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Just as I suspected....I did NOT gain 10lbs in 6 days!
*whew*

I think I will totally discount my weigh-in in Toronto. If I go by my numbers last night, I figure I lost 2 lbs last week and another 2lbs this week. Either way, I am down 4lbs over 2 weeks! I am very happy with a 2lb loss :)

Interesting discovery: little to no bread plus LOTS of water seems to be the key to weight loss for me.

Stupid scale. I am scale obsessed.

I succumbed to the evil temptation of the scale this morning at the gym, AGAIN!!! Even after yesterday's near-breakdown....there is something seriously wrong with me...

BUT....

if you discount last week's weigh-in in a different city on a different scale at a different time of the day.....it looks like I still managed to lose....probably more accurately than what last week's number said too. I probably lost something like 2 lbs last week and another 2 lbs this week....much more realistic than losing 6.5lbs last week and gaining 10lbs this week.

*fingers crossed*

If you read about someone going off the deep end at a Weight Watchers meeting in tomorrow morning's paper.....it might have been me ;)

Off I go! Wish me luck!

I am an obsessive weigher. I weigh myself at the gym nearly every day. I dont know why I do it because its like masochism....and I only do it if there is nobody in the change room at the time either. Its not like they can see the number but still...

So I weighed myself this morning....and apparently I have gained 10lbs since Thursday.

Ok, I know that its IMPOSSIBLE!!! Even with my mini-binge on Saturday, there is no way that I gained 10lbs in 6 days. Seriously? Is that possible?? That IS impossible, right???

"Normal" people dont gain 10lbs in a whole year....let alone less than a week.

*sigh*

I know with my head that it is impossible. I was weighed on a different scale in Toronto last week so I am going to say that is the reason. I should have known that losing 6.5lbs in a week was ridiculous :(
But my head and my heart can never agree. My heart feels awful. Soooo dissappointed :(

I guess I will just have to wait until tomorrow night to find out for real what the damage is. It is very frustrating though. I was hoping to get a good 6 months out of my weight loss program before I started gaining. I was hoping to go right up until I started Optifast before my surgery.....

So disheartening. I was trying to be so positive which was making it easier to be patient while waiting. As long as I am losing, I dont really care how much.....as long as it isnt a gain. But come on!!!!! TEN POUNDS??????

Just trying to keep those old feelings of complete and utter failure at bay for a while until I get on my regular scale tomorrow night but still....its so hard.

I just want to cry :(

My life pre-op is trying to figure a few things out to give myself the best chance for success post-op. I made an interesting discovery today...

soooo.....my personal chef is away for the weekend. I have been away eating out of pre-packed cooler items (which I thought was particularly clever of me) for 3 days prior to my chef leaving me for a dart tournament in Syracuse! (how rude!)

It is just me and 2 of the 5 kids tonight so I decided to have a "left overs" night where they can pick whatever they want, or have 'breakfast for supper'. I had offered quiche but neither one wanted any so they chose pancakes. Easey peasey.....but I wont eat them. At least thats what I convinced myself of.....

If I were to recap my day today, I could say that I had a very bad eating day. We went to the movies and I got a nacho thing instead of popcorn, which was supposed to have salsa but the guy made a mistake and gave me cheese. Did I send it back?? No!! I ate it!!
Then felt horrible guilt and shame afterwards!!! Which made me want to eat more.....I wanted to stop at the Timmies drive through for donuts "for the kids" but knew damned well that I would eat some if not most of them  if I did so I just drove right by....then felt even more guilty for not being able to give them a treat just because I couldnt control myself....(see the crazy was starting at this point)

So I get home, and I am hungry so I make the kids their dinner....thinking the whole time, I cant eat pancakes....too many carbs and too much sugar-no protein to fill me up. But mindlessly as I am cooking, I grab a tea biscuit and munch on it....having no idea what to make for myself yet.

I grab a pita bread and some hummus and start eating that telling myself its good because there is protein in hummus.
Uh huh....

There is some left over roast in the fridge.....but I dont really cook for myself. It seems a waste of dishes really....to cook up a whole meal just for me when its easier, less messy and faster to just grab something....maybe I dont consider myself "worthy" of the time/effort/energy it would take......

NO!!!!

I said NO dammit!! I am WORTH dirtying ONE frying pan for pete's sakes!! (see? more of the crazy now...)

I threw the rest of my pita right into the garbage immediately and put the hummus back in the fridge. I grabbed a bag of fresh pre-washed and cut broccoli and cauliflower and threw it in the microwave to steam in its bag. Then, I sliced the rest of the roast up very thin (was only 3oz left) and thew it in a pan with some EVOO and garlic and doused it with spicy chili sauce. When the veggies were done I tossed it all in a bowl. Presto!! Instant HEALTHY supper in less than 5 minutes. and I only dirtied one pan.....which was actually the same pan I had made the pancakes in anyways!!

Then I made myself a pot of tea.

