- Username: Sirene
- Location: Ottawa, Canada
- Member Since: 12/2/2010
- BMI: 26.6
- Post Op
- Surgery Type: RNY (10/20/11)
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Sirene's JourneyClick Here To View
Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I was always a bit heavy, even when I was a kid. I had a round face and kids would tease me and call me names. So even though, looking back and seeing that I was definitely overweight but nowhere near what I *thought* I looked like, I always felt ashamed and embarrassed of being me. As I got older, the weight kept piling on and I tried everything. Every diet and every program and every method. My self esteem was so low that I imagined people laughing at me all the time. I was going to the gym 5 days a week, cardio training as well as working with weights. Everytime I stepped into the gym, I had to talk myself into staying rather than putting my tail between my legs and running for the hills. I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me....
Does this outfit make me look crazy?? on May 18, 2011 6:41 am
Sometimes when I read the message boards and see people who are getting calls for surgery dates in my area, I start to panic. It stresses me out, especially when people start talking about how LONG its going to take and how slow it is and how long they have been waiting....it just makes me anxious.
I am not jealous....I am truly happy for people who are getting their dates. I am genuinely excited for them and can't wait to hear about how it went and see how they are doing and know that it will be my turn soon.
Personally, I just want to wait calmly for my turn and here, people ahead of me in line are getting all worked up because they have to wait....which in turn makes me start to feel annoyed. Sounds a little like Walmart or the grocery store, doesnt it??
Maybe thats why I hate shopping on Saturdays. I cant take other people freaking out!
I guess I just worry that if all these people are getting their turn, then when will mine be?? There just seems to be more and more people in line ahead of me everyday and I think...where did these people come from? Are people cutting into line ahead of me?? It's that one irrational thought that says....when they finally get to me, something will happen and the doors will close and a big Wizard of Oz voice will sound out.."We're CLOSED!!!"
This last bit of the waiting is seriously making me crazy. I am glad I took the summer off to just enjoy some sunshine time with my daughter and relax!!!!
Now, if only the sun would come out....lol
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Crazy weekend! on May 16, 2011 7:58 am
So after a few weeks of stress leading up to my daughter's birthday party and a few little girls being downright bitches....she finally had her Tea Party on Saturday and It was a huge hit!
We had tiny little heart shaped scones, freshly made that morning by my honey, with jam and whipped cream to go with them; heart shaped sandwiches; watermelon slices, cucumber and cheese cubes, hot and iced teas and a FABULOUS cake!! I am posting pictures of it because it was just so awesome.
I had a dress up table with makeup and glitter, tiaras, white gloves, chinese fans and a whackload of hair things and a few mirrors set up. I had an art table with these little tote bags that you colour your own picture and used them for their loot bags.
The whole room was full of streamers hanging over the table like a tent and of course, there were balloons everywhere.
I just gotta say....I am an AWESOME Mom :)
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People in my life stressing me out!! on May 13, 2011 7:19 am
My Boss is number one on my hit list today.
Yes I realize its budget crunch time, but really.....she needs to learn how to read an excel spreadsheet and not call me every 5 seconds in a panic because she doesnt understand what's written down right in front of her. Can you imagine she actually suggested that I cancel my appointments the other day because she needed me to be there at a meeting just to explain the worksheets to her-again?? Isn't that what your assistant gets paid for??
and the reality is, they dont pay me enough to care between the hours of 4pm and 8am, so she might as well stop sending me emails while I am at the gym trying to get me to come in early....cuz its just not happening.
Interestingly enough, a few years ago I would have totally skipped my workout and run to my boss whenever she called. I used to work for a woman that must have been bi-polar or something, but she would seriously fly into a kind of rage if I had forgotten to open her blinds in the morning!!
Well I refuse to let this new one run all over me like that. I refuse to let my health take a back seat just because she needs a course in excel. The last time, my boss drove me (literally) bonkers and I ended up on BP meds due to my BP getting so stressfully high.....I wont let that happen again. She has not yet managed to make my supposed weekly bi-lateral meetings with her a priority since she started here in January!! Not once, has she met with me, unless it was an urgent basis related to the budget! She doesnt even know that I am off on leave for the whole summer...and has no time to talk to me about it either!
I know it sounds like she is a very busy woman, which she is...however its not like she is some bigwig here. She is only a Director...I have worked for Director Generals, Associate Deputies and a Rear-Admiral....I'm not impressed.
To add to my chaotic work schedule, my daughter's birthday party is tomorrow and I have been running around trying to get everything done for that. It just seems like I dont have enough spare time without cutting into my "me" time! We are having a Tea Party, complete with scones and preserves, finger sandwiches, white gloves and tiaras. I have ordered a Red Velvet cake with strawberries and cream filling in the shape of a teapot and it comes with 10 red velvet teacup shaped cupcakes! Its going to be fantastic!!! But ten 8yr olds girls???? GAH!!!! WTF was I thinking??????
