Just as I suspected....I did NOT gain 10lbs in 6 days!
*whew*

I think I will totally discount my weigh-in in Toronto. If I go by my numbers last night, I figure I lost 2 lbs last week and another 2lbs this week. Either way, I am down 4lbs over 2 weeks! I am very happy with a 2lb loss :)

Interesting discovery: little to no bread plus LOTS of water seems to be the key to weight loss for me.

Stupid scale. I am scale obsessed.

I succumbed to the evil temptation of the scale this morning at the gym, AGAIN!!! Even after yesterday's near-breakdown....there is something seriously wrong with me...

BUT....

if you discount last week's weigh-in in a different city on a different scale at a different time of the day.....it looks like I still managed to lose....probably more accurately than what last week's number said too. I probably lost something like 2 lbs last week and another 2 lbs this week....much more realistic than losing 6.5lbs last week and gaining 10lbs this week.

*fingers crossed*

If you read about someone going off the deep end at a Weight Watchers meeting in tomorrow morning's paper.....it might have been me ;)

Off I go! Wish me luck!

I am an obsessive weigher. I weigh myself at the gym nearly every day. I dont know why I do it because its like masochism....and I only do it if there is nobody in the change room at the time either. Its not like they can see the number but still...

So I weighed myself this morning....and apparently I have gained 10lbs since Thursday.

Ok, I know that its IMPOSSIBLE!!! Even with my mini-binge on Saturday, there is no way that I gained 10lbs in 6 days. Seriously? Is that possible?? That IS impossible, right???

"Normal" people dont gain 10lbs in a whole year....let alone less than a week.

*sigh*

I know with my head that it is impossible. I was weighed on a different scale in Toronto last week so I am going to say that is the reason. I should have known that losing 6.5lbs in a week was ridiculous :(
But my head and my heart can never agree. My heart feels awful. Soooo dissappointed :(

I guess I will just have to wait until tomorrow night to find out for real what the damage is. It is very frustrating though. I was hoping to get a good 6 months out of my weight loss program before I started gaining. I was hoping to go right up until I started Optifast before my surgery.....

So disheartening. I was trying to be so positive which was making it easier to be patient while waiting. As long as I am losing, I dont really care how much.....as long as it isnt a gain. But come on!!!!! TEN POUNDS??????

Just trying to keep those old feelings of complete and utter failure at bay for a while until I get on my regular scale tomorrow night but still....its so hard.

I just want to cry :(

My life pre-op is trying to figure a few things out to give myself the best chance for success post-op. I made an interesting discovery today...

soooo.....my personal chef is away for the weekend. I have been away eating out of pre-packed cooler items (which I thought was particularly clever of me) for 3 days prior to my chef leaving me for a dart tournament in Syracuse! (how rude!)

It is just me and 2 of the 5 kids tonight so I decided to have a "left overs" night where they can pick whatever they want, or have 'breakfast for supper'. I had offered quiche but neither one wanted any so they chose pancakes. Easey peasey.....but I wont eat them. At least thats what I convinced myself of.....

If I were to recap my day today, I could say that I had a very bad eating day. We went to the movies and I got a nacho thing instead of popcorn, which was supposed to have salsa but the guy made a mistake and gave me cheese. Did I send it back?? No!! I ate it!!
Then felt horrible guilt and shame afterwards!!! Which made me want to eat more.....I wanted to stop at the Timmies drive through for donuts "for the kids" but knew damned well that I would eat some if not most of them  if I did so I just drove right by....then felt even more guilty for not being able to give them a treat just because I couldnt control myself....(see the crazy was starting at this point)

So I get home, and I am hungry so I make the kids their dinner....thinking the whole time, I cant eat pancakes....too many carbs and too much sugar-no protein to fill me up. But mindlessly as I am cooking, I grab a tea biscuit and munch on it....having no idea what to make for myself yet.

I grab a pita bread and some hummus and start eating that telling myself its good because there is protein in hummus.
Uh huh....

There is some left over roast in the fridge.....but I dont really cook for myself. It seems a waste of dishes really....to cook up a whole meal just for me when its easier, less messy and faster to just grab something....maybe I dont consider myself "worthy" of the time/effort/energy it would take......

NO!!!!

I said NO dammit!! I am WORTH dirtying ONE frying pan for pete's sakes!! (see? more of the crazy now...)

I threw the rest of my pita right into the garbage immediately and put the hummus back in the fridge. I grabbed a bag of fresh pre-washed and cut broccoli and cauliflower and threw it in the microwave to steam in its bag. Then, I sliced the rest of the roast up very thin (was only 3oz left) and thew it in a pan with some EVOO and garlic and doused it with spicy chili sauce. When the veggies were done I tossed it all in a bowl. Presto!! Instant HEALTHY supper in less than 5 minutes. and I only dirtied one pan.....which was actually the same pan I had made the pancakes in anyways!!

Then I made myself a pot of tea.

This may not sound like anything to write home about (pardon the pun) but that was a huge victory for me tonight. I stopped myself mid-binge. I was hell bent for leather in a full blown carb binge.....I probably would have eaten the rest of the pita and at least one more....tea biscuits if were any left and then started in on whatever else is there in 'baked good' form......but I didnt.

I was able to stop myself before getting "too" far out of control.....but I wonder how it started? I knew when I was eating the tea biscuit that I was starting into a downward spiral....but I couldnt stop it then. Did I let myself get too hungry? Was it lack of routine and the chaos of the last few days of travel that put me out of whack? Is the fact that Himself is gone away and I dont really ever cook anymore-maybe I was feeling lost? Abandoned even?  Was it simply because I really had no "plan" for supper?  Maybe a combination of a few of these or maybe none....the point is....I am very proud of myself for being able to stop it all....and especially before I hit the sweets. Luckily there really arent any in the house but I am sure I could have found something....likely toast with butter and cinnamon sugar.....you know its a bad day when THAT comes out :)

I really thought I was doing remarkably well this week actually, all things considered. I would like to be able to pinpoint where the trouble today started :( i think it may have started with a granola bar-one of those "Sweet & Salty" kinds....once that sweet carby goodness hit my tongue, it was like a drug! An addict in rehab getting a taste of his drug of choice....on an all day bender.
I come from a long line of alcoholics......adddicts of a sort. I always said I wouldnt let my childhood and the things my parents did affect me as an adult because I am old enough to make my own choices and live my own life. Perhaps I lied.

More tea is in order I think....and I need to ponder on how exactly the crazy began today. I suppose if I can figure that out, will I be "cured"?  :)
...if there is such a thing....

I will be in Toronto for a few days and I have been trying to think of everything I will need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle while I’m there. I don’t want to eat out for every meal for 3 days and I am looking online for a gym close by to go to while I’m there too…..thinking about all this makes me really think about some of the things that I normally take for granted that I wont be able to after surgery. Like the eating out thing for example. I suppose if money were not an issue, I wouldn’t have to worry about it so much, but I am really trying to save money on this trip. Jeremy gets calls for photo shoots at the last minute sometimes and It’s a bit of an expense to have to take him all over the place when he doesn’t get paid every time. Thankfully, this is a paying gig so it’s a bit better. When he *does* get paid, he gets paid very well…..but that doesn’t mean we get to live like Kings yet!!! When he is a big superstar, then we can stay at the big fancy places and I wont have to worry about bringing my own groceries with me!!   So, what am I gonna do all day while he is at his shoot?? I have no idea yet!!! I am not really used to having so much “free time”. It will surely be interesting!   Wish me luck!