This may not sound like anything to write home about (pardon the pun) but that was a huge victory for me tonight. I stopped myself mid-binge. I was hell bent for leather in a full blown carb binge.....I probably would have eaten the rest of the pita and at least one more....tea biscuits if were any left and then started in on whatever else is there in 'baked good' form......but I didnt.

I was able to stop myself before getting "too" far out of control.....but I wonder how it started? I knew when I was eating the tea biscuit that I was starting into a downward spiral....but I couldnt stop it then. Did I let myself get too hungry? Was it lack of routine and the chaos of the last few days of travel that put me out of whack? Is the fact that Himself is gone away and I dont really ever cook anymore-maybe I was feeling lost? Abandoned even?  Was it simply because I really had no "plan" for supper?  Maybe a combination of a few of these or maybe none....the point is....I am very proud of myself for being able to stop it all....and especially before I hit the sweets. Luckily there really arent any in the house but I am sure I could have found something....likely toast with butter and cinnamon sugar.....you know its a bad day when THAT comes out :)

I really thought I was doing remarkably well this week actually, all things considered. I would like to be able to pinpoint where the trouble today started :( i think it may have started with a granola bar-one of those "Sweet & Salty" kinds....once that sweet carby goodness hit my tongue, it was like a drug! An addict in rehab getting a taste of his drug of choice....on an all day bender.
I come from a long line of alcoholics......adddicts of a sort. I always said I wouldnt let my childhood and the things my parents did affect me as an adult because I am old enough to make my own choices and live my own life. Perhaps I lied.

More tea is in order I think....and I need to ponder on how exactly the crazy began today. I suppose if I can figure that out, will I be "cured"?  :)
...if there is such a thing....

I will be in Toronto for a few days and I have been trying to think of everything I will need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle while I’m there. I don’t want to eat out for every meal for 3 days and I am looking online for a gym close by to go to while I’m there too…..thinking about all this makes me really think about some of the things that I normally take for granted that I wont be able to after surgery. Like the eating out thing for example. I suppose if money were not an issue, I wouldn’t have to worry about it so much, but I am really trying to save money on this trip. Jeremy gets calls for photo shoots at the last minute sometimes and It’s a bit of an expense to have to take him all over the place when he doesn’t get paid every time. Thankfully, this is a paying gig so it’s a bit better. When he *does* get paid, he gets paid very well…..but that doesn’t mean we get to live like Kings yet!!! When he is a big superstar, then we can stay at the big fancy places and I wont have to worry about bringing my own groceries with me!!   So, what am I gonna do all day while he is at his shoot?? I have no idea yet!!! I am not really used to having so much “free time”. It will surely be interesting!   Wish me luck!

I DID NOT GAIN!!!!

Wooot!!

*happy dance*

ok I didn't lose either but hooray!!!!!....I didn't gain!
Its a miracle.

So I went to the gym this morning and did 14.3 miles on the bike....yay me!!

Thursday's the day!

Friday night, my honey took me and my gfs out for dinner at the Seafood Buffet at the Casino. We each got a free lobster. I gave my garlic butter away before I even looked at it!! I did eat the lobster though....very very very yummy!!

At the buffet, I got myself a plate of vegetable munchies and olives, pickled onions, etc. We sat and chatted a bit and then everyone went up for the "actual" food.....I took a whole lot of vegetables, 2 halves of a roasted potato and a piece of Basa fish. For dessert I had a small bowl of chocolate mousse.

I WAS STUFFED......for the next 2 days!!!
So that was Day 1 of the "Last Birthday Ever 3 Day Event"

Saturday, my son was home from college so we had planned to have a big dinner with cake for dessert; candles and singing and the whole bit. Well....I had to go into town with my other son in the morning as he had an audition, and when I got home.....
My husband had bought a used 60" flatscreen rear projection TV for the boys to use downstairs in the Game Dungeon...and lo and behold it would not fit down the stairs....
so when I walked in the door, there was a TV wedged in the stairs and he was tearing a hole in the wall...to take part of the ceiling out so he could get it down.
You might be a redneck if you have ever had to demolish part of your house to fit a TV .....

*sigh*

We had planned to take the wall out anyways but still....we hadnt planned to do it anytime soon!! What a mess!!!
By the time that was all cleaned up and the TV was downstairs, we ended up just making burgers.

Which were AWESOME!!!! That will be the thing I will miss most I think. Home made burgers on the BBQ in the summer - especially when we're camping. I think PC makes those little sliders though and thins buns to go with them so I might be saved after all :)

Then we had cake and it was phenomenal. Black Forest. YUM!

Then on my ACTUAL birthday, my 7 yr old daughter made me a cake. My honey tried to help her make it more "healthy" by adding fat free pudding in the middle instead of icing, and then a layer of banana slices....only icing on the outside.
Uh huh....nice try honey. I think maybe the Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with fudge brownie chunks ice cream canceled out anything healthy you tried to do to it...but it was a nice thought!
It was tasty....but definitely the kind of tasty that only moms of 7yr old girls who bake them a cake for their birthday like...lol

So.....I have been to the gym and had a couple of really great workouts with the Wii Fit Plus at home too....drank 12 gallons of water a day it seems....so we'll see what the scale says tonight about my birthday fiasco! Dietus-Interruptus!!

