I have to say I have been the passenger on life's largest roller coaster these past weeks... getting over the bad break, being just friends, appreciating myself, going back to school, having realistic goals and plans achieved and set and even just accepting change.

I believe that to get over T, I just wanted to hop onto the next train. I know now I went along the wrong route. Being relatively alone since the 8th (house sitting) I have had lots of time to look back on the past and evaluate the whys, hows, what ifs, etc. Now I know it wasn't right from the beginning. I know that now. I am completely ok. I am thankful he came into my life when he did and introduced me to everything and every part of who I am today. Do I regret anything, absolutely not. I'm just thankful. I hope he has a fruitful life like the one I will have.

The just friends... I believe my intense adoration for my dear friend was a rebound like issue. I developed this high while being with him... almost like it was dangerous, excitement I had never experienced before. With him I could do anything and still be awesome. I know- that makes no sense at all lol. It makes sense to me, though. I am glad he slowed it all down... I myself would have probably done something like that... but when, I don't know. The high itself was enough to burn out on eventually. So my dear friend is a bubbly work-o-holic who will fall insanely into love some day, I'm sure :)

Now Me.

My head has been rolled around in eighty different directions over the past nineteen months (give or take a few). Going from 400 pounds to 200 in that short time frame can do that. Early on in my journey I was so excited about the loss. I was cold all the time, I couldn't eat everything on the plate, I was getting compliments... life was great. 

Then the greatness began to fade. I was left with skin that reminded me of the not so wonderful times. Seeing myself in the mirror was painful. The compliments still kept coming... but the loss slowed and soon stopped. I began to pull away from everyone again... anyone remember this in high school? Ya... thought you might. I just went deep deep deep... began eating crap again and thinking bad things. Luckily I didn't get super deep like before WLS.

I began looking at plastic surgery January of this year. I know I wantd it and needed it, but geeze how was I going to pay for it? Two consults in January resulted in denials... either I wasn't at goal or the doc was just money hungry. At the time I was 212ish. My goal is to one day be at 175... but with Xamount of skin on my body, how do I get that goal? ya know? No real support rom the homefront, so the eating continued. I actually ballooned back up to 229 in roughly 5 months... ya, scary! That scared the shit out of me and I got back on track... my consult with Dr. Burnett in Fresno, I was 220ish and feeling better. June 21st I had my Tummy Tuck and weighed in at 219. Doc removed 12 pounds 13 ounces of skin and fat... WOW! So I was automatically down in weight- yippeee! But I didn't like the results. I loved that I no longer had the "front butt" I affectionally caressed each morning... but I wasn't smooth on the sides, I was bulbous, and I felt like crap :( I guess this is the time T decided I was ungrateful... well I was! I didn't look at the positive like I usually do. I just wanted to be perfect. I knew about the swelling, I knew I didn't give alot to the doc to work with and he did his best but, damnit... I wans't happy. I couldn't even fit into the clothes I was wearing at 229 pounds!

It has been nine weeks- today actually- since my tummy tuck and I have got say I am feeling wonderful! Yes, I am still conscious about the side issues I see... but that's me... I have to accept it one way or another. The compliments are coming back, my glow has returned and from what some say my smile is bigger than ever. I have never in my life been this happy. I can move, I can bend, I can run. Yes, run! I ran.. officially ran from the pavillion at Merced College to Petunia on Tuesday and felt like crying. I haven't run in over 5 years lol. It was liberating... I think I'll take up jogging. I am no longer afraid of people's reactions towards me when I do something stupid/abnormal/exciting in public. I am me and I'm going to dance to the cool song playing overhead in Taco Bell or flirt over the head set to my Jack in the Box customers. Yes... I've started the flirting ha ha ha!

"Hey baby, want some fries with the Jumbo Jack?" LMAO!

I need to go shopping. According to Patty- my Jack gal- I need new clothes lol. Anyone wanna join me?

How have I done all this soul searching and self acceptance you ask. Simple... wonderful friends and me forcing myself to change/improve. Laci, Chelsey, Rob, and everyone at Jack... you've completely improved me! You've seen me for me and pushed me to accept it. Because of you, I have let ME out and it's sooooo your fault he he.

I am back at school now. Classes every day and already smokin! My english teachers are intense men who think cussing rules and censorship sucks. I'm getting used to the open language... but still its pretty neat to be taught something by guys who didn't graduate high school (long story). My music teacher loves me he he. He's from Finland and is impressed that I'm a chick and can play the tuba! GO TUBA! I have him for History of Classical Music and Concert Band. I also joined Jazz Band and am playing trombone with John Albano... he actually has a CD! As far as performing... I am addicted. I LOVE it... and can't wait for my first concert- everyone better be there with posters in glitter saying "We <3 Jaci!" LOL That would be totally awesome. I am also on the college livestock show team. I have missed showing ever since I stopped school to veg. I am finally back and going to kick major ass in October at the Fresno Fair. I have two dairy heifers, 2 market lambs and probably a steer since my advisor is forcing me to at leat work with one in class. Gag me! lol Oh well, I'll rock it if I have to :)

Now what to wear?