24 months ago today I was nervously sitting in a strange hotel room, in a strange city waiting for my life to begin...

It's been 6 months since I posted anything.  Mostly because after awhile I found this website almost toxic, and well, I had a life to live.  By toxic, I mean I was finding it difficult to read about everyone else's success and not really having any of my own.  I found I was constantly comparing myself to others, and it was really bad for my self-esteem.  (If someone ever tells you that this surgery will solve all your problems, kick them in the ass and give them a reality check!)

So, here's where I'm at regarding the numbers:

Total lbs. lost = 139 lbs
Total inches lost = 67"
Current BMI = 24.69 which is NORMAL!
Weight 2 years ago = 292 lbs
Today's weight = 153 lbs
Starting Size = 24-28 depending on the clothes, most times it was XXXL
Today's size = 8-10, small to med

As to my mental state of mind these days?  I can't say it's worse than before, but I can't say it's better either.  I still have to deal with my self-esteem, but now it's not about my size, but my flabby, loose skin.  I don't look like a deflated balloon when I'm nude, but I do have these large heavy flaps.  They hang over my pelvic bones, and it's highly unattractive, as well as uncomfortable.  My legs aren't horrible, but I won't be wearing anything above my knees anytime soon.  My boobs are teeny, tiny and I really don't like them, but the worst part is my arms.  When I have them hanging at my sides, there is a heavy flap of skin that hangs over my elbows, and it's all wrinkly and looks like testacles.  When I lift up my arms, there is this large, heavy curtain of skin that just hangs there.  They are a constant embarrassment to me.  I hate them!!

Unfortanetly I don't see large amounts of money coming my way, so plastics just isn't an option in my near future.  Yes, I'd love new boobs, a flat belly and arms that won't kill anyone if I wave...I bet I'd lose another 10 lbs at least and possibly be under my personal goal of 150...but it's not gonna happen, and well to be honsest, it makes me downright miserable.
So, even if you lose a ton of weight, there are forever more going to be issues.  Now they're just different.

Food limitations do not bother me anymore.  I eat what I want, I'm just dang careful with portion size, and I keep a sharp eye on sugar levels.  I still read every single label before I put it in my mouth, and I am still making healthy meals at home.  But if I'm craving a pizza, I'll make a thin crust pizza and have a couple of pieces.  

As for exercise, I quit the gym for summer.  Concentrated more on cardio, and being active outside.  Dropped weight training, and also dropped 10 lbs in the process.  10 lbs of hard earned muscle is gone, but hey, I got to a normal BMI...Back to the gym in October however.  

It's not all negative however.  I managed to work at my job full time as usual, but also managed to work at home 24/7 for almost 3 months before I felt the burn out.  From May to August, we didn't have 1 single day that wasn't filled with extra dogs in our home.  Being a dogsitter isn't an all consuming physical job, but it does take it's toll.  Would have never been able to do that before.

I can ride my bike for miles, and feel no pain.  I can walk and walk and not feel fatigued.  I can go downstairs, grab the laundry, run up the stairs and not be out of breath.  Healthwise, I am extremely pleased with my progress.  

I've done things in the past 2 years that I only dreamt of doing as an adult.  Zip-lining, rides at the amusement park, sitting in a booth comfortably, crossing my legs and best of all, SKY DIVING!!!

It's been a bumpy ride, but I don't regret doing it.  I still view it as having done the best thing in my life for myself.  

Hopefully, it won't be 6 months until I post again.  I'm not sure if anyone else ever reads my blogs, but it sure was interesting to see where I was 6 months ago!

Until next time...

I hit the BIG 18 month Surgiversary today.

Hmpf.

Ya know, I dreaded this day and I looked forward to it.  On the one hand, everyone says "That's it!  Your 'magic' time is over and it's all uphill from here!"
And I'm also told "If you have any side-effects, they should start to straighten out at this point."

Ok, well the last 3 months or so have been not so magical.  The weight loss has sorta screeched to a grinding halt.  I have to fight cravings every single day, and some days those darn cravings win.
I've been working my ass off at the gym, or I was until last week when my mood swing went WTF?  I don't wanna go to the gym  (pout, pout)
Today I will start again and forget last week.  It's done, it's over.  Can't wait until MB stops being the frozen Tundra and I can start walking outside without breaking any body parts.  

