesn't fix all your problems... But it does give you one less thing to worry about.

I guess there is nothing else I can say, but I will make sure to let you all know when I reach my goal of 150.  Ohhh and happy surgiversary to me!  One year out.  Praise God!  Be well OH family.

So... I have found hot tamales.  And boy oh boy have they found me!  I have found that I love those things and they don't bother my pouch at all.  So guess who's been have a box (ok, sometimes 2) boxes a day???  Who has gained 3 lbs in 3 days?  Ding, ding, ding!  Yep me.  Boy that sucks!  So I've cut back.  Actually I cut them out.  Working in a dispatch center where my employees are always making 'food' runs is soooo hard to say no!  But last night I did.  Oh my goodness was that crazy.  And HARD!  When something bad works oh so good with your pouch you become obsessed with it.  I miss candy and sweets.  So I think I just went way too far with it.  I think that I just need to grasp some sort of control here and remember why and where I cam from.

Let me just tell you now that I refuse to go back to fat life.  I really cannot even fathom it now.  It hurts me to imagine that I could do that.  So you know, eating this bad stuff, beating myself up and such I have such body morphing problems.  I see my skin (eewww it's EVERYWHERE!), and I imagine it filled up.  Thankfully I know to call my friends who care about me and my success and have been successful and I talk with them and they can talk me down.  My biggest counselor has been the Lord tho.  He knows how much even more than me, of how much I've been struggling. 

Pray for me OH family, that I stay strong and stay away from those damned hot tamales!  LOL  Be well OH family