Weight 186

Out living life of course!!  Adjusting to single life seems to be suiting me, although being alone took a bit to get used to.

Tim remains amicable and generous.  As a matter of fact, he and I are often seen together which confuses people immensely.  It's hard to tell old friends we encounter that we are in fact getting divorced but still friends.  Apparently, this is quite uncommon. The most beautiful part is that we get to go to separate homes at the end of the day.

The divorce is moving slowly, at my discretion.  We decided that neither of us is in a great hurry to be officially divorced.  This benefits me in that I get to keep health insurance benefits until all is said and done.

We are sharing custody of the girls who seem to be adjusting well as far as I can tell.

I started dating a great guy almost 6 months ago.  He decided to have weight loss surgery, not because of me, but because he wanted to change his life.  When he came to me, I told him he needed to do his own research and make that decision on his own.  So, last week he became a member of the weight loss surgery group.

Our relationship seemed to get serious despite my warnings.  I was afraid I was going to break his heart so I took things one day at a time.  We both fell head over heals for each other and honestly, I never dreamed I would let my feelings get so intense.  Over the months, things started to feel like we were married.  We decided because we live an hour apart, that we should slow things down.  Neither of us wants to be married again, but would rather like to enjoy each other's company.  We are now happily dating and remain hopeful that two people can be a little more than "great friends".

Another new love has crept into my life as well.  I am now bicycling 125 miles a week.  I went out to get in my car to walk one day and saw the bike sitting there.  I thought, "What the heck?" and threw it in the car only to ride 21 miles on my first  trip.  Our city has an amazing river trail that is one of the most beautiful in the U.S.  I don't have to worry about getting hit on the road by a car.

The end of the River Trail.

My weight is still fluctuating about 5 pounds up and down.  I decided to accept my accomplishements and continue being as active as possible.  My new life is a work in progress but I wouldn't change a minute of my past.  It's made me who I am today.


(I'm working here, lol.  I'm reading Sign Builder's Illustrated).

Weight 185

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Weight 185

I'm not gonna lie when I tell you how bad I feel about abandoning this blog. Many of you know of my trials and tribulations. I'll give you the brief overview.

Over three years ago, Mr. Sign and I decided that we needed to work harder on our marriage. I wasn't happy, mostly with myself. My weight had gotten the better of me. So, we decided to have weight loss surgery together. This brought us together for a time.

Last Spring I started thinking about turning 40 and the fact that I had spent more than half of my life with one person and where did my life go. So, I did a lot of soul searching. In my quest, I realized that I needed to spread my wings and go forth with the life that my weight had compressed. I decided that I wasn't going to settle for being just "ok".

Don't get me wrong, I have led a very charmed life. Mr. Sign has been more than supportive of me for our entire relationship (21 years, 19 of them married). However, I realized that he wasn't entirely happy either.

So, I told him to go find what made him happy. I believed that in letting him go, things would be easy for me. I thought I wouldn't have feelings because feelings are messy and I don't like letting them show. And, things were easy at first. I was doing my thing and he was doing his. We decided to continue to do our own thing but to stay married for the girls' sakes.

This only worked for a few months when we both realized that it was too hard to go this route for everyone. Mr. Sign moved into an apartment that was closer to his job. It was an hour away from me and the girls. We decided that on weekends we would switch residences so that he could be with the girls and we wouldn't have to see each other. This worked well.

A few months later, we decided that we needed to formally separate. We hadn't told anyone that we had been separated since June. Again, I assumed that this task would be easy because I didn't want to allow my feelings to be involved.

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were telling our families that we were divorcing. That was interesting. My mom wanted me to wait to tell my grandma until after the holidays. When I called to tell her, she barraged me with questions about why we couldn't make things work and what our problems were. She gave no regard to my feelings and how I was dealing with all of this. Her concerns were about our family not being "perfect" anymore.

I should tell you that most people assume that the demise of my marriage was based on the weight loss. This would only partly be true. It's a fact that losing the fat gave me the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and know that I could try and do things on my own. I would have never even tried to go it alone at 384 pounds. The world is just too cruel to fat chicks. I remained comfy and cozy within my fat walls.