LOL!!
That's ok if I dont lose this week though. At least I will know exactly why and after all....it *was* my last birthday ever!!! :)

I lost 3.5 lbs last week to start with....I dont expect to lose any this week though....it seems this has turned into my birthday "week" rather than just one day! LOL!!
Good thing too, since its going to be my last one EVER!!!! 39....thats it for me!!!

My honey gave me the best birthday gift EVER!
He said he is going to try to lose weight too!!!

Wait...it gets better....

He said that if he can lose 50lbs, he thinks he will feel comfortable enough to attempt to quit smoking too!!!
I am so impressed!!

However....now...the gentle and awkward task of finding a scale big enough to weigh him. The one at home only goes to 300lbs. I think maybe thats why he still thinks he only weights 300lbs....when the reality is that he is probably closer to 350

I know for myself, that stepping on the scale can be a daunting event, so I cant imagine how hard it must be to have to first FIND a scale that is big enough to weigh you. I feel for my poor honey...my heart goes out to him because I know that part of him is doing this as a support to me.....although I think a larger part of him is relieved to be able to just "say" that he is doing it for me when he really knows he should have done it years ago. Its almost like I gave him the reason he needed to convince himself that it is important.

Sometimes I think that men are worse than women when it comes to having "issues" LOL

So, this morning in the mirror, I took an extra long time scrutinizing my face very carefully and impartially....I checked very carefull and thankfully....could not find ONE SINGLE WRINKLE!!!

The fat plumps them out ;)

Gray hair on the other hand.....well thats another story

Happy Birthday to me! This is going to be the best year of my life....and my NEW one begins at 40 :)

I have my second week weigh-in tonight!   I pulled out all the stops…I dug out the lightest pair of pants I could find….which mind you, makes walking outside PRETTY chilly when its minus 20 out!!   While I was showering at the gym the other day, it briefly occurred to me that I could POTENTIALLY lose enough weight between now and surgery that I wouldn’t qualify anymore. I looked it up….you have to have a BMI more than 35, correct? Well….if I lose 43 lbs between now and surgery, then I will be below 35. Barely…but still. What will happen then?? I am pretty sure I am being overly optimistic seeing as how I lost 6.5lbs the first week. It will likely slow down to a crawl very shortly and then very likely stop altogether....but....there is that little voice nagging in the back of my head. "43 lbs is nothing!! You can do it!"

I am not going to stop trying to lose weight….or really stop gaining is what I am ACTUALLY trying to do. Losing weight, for the moment, is really just a bonus. I had not expected to lose 6.5lbs last week and don’t expect to lose more than 2lbs this week actually. I probably have AT LEAST 5 months still to wait for surgery, and that’s the BEST case scenario. Realistically probably longer, but what do I do? The last time I went to WW, it took me nearly a year to lose 40lbs. I don’t expect this time to be much different….but what if….what if it is? What if “this” is the time that I can actually do it myself and I really DON’T need surgery?? What then?? Are these doubts normal? Normal-ish??   I don’t want to sabotage myself and get all wrapped up in my brain and getting ‘blocked’ at a certain weight just because I am afraid I wont qualify for surgery anymore…..but on the other hand if I do make it that far and then don’t qualify for surgery, and then just start gaining again – like every other time in the past once the PCOS kicks in again-do I have to start the process all over again? I have lost and gained more times than I care to remember so what would make this time any different? What if they say…"no you are doing fine on your own so just keep it up…NEXT!!!!" .....Then 2 months later I turn around and start the upward climb again…..this time will likely see me get well up over the 300 mark   I don’t think anyone should ever be fearful of losing weight or let the thought of not needing surgery deter someone from losing weight….but now that the thought popped into my head all by itself, what do I do about it?
Feeling a bit like a crazy person....

I am having mixed feelings today. (ya like that's new! I should have been a Gemini!)

My son wrote his exam for the military this morning, and aced it. 100% on 2 parts and 73% on the third.....an average of 91%!!!  While I am so proud of him on the one hand, on the other....I'm sad :(

*sniff*

Makes me a little sad. He is off at college, soon to be an army guy (air force actually I think) travelling around the world...maybe I'm sad because I am feeling old?? I'm sad because he isn't my little bald baby sitting in his red wagon eating green popsicles anymore, thats what it is.

What I do think about though....is that....all the years I have been so proud of him....soon he will be able to proud of me!!! Not that he isnt cuz you know, I am an AWESOME mom.....but you know what I mean....I can go to his wedding someday without worrying about everyone pitying him for having such an obese mother. Instead, people will turn their heads and whisper..."that must be where he gets his good looks from!! " ;)