Yeah, no. Sorry my friends, I failed.

May 30, 2014

So. I've been gone. Sorry. At first I was enjoying life, then my dad's health dropped. I moved closer to be near my dad. His Parkinson's and Dementia started winning out, and we had a very bad couple years, my mother and I. We had to put him in a home. That was when I started feeling The Hunger. I had a stressful fulltime job, my dad had fits and ended up getting violent in his first home...I let myself have treats now and then.

Then I needed them to keep going with my fulltime job.

My dad stabilized in a new home that worked well with him, and I felt free to move to Calgary and get some high-paying work. I had a great time, I was "normal" and "skinny." I dated, I even drank a bit. I got rid of all my debt working freelance on my own hours, it was great. 

I felt a great need to move back home, and did it with the wrong person. He abused me, I couldn't live under his roof without being yelled at for leaving a breadtag out in the kitchen. I couldn't have pets, I couldn't have friends. I shank into myself and became suicidal.

Then my dad got worse than before.

I started eating dried fruits to try and curb my CONSTANT NEED of snacking. 

My dad died September 2012. It was awful. I lived in the hospital for a week, never sleeping so my mom could. I got so bad that I became allergic to myself! My stress levels went so high my face puffed up like I was stung by a bee for 2 days.. Scared I would go into shock, the hospital staff sent me downstairs to Emerge... I ended up on an IV myself a floor below my dying father!

After his funeral, I still couldnt sleep.

I snacked more, I was prescribed antipsychotics. I started binge eating just to get myself to pass out.

I ended up in an altercation with the man I moved back with, and I cut my arm open a month after my dad died. I was so surprised with myself. I had really broken for the first time in my life and done it. I was hysterical as my one true friend drove me to the Emerge. I got 5 stitches and though I was told not to go back, I had to that night. I had to for myself, my strength. I needed to prove to myself I wasn't that flimsy. I slept back in the same house that night, but I moved out within a week.

Since then, I snacked out of control just to sleep and keep from having panic attacks.

I was prescribed more drugs, which made me more hungry.  Everything was out of control just treading water to keep myself from being suicidal again.

Well. I started to get better after that. I moved out of the 'emergency housing" my friend had lent me.  I moved in with another friend and started regaining control of my life. I started sleeping better without snacking, but he would constantly bring me food because I couldn't afford any. My weight steadily crept up, but I let that go because I needed less guilt in my life just to recover mentally.

Once I started to really get into the groove, I was taking laundry downstairs and I slipped.

I slid down half a basement stairwell on my feet, then landed with both ankles rolled the same way. My right ankle dislocated and broke in three places, including my fibula. I needed an ambulance, and I had surgery the next day.

 I now have 12 screws and a foot long plate all around my ankle. This was a year ago in March. I still can't walk right without proper boots on. No braces seem to work yet. 

The other month I spoke to an ankle surgeon and instead of giving me options, all he said was I have post-traumatic arthritis, my cartilage is shattered and jabbing into my bones at the joint... all he could do was shave down my bones and fuse my ankle. Well I refuse that! So I bought a new bike :D

I've recently moved with my sweet sweet boyfriend to our own apartment. I'm on Disability.

I'm primed and ready to start over now. I have missed you all!

The snacking is my problem. Because of my pain now, it's all I think about... Trying to control it with sugarfree drinks and coffee. I can't do water :(

I next need to get a hold of a scale. I tested my sister-in-law's out last week and it said I'm exactly 240 lbs again.

I decided not to feel guilty, for one thing I regained but it was over three years! Sometimes I would regain that in months. I'm still blaming myself for the snacking and carb choices I made. But in all, for my psychological standpoint, I'm easy on myself. More guilt means more snacks.

On top of my usual citalopram 60mg and Metformin, I need birth control to help me regulate my hormones. I was prescribed seroquel but only half of the smallest dose. A whole 25mg pill can knock me out for the night and the next day I am so easily exhausted. So to try and balance my lack of energy and no motivation, I was also prescribed 2mg Abilify daily.

 

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About Me
Kelowna BC, XX
Location
30.2
BMI
VSG
Surgery
08/02/2010
Surgery Date
Feb 25, 2008
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