Sirene
so here's the thing...
Sep 11, 2011
My surgery date is getting closer and closer and it's not even on my mind....well it is but not in the excited way. I will explain.
I have been thinking of my mother. She was diagnosed with Cancer a few weeks ago. So far, the prognosis isnt very good but I am trying to stay positive.
She has gallbladder carcinoma; very rare apparently. It has matasticized (sp?) and spread to her liver. Some say possibly caused by a lifetime of obesity.....others say it has nothing to do with it. I dunno. All I know now is....what on earth will I do without my mother????? Is that a selfish thought???
She is my best friend in the whole world. I talk to her everyday, several times a day. We do everything together. She is my number 1 support person in my life. I love her more than anything and the thought of losing her is simply beyond my ability to cope with. I mean this is MY MOM!!!! My mom, who rides a Harley! My mom, who has more tattoos and piercings than I do!!! My mom, who could make a sailor blush with her vocabulary!! My mom, who can drag race witht he best of them!! I mean, women like her dont just get cancer!!
I have visited her 2x a week every week since I found out; in the hospital and at home. She is so thin....and so frail looking. Her voice is weak and she can't walk from the living room to the kitchen without having to sit down. She suddenly reminds me of my grandmother instead of the biker chick she was just a few short months ago.
I feel all kinds of guilt about it. None of it founded I'm sure...but as a mom and a woman...I have guilt for irrational reasons. I think of all the times I "should" have done something....forced her to go see the doc when I knew she was sick...etc. She has been ill on and off since about April. I can't help thinking...maybe if they would have caught it then, it would be better?? She would have a better chance??
She lives very far away and it's a 2.5 hr drive from my house but I go twice a week all the same. My brother lives next door to her and I am kind of jealous and a bit angry with him that *HE* didnt make her go to the hospital sooner since he saw her more often and could see how bad she was getting.....but I know thats not very useful emotions right now.
I guess the real guilt is when I think about my surgery. How I *have* to get this now......it was always a life saving operation for me, as I didnt want to die from obesity related causes, but now....its really real. What if the same thing happens to me?? What if it *is* caused by obesity?? Or some other cancer??? Then I feel selfish again and can't think anymore.
What really makes me cry, is when I think about my kids. How she will never see my daughter get married.....or have great-grandchildren. How she might miss my son's college graduation in the spring. How she won't be able to come to my other son's next modelling event. She loved those so much. It made her feel so glamourous and it was always so fun to get dressed up and get our pictures taken on the red carpet. We felt kind of important I guess....very VIP.
Or little things like how much she loves Starbucks. My father would never go there. "That's gay" he says. So I would take her and we'd order the most complicated thing we could. She loves anything with caramel.
She cried when she missed our annual "back to school" shopping trip with the kids this year. We had plans to go for tea at the Chateau Laurier this summer. Every summer, we say we're going to do the tour of the city on the double decker bus and we have never done it.
and I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not going. I took some stress leave. I dont know how long I will be off and I am a bit worried that it will interfere with my time off for my surgery but right now I dont care. I have a hard time functioning most of the day right now. I dont think I could handle work.
and to top it all off....my mother owns my house. It was bought as a flip-house and its not finished. The basement is gutted, the stairwell is mostly ripped out; the floors arent done; the bedrooms are only "mostly" done. I cant take over the mortgage yet as I still have a previous bankruptcy under my belt (thanks to my ex-husband!!) so now we have to move. She doesnt want the house to be sold as part of her 'estate' and us to be stranded and homeless.....She wants to see us safely moved into some where else before anything happens to her. I understand.....I dont want her to worry about anything she doesnt have to. But now, I have to move :(
New job location (my job moved while I was on holidays and I dont even actually know where my office is!!).....I have to move..... my mother is very ill.....and I am about to have major abdominal life changing surgery!!!! I believe those things are top 4 on that stress factor list that determines whether or not you are about to have a complete mental breakdown!!!
Collapse imminent.
