I am a 33 year old native Texan who has been overweight her entire life.   I was fortunate enough to go to the same school from 3rd grade to graduation, so most of my classmates knew me as the chunky kid, and there were others who were larger or dorkier for them to pick on regularly, so I wasn't teased as much growing up as I probably could have been.

I was isolated emotionally though.  It wasn't so much by teasing or hurtful people, but rather by my own lack of security within myself.  If I had believed I was beautiful, then I probably would have taken the time to pick out flattering clothes or wear makeup and show off the beauty that God gave me...even if it included a few extra pounds.  Its important to say that no one ever made me feel unattractive; i had very supportive family and friends.  I just allowed myself to believe that I wasn't up to the same standards as the girls my age that were out on dates and dancing with boys at the dances.

I'm not going to say I'm super proud of this, but it wasn't until I began in college and had my first experiences with alcohol and college parties  that I began to realize that I was someoen special  The famous Latin saying "in vino, veritas" holds true for me, because I found that when I was out with a group of my college friends and after a few beers, I was my true self, and that was attractive to those around me.  The extra pounds (which due probably to the beer were piling on more!) didn't mean so much when I was the life of the party!  At the same time I was at the right college for me and learned I had a knack for learning.  My confidence level was at an all time high...and so was my weight.

The problem with using something like alcohol to be who you are is that...well, I really shouldn't have to spell out the rest of that sentence.  Just as hiding behind baggy clothes and insecurity didn't work in high school, neither did hiding behind pitchers of beers with my buds.  Oh it was fun and I have some great memories, but I also wasn't able to develop into the person God wanted me to be because I was allowing something else to control my security.

After college, I went through a bad marriage, but one that left me with a beautiful daughter.  I gained more weight with the baby and the marriage, and I was actually a bit disappointed when I didn't lose weight going through the divorce-- as many of my girlfriends had!!  

I then began to live my independance during that time through my food choices.  My ex-husband always had me on a diet and we were always careful what food we brought into the house.  I felt controlled and unhappy and unfortunately the negative connotations of that control spilled into my emotional thoughts around food.  When we split and I began living on my own with my daughter, I began testing the outer limits of my new found independance with food -- 

Could I eat nothing but chips and dips for dinner: sure
Was there anyone to watch me eat the cookie dough roll: nope


Besides that, any single mom probably knows as well as I do that it costs about 8 dollars and takes about 10 minutes to order dinner at McDonald's , whereas shopping, cooking and cleaning for one and a half takes much longer!! When its 6:30 and you just got home from work and there is homework to do, the decision is too easy to pick the first choice.

And so it continued, until God introduced me to the man of my dreams.

The story doesn't end with meeting the right man, getting my self confidence back and stopping the downward eating spiral.  The next step was actually meeting the right man, getting my self confidence back and realizing that I could be happy no matter what my weight -- which is true, but it also isn't.  My husband loves me no matter my size, but as my sizes went up through the blissful first years of marriage, I wasn't happy with my weight.

I got to that point, where I looked at myself in the mirror and said:

God loves me
My family loves me
I love myself
Now...its time to do something about the extra weight.

And thats where I am.

I've worked for the last three months to get insurance approval for surgery.  I've stalked the web pages of many obesity help members out there trying to get a feel for what the surgery was like and what type of things I would be in for if I made the choice.  I found out today I have approval and I'm ready to go "public" with my story.  I'm a little scared and very excited...we'll see what the next month brings!

NOTE: Its now four years since my surgery.  I have gone from 286 lbs to 149 pounds.  My life has changed completely, as expected...and unexpectedly, my life has changed completely.    As I view the notes of the woman from four years ago, I want to just cry for her.  Not because she was ready to do something about her extra weight , not because she loved God and had a sense of purpose, but because even in that moment four years ago, that girl was yearning for something to give her value. 

I want to sit down with the person above and ask her: why did it take a man to make you feel like you should start taking care of yourself? Why do you think it takes someone else to motivate you to do something for yoursef?  First the alcohol, then the man. 

Now, the person four years later knows that the "perfect" man ended up being abusive and slipping into alcoholism and pain medication addiction.  The woman back then didn't know he would steal money, give her a black eye and eventually leave her with a household of bills and a mouth full of excuses.  So why did she think that he was perfect?  Because she was looking for someone to love her when she didn't even love herself.   Its like picking up a baby bird - it loves you because it has nothing and you nurtured it...but what true love do you get in return?  As women, we turn from alcohol, to food, to men to shopping and back and forth as we seek comfort, attention and assurance.  The reality is that we can't GET that from anyone or anything.  Self love and FAITH in God and WALKING in faith are the only things that are going to soothe and eventually heal our fears and concerns.

Losing the weight did not fix my problems - it just took away one more excuse.   I'm SO glad I did it, don't get me wrong, but I want to encourage anyone who reads this to lose weight to help yourself PHYSICALLY ....don't expect it to fix your emotional issues....because they will just be enhanced once you remove the excuses!