5 months out... on October 2, 2008 10:29 pm
I am doing my monthly update. I am 5 months out today. I am down 92 lbs since the day of surgery. I am down 192 since my highest weight of 365.
How do I feel? Well, ofcourse I am absolutely happy. I feel amazing all the time. I have energy like no one's business. I out last the kids and hubby now. All very positive things. I can't complain, well except....
I can't help but to feel like I really worked extra hard for an extra long time, before surgery to accomplish, what I thought was a blessing, of the 100 lbs over 2/3 yrs. I feel like, I have earned this so completely. I really did my best. I have learned all I can and after the learning lesson I feel a bit JADED.
Yes, I used the "J" word. This is as close as I can get to the actual feeling I am feeling. If I would have known that I did not have to work as hard as I have, I would not had to suffer many concuscions from banging my head against the wall. I would had just stayed hopeful that WLS was going to make this so much more easier, or POSSIBLE for that matter.
I would not had to suffer the guilt, the thoughts, depression and all the negatives that I was facing just this time last year. But, like they say, water under the bridge. And like Binden said to Palin, the "bridge that leads to no where."
I guess I feel this way because I see people who have had WLS and they NEVER tried as hard as me. I am not saying they did not try, but I have to say, I have never seen anyone work at weight loss as hard a me, and being successful, but not achieveing my minimal expectations. I have trainer's, friends, Dr.'s, children and a husband who could only stand by and watch me go through all I went through to better my life. It was very depressing.
So now, that I am on "the otherside", to me, this is a cake walk. I really can say I appreciate and am grateful that it is this easy. So true to the point that I feel llike I was a FOOL to ever believe that I could have actually achieved my goals with out it.
So, when I see people who had wls, and they say, laughing of course, "Oh I never had to do a thing to lose my weight! " And as I talk to them mor, about 76 % of the time, the person has never really given it a "best effort" before surgery. Some how, sold on the dream that "wls is the cure". And I guess I mention this because, for me, after working my ass and heart to the ground TRING with 100% effort to loss weight, get healthy as I fight for surgery, only after I have surgery, to walk a few miles in my new shoes, discover that, yes, it is true! Yeah, that totally irritates me. But I am SO glad it is that way becuase I would be even more pissed if it did not make things easier. However, I was in the mind set that I was willing, able and prepared to work just as hard pre op, just to get the results I needed.
I just needed to say that. It was on my mind, my heart and now I feel better. OK, I am totally happy with my life, self and my mind. The world is not right, but mine looks brighter every day. I weigh today, 212lbs, -92 lbs from the surgery date, 192lbs from my heaviest. I have lost 671/2 inches. I have 50 lbs to get to 162, which is my number to throw out there, as I don't really care after I am under 200, but my body will stop where it needs, and until then it is all just a number's game. I am healthy, strong, diabetes free, and that is all I care about. So, family is good, marriage is good, and life is only getting better. Next month is my half way mark, and another round of labs... Lets see how all my hard work pays off.... I take all my vitamins everyday, I weight lift, cardio, dance, very active. So I superimpose my lifestyle.
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