I'm down exactly 131 lbs. today and am sitting at a neat 161 lbs.  My lowest weight to date yet.  However, will not celebrate this little fact because if the last 3 months are any indication, I will be back to 165 next week.  It sucks!  But I will not give up.  I made my first goal of 165 and would love to hit my second goal of 150 by the time I'm 2 years out.

Only time and my will power will tell...

 Anyone who knows me, knows that I was born a fish.  I love the water!!  So when my DH told me that we were headed to Kenora with his band for the weekend, I jumped at it knowing there was a great pool and some fun for the kidlets.
Well, I went to put on the bathing suit that I wore all summer, and the dang shorts were so big they almost fell right off!!  Not to mention the top was HUGE.  ACK!!  Where in the heck did my boobs go???
I felt like I've been the same size for so long that the suit would fit just fine.  Boy was I wrong!!  And it's kinda freakin' awesome, lol.
Having a WOW moment at 16 months post-op feels pretty darn good, but now I have to go bathing suit shopping.  Ugh.
I guess there are worse problems to have

 Today I'm 40...

My goal was to be a healthy, "happy" 40 year old.  I think for the most part I'm healthy.  I go to the gym, eat what I should, eat things I shouldn't and for the most part, my life is back to 'normal'.

But am I happy?  I love being small...well at least 129 lbs. smaller than I was, but will I ever be satisfied?  I'd like to lose another 15 lbs., but I have been stuck in the 163 - 166 range forever, and it seems as though this just might be it for me.  That makes me a little sad and a lot feeling guilty.  I'm not 300 lbs anymore and I should be damn grateful for this fact, but it just seems that I wish I could go just a little bit farther...

I am exhausted all the time.  My mood swings are hell on me, my family and those around me.  I have no idea what to do to even them out.  I hate being melancholy all the time...I want to be ecstatic that I got this far, and yet for some reason I can't be.

All my levels are right on, I'm not lacking in anything but energy and happiness.  Ugh.

This tool we were given certainly doesn't solve all our issues and I never had the illusion that it did.  Being thin isn't the magic pill for happiness, I realize that.  I'm not exactly miserable either, just so darn tired all the time...If I could sleep the days away...

Sorry, I think I drifted off there for a bit...

Today I'm 40...

 Today is one of those days where just about everything pisses me off.  And I do mean everything.  There's a possibility I'm PMS'ing, but I wouldn't know since my period has been completely all over the place since my surgery.  It's slowly working itself out, but it's still crazy.  (Menopause?  Where are you??)

I've had some pretty serious anger issues since the surgery.  I'm blaming hormonal upheaval from rapid weight loss.  

There was even a post on the main board here at OH from someone I deeply respect, and it pissed me off.  I try to stay off the main board these days.  Newbies with their sunshine and light and vets complaining about everything and how the surgery is pure evil.  SIGH.  

Yes, I have life changing issues from the surgery.  I deal with them every single day.  Will I be dealing with them 5 years from now?  Most likely.  Will I experience the dreaded weight gain?  Most likely.  But I can't blame that on anyone but myself.  And at 15 months post op, I make sure I look at pics of myself from 2 years ago and that's incentive enough to keep my tool working.
I was never one of those newbies that spouted sunshine and light.  I always tell it like it is.  I'm that way with everything.  
The post kinda lumped all the newbies together and made them sound like they were too unintelligent to know what they were getting into.  I find that insulting.

My little rural community that I live in, play in and work in was not big into information when it came to Gastric Surgeries.  The old adage was if you lost a lot of weight fast, and then managed to regain all of it and more, you must have had your stomach stapled.  Fail.

So when I started researching what options were out there for me, there wasn't a lot to go on.  I didn't know about this website, and I only knew that the Lapband was performed in MB but to the tune of $18,000.00, yikes.  I can afford to be fat...
Then I saw a friend whom I hadn't seen in a very long time and she looked fabulous!  I sat her down and we had many long talks and she told me the good, the bad and the downright ugly.  She didn't hold anything back.  So I considered myself educated...

My friend has had some serious complications.  And she's had some regain, which might be why she's currently avoiding me.  However, I do not regret my decision.  How could I?  I RUN up and down my stairs at home now when I do the laundry.  I used to have to crawl up the stairs because my knees hurt so incredibly bad.  There were days the laundry just didn't get done because the pain was just too much.

Time will only tell what kind of complications will occur due to my RNY, but wouldn't the co-morbidities from being obese be a lot worse?  Heart failure, strokes, arthritis...etc.