And then.....much more mildly irritating is my honey. *sigh*
He is still out of work, which in and of itself is slightly stressful - but he has picked up the odd shift here and there as a diner cook which brings in enough to cover anything extra, like his smoking habit, which I refuse to pay for and his golf-with-the-boys....things like party supplies and the cake and her new bike...stuff like that. Otherwise, he is at home, being Mr. Mom.
Now I can understand that being home all day can be boring, but trust me there is lots to do!! And the kids are in school so he has nothing but peace and quiet all day! He putters around the yard, plays on the computer, bakes and cooks and does a bit of housework, etc. He says he is really enjoying it...HOWEVER...
He told me the other night that its not ok for me to be gone every night of the week.
First of all....I am not gone every night of the week. I am gone on Tuesday and Thursday after work because I have an AQUA FIT class! I am home by 8pm!! The comment came up because I said I was going to try a new class on Friday with my GFs.
It's not like I am out drinking and partying for pete's sakes!!
I can totally understand that I may be taking advantage of the situation since he is home; I dont have to worry about the kids and can go and do things after work if I want to. Normally, I would not have the luxury because when we both worked in town, it was always rush rush rush to get home, rush to get the kids to do homework and then rush to drive them to whatever activity they had that night and was generally not a pleasant way to spend the evenings. Now, I come home, supper is done, the kids homework is done, they have time to play outside before bed, housework is done and its so much more peaceful and relaxing....which is exactly why we made the decision when he lost his job that he would stay home for a while.
I guess it just kind of hurt a bit for him to say that he wanted me to come home instead of going to my fitness class. I can understand I suppose, but I still didnt like it.
I am just venting a bit just because I am already stressed out about my boss. I love him dearly and wouldnt trade him for the world. It's just that sometimes, I think maybe he just doesn't "get it".
Does that make sense??
Have a great weekend everyone!!
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WOOOT!!! on May 11, 2011 1:27 pm
I saw the Dietitian and Behaviourist today....
I am cleared for surgery!!!
I was sooo happy with my dietitian's appointment. Josee was great! She was totally impressed with my eating habits and how much protein I was getting in and she said I was doing PERFECT!!!
OMG I was so glad to hear that!! After all the stressing I was doing about eating this and carbs and how much protein and carb/fat/protein ratios...wow...SUCH a relief!!!
She was ecstatic with my activity levels as well and said I was a PERFECT candidate and could basically go tomorrow!!
Which....I know will mean more like 2-3 months but still!!....soooooo happy!!!
The appointment with the behaviourist was so much less exciting. He was dull and boring and the least interesting person I have ever met. I am sure he is very nice but wow....talk about anti-climactic. He also said I was ready to go but it wasn't nearly as awesome to hear it from him as it was to hear it from Josee.
So now, on to the next phase of the waiting game! To get my appointment to meet the surgeon and get my date!
Yeeehaaww!! i think I will go for a bike ride tonight to celebrate!!
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Stall broken!!!! on May 10, 2011 7:27 am
So I finally lost last week!!! Yay me!!!
I lost 2lbs.
I had reduced my (starchy) carb intake to a bare minimum and it nearly killed me. I had a really hard time trying to substitute my calories for other things besides carbs at the beginning of the week especially-so I was starving!! It didnt get much better by the end of the week though.... I got weighed on Thursday, and by Friday, I was a basket case....I ate a bagel in the morning and ended up eating a muffin in the afternoon. *sob*
But, I have done better this week. I think I have balanced it out a bit better. Switched my morning cereal to cottage cheese with fruit and added some peanut butter to dip my carrots into in the pm to increase protein. Salads for lunch with chicken and for other snacks, a yogurt or a boiled egg. I dont know what else to do!
I see the Behaviourist and Nutritionist/Dietitian tomorrow morning, so I am happy about that. I have a million questions for the dietitian. She is going to hate me!
I was happy to have broken my stall but when the euphoria wore off I was a bit discouraged actually. The amount of work necessary to lose 2lbs was disproportionate to the results I think. I was 100% focused on my eating habits and was OCD obsessed with tracking. I don't know how this will work "in real life". Like, I can maintain that level of focus for a short while but if I had to live the rest of my life with that level of concentration and energy devoted solely to eating and journaling, I dont know that I wouldnt become a crazy person...or crazier person maybe as the case may be.
I can only hope that it gets easier with time and practice.
So yes, I will not look a gift horse in the mouth but its a bit discouraging nonetheless. I am still notivated though and had a couple of really great workouts at the gym this week so far already so I am happy and content in the knowledge that I really am doing everything I can possibly do PRE SURGERY in order to get my life on track and prepare myself to be successful afterwards.
Have a great week!!!
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