20 comments
I have been thinking of my mother. She was diagnosed with Cancer a few weeks ago. So far, the prognosis isnt very good but I am trying to stay positive.
She has gallbladder carcinoma; very rare apparently. It has matasticized (sp?) and spread to her liver. Some say possibly caused by a lifetime of obesity.....others say it has nothing to do with it. I dunno. All I know now is....what on earth will I do without my mother????? Is that a selfish thought???
She is my best friend in the whole world. I talk to her everyday, several times a day. We do everything together. She is my number 1 support person in my life. I love her more than anything and the thought of losing her is simply beyond my ability to cope with. I mean this is MY MOM!!!! My mom, who rides a Harley! My mom, who has more tattoos and piercings than I do!!! My mom, who could make a sailor blush with her vocabulary!! My mom, who can drag race witht he best of them!! I mean, women like her dont just get cancer!!
I have visited her 2x a week every week since I found out; in the hospital and at home. She is so thin....and so frail looking. Her voice is weak and she can't walk from the living room to the kitchen without having to sit down. She suddenly reminds me of my grandmother instead of the biker chick she was just a few short months ago.
I feel all kinds of guilt about it. None of it founded I'm sure...but as a mom and a woman...I have guilt for irrational reasons. I think of all the times I "should" have done something....forced her to go see the doc when I knew she was sick...etc. She has been ill on and off since about April. I can't help thinking...maybe if they would have caught it then, it would be better?? She would have a better chance??
She lives very far away and it's a 2.5 hr drive from my house but I go twice a week all the same. My brother lives next door to her and I am kind of jealous and a bit angry with him that *HE* didnt make her go to the hospital sooner since he saw her more often and could see how bad she was getting.....but I know thats not very useful emotions right now.
I guess the real guilt is when I think about my surgery. How I *have* to get this now......it was always a life saving operation for me, as I didnt want to die from obesity related causes, but now....its really real. What if the same thing happens to me?? What if it *is* caused by obesity?? Or some other cancer??? Then I feel selfish again and can't think anymore.
What really makes me cry, is when I think about my kids. How she will never see my daughter get married.....or have great-grandchildren. How she might miss my son's college graduation in the spring. How she won't be able to come to my other son's next modelling event. She loved those so much. It made her feel so glamourous and it was always so fun to get dressed up and get our pictures taken on the red carpet. We felt kind of important I guess....very VIP.
Or little things like how much she loves Starbucks. My father would never go there. "That's gay" he says. So I would take her and we'd order the most complicated thing we could. She loves anything with caramel.
She cried when she missed our annual "back to school" shopping trip with the kids this year. We had plans to go for tea at the Chateau Laurier this summer. Every summer, we say we're going to do the tour of the city on the double decker bus and we have never done it.
and I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not going. I took some stress leave. I dont know how long I will be off and I am a bit worried that it will interfere with my time off for my surgery but right now I dont care. I have a hard time functioning most of the day right now. I dont think I could handle work.
and to top it all off....my mother owns my house. It was bought as a flip-house and its not finished. The basement is gutted, the stairwell is mostly ripped out; the floors arent done; the bedrooms are only "mostly" done. I cant take over the mortgage yet as I still have a previous bankruptcy under my belt (thanks to my ex-husband!!) so now we have to move. She doesnt want the house to be sold as part of her 'estate' and us to be stranded and homeless.....She wants to see us safely moved into some where else before anything happens to her. I understand.....I dont want her to worry about anything she doesnt have to. But now, I have to move :(
New job location (my job moved while I was on holidays and I dont even actually know where my office is!!).....I have to move..... my mother is very ill.....and I am about to have major abdominal life changing surgery!!!! I believe those things are top 4 on that stress factor list that determines whether or not you are about to have a complete mental breakdown!!!
Collapse imminent.
About Me
Ottawa,
Location
26.6
BMI
Surgery
10/20/2011
Surgery Date
Dec 02, 2010
Member Since