No, this mostly had to do with the fact that I had decided that I had loved the one I was with long enough. In the process of my self discovery, I encouraged Mr. Sign to find out what made him happy, knowing full well what that was. All I'm going to say about that is that he decided to chose and alternative lifestyle and I want nothing but happiness for him.

In the midst of all of this turmoil, I became ill and was diagnosed with something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I was reeling from this news, two days later, Mr. Sign lost his job, including all health care benefits.

I was beyond myself and felt so completely alone. I have never been alone for more than a day in my entire life. I can only say that I was as low as I've ever been to the point of almost not being able to function. I got through my day and spent the evenings and nights just sobbing alone in my bedroom. I had been seeing a counselor but could no longer do so without insurance. Great timing, huh?

Somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I wanted to blog, but as a great friend and fellow blogger said, "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on".

So, we had my measly income, two residences, double bills for everything and no way to pay for it. We spent much time together while he looked for a job. He wanted to spend as much time with the girls as he could. This was hard on us both. We had a hard time being around each other as it made things seem like old times. We finally came to the conclusion that we really needed to be apart for both our sakes. I should mention that most of this happened after our trip to Las Vegas, so basically just after the first of the year.

Mr. Sign finally got a job that is actually better paying so we were able to file the paperwork for the divorce. Since everything is amicable, the lawyer will file a motion of hardship which will push our divorce through in 60 days instead of 180.

Imagine that I was thrown literally into the dating world by a friend with good intentions. She decided that I needed to get out there and play the field. I haven't dated in over 20 years. My, how times have changed.

To sum things up, I'm stress eating, lonely, poor and confused, but I'm alive and kicking. I am ready to face the new big bad world on my own, but still have my moments of self doubt.

 

Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:

Weight 181

I thought I would update on a few things that have been happening lately.

First, Tim and I had our 2 year weight loss surgery doctor appointments. Tim is still holding steady having lost all of his weight (136 pounds) in the first 6 months. He would like to lose another 25 pounds and plans on doing that. His biggest downfall is that he doesn't keep track of what he eats.

The physician's assistant high fived me when he saw my weight loss. He said that he could tell that I kept track of everything. He was strangely amazed at my progress (a loss of 205 pounds). He said that most people show a gain in the second year after WLS. I'm so happy not to be a statistic. My blood work came back excellent. The only issue I have is that he diagnosed me with Raynaud's Syndrome. This is something I will have to watch closely since I work outside in the winter. This was not a side effect of the surgery.

As most of you know, I have been on a mission to exercise and become more healthy as well as continuing to lose weight. Yesterday I was asked to be interviewed for Heathly and Fit Magazine as a success story. I will be featured in the January issue. (I also had my picture and a quote in Obesity Help magazine, but still have not received a copy.) It's kind of bizarre that people want to hear my story, but I'm very excited to share it. I want to focus on the support group that I head up and the fact that I'm trying hard to motivate everyone to get active.

This brings up the fact that I have become the person that made me want to scream when it comes to exercise. I hated people that talked about the high they got from exercise. I wanted to wring their necks when they jumped around with all their extra energy that they had gained due to exercise. Those people made me feel terrible about myself since I wasn't doing anything to better myself. I hope that I will be able to show people that you can turn your life around and feel better about yourself.

I'm walking 5-8 miles a day, 5 days a week and working out at Curves 3 days a week.  I feel more energetic than I did when I was a teen. 

I went shopping last weekend and found some jeans.  I found myself reaching for the biggest pair.  Of course they were huge.  I held all different size up and low and behold the size 10's fit me!  They are obviously running large, but I was so excited that I bought 2 pairs.  My jeans were a size 36W when I started this journey. 

I still can't fathom that I'm the size I am.  When I look at myself every morning in the shower, I only see the hanging skin.  It distorts the view I have of myself. I wonder when my brain will accept that I'm not 384 